—Subaru does not think his actions praiseworthy in the least.
Regardless, before he could even realise it, there appeared people who are endorsing his deeds.
And perhaps that fact was his solace.
Using Return by Death's power, Natsuki Subaru struggles on, wishing to save Emilia.
He thought the battle would be a solo one, always fighting only ever on his own.
And perhaps the fact that, at some unknown juncture, it stopped being solo was—
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Inferno engulfs the Capital. Subaru gasps in pain, staring up at the sky.
He feels very awake.
The pain stings, but it leads his mind to sober rather than blur.
Everything, from what happened to his reason for being here, is vivid.
In his arms, Subaru cradles a motionless Mei Lee.
Her open eyes are devoid of life, staring at somewhere absent in this world. Her cheeky attitude, her unfittingly sugary voice, her tantrum-like behaviour when treated as a child—nothing Subaru will ever see again.
—After all. This is where Subaru arrived after Returning by Death.
Return by Death's spawn point can change, but Subaru has never gone further back than a previous spawn.
This is where Return by Death's spawn point shifted, and being that the Mei Lee in his arms is a corpse, her life is beyond saving.
Aware that he is only comforting his own heart, Subaru gently shuts Mei Lee's eyes. He has no right to pray for the dead's posthumous happiness. These hands of his are far too filthy with blood.
And it's the same for Mei Lee. She committed so many wrongs that she could not possibly hope for peace after death. Piling sins upon sins, the chains linking Subaru's group to hell will never come undone.
"But, still.."
A meeting with death cannot be reason to give up.
Did he not get here by dying multiple times? Over one thousand, ten thousands times has he already disparaged life and desecrated lives, greedy to grant his own wish, and so got here.
He bordered on breaking beneath the agony of death many times. But every time he did, a fire scorched his heart.
That very first inferno, the touch of those fingers, is what let Subaru reach this point.
He is only one step away from realising his deepest desire.
He made victims, sacrifices, to finally get here.
And still—
"—Go no further."
The voice descends, vicious, from on high.
'Fire engulfs the Capital' had not been a figurative statement. The visage that appears atop that hill, as if amassing the furious blaze into themselves, looks dazzling.
"Reinhardt, van, Astreaaaa...."
"It seems that I don't need to introduce myself. I don't have much to say to you, either."
Reinhardt's blue eyes pierce the kneeling Subaru through.
The gleam in his eyes differs from what Subaru saw long ago, fraught with emotion as they are.
This man, who had remained calm when facing a butcherer, was, at Subaru—
—the emotion so intense as to be nigh indescribable, glaring with hatred.
"So you were capable of hating people after all, Sword Saint!"
"It surprises me as well. I didn't think these feelings were in me."
"So you found a new you. Congratulations. Happy birthday, Reinhardt."
"Unfortunately, today is not the day of my birth. But it will be the day of your death."
Subaru can prattle affected lines all he wants. A man of Reinhardt's calibre won't be put off.
Hit with Reinhardt's own breed of death sentence, a smile arises on Subaru's face.
Destroyed that unflappable face of his, and drew out the emotions buried in there. Subaru knows that it's utterly pointless, but it's the only thing he can boast victory about.
"Don't make me laugh, Reinhardt! Sword Saint! Sword of the Kingdom! You're a knight who protects the Kingdom of Lugnica!? Did you protect any kingdom at all!? How about telling me that!"
"—"
Subaru shouts, arms spread wide, spit flying.
The two are facing each other outside the palace gates. Everything of the Capital visible from this vantage point is engulfed in flame—or no, it isn't just the Capital.
This inferno is raging over the entire territory of the Kingdom of Lugnica.
No matter how strong Reinhardt is or how superb a knight he is, what can he do on his own? He can do nothing. So is Subaru's conclusion.
"This is my gift to you! A trap I set to kill you!"
"To kill me...?"
"How many times! Do you think I've tried to kill you!? How many times, tens and hundreds and thousands of times, do you think I've faced you!?"
"—"
Subaru's incomprehensible yelling leads Reinhardt's cheeks to stiffen in confusion.
He wouldn't understand. Nobody except Subaru would ever understand.
Subaru has already gone through every conceivable form of trial and error to kill Reinhardt.
He studied Reinhardt van Astrea, researched him extensively, tested every idea he could think of, fiddled with his plans, used every possible track he could imagine in attempts to kill Reinhardt.
But no matter what methods Subaru used, Reinhardt bested it. As if Natsuki Subaru's hideously weak brain, as if his very presence, could not effect him in the slightest.
Subaru sacrificed Elsa, sacrificed Mei Lee, sacrificed Blue, sacrificed the man who perhaps could've been his friend, sacrificed the clown who proclaimed to be his co-conspirator, sacrificed the Witch Cult, sacrificed the Cardinals, committed every conceivable crime and injustice and iniquity there is, and still couldn't kill Reinhardt.
And so. Having no means to sever Reinhardt's lifeline, Subaru decided.
"I'm killing who you are as a knight. I'm dropping your ostentatious name of Sword Saint to the earth, stomping my feet all over it, spewing spit and mucus on it!"
"All of this, only for that."
"Only for that! Yeah, I did, only for that! Only for that I used the lives of everyone there was, dropping you to the earth!"
Subaru sets Mei Lee's body on the ground. Jabs his finger at Reinhardt.
Reinhardt cannot hide that he's shaken. Feels nice.
"You're a hero, Reinhardt. It's not possible for me to kill you. But I can kill a hero. —This is how to kill you, Reinhardt."
"—"
Subaru boasts, his voice unhinged, at the silenced Reinhardt.
Worked his hardest, tried so many plans, sacrificed people, shed blood, accumulated deaths, and finally.
With Mei Lee having protected him and drawn out his survival, finally, Subaru has managed to confront Reinhardt like this.
After piling so many sacrifices, finally, he has managed to stand on the same stage as Reinhardt.
"...Why?"
The hot breeze blows away Subaru's previous momentum. His voice when he speaks is frail.
"Why are you so strong? Why are you so strong, that I had to let them die, to match it?"
Trembling voice, laced with sobs. Hearing it makes Reinhardt's face stiffen.
He surely has no idea what on earth Subaru is thinking. Of course he doesn't. Subaru doesn't even have any idea any more.
He doesn't know why he's crying. How long has it even been since he last shed tears?
Surely. That day, when he was brought to this world, was the last.
The tears from the day that brought Natsuki Subaru to this sight of flames were the last.
"I wish I'd been like you. I wish I'd been honest like you, been strong enough to save everyone like you. I think you're enviable. I think you're contemptible."
"You..."
Flowing out alongside his tears come Natsuki Subaru's true feelings.
Back in that very first loop in the Capital, when Natsuki Subaru witnessed the man who freed him from an endless cycle.
—Back then, Subaru was jealous of Reinhardt.
Disembowelled times upon times, suffered death, but still unable to change anything, Subaru's heart grew swiftly ragged, its outer skin peeled away, and then, practically by coincidence, as if kicking a pebble off the road, he altered that fate so easily.
Subaru aspired to have that strength, envied it, begrudged it, loathed it.
"—I wanted to be you, Reinhardt."
"—I don't understand you."
Reinhardt discards Subaru's honesty as worthless codswallop.
And he's correct. Reinhardt, you hero, you are just always, always correct.
—Where did the mistake happen? At what point did Natsuki Subaru err?
He doesn't know. Though actually, he does. But nobody would be capable of understanding it.
Which is why. Which is exactly why.
Natsuki Subaru has, for a long time now, been an unempathizable madman.
"—"
Reinhardt narrows his eyes and stoops down. He isn't reaching for a sword. Meaning that not even he thinks a weapon is necessary to defeat Subaru.
He's right, he's absolutely right. One strike from him will leave Subaru's flimsy body disintegrated.
So at the very least, and the very absolute least—
"—You don't think it too soon to be giving up?"
"You!"
The instant that Reinhardt begins his charge, a black silhouette swoops in from aside. Discordant noise peals out as Reinhardt meets the silhouette's slash with his hand, held flat and open like a blade.
It's stupid. How can he meet a knife swung with that much momentum using his hand? The knife shrieks, shattering to bits. It's stupid. Why is the knife the one breaking?
"You truly are outside the norm, aren't you."
Elsa, covered in blood, spins through the air before making touchdown on her hands and fete.
Subaru thought she was dead. He thought he had used her as a chess piece to create this situation, believed that her life had burnt to nothing, and had been acting with consideration to that. And yet.
"Apparently I didn't die. Though in this situation, it feels that I've arrived to visit death again."
"Elsa..."
"Then Mei Lee is dead. Her poor sister."
Noticing Mei Lee resting on the ground, Elsa mutters a shade sadly.
But she switches her gears in the blink of an eye, turning to face Reinhardt properly.
"It seems you're my sister's enemy as well. Shall we dance?"
"You've already lost your weapon. And do you understand who exactly you are protecting?"
"Difficult subjects aren't my favourite. I do the things I want to do. This man behind me lets me do what I want to do. That makes him a prized customer."
Licking her lips, Elsa gives a reply based in logic that only murderers would understand.
Reinhardt swallows his breath, and poises to take Elsa as his opponent.
"This will be the last chance for it. I had fun. It was wonderful."
"Elsa! I..!"
"Farewell."
Ever like her, the goodbye happens smoothly and without any consideration to Subaru's ideas at all.
Immediately following, Elsa leaps with animalistic dexterity in a dance toward Reinhardt, the hero and butcher engaging in furious combat.
To be concluded in only a short time, Elsa Granhiert's last blood meal.
"—Fuck!"
Subaru cannot die here.
Averting his gaze from Elsa's battle and Mei Lee's corpse, he breaks into a run down the hill.
The spillovers of battle echo behind him, distant.
Buildings collapse one after another throughout the blazing Capital, shrieks and wails echoing through this hell. Children calling for parents, parents calling for children, men calling for women, women calling for men in the screeching pandemonium of this hell.
Yes. This is the hell that Subaru created.
Created this hell, destroyed Reinhardt's false image, and achieved his goal.
All that's left is—
"Y-you're...."
"—σσσσ"
Subaru stumbles, almost trips and falls—when a massive beast grabs him in its mouth and flings him onto its back. Subaru clings on desperately as its black pelt bursts into his view, alongside the sight of its ferocious lionlike visage as it runs.
"You're... but Mei Lee's, already dead..."
It is one of the witchbeasts Mei Lee controlled, carrying Subaru in this dash through the burning Capital.
Ferocious Guiltilaw sprints with Natsuki Subaru on his back. He no longer has a master, and has no obligation to obey him—but still Guiltilaw carries Natsuki Subaru, wholeheartedly.
"Please, find her. She has, to be somewhere..."
Subaru prays, wishing for Guiltilaw to pull off a miracle.
What to call this feeling in his heart? Relief? Resignation? Constricted by cryptic emotions, Natsuki
Subaru's mind wavers between consciousness and unconsciousness.
But what truly makes him hit is limit is what happens next.
"—That's enough."
The sharp ice projectile skewers sprinting Guiltilaw in the side.
Guiltilaw shrieks, tripping over his own feet before crashing to the ground. Caught in the beast's fall, Subaru also bashes against the stone roadway.
"Ghau... what, was..."
His vision blurs in pain as he forces his eyes open, looking around to see what happened.
He finds that Guiltilaw has uprighted himself, countless icicles speared into his left side as he faces off against a silhouette engulfed in dim light, just about to begin charging.
Guiltilaw raises his vicious paw, roaring. Perhaps this was his dignity as a witchbeast, or his pride as the last animal which obeyed young Mei Lee to the end.
His strike is more than strong enough to shred a human being to bits should it hit.
However, before the blow can land, a single sharp icicle goes plummeting—
—to invade Guiltilaw's open maw, spearing down his throat before again entering through his chest, piercing out his behind, transforming him into a witchbeast on a stick.
Immediately following the ruinous but nonlethal attack, the air echoes, crackling as white frost spreads across Guiltilaw's whole body, transforming him into an ice sculpture.
Having watched Guiltilaw's demise, Subaru slowly stands up.
He can't raise his left arm. Maybe he dislocated in the fall. He should be in intense enough pain that he breaks into tears, but his brain isn't feeling it.
After all. If Subaru starts bawling now, here, it will ruin everything.
"—That's enough, villain."
The two face each other, burning city townscape on either side of them, a frozen witchbeast between them.
Amethyst eyes blazing with duty and indignation meet dark eyes fraught with irrepressible joy.
Silver hair of lunar hue, eyes of finest-cut amethyst. Her celestial countenance electrifies Subaru's heart without end, and the silver chime of her voice sounds to him as a pixie's aria.
What he has pursued, sought, craved, never stopped loved, her visage, is here.
"—Emilia."
"You know me?"
Emilia's brows shoot up in surprise. Seeing it makes Subaru laugh.
Exactly in line with his envisionings—no. Exactly in line with his impression of her when they first met, and ventured around the Capital together.
She doesn't have a single clue how much national attention is focused on her, being a Royal Selection candidate. It's not that she's lacking in self-awareness, it's that she has low self esteem.
Despite being known worldwide as the hero who took the Witch Cult's Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, Wrath, and Lust, evils which tormented people for eras, and exterminated them.
And her track record would, on this day, in this instant, reach completion.
"Is something funny?"
"No, I'm sorry. Just, how to say, I'm happy. It's that thing, where you're, well. You haven't changed a bit, so it feels like I've been rewarded."
.
"What do you mean? When did you and I ever...?" .
Emilia attempts a frantic search of her memories.
But Natsuki Subaru does not exist anywhere in her recollections.
Of course not. Their momentary tryst only remains in Subaru. And that momentary tryst alone, that final pledge of penitence alone, was what brought Natsuki Subaru here.
"You're..."
"Lia, it's no good. Don't take anything he says seriously."
"—Puck, huh."
Emilia searches for some clue in her memories. But she is interrupted but the grey cat that appears on her shoulder—a spirit, which Subaru remembers well.
His memories from that day are distant. But that's exactly why he spent even more time endlessly thinking about that day than he did individually recollecting it.
It's inconceivable that he would forget about someone who occupied a part of that memory.
"How nice of you to call my name so casually. With how flamboyant your crimes are, how are you thinking of paying compensation enough to settle them?"
"I'll be paying compensation. Exactly what you want. —There's no way for me to escape anyway."
"—? That's rather sporting of you. Suspicious."
Subaru unzips his track suit jersey and spreads his arms wide, displaying non-resistance.
Track suit. Yes the track suit. He has taken that track suit which, until this very day, he kept sealed and now is wearing it. He had it in his head that if he was going to have a reunion with Emilia, this'd be the best.
All while yearning for the day he would wear this outfit, and stand before her again.
"Everything I'm about to tell you is a crazy person rambling. Please don't remember it."
"—Huh?"
"I'm the one who set the Capital on fire. And it's not just the Capital, this fire's meant to burn down the whole country. No one could safeguard against it. That's the nation, and knights who protect this nation, mishandling the situation."
Subaru's choppy speech confuses Emilia greatly. Puck looks lost on whether to stop Subaru's talk, but does abort his attack after seeing Emilia's situation.
Grateful for that, Subaru continues.
"Reinhardt's prestige as Sword Saint's fallen to earth. Since we don't know what started the covenant which's meant to be protecting the Dragon's Kingdom of Lugnica, the Dragon's no rescue either. That's something I tested heaps of times so it's definitely right. In the end, Reinhardt and the Dragon are equal."
"Burning the country? You're burning the country? To try and destroy this nation?"
"No, wrong. I'm doing this to make you the Ruler. It's the only single way how."
"—"
A smile arises on Subaru's face, while Emilia's eyes shoot open, thoroughly shaken.
There is no way that anything Subaru's saying could be making sense to her.
Being that he's prefaced this as being rambling, he doesn't mind if it doesn't communicate properly.
It comes to Subaru's deepest wish, should it produce results.
"Flames of demise driving the nation to its destruction—the one to slay the culprit behind it won't be Reinhardt, won't be the Dragon, it'll be you. None of the Selection candidates left can achieve anything to top this. The hero who broke through four centuries of standstill and saved the world is you!"
"That, isn't... what on earth are you saying!? Stop it, I don't understand! I don't understand anything you're saying!!"
Emilia clutches her head, blocks her ears, trying to keep Subaru's words out. Tears well in her eyes, and as he sees one trail down her pale cheek, a sweet shock strikes Subaru's chest.
Part of it is guilt for making her cry. Part of it is from seeing that his actions have shaken her heart, and his consequent dark cheer.
"You don't have to understand. It's fine that you don't understand. Everything that comes next'll be settled when others boost you up of their own accord. Then you just have to grant your wish. That is the only reason I set the country on fire. All of it was for you."
"Liar, liar, liar! I mean, I... you, how come, you..."
Emilia wails at the devotion she never anticipated, and at the offerings she never desired.
It's inevitable that she's sad. It's inevitable that she can't understand.
Subaru knows that he is erring.
Subaru knows that he is incorrect.
Subaru knows that this methods will not bring joy to Emilia.
But this was the only method he had.
Grant Emilia's wish, make Emilia Ruler, and demonstrate his feelings for Emilia.
With these things in mind, and knowing from the very beginning that he was wrong, Subaru got here.
And so Natsuki Subaru laughs. Snickers. Smirks.
"—Watch me, Emilia. See me, detest me, remember me."
"Who, are you? Who in the world, are you...?"
Asks Emilia, her voice trembling, as Subaru slowly approaches her with his arms open wide.
Subaru closes his eyes.
It feels like he's been yearning for this forever.
Yearning to answer that question in Emilia's presence, forever—.
"—My name is Natsuki Subaru."
"Su, baru..."
Just hearing that weak call of his name is enough for a flood of emotion to surge through him.
Emotion so great that, by that alone, Subaru is completely satisfied with having come here.
With those feelings in his heart, and praying that he'll finish this sentence without his voice shaking because of them—
"—Witch Cult Cardinal of Sin, Bishop of PRIDE, Natsuki Subaru!"
"Cardinal...!"
Giving the greatest introduction he can, Subaru puts all his strength into his legs and kicks off the ground.
Natsuki Subaru focuses all of his scattered strength into one point in his body for the final sprint of his life.
Sacrificed many people, maltreated those who could perhaps be his accomplices, found solace in those he perhaps had bonds with, and now finally arriving at this darling girl—
"I'm the man who burned the world, rocked the country, killed the hero, and—"
"—"
"—you will kill."
Feeling the impact spear through his chest, Subaru smiles.
He falls to his knees, unable to support himself before collapsing, tumbling down.
He never reaches Emilia as his body gracelessly pitches across the stone.
"Why?"
Subaru closes his eyes, ready to accept the end, when something prompts him to raise his eyelids.
Emilia is standing right as his side, looking down at him. One of the tears streaming from her eyes lands on Subaru's cheek, making him open his eyes.
"Why?"
Repeated, overlapping questions.
What on earth could this 'why' signify, wonders Subaru.
Why did you do this?
Why did it have to be like this?
Why did you come here to die to me?
There are definitely many 'why's in that question.
And he would like to answer all of them, but Subaru only has the scarcest of time left.
So he lets his final breath carry his answer.
"—I love you."
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Death draws near. Old, familiar death.
Every time that Subaru meets death, he is taken to a dark, lonely, unknown location.
And it truly, truly is a lonely place, somewhere unbearable to be on your own.
Every time that Subaru met death, he was sent out of this place.
Into that world of blood and anguish, tears and woe, and a very slight presence of love.
But it's fine now.
He's satisfied.
"—"
Subaru gets the sense that someone in this dark world has whispered something to him It is comforting, it is encouraging, it is confirmation, it is confession.
But why? This isn't the lover that Subaru sought.
His lover is somewhere else, somewhere where he isn't, with her dream coming true and efforts being rewarded.
Subaru had sacrificed many people, and in the end himself, for that purpose.
And so, it's fine. He doesn't need to be saved. Solace and saviour is what he already got, at the very beginning.
"—"
Definitely calling him.
Calling his name with kindness, with mercy, with love.
And so Subaru separates himself from the spiral of death, while accepting that distant presence.
While accepting them, he answers to that ▒▒▒▒'s words.
"—"
—Even if you reject me, I will never forget you.