In just a week of being here, working and planning things out while assuming my new identity, it was honestly… fun. Arranging the accidental deaths and involvement of DHS or its equivalent was pretty damn easy. Easier than it should've been really, but apparently the boys wizard detail of guards was fucking inept at their job. Like they really didn't bother looking after his next of kin to keep them alive. They let the Dursleys go on a road trip alone, leaving a fucking three old alone and locked up in a cupboard.
They only tried to interfere with DHS or it's equivalent once they started taking the boy away. Even then they fumbled their job! They charged out of hiding brandishing wands ready to kill or permanently retardate the workers breaking their own rules! I was an asshole, but I wasn't that bad to let that happen and lucky for me I had an excuse for what I was going to do.
Because I'm a licensed weapons and robotics engineer and manufacturer, and due to my own magic a trustworthy magic consultant for some very important or dangerous people. That CYOA that keeps popping up every new shit hole was terrifying because it used my strengths and weaknesses, my knowledge, and experiences to fabricate then solidify an entire life upon picking DADA and Identity only. So for all intents and purposes I was a native to this world, and so we're the Jackie's as they were listed as my legal adoptive daughters. So when a group of five people came bounding from around a corner on a normal morning jog. That then turned into a full on sprint to intervene.
Well the wizards and witches were not in the slightest prepared for the confrontation. I pulled out my arcane firearm, aimed, and pulled the trigger as the special wooden weapon shot out an Eldritch Blast. The shot shattered a hastily raised blue shield of light, flinging the caster across the street when the blast hit their chest. With the slower wizards and witches dumbstruck I barked orders, pulling out my "badge" that the Queen issued me. All frankly due to being more helpful than the local ministry from how my new identity went.
"Kids, break their legs! The Home Office Officer's hostile magicals assumed to be after that child! Take them down in the name of the royal family! Trust nothing they say until it's confirmed!"
My words got the people taking the kid to have their training kick in, since The Home Office has people like MI6 and military personnel working in it with others. One of the people escorting the kid pulls a pistol from their overcoat and shoots a witch in the legs without hesitation. The sound of gunfire prompts the rest to hustle. A lumbering man that was likely on active duty in the national guard of the country bodies a wizard with a tackle. Breaking the wizards wrist holding his wand in a fluid motion while restraining both arms all while wrestling the wizard. Impressive movements honestly.
The rest went down quickly when everyone essentially dogpiled them with no hesitation to cause harm. With only two people watching over the kid after another pulled a hidden MP4 with a folding stock from their oversized coat. The other was carrying magnums of all things, not the mild ones either, but the ones that can blow off most of a hand in a single shot. Harry Potter could only cower in fear while holding onto one of the agents. After the annoying pests were subdued I got to handling the legal stuff quickly without a fuss to confirm my identity. The MI6 agents weren't surprised when I actually managed to get touch with the queen and others easily enough directly.
After that whole ordeal and filing to take care of the kid. The Ministry Aurors screwed up badly and were directly linked to trying to kidnap a recently orphaned child. Bad enough that the queen and a few other ministries were outraged since the British Ministry didn't try to deny it. They just kept screaming on and on about the boy who lived and that he should be where they know he's safe. That whole safety bit soon fell through as well, even though Harry was three years old he still showed signs of abuse from his aunt's family. Both magical and non magical people in the know weren't happy after that at all. So I got custody of the kid pretty easily, however, then the true issue presented itself.
I knew jack shit about raising kids, I also didn't fondly like kids seeing as I would rather punt them. So safe to say raising Harry Potter was going to be an eventful thing in of itself. Especially since I had to stop small serial killers from corrupting him with their personality and hobbies.
"Stop trying to give him a knife! It hasn't even been ten minutes since we've adopted him!"
Looking in the rearview mirror of the van I was driving, I glared at the serial killers trying to indoctrinate him. They just giggled while trying to give him knives as if it was a must to do. Undying give me strength, I really want to punt a child or two.
\\// Harry POV, Five Years Later //\\
Crawling out of Jerry's nest tiredly, patting the wyvern as he slept, I walked through the halls of my home to the cafeteria. Dad is already in there cooking breakfast with my lunch box already prepared on a counter. Entering the kitchen to grab my step stool to reach the sink I began brushing my teeth, blinking slowly while my brain woke up. Gargling some water I spit out the minty paste froth from my mouth before cleaning my tooth brush and the sink. Dad having already left the kitchen with the food and my lunch box it seems so I left to go sit with him.
Ave, Bers, Sin, and Jack are already sitting with him at the table eating breakfast. Win and Ston floating about the table beeping curses at my hyperactive sisters. Even after five years I still couldn't get over that magic was real, I was a wizard, and my new family was some of the weirdest but welcoming people I know. I still have nightmares when I remember meeting Jerry, dad had to punch the wyvern several times to stop him from trying to eat or rut me. Or that my sister's are all versions of Jack the Ripper brought back as Heroic Spirits.
Dad though didn't want it to be weird that they never aged so he handmade them Homunculi bodies. It was always strange to see them look around my age to then stop possessing their bodies at will and return to their real appearance. When I sat down to eat everyone greeted me with that dreaded name I called myself when I was four and playing with Jerry.
"Ahoy Captain Dipshit!"
"Morning Captain Dipshit!"
"Captain Dipshit."
"Late as usual Captain Dipshit."
"Yo Cap Dipshit, I made you something special for lunch given that you turn eight today."
"I was four when I said that! You cannot hold it over my head forever!"
"We can and we will because it's too funny not to!" x5
Planting my face into the table I groaned with a blush. I still had trouble believing this was real, I expected to just wake up to Vernon or Aunt Petunia screaming at me most days. I expected to be hurt physically when I did something "freakish" instead dad would talk it through with me. It's why I even had some semblance of control over my magic now, even if the older man looked like he was done with life at times. Finishing the rest of my breakfast quickly I grabbed my lunch box. Giving Dad a side hug before I was racing to leave with my sister's giggling at me for my quick escape.
Stepping out of the hidden doorway to the private dimension within Dad's company. I quickly went to meet up with mister Harvey to head to school even though I hated it because Dudley's friends still bullied me… greeting everyone along the way since they seemed to like it even though they build guns, ammunition, missiles, or toy robots like recreational drones. Most of dad's staff was those alright with the supernatural and the supernatural that needed a chance. Such as werewolves suffering with their lycanthropy, dark and light wizards interested in regular people or technology, or vampires just wanting to live quietly to think of a few. I almost ran to greet mister Harvey when I saw him walking towards me with a smile.
Until the alarm for magical disguises went off, mister Harvey being replaced with a rather scary man missing an eye. Before the man could do anything a large female werewolf in an armored guard uniform was already upon him. The lycan tackling from behind with a reverberating snark through the halls. A wand shooting from the man's sleeve into his hand to strike and possibly kill her. Before he could say anything or move his wand, a gust of wind filled the hall suddenly followed by the sound of bones cracking. Standing over the downed wizard with an armored foot on their wrist holding the wand.
"Miss Moon! What's going on, where's mister Harvey?!"
The person crushing the wizards wrist turns her head to me, crimson eyes studying me before she nods with a smile. The Elder Vampire points at the man who looked like mister Harvey previously while brushing her white hair out of her face.
"Ah young Lord, this man Mad-Eyed Moody a Ministry Aurora, one of their bests I'd say. If he's here then Harvey is either locked up somewhere, forgotten who is, or in the worst case dead. If he's dead then I doubt he went quietly given he is one of my clan's best swords masters. So which is it Moody, is your apprentice here as well?"
Before the rather scary man could say anything a young woman came running screaming she's sorry. Blinking when I saw her I remembered Dad saying I had a cousin called Andromeda Tonks working as an Auror. She matched the general description he gave me when talking about her so I sorta blurted out some words that caused her to faceplant.
"Are you my cousin? Dad mentioned I had a cousin that followed a…. Oh… were you going to try kidnapping me like the others?"
Her face shot up off of the floor with a look of pure shock.
"Of course not! I didn't even know my teacher was sent to get you until I found your father's employee chained up in a trunk! So I came to stop the attempt since people already hate us enough from when you were three! Also yes I would be your cousin…"
Miss Moon snorts with a cackle, gesturing to other guards while speaking.
"Regardless, you two now have a very important appointment with our boss. Lazarus, Guam help Moody up and do make sure he stays compliant. Miss Tonks, follow me or you'll get attacked by one of the employees. Sasha, let Dan know you're taking the young Lord to school and guarding him from further attempts."
The lycanthrope woman perks her ears up before getting up off Moody eagerly. Tail wagging the whole time she moves quickly to pick me up then race towards reception. I could hear Tonks squeal at how abrupt and quick movements to take me to school. Sighing I just accepted my fate, because while her fur color changed from clay red to dark brown, if this was the same Sasha then I wasn't escaping her. The alpha female was a mother hen and deathly loyal to my dad. No sane person, magical or not, would wrestle a rampaging dragon, a very literal dragon, to save a child after my dad ordered people to save me. He was busy dealing with the more dangerous ones with my sisters.
Meanwhile, even though she was on fire Sasha tore out a dragon's eyes and throat to save me, while PUSHING the dragon back. As soon as we reached reception at my dad's company, Dan stopped what he was doing. His messy black hair, baggy blue eyes, and pale face greet us. He just sighs when Sasha sets me down when she turns back into a person. Dan handed over multiple concealed weapons to Sasha as she bounced in place impatiently. Her almost mane-like auburn brown hair bounced with her as she eyed Dan threateningly.
Once she had everything we were out the doors, Sasha carried me excitedly to a motorcycle. Setting me in front of her once she got onto it, her phone ringing once a suspiciously accurately child sized helmet was put on my head. Shaking my head with a sigh I really didn't want to know exactly what the alpha was planning.
"Hello alpha! Hm? Yes I have the pup, yes I shall protect him! What do you mean don't maime? I wasn't- okay yes I was going to rip someone apart if they did anything. Thank you! Oh yes alpha when are you finally going to accept my offerings?! But freshly hunted deer is me courting you! Don't you- alpha hung up on meeeee..."
Hearing her whine about being hung up on, I couldn't help my rude thoughts. Because she doesn't seem to get why this keeps happening.
'I wonder why? I wonder why dad would do that, Sasha. Probably because of how many complaints he gets about how you drag dead animals through the company building daily. Directly to his office to then splash blood everywhere while giggling and waiting there after having spilled its guts onto his desk… it's honestly adorable how much puppy love she has for dad. I just wish she'd express it normally… I've walked through thirty puddles of blood in six days…'