Something I found intensely endearing, as I realized she was doing what I'd been doing only a few moments ago.
"It's absolutely amazing how mature adults can harbor so much insecurity, when it comes to the prospect of being rejected by the one we want" I found myself thinking.
...
Taking several steps closer to her, I quietly replied with feeling "I could never hate you, Padme, and I don't think I would cope well, with you hating me.
If it had been up to me, this would still have happened, but later. When there was no chance of your wondering if you only feel this way because of some rare Force-phenomena, or of you feeling trapped by something you didn't choose.
You need to understand, I'm one of the strongest empaths in the Jedi Order. I would have to maintain a conscious, draining, minute-by-minute effort to avoid sensing your every emotion. In my mind, this will just even things out."
Instead of replying to what I'd just said, she dropped another bombshell. "The pathway Gale was dropped onto? The windows opened onto my life, Anakin. She told me things not even my family and oldest friends know. Things absolutely no one else should know. The utterly banal non-events, the life-changing moments, and everything in-between."
Stepping close enough another half-step would have allowed her to rest her head on my chest, she craned her neck to look up at me, then went on in a soft voice "She told me about hundreds of possible future moments she saw while wandering the path as she looked for a way out. On her path, she'd been able to stick her arms through windows, but on mine, they were like mirrors.
Gale would get this far away look in her eyes for a few moments, then recite descriptions including the most amazing amount of detail. Insignias people wore, weapons people carried, even the times displayed on any visible public chronometers far in the background
I could sense the urgency behind what she was telling me, but I found myself holding my breath at the thought of what Wind might have said with access to that many possible futures. Especially if the Zeison Sha Warrior who'd trained her had managed to persuade her to adopt their irrational hatred of the Jedi.
"What did Gale tell you, Padme?" The question was asked calmly and directly, but being this close to her was making dispassionate objectivity more difficult than it should have been. It was becoming hard to tear my thoughts away from how easy it would be to snatch her up in my arms and kiss her, but I knew this was extremely important, so challenging as it was, I resisted the temptation.
Still looking up at me, her reply was direct and to the point. "She said there seemed to be a few constants in my future. A willingness to take risks. Attracting the attention of dangerous people, with nefarious aims. An abundance of dangerous situations which put my life in danger. Helping to bring about great advances for the common good."
Studying me with the acuity of a med-scanner, as she went on "Sometimes dying young while living up to my ideals."
It was an unpleasant prospect I knew would only grow more painful in time, but I was old enough to understand a few things about love and relationships.
"You either accept and cherish someone for who and what they are, or you don't really care about them. Just what they make you feel. That isn't love, that's a suffocating, shallow, self-centered emotional dependency.
I would do everything I morally could to protect you. Right up to the moment you said Anakin, Stop. If you have no respect for a person's autonomy, you have no respect for that person, and without respect, nothing more is possible.
I haven't spent my entire life training to protect the freedom of others, so I could then turn around and claim I had a right to deny that freedom to someone I professed to have feelings for."
The words came from my heart, but it had been a very long time since I'd had cause to say anything like them.
Looking at me with a bit more surprise than I would have liked, Padme commented in her best diplomat's voice.
"I don't mean any offense, truly, but that's a good deal more than I would expect someone younger than me, raised by people who have an actual rule against romantic attachments to know about healthy relationship dynamics. Where did you learn that, if you don't mind my asking?"
I looked back at her, then said carefully "I promised you there would be no more misleading statements. Now, I'm giving you my word I will never lie to you. With that said, I am absolutely certain you'll believe I'm either lying or delusional, if I answer your question honestly, now.
Can I promise to tell you when the Force Bond has developed to the point you'll be able to not only sense I'm being truthful, but that my mind is sufficiently ordered to preclude the possibility of my suffering from an inability to separate reality and fantasy?"
Before she could respond, I quickly added "It took the Master-Apprentice Force Bond, and Master Yoda having access to a Force-relic which amplified his ability to read minds a thousandfold, for Master Dark Woman and the Grandmaster to consider me sane and completely truthful about this, Padme.
We're talking about something considerably more unbelievable than someone visiting another dimension where they witnessed the past, present, and possible futures happening. I want to tell you, I promise I will tell you, but I can't convince you in the twelve minutes remaining before what will need to be a brisk walk to meet Master Jinn."
"I'm going to hold you to that promise." It was a sharp declaration of intent, but also an acceptance of my judgment in the matter. Something which elicited a grateful smile from me.
Deciding to pull things back from the somber and negative, I took a deep breath, then committed to my chosen course.
"I know Gale undoubtedly told you about a few tragedies and nightmare scenarios, but there were a great many other possibilities she would have witnessed. Would you like to tell me what's been on the tip of your tongue more than twenty-five times since I first showed up after your evening of dinner espionage?"
I asked the question softly, with a smile meant to be encouraging, but what I received in response was a sudden look of sorrow and remorse.
"This entire conversation shouldn't have happened. I was wrong, selfish, and stupid besides, to start encouraging you like this, Anakin. It's not going to turn out anything like Gale described, because the only thing as inevitable as the High Council discovering you're breaking the rules, is the outcome once they do.
When you're actually confronted with choosing between a relationship a few weeks or months old, and remaining a Jedi, it isn't going to be any choice at all."
Padme's voice was almost a whisper, but while the sadness and regret in her voice was genuine, I felt something ever so much stronger buried beneath her other feelings.
Before I could reply, she hurried on "I can't even say you'd be wrong to choose the Jedi. Not and even pretend to care about anything but my own selfish desires.
You've spent your entire life training to become a Jedi Knight. Now, when you've finally achieved your goal, I should, what? Convince you to put all of that in jeopardy, because we're infatuated with each other?
Besides, I'm not willing to be your dalliance until the Council's discovery puts you to the moment of decision, and the only decision which could make this anything but the dalliance which will hurt us both, is the one which ruins your entire life. It's a non-starter, Anakin. You see that, don't you?"
I was tempted to get angry, because she was trying to hide behind the Order's doctrine, make my decisions for me, then pretend it was all for my own good. The problem with that was being able to sense the crawling fear and near panic growing like a lengthening shadow in her mind. The dark emotions were so intense, they fed her most cynical assessments, smothered hope, and drowned out other equally strong emotions.
I knew she believed the things she'd said, but they were things she was forcing herself to believe, because that was easier than dealing with possibility of really falling for me, then being cast aside.
It only took the smallest of half-steps forward to eliminate what little space remained between us, but I took my time in dipping my head toward hers. It was an appeal, not a demand.
One I gave this lovely, yet ever so conflicted woman all the time in the world to refuse. Denying me would have taken no more than a fingertip's pressure on my chest, or the slightest twisting aside of her head.
Our lips met, and hers were as just as soft as I'd imagined they'd be. There was maybe a half-second Padme stayed stiff and nearly still, then she relaxed into me, her arms were around my neck, and everything caught fire.
It was an objectively perfect kiss, but much as I was thrilled by the kiss, I truly adored feeling that black fear and choking doubt being chased out of her head by want that was rapidly becoming need.
The tiny rational splinter of me observing this from the cheap-seats kept insisting no one had chemistry like this right out of the gate. I was sharply conscious of the way we just seemed to fit together hand in glove, and effortless was too weak a word to describe the way I just lost myself in her each minute reaction.
When we finally broke the kiss, both of us were flushed and breathing hard, but I was keenly aware of her eyes on me. Before the doubt could begin reasserting itself, I told her what I felt.
"That was me making a choice. It's not one I'm ever going to regret" I said with clear affection as our eyes met.
A shadow flitted across her features, as she quietly responded "What about the Council, Anakin?"
My smile was comforting and encouraging, as I confidently answered "Let me worry about the Council. I think you'll find that things are more complicated than you've been lead to believe."
"If you're sure that's what you want. I just need you to understand I need some time to think and process, if we're going to make this work." Padme replied. Looking at me in a way that made my heart skip a beat.
"Whatever you need. Now, why don't we take a walk?" I replied. Filled with a warmth I'd almost forgotten.
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