How to describe the impact that shocked through Subaru's entirety the moment he heard that confession of love?
He felt the illusion of a bolt of lightning piercing him from head to toe.
Every pore of his body opened as goosebumps carpeted his skin, while the blood coursing through his veins seethed to a virulent boil. The thumping heartbeats in his chest flushed him red from the neck-up, as, roughly panting, Subaru stumbled one step backward.
He couldn't stand there any longer.
If he kept standing there, his breaths would reach her, his fingertips would reach her.
If he didn't get away from her now while he could still keep his instincts in check, he wouldn't be able to stop himself.
And if that happens, Subaru would be swept away by "Love"――
[Subaru: Stop...]
[Satella: I love you]
[Subaru: Please, stop...]
[Satella: I've always, will always, love only you]
[Subaru: I told you to stop――!!]
Shaking his head and swinging his arm, Subaru wrested his attention away from her hot, entangling gaze.
Still, Satella's expression remained invisible to Subaru. And so, he couldn't tell just what emotions were harbored within those eyes.
Yet the feverish pounding in his chest showed no signs of abating.
Only by consciously suppressing that feeling, desperately crying out, thrusting her with that rejection as if he was spitting out blood, could Subaru manage to preserve his fundamental self. If he didn't maintain this effort to keep himself conscious, he was certain that his very existence would distort. And that thought terrified him to no end.
Blatantly rejecting her, flinging his open disgust, and slapping her with that truth, Subaru screamed, while Satella only stood there as before.
Her unseen expression remained behind a veil of darkness. Indiscernible. Impossible to read. And yet, somehow, Subaru could tell that Satella was being injured by those words, and was now casting down her gaze. Somewhere within his heart, was an urge to caress her hair, console her to ease her pained expression, and whisper her his love so that perhaps she might smile again.
Even as he tried to reject it, his heart was insisting that he "Loved" Satella.
[Subaru: Wh... what are you!? What did you do to me!? Like Return by Death… did you put something in me to manipulate my heart!?]
Subaru poured all of his distrust for his disobedient heart at Satella.
Just why was his heart suddenly reacting in a way that was utterly contrary to his understanding? If this overwhelming emotion inside him was also the doing of this unnatural Witch, then that'd be simply far too horrifying.
Twisting people's hearts to one's will―― would be the lowest, most abhorrent act.
The first glimmer of light Natsuki Subaru ever received in this world was his "Crush" on Emilia.
Lost, and without a heading in that initial desperation, he was indebted to Emilia for extending him her hand, and his memories still told of her rescuing his heart just when it was all but abraded away. Even now, her existence had not lost even a fraction of that luster.
Over the days he spent repeating the loops starting from Death, fighting alone through countless adversities, the number of precious people he wanted to protect had only grown, while the words, bonds, and feelings he shared with them slowly accumulated inside him.
By now, he could no longer say that his feelings for Emilia was his primary motivation.
But even so, Emilia was still the first ray of light Natsuki Subaru had received. And now Satella was demanding that same "Crush" for herself.
Even though there was no word exchanged, no touch of warmth, no time spent together, no bond accrued, and nothing whatsoever shared between them, she was demanding "Love" from him.
What could one call this, if not heinous?
[Subaru: You, and Echidona... you're both insane! This... this place is just full of incomprehensible bastards! I'm fucking sick of it!]
To the faceless Witch in front and the white-haired Witch behind him, Subaru screamed without hiding his disgust.
Satella, who sought to extort from him this baseless affection, and Echidona, who would entangle others to sate her devious curiosity, were both monsters beyond Subaru's understanding.
[Echidona: It's rather upsetting to be lumped together with that thing. Even though we are both technically Witches, to me, that is a vulgar creature several magnitudes below Witches. But, "Incomprehensible", now you're not wrong there]
[Subaru: Just shut up. You pretend to be friendly, but I haven't forgotten how deceitful you are. ...Enough. There's no point in me staying here. Let me out. I don't wanna be involved with you people anymore!]
Cursing at Echidona, Subaru hugged his head and pleaded to be freed from her Dream Citadel.
He couldn't stand another second in front of Satella and Echidona. There were enough things Subaru needed to worry about, now was not the time to be looking for more.
He wasn't omniscient, and there was a limit to how much he could handle. Yet why do the problems keep mounting, one after another, when the obstacles were already so stacked against him?
[Subaru: I'll never ask for any of your help again… All the problems outside, I'll deal with them myself. ――That's how it's supposed to be, isn't it!? That's what I should've done from the start...]
[Minerva: And then? So it's back to dying over and over, making heaps of people cry while telling yourself "This is information-gathering, there's no helping it"? Heh, good for you]
Minerva crossed her arms and snorted at Subaru's words of definite parting. Then, seeing Subaru return her a glare, Minerva's unruffled face reddened,
[Minerva: What. Got something to say for yourself?]
[Subaru: Like it has anything to do with you. The pain, the anguish, the wounds, the abrasions because of Return by Death, all that's got to do with is me! What right do you have to complain about it!?]
[Minerva: It's easy for you to say that you're ready for the pain, the suffering, and the anguish. Who cares about the feelings of those who have to watch you spew blood while your flesh gets flayed and your bones get crushed? You can always use the excuse that you're the one who's suffering the most]
[Subaru: What...!?]
Ads by Pubfuture
[Minerva: Just because you're taking on the most obvious, most visible wounds, you think the ones who receive lighter wounds as the results of your actions have no right to say anything. After all, you're the one who's hurting the most. Suffering the most. Enduring the most... And so, naturally, the others around you should just shut up with their snivelling, right?]
Perhaps because of the rage building up as she spoke, Minerva's tone intensified as Subaru bared his teeth. There was just no way Subaru could let those merciless words go unanswered.
[Subaru: You! You think I'm getting drunk on my own tragedy just so that I can shut everyone else up!? That this dead-end road I'm walking is just a fucking act!?]
[Minerva: No, that's not what I'm saying. All I'm telling you is that thinking "It's alright as long as I'm hurting more than anyone else" is cowardly. I'm not a fan of Echidona's devious methods, and I can't for the life of me understand how roundabout Satella is... but I think the way you twist things is way more sickening than us Witches]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Minerva: Above all, while I beat everything in order to heal them, the way you live is not only the opposite, but the antithesis of what I do. ――Isn't that just way too ungrateful for what she's doing for you?]
Holding out her small fist at Subaru, Minerva huffed out those words. Adding that quiet whisper at the end, she turned her blue eyes towards Satella.
Still standing there as before, Satella had stayed silent ever since Subaru showered her with his abuses, and made no indication of affirming or denying those words. Seeing this, Minerva narrowed her eyes, somewhat sadly.
But Subaru couldn't care less about their sentimentality at this point.
[Subaru: Sickening... ungrateful...?]
Catching Minerva's last few words, with his face downcast, Subaru's shoulders slightly trembled. The tremble grew larger, and, when Subaru lifted his face again, he was smiling.
It was far too ludicrous, how could he help but laugh?
[Subaru: The hell is that. Sickening or whatever… and just why do you think I chose to be like this? How did you think I got to this so-called twisted way of thinking? Whether it's my methods or my mindset… isn't that just the natural consequence of the fucking hand I was dealt!? ――Isn't it!?]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: And it was you! YOU! You were the reason I became like this!!]
Shrieking, Subaru threw all his rage at Satella, who had kept her silence up to now as if to escape her culpability.
It was by accepting Return by Death, using its characteristics to overcome his obstacles, enduring all varieties of hardships that Subaru had made it this far.
Tasting the despair of "Death" time and time again, letting it carve into his soul, turning it into his strength, Subaru got to where he was.
――And it was that same Natsuki Subaru's wound-ridden path that made him this way.
[Subaru: The one taking on the wounds, the one suffering…! It'll be me, all me, only me! If having me suffer is enough, then everything'll turn out great, won't it!? As long as I can hold it in, as long as I can bury the rage, the grief, everything, I won't let despair touch anyone else no matter how painfully I have to die! From beginning to end, as long as I'm the only one who gets hurt, then it's all fine, isn't it!? What's wrong with that!?]
Repeat with Return by Death, and, through trial and error, reach the optimal future. It was just as Echidona said. But rather than accept Echidona's offer which would use that resolve to satisfy her own curiosity, he would continue to forge his path alone, just as he had always done.
Unlike Echidona, who would lure him into taking extra detours, if Subaru set his heart and mind to search for the optimal path, the number of retries would no doubt be less than if he went with her. It might very well be more times than he could count. But, even so, there was value in trying.
If at the other end of the bruise-laden Subaru's outstretched arm was a future where no one else would be hurt, then,
[Subaru: I said you're incomprehensible, that I'm sick of it, didn't I? Yeah, sorry, my bad. There was not a shred of dishonesty in that feeling… but I should've thanked you. How did I forget? I actually forgot, how utterly ungrateful of me]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: There is just one thing I have to thank you for. Thanks, for giving me Return by Death. It is all thanks to you. Without it, I wouldn't be able to protect a single thing important to me. So I'll be sure to keep relying on that power. So for that, and only that… I thank you]
He was prepared to go on through trial and error.
The option to flee from this fate had already been abolished a long time ago.
Ever since he said "Take my hand, and run away with me" and was rejected, the option to flee was gone.
He must fight on. For this was his oath, what she expected of him, and what she believed in him. Subaru will not run away, but keep on fighting.
Subaru was the man who would always stand back up. Otherwise, he would no longer be Rem's hero.
[Subaru: That's why… thank you for giving me this power. It's thanks to you that this useless, worthless fool could turn those hopeless situ...]
[Satella: ――don't]
[Subaru: situ…ations...]
Just as Subaru was going to pour out all the heat that had been pent up in his chest, Satella broke her silence with a murmur.
Hearing that single fragment, Subaru's words dulled from their momentum. His face stiffened, waiting, begging to hear that whisper once more.
What did she say just now? It was like something he couldn't bear to hear.
He held his breath, while Satella, after a brief silence, spoke again.
[Satella: ――Please… don't cry. Don't hurt. Don't suffer. Don't make… such a sad expression anymore]
Pleading, Satella whispered to Subaru.
Her words swept up violent tremors in his heart. Of rage, of shock, of a nondescript jumble of every emotion there is.
[Subaru: Y, you... what d...]
Overwhelmed by the maelstrom of emotions, he didn't know what to say.
Intense passion clogged up his throat as he merely opened and closed his mouth, staring at Satella.
Before the wavering Subaru, Satella continued with her sedition.
[Satella: And so, love…]
[Subaru: Is… is that what it comes down to? ...You want to twist my emotions until I finally love you? Is that what you...]
[Satella: ――no]
Ads by Pubfuture
Satella interrupted Subaru's trembling words.
Her expression remained invisible. But, somehow, he could almost sense through his skin how Satella was looking at him behind that veil of shadow.
――Satella, she was,
[Satella: ――Love yourself… a little more]
Surely, she was casting him a look of compassion――
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
It took some time for the meaning of those words to filter into his brain.
But once it did, a shapeless, tremoring wave of emotion instantly engulfed his heart.
[Subaru: The hell... did you just say]
[Satella: ...Please… don't hurt anymore. Be kinder to yourself]
[Subaru: You… were the one who gave me Return by Death… weren't you? You gave me this power so I'd have a way to move forward…]
[Satella: ――I love you. So, please, love yourself as well, and protect yourself]
[Subaru: If I only value my own safety, if you take this method away from me! What'll I have left!!?]
In rejection of Satella's boundless whispers of love, Subaru screamed, pressing his hand against his chest,
[Subaru: You know it too, don't you!? I'm completely powerless! No wits, no skill, I have no special powers at all! The only thing this good-for-nothing self has is the Return by Death you've given me! So isn't my life the only thing I can offer!?]
[Satella: Don't be sad]
[Subaru: I've already factored in all the pain, all the deaths I have to experience. I've accepted it, I'm fine with it! If I'm the only one who'll have to suffer, then I'm fine with that!]
[Satella: Don't suffer anymore]
[Subaru: Getting myself hurt more than anyone else, by going through more than anyone else, if I strive and struggle to protect everyone else, then I can make sure that no one besides me has to suffer! There's nothing more that I want!]
[Satella: Please… don't cry]
[Subaru: It doesn't matter what happens to me, does it!? Like anyone would be bothered care what happens to a bastard like me! No matter how broken, how torn I become, as long as everyone reaches that future safely, then... hk]
Because, if Subaru stops taking those wounds at the very front lines――
[Subaru: If we can welcome that future… without losing anyone… then... gh]
――he might irrevocably lose someone somewhere unreachable again.
[Subaru: ...Rem is.. already gone]
[Satella: ――――]
[Subaru: If I were smarter, if I were stronger, if I wasn't so concerned about my life, if I had put myself in the front... I could've prevented it]
The loss and the despair from back then still binds Natsuki Subaru always.
And so, Subaru had resolved not to rely on anyone, but to carry his wounds, fighting on alone, believing this to be the most correct course.
[Subaru: I have to believe... I have to believe that there's always a way...]
That Return by Death could solve everything.
That as long as he uses it well, Subaru will not lose a single thing in the end.
If he didn't believe, if he didn't tell himself that taking those wounds was necessary, if he didn't convince himself that this was the truth, how could he possibly confront that despair again?
[Subaru: I...! I don't want to lose anyone the way I lost Rem again―― gh!]
Grabbing his head, Subaru shrieked as if to reject all other audible sound.
Before he knew it, he had crumpled to the ground. Forgetting even to distance himself from Satella, he retreated into his shell, curling up as he denied her sweet whispers.
Poison. Virulent poison. Satella's very existence was a will-melting poison to Subaru.
Subaru's heart, which he had sworn never to allow to falter, began to fracture.
Into that opened gap entered ice-cold despair, wrecking his heart with the reawakened grief of that day.
[Sekhmet: You aren't a child anymore]
Suddenly, there came a muttered voice.
Seeing Subaru, wailing and crying, stubbornly insisting on his self-made conclusions and shaking his head in denial of all else, one of the Witches who had kept silent until now murmured.
[Sekhmet: Crying, bawling, throwing up a tantrum, taking everything onto yourself... isn't that, just like…]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Sekhmet: ――a little child, left all alone?]
In a sad, pitying voice, Sekhmet remarked on the current Subaru.
The other silent Witches who had heard Sekhmet's murmur did not refute it.
The Witch of Sloth's words were all too accurate.
Because Subaru's figure now was just that of a pitiful, frail, little child.
-
[Sekhmet: Curling up, being stubborn... isn't that just like a child? It's so painful, I can't bear watching… haa…]
Listening to Sekhmet calling him a child, Subaru, closed off in his shell, couldn't help but think that maybe she was right.
Obstinate and conceited, he was stubbornly shutting out the voices around him―― but surely, his way would be the most reliable for minimizing losses.
Being granted an unlimited number of chances to rewind the world, with his life as the only price, Subaru could keep trying indefinitely. In the process, over and over, Subaru's heart would steadily be abraded away.
But just when he was on the brink of shattering, he was given the words to make him stand again.
{――You're my hero, Subaru-kun}
That. That was all he needed.
After his soul is finally worn to the core, if he could just hear those words with everyone there beside him―― he would be satisfied.
What's so wrong with that?
[???: ――Baru is crying~?]
Suddenly, a child's voice pierced through the silence of the scene as the Witches held their breaths.
Curled into a ball, Subaru felt his head being caressed by a little palm. Glancing up through his teary vision, he saw the murky shape of a tan-skinned girl.
Subaru's gaze had landed on the "Witch of Pride".
[Typhon: Poor Baru… he's cry~ing. ...Who made him cry~?]
The kneeling Typhon stood up, glowering at the other wordless Witches.
A perilous gleam twirled in her eyes as she looked at each of the Witches in turn, then she raised her brows when she finally spotted Satella.
[Typhon: Tella? Tella's here? Why? It's been so long~]
Typhon waved as she called to Satella, but the war-like gleam in her eyes hadn't diminished. Seeing this, the first to address her was Sekhmet, who spilled a languid sigh as she sat up.
[Sekhmet: Typhon...haa… He's a bit occupied at the moment, huu… Don't bother the boy, haa. Come here… huu…]
[Typhon: Mama… did you do something bad to Baru? Mama… are you a sinner too~?]
[Sekhmet: Your mother… haa… doesn't have the energy to be a bad person, huu… I wouldn't want to give myself more work, and I wouldn't want to give you more work either, haa]
Typhon gave a little nod at Sekhmet's answer, but showed no intention of moving away from Subaru like she was told. Instead, she turned to Minerva,
[Typhon: Nerva~~? Did you bully Ba... nah~]
[Minerva: How come you're not asking me? It's not that absurd? It's not like I only ever go around healing people, sometimes I get carried away and abuse people emotionally too, you know... I mean, I… can hurt, people... too, sometimes…]
[Echidona: When your face turns blue just thinking about it, it's kind of hard to imagine any violence coming from you…]
Echidona shrugged, teasing Minerva for her unconvincing reply. Minerva shot her a sharp glare, while Typhon also followed her gaze, turning to Echidona as her childish face twisted into a frown.
[Typhon: So it's Dona. Dona, you did something bad again, didn't you~? Dona… are you a sinner~?]
[Echidona: Now why did that sound like a conclusion rather than a question when you're asking me? I think I should have a word with the one who raised you about that. So, what do you have to say?]
[Sekhmet: It's to do with your daily behavior… haa…]
Saying this, Sekhmet languorously held her hand to her forehead. Without leaving Subaru's side, Typhon was still intently searching for the "Sinner who made Subaru cry".
Seeing the small Witch like this, Echidona narrowed her eyes, muttering [Anyway…],
[Echidona: Now that Typhon's here, we almost have everyone. If Daphne shows up as well, it'll be just like 400 years ago...]
[????: Did.. someone just call for Daphne…?]
In response to Echidona's remark, a pitch-black coffin abruptly appeared on the meadow.
Inside, with her entire body in bondage and her eyes covered by blindfolds, was the Witch of Gluttony, Daphne.
She made a little twitch with her nose, as if sniffing out all the people present.
[Daphne: Not just Subaruun… Tella-Tella's here too? Woaaaw… All seven Witches of Sin are here, even the Sage-candidate too...]
[Echidona: Daphne. ――He's… not there yet]
[Daphne: ...Aaah~, really? Sorry… Anyway... sniff~ sniff~~ I smell something salty… is someone crying? Is it Neru-Neru?]
Without the slightest regard for the mood, Daphne went on poking at the tense situation in her dopey tone.
To have all seven Witches, including Satella, gathered in the Dream Citadel must've been a rare sight even during the golden age of Witches 400 years ago.
With the seven Witches who by themselves had once plunged the world into chaos―― assembled now, in this scene set to explode, was enough power to reshape the world.
The Witch of Pride, seeking to pass judgment upon the one who made the young boy cry.
The Witch of Wrath, clenching her fists, aiming to fulfill the wish of the close friend at her side.
The Witch of Sloth, watching everyone's every move, ready to crush any who would break the peace.
The Witch of Lust, keeping her uninvolved demeanor, preparing to protect herself should the situation set off.
The Witch of Gluttony, having already lost interest in what was happening around her, now agonizing over whose fingers to munch on to stave off her hunger.
The Witch of Greed, directing her hostility toward one particular Witch, while her eyes went on brimming with curiosity at just how this tea party shall unfold.
And, the one who was not the Witch of Envy, but Satella――
[Satella: I, love you. ――Because you gave me light. It was you who took me by the hand, and showed me the world outside. In the nights when I was lonely and afraid, you held my hand. And when I was all alone, you kissed me on the lips and told me that I wasn't. You've given me so, so much. ...That's why, I love you. Because you… you gave me everything]
[Subaru: ――――]
Subaru couldn't recall doing a single thing that Satella had whispered.
He had no part in it, it had nothing to do with him. Whether it was meeting Satella, trading words with her, or sharing a single feeling of warmth. Everything she said had been the product of her delusions. The arrayed, empty fantasies of a woman crazed with longing.
That was how it should be. And yet, "Natsuki Subaru" remembered.
[Subaru: Why is this... inside me, what is this? I don't want this feeling. Don't try to bind me… with memories that can't exist... you… you… I... tk]
"I hate you", was all he needed to say.
All he had to do was stab the girl who offered him these feelings with the fact that he didn't have the slightest affection for her. Once he does, he would be able to see the look on the face of the one who had selfishly sought to warp his heart. Surely, it would be an expression magnificently twisted by heartbreak.
――"But, how could you do that to her?"
[Typhon: Baru?]
[Sekhmet: Oh, kid...]
[Camilla: H-he's...]
[Minerva: You... tch]
[Daphne: Subaruun?]
[Echidona: ――Ah, well that's one option… Natsuki Subaru]
Ads by Pubfuture
As the Witches called to Subaru in turn, Echidona gave a small nod at this outcome.
[Subaru: ――gh, bhu]
――Just like this, curled up on the ground, Subaru had bitten off his own tongue.
Cornered by the Witches, he didn't know what was anything anymore.
With his heart on the brink of twisting, what was left for him to do when even his will was no longer his own?
If it was just something he couldn't accept, he could have rejected it and it would've been fine.
But, in front of Satella, when even his rejection was being turned into acceptance―― that was truly terrifying.
――Now, just what would happen if you lose your life in a dream?
Subaru's body should still be in the Tomb inside the Sanctuary.
What had been summoned here was Subaru's spirit-body, or otherwise, his soul. If his spirit died here, would it carry over to his physical body? Could souls even die?
None of it mattered. If it meant another death and respawn, he'd be fine with that.
He would not take the Witches' help. Instead, he would move forward with even greater self-abandon, scouring away anything that wasn't necessary, and, if he could just stay true to his course, surely, the path would open―― if I could do just that, I,
[Minerva: That, idiot――!]
The instant she noticed Subaru's attempted suicide, Minerva rolled up her sleeves and jolted forward, hurrying to punch Subaru to heal him. But, cutting in front of her was Typhon, who had been standing at Subaru's side.
The small Witch stretched out her little body, blocking Minerva's path.
[Typhon: Baru made his own choice! Nerva, no interrupting!]
[Minerva: Self-harm or suicide or injury or murder, I won't allow any of it under my watch! I don't care what kind of anguish is going on inside! I can't do a thing about wounds that I can't see! That's why! There's no way I'd overlook a wound that I can see!]
The ground caved in beneath her single step as Minerva's fist pierced through the wind, driving towards Typhon's face.
The shrieking fist advanced with enough force to rupture a mountain, but the moment it connects with a living being, the destruction would transform into healing. Although, the shockwave of the impact would still be transferred to the recipient of the strike.
Producing a resounding boom, Minerva's full-forced strike sent Typhon flying.
The prepubescent girl was blown away as easily as a leaf, dancing through the meadow's artificial sky. It was a rather brutal sight―― but Typhon wasn't the only victim.
[Minerva: ――――Tch!]
Minerva's right arm, from her shoulder onwards, shattered like ice-crystals.
This was the consequence of touching the judgment of the Witch of Pride, and thus being deemed a "Sinner".
Minerva tilted back her head in pain for the loss of her arm, opening her mouth wide to shriek――
[Minerva: A scratch――!!]
Or not.
Though she was sensitive to other people's pain, the Witch of Wrath completely disregarded her own.
Even as she criticised Natsuki Subaru for his outlook, she was in fact guilty of the same.
[Minerva: Anyway, now――!]
Having removed her obstacle, Minerva leaped towards Subaru, readying her remaining left arm. Aiming the mighty arm for a full-forced strike from above,
[Sekhmet: I'll be getting in your way next… haa]
In an instant, with her blonde hair fluttering, Minerva was slammed into the ground.
Her entire body pinned to the earth creating a person-shaped crater in the grass, Minerva lifted her face, flushed red with indignant fury, as she screamed at the seated Sekhmet.
[Minerva: Don't get in my way――! Sekhmet――!]
[Sekhmet: That won't do, huu. Sentimentally speaking, I'm on the kid's side, haa. And adding to that, I'm also on Typhon's side, huu… So I have no reason not to get in the way, haa…]
Hearing Sekhmet's declaration of war, Minerva ruefully bit her lip as she looked around her.
But Daphne and Camilla were staying neutral in this conflict, and Echidona was merely watching with piqued interest for the outcome. And, Satella――
[Satella: Hhh...hha...]
Crumbling to her knees, her voice trembled as she watched profuse blood spouting from Subaru's mouth.
With his pouring blood and severed tongue clogging his throat, Subaru was experiencing the sensation of drowning as he caught Satella in a corner of his consciousness.
She's crying, isn't she?
Witnessing Subaru's "Death", she looked more shaken than he had ever seen her before.
[Satella: Why can't you understand...? That of all the things you want to protect, you should be protected too]
Why would she think this way about Subaru?
Within her delusions, just how much support did Subaru lend to her heart?
[Satella: Just like everyone else, struggling in the dead-ends of fate, it's the same for you too. It's just that you have a way of overturning it... but… you need saving too… so why…]
She was completely wrong.
Subaru was a hopeless bastard who couldn't even hold onto the things within his grasp, much less save those he wished to save. A half-assed, useless bastard. There was no escaping from that.
To overcome that useless self, to no longer leave things half-way. Wasn't that what he had promised?
To become the best self he can be. Wasn't that what he had decided?
――That weak, useless self, and the self that no longer wanted to be weak were fighting inside him.
No one would see Natsuki Subaru's weakness anymore.
He must become that strong, dignified, unshakable hero he needed to be.
Because there was a girl who wanted this from him. It was the curse he had placed upon her, and it was his duty to repay her for accepting that curse. Or, actually. It wasn't so much of a duty. It was just that, since that girl believed this about him, he wanted her to keep on believing.
Yes. That was it.
That was it.
If there was anyone who would grieve over Subaru's death, it would be her.
Choosing "Death" was a betrayal of the girl who believed in him. Though of course, to Subaru, "Death" would not be the end. Using "Death" as his stepping stone, he would eliminate his cause of "Death" and retrieve everything he had lost.
But what would this mean for the others whom the Death-bound Subaru had left behind?
He mustn't think about it.
He mustn't know it. Those were dangerous thoughts.
It was fine. Natsuki Subaru was fine just the way he was.
He mustn't think that anyone would grieve for him.
He wasn't someone worthy of such a thing. Subaru's life was a consumable resource. To be used, and used, and used, until they reach the very end. That was all it was meant to be.
To use death without reservation to its greatest effect, he mustn't balk at his own "Deaths".
Be decisive. It's fine to think nothing. In order to take back what he needs to take back, he must be prepared to abandon what he has to abandon. Everyone does this. It's fine for Subaru to do this as well.
Ads by Pubfuture
He just has to save the ones precious to him
If he could do just that, Subaru――
[Satella: What did you see... in the Second Trial...?]
The Trial. ――The Trial. The Trial, the "Trial". Trial Trial Trial, "Trial" Trial Trial Trial, Trial――?
Shock and deprivation of oxygen had slowed his thoughts to their limits.
His vision blurred and blurred into a flickering red, as a storm of television noise ran through his mind. "It's about time this ended", he vaguely thought.
The end was slowly approaching.
How many times was it now, that he had welcomed "Death" like this? It was far too tiresome to count, but that was fine.
Eventually, he would have repeated deaths so many times that counting would become sickening.
He didn't think he could stay conscious long enough to count all the "Deaths" anyway.
That heart of steel.
To have, that unshakable, heart of steel――
Slowly, and slowly, Subaru's consciousness departed,
And faded,
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
{I'm counting on you, son}
A voice.
Through the noise, and through the rebounding cacophony, he heard a horrifically clear voice.
{――Have a safe trip}
He heard another.
A different voice. But it brought the same emotions to his chest.
{I would have liked to call you friend}
Another voice, bringing a different feeling.
Somehow, it agitated him to hear it. But, there was also a pleasantness to it.
{Subaru-dono... please forgive me...}
Yet another voice.
Flooding his chest with a passing loneliness and something similar to yearning. A voice he wanted to apologize to.
{You… aren't, that person... I know that… at least... but...}
Here was a voice that gripped at his chest.
Hearing this voice, he could no longer control himself. This voice, that was about to cry. This voice that mustn't be allowed to cry. This voice that he must protect. This voice. This voice. This voice.
{So show me how amazing you can be. Subaru-kun}
*Thud*, something thumped inside him in answer to this voice.
His body heated. Compelled by a sense of duty to move. At this voice that had always supported him.
And,
{Thank you, Subaru}
There came a voice.
{――For saving me}
――The voice that announced the beginning of everything.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
He was probably crying.
If the people dear to him learned about his death, would they grieve for him?
Those irreplaceable people left behind in the worlds that Subaru had selfishly escaped through "Death", would they mourn and grieve for him?
Just as Subaru was lamenting his own weakness, repeating through Return by Death in search of the perfect future, those who lost him in the final step―― would they mourn for him as well?
The people who were precious to him.
The people he believed he must protect.
The people he undoubtedly wished to rescue from their fate's dead-end.
――Was he worthy of being mourned by those so precious to him?
It's alright to be a little conceited, isn't it?
To be so conceited as to think that I'm also precious to the people I consider precious.
It's alright to have a little faith, isn't it?
To believe that those I want to protect also want to protect me as well.
I'm allowed to have a little hope too, aren't I?
That someone would shed tears if I died, and see me as important enough to reach out their hand to save me.
――It's alright for me to think this, isn't it?
I don't want to die.
I don't want to give up, as if this is the only way.
I don't want to be a stepping stone, even if it means saving the futures of people I love.
In that future where I've protected all of them, I want to be there too.
It's alright for me to think like this, isn't it?
I… have the right too… don't I?
If I do, then――
[Subaru: I don't… wanna die...]
Gurgling through the clotting blood, alongside the escaping air, he spoke.
The severed-tongue clogging his throat broke free, as his mouth opened and closed, gasping for air. His lungs expanded, oxygen cycled through his brain, and his murky vision started returning.
Then,
[Minerva: There, those're his real thoughts...kh!]
――Despite having lost both her legs, with willpower alone, the red-flushed Witch of Wrath rammed her healing head into Subaru's.
-