――What woke him was the feeling of water drops dripping onto his face.
The steady rhythm of cold droplets splashing on his cheek pulled his consciousness upward. And alongside the awakening of his consciousness, an acute sense of being alive slowly permeated throughout his body.
Simply put, it was that primal and intense sensation which required no words to convey―― Pain.
[Subaru: ...dgah]
As if to welcome Subaru's awakening, agonizing pain embraced him with open arms. Once the initial shock was felt, there was no way to avoid the rest of the onslaught.
His cracked forehead, his mangled right arm, and his spine that was marred by the extreme impact all shrieked with pain. But, far exceeding all of them, was,
[Subaru: this's b..ad...]
Directing his gaze towards the source of the razor-sharp pain, Subaru found that a branch as thick as two fingers had skewered him through the area under his right collarbone. Its point was slick with blood, and as much as Subaru rallied his resolve to pull it out it in spite of the pain, it refused to budge an inch.
Fortunately, the branch was broken on the way down, so, as long as Subaru ignored it visually, it wouldn't do much to impede his movements.
[Subaru: way too eccentric... this fashion...]
Somehow managing to get his unresponsive body to move and sitting himself up, Subaru leaned into a nearby rock-face to catch his breath. Looking over his surroundings, he found himself at the entrance of a small cave. Apparently, the water dripping onto his face was the morning dew falling from the top of the cave's mouth. ――But morning dew would mean,
[Subaru: it's morning...!?]
As Subaru understood the heartless passage of time, intense pain coursed up his trembling body as though the back of his eye was painted red and his entire body was pierced by needles. A tear rose in his single eye as his thoughts slowly caught up.
What happened to him before he lost consciousness? Recalling it,
[Subaru: ――a]
Subaru remembered what senseless tragedy his existence had brought.
Timidly gazing upwards, he saw the daylight penetrating between the gaps of the trees and into the forest. Bathed in that light, Subaru looked up towards the slope from which he fell―― wondering what kind of scene was awaiting him there.
[Subaru: ――ng]
Gulping down a breath, tormented by the guilt of not dying straight away, Subaru crawled at a caterpillar's pace, heading towards the other side of the slope.
Although his movements were hindered by the branch jutting from his chest, slowly but surely, he drew closer with time.
If this was the old Subaru, just imagining the scene that was awaiting him would have gripped him with horror, and he would probably have run away, refusing to look. But the current Subaru would not permit that.
He must see it to the end, swallow it down, and make it his food.
Because this was the duty of Natsuki Subaru, having failed to die when he should have.
[Subaru: hha...hhaa]
With one crawl, and then another, he dragged himself up the slope with only his upper body off the ground. His breath panting, sweat soaking the dried wounds on his forehead, blood seeped out once more. He rudely wiped at it with his sleeve, soiling his face with mud and blood as he crawled.
Crawling past a totaled carriage, passing around a large toppled tree, Subaru's fingers reached the destined rim of the slope―― the spot from which Patrasche threw him in her sacrifice.
[Subaru: ――――]
For a moment, there was hesitation.
By raising his head and extending his neck to peek over, Subaru would be faced with the inescapable reality. He will no longer be able to escape into his imagination and indulge in the fantasy that some miracle might have occurred after he was driven away and that the majority of the refugees had managed to escape.
[Subaru: What am I, stupid? ...no, I am stupid]
Without a doubt, in his one sided vision, Subaru had witnessed the moment Patrasche was crushed under the beast's jaw. After offering her all for Subaru, the instant of that loyal dragon's death was still branded into the back of Subaru's eyelids. To pretend that it was a dream or to escape into some convenient fantasy was nothing less than to insult her, who had sacrificed the very last embers of her life for Subaru.
Igniting the flame of conviction in his heart, Subaru wrenched out what little willpower he had left and opened his eye. Pushing himself up on his stomach, through the thick branches obstructing his vision and beyond the opening forest, in the scene of the tragedy――
[Subaru: ――――h?]
There was nothing.
Nothing at all.
[Subaru: how is that... pos…ble?]
With his face still twisted from imagining the carnage that was supposed to have panned out before him, Subaru's eye bulged in disbelief, unable to accept the scene that dawned on his sight.
There were scattered wrecks of carriages and several uprooted trees. Claw marks were still gouged deep into the ground, and there were signs of destruction and resistance all over.
And yet, the most heartbreaking sight was not there.
The remnants of the slaughter. The corpses of the villagers who, in the truest sense of the words, gave their lives so Subaru could escape. The corpse of the ground dragon who was torn in two for her loyalty.
They were all nowhere to be found.
[Subaru: ――――]
The beast and the battle could not have been a dream. The scattered wreckages proved this. Only, the consequence of the tragedy was missing.
With great effort, Subaru used a nearby tree to pull himself up. Fortunately, after the initial shock had passed, the wounds in his leg and hips were no more than superficial scrapes and bruises. He stood up, holding his right arm steady with his left to stop it from hurting from the motion of dangling. And, looking over his surroundings,
[Subaru: Ho..w? Where's Patrasche... everyone... Otto?]
He didn't want to see their corpses.
Honestly, he would like nothing more than if everyone survived. But there was no way for that kind of pipe dream to be true. Subaru, of all people, knew this in his very cells
After all, before Subaru lost consciousness, he had already witnessed several lives being extinguished by the beast's claws.
The scrawny youth fought to the end, but without leaving even a single scratch, he was crushed. There was the woman who lost her life when she was tossed out from the dragon carriage that was sent flying. And the old man was snapped like a dried twig by a single swing of the beast's claw, leaving nothing but a miserable corpse behind.
With every remembered death, pain and regret shaved away at Subaru's heart. Yet, even so, those deaths that he supposedly witnessed here had somehow been stolen from this place.
[Subaru: Patrasche... Patrasche...?]
Thinking of the lives that were lost, Subaru feebly and despairingly called his partner's name.
The moment her body was torn in two, and the pain of her final gasp, Subaru had certainly seen and heard it, so he had no fleeting hopes that she could still be alive.
Nevertheless, he had wanted to find her soul-departed remains, and apologize. It was something only Subaru could do.
His steps dragged, and his body was near exhaustion. The search was slow and feeble, and it took all of two hours just to explore the surrounding area.
But despite spending all this time, all Subaru found was,
[Subaru: Luggage mixed with the wreckages, scraps of clothes, and...]
Massive amounts of blood.
Just as Subaru imagined with near-certainty, everything carved by the beast's claws was accompanied by mass volumes of blood. He had expected there to be the choking stench of blood drifting about the scene, but perhaps because the blood clotting up Subaru's nose canal had deprived him of his olfactory senses, he didn't smell a thing.
He had already assembled enough evidence that the fact could not be denied. Yet the only piece he could not find was the conclusive proof itself, and how it came to be lost was enshrouded in mystery.
Even more importantly, it was while searching through the surroundings, that the extremely belated question finally burned into his mind. That is――
[Subaru: Why wasn't I.. killed...?]
He didn't finish Subaru off―― although Subaru surviving all those wounds may have been difficult to believe, it would still have been far too careless to have gone back without at least inspecting the body. After all, Subaru was Garfiel's target to begin with.
Even though he still couldn't understand why Garfiel would turn his claws to the refugees, he might have done it to teach Subaru a lesson.
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But if that were the case, there would be even less reason for the bodies to disappear.
[Subaru: Even if… they were carried away...]
There were 42 refugees in total. Even if everyone turned into a corpse, it would still be too unrealistic to tow them all away, not to mention Patrasche and the other ground dragons as well.
[Subaru: But still...]
He didn't want to imagine it, but if they were swallowed into the great beast's belly―― yet, for the same numerical problem, it wasn't a realistic theory. At least, while it was conceivable how they could be carried away, what was inconceivable was how they could afford the labor required to hide the bodies from sight.
In the end, before even considering whether the tiger would do such a roundabout thing, the crucial question was why it didn't make an effort to finish the wounded Subaru off.
[Subaru: ――――]
Suddenly, it occurred to him just how much this scene resembled the depopulated Sanctuary.
Although the conditions leading up to it were different, the results had many points in common. All the signs of the surrounding destruction were from the great tiger's rampage, and unrelated to the tiger and the refugee's disappearance. If one looked past the this most striking aspect of the scene, the two were eerily similar in that there were no bodies in sight.
In other words,
[Subaru: Th-the Sanctuary would be in the same state as last time too...?]
His breath growing ragged as he came to that conclusion, Subaru once again used up all his strength to stand. Then, looking over his surroundings, he deduced the direction of the Sanctuary.
――This was the morning of the sixth day.
Last night was probably the deadline for the Mansion. Although he could not say for certain, if Elsa's attack took place, then it was already too late to prevent the tragedy.
On the Sanctuary's side, something must have happened that made the tiger-morphed Garfiel abandon the thought of dealing Subaru the final blow. That something must have also been the reason why everyone here disappeared. But why the same thing didn't happen to Subaru remained completely unknown.
[Subaru: ――――]
Which way to go? Subaru hesitated for only a moment.
A warmth passing through his chest sent a faint ache across his heart. It was the inseverable sensation of guilt and remorse for the girl, still in her slumber, and all those he left in the Mansion.
Clenching his teeth, Subaru shook off these emotions and turned his steps to the Sanctuary.
With slow, dragging steps, in order to find out what had happened, Subaru made his way towards the Sanctuary.
What was waiting for him ahead? So that he could burn something worthy of the lives that were lost into his memories, he intended to spend this life for that redemption, even if only for the smallest hint to increase his chances of prevailing in the end.
――On the way to the Sanctuary, he passed through the place where Ram and Garfiel had fought.
There were scars left by wind-blades on the trunks of the nearby trees, as well as familiar claw-marks carved into the earth and the rocks, brutally gouged out by whole chunks at a time.
He briefly searched the area for any signs of Ram―― or, most likely, Ram's body. But, unsurprisingly, he did not find her.
If the enormous tiger really was Garfiel, then, to him, she should have been his long-time crush. Subaru might even have believed it if their feelings grew into something deeper, but,
[Subaru: To go to the point of killing each other just to say "I like you"... I must've read too many light novels]
Because neither of them would back down, it did not end until one had killed the other.
Just how much could that love or longing have helped to stem the tide? If it truly could have stopped the violence, it would have stopped it before it even began.
The moment they had cast it aside, there was already nothing that could have stopped them.
[Subaru: ...I'm, sorry]
She was nowhere in sight, but Subaru nevertheless offered his apology to the girl who did her best to save him.
Her fight would also become meaningless, and her thought would have been in vain once Subaru returned to the Sanctuary. For ahead of his path was something Subaru needed, now that he intended to die.
Despite his mounting regrets, Subaru doggedly walked towards the Sanctuary. The road on which he had begun walking before noon was only a distance of about ten minutes on Patrasche's back.
Defying his wounds, and advancing at a caterpillar's pace, it was already evening by the time Subaru drew close to the Sanctuary.
[Subaru: took half a day...fin..ally...]
He was back.
Almost collapsing on the spot of relief, there wasn't the slightest sense of accomplishment. Instead, the flame consuming Subaru's insides was the sense of powerlessness and anger at himself. And far surpassing his self-hatred, was something black and shimmering,
[Subaru: You fucking back yet... huh, Garfiel...?]
Don't think about it, don't think about it, he told himself in his heart to stem the overpowering hatred and rage towards that golden-haired piece of shit.
There were three primary reasons he returned to the Sanctuary.
The first was to get to the bottom of the mystery of how everyone had disappeared. It was essential for the future to grasp at least a part of that answer.
The second was to confirm that Emilia, who had remained in the Sanctuary, was safe. If everyone had disappeared, she would probably be no exception. So he intended to make sure.
And the third―― far greater than the previous two reasons combined, was that furious flame charring the depths of Subaru's heart.
The impulse to tear that bloody tiger apart.
He took a step into the Sanctuary. Two moss ridden pillars stood in place of an entrance. Passing between them and entering the Sanctuary, Subaru quietly lowered the sound of his breathing as he looked around him.
Silence had fallen on the Sanctuary, as one would expect of a place devoid of people. But even before that, Subaru had not heard a single insect in the forest on his whole walk here.
It wasn't just the residents of the Sanctuary that had disappeared. It was as though the activity of every living thing in the region had been halted into silence.
[Subaru: ――――]
Even his own breathing felt too noisy in this silence. Subaru painfully pushed his throat to the limit to not make a sound. Taking short, careful breaths and dragging steps, Subaru headed to the depths of the Sanctuary―― to the house where Emilia should be.
――In the hours before nightfall, Emilia would be passing the time leading up to the Trials curled up and hugging her knees. This usually became particularly striking after the third day, and especially this time, when Subaru was not at her side. Most likely, isolation and frustration had been shaving down her heart more acutely than in any of the loops before this.
[Subaru: not here, huh...]
Pushing open the door and looking inside, Subaru saw no one in the room and sighed.
Although Emilia was absent, her unoccupied bed was messy, and a chair was left knocked over by the bed. He could not be sure if this happened while she was resisting whatever caused the disappearance, or if Emilia, worn to her limit, had done this out of impulse.
Only, all the way along the road, Subaru hadn't encountered a single person.
[Subaru: Should I stop by Roswaal's place...?]
Accepting that Emilia was no longer here, Subaru's heart was calm as he considered the next course of action.
Although decisiveness in carrying out his plan was necessary, part of himself already knew that he would find nothing even if he went there.
Just as he feared, there was no one in the Sanctuary. The moment Emilia was gone, Subaru should no longer have any attachment to this place.
Emilia, who was supposed to be the subject of his attachments, had disappeared. But, as Subaru noticed, even this had barely caused a stir in his heart.
Was it because he finally had acquired that unshakable, dauntless, dazzling heart of steel?
No, Subaru immediately shook his head.
This sense of loss, of being deprived of the harbor of his emotions, was far too different from that heart of steel he had strived for. This, was but the result of excessive rage at the end of incomprehension, having worn everything else away, leaving only a fractured heart behind.
It was not unshakable, but only drained of all its contents.
――He had already lost the will to live.
Of course, it was only natural.
The current Subaru wasn't living for the sake of living. He had failed to die when he was supposed to, and so, he couldn't die until he had found something to justify his prolonged life.
In other words, it was not the will to live, but the resolve to die where all his consciousness was focused.
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What was there to live for in a world like this?
Emilia was gone. Rem was gone. Patrasche was dead, and most likely Ram and Petra, too. And there was no question whether Otto had survived or not.
There was no one. There was no one left. Because Subaru wasn't smart enough, because Subaru wasn't strong enough, because Subaru didn't try hard enough, because Subaru didn't want it enough, he failed to save everyone. He didn't save anyone. Even though it was something only Subaru could do.
[Subaru: So... I...]
Have to take it all back. See it to the end. And set everything on the correct path.
It was something only Subaru could do. And it was something Subaru had to do.
All the sacrifices made for its sake, Subaru must always keep in his heart.
All that which was lost, Subaru must always keep in his thoughts.
All the price that must be paid, Subaru must always continue to pay.
To pay whatever price. Pile on the sacrifices. And take it all back in the end.
[Subaru: ――――]
Limping and staggering, Subaru came out of the building.
His steps did not turn towards the residence where Roswaal was recuperating, but to the very depths of the Sanctuary―― the Tomb. Last time, wandering through the depopulated Sanctuary, it was there where he was killed by "Something". This time, he was heading to the exact same spot.
What for? To be killed, of course.
If the conditions were the same as last time, then Subaru should be killed there in the exact same manner.
But, knowing that the attack would come, Subaru judged that he should be able to dodge at least one fatal strike.
Even if he was killed by the second blow, as long as he could catch a glimpse of the enemy's true form, it would be enough.
Having prepared the resolve to die, step by step, Subaru steadily approached his destination.
The place where his stomach was gouged through from behind―― although he couldn't remember the exact spot, he was certain it was only inches from the entrance of the Tomb.
Spotting the tip of the Tomb's structure in the distance, Subaru's heart rate grew frantic as the blood pulsing through his body flashed between hot and cold. Was it heating up or cooling down? Even that, he couldn't tell.
His body was hot, his hands and feet were numb. But his fingers were stiff, cold, as if pressed against frozen lead, and his head was cool enough to objectively see his situation.
A foolish existence heading to its death, knowing that it would die.
He was supposed to have made the oath in his heart to wager his life in exchange for results, but his expression was far from that resolute will. His brows were downcast, he bit his lips, and his limbs trembled uncontrollably.
All pretense fell away in the final moments, as he loathed himself for revealing that weakness underneath. Pushing that sentiment aside, Subaru went on without slowing his steps.
Even though he couldn't change the fact that he was weak, frail and stupid, he nonetheless wanted to have the courage to move forward from that self, and become the self he had always wanted.
Just like how a negative and a negative makes a positive, his crooked optimism was banking on weakness and weakness producing something good. And with this, Subaru steadily treaded along the path to the Tomb, and to Death.
The Tomb drew closer. His heartbeats thumped, and he could clearly hear the sound of blood pulsing through his scalp. The bile retching up from his empty stomach burned in his throat. His trembling knees were on the verge of collapsing to the ground, and his left field of vision was drenched by sweat, blurring everything in sight.
Roughly raising his left arm to wipe his eye, he faced forward once again. And it was then, he noticed it.
[Subaru: ――a?]
Just as he lifted his leg towards the Tomb, Subaru saw that a change had taken place before his eyes.
Without even the chatter of insects audible, there was only the chorus of the occasional rustling of leaves stirred up by the wind. But suddenly, cutting into it, there was the sound of a small, intermittent chirp.
At first, Subaru thought it was a small, white furball being blown over by the wind.
But the furball stopped just a few paces in front of Subaru, and made a little twitch. Incredulous, Subaru furrowed his brows as he saw two long ears rise up.
[Subaru: a, rabbit?]
A little animal with two long ears and white, fluffy fur. With two characteristic red eyes, its mouth jittered as it looked about its surroundings. Then, looking up at Subaru, it tilted its little head, and let out a high-pitched squeal.
A small, teeny-tiny rabbit. It was about the size of Subaru's fist and, at a glance, it was not that far from the size of a hamster. But since its ears were as big as the rest of its body, the term "fits in your hand" might be slightly misleading.
In a place where bugs, humans, and dragons all vanished without a trace, there was suddenly a rabbit.
Although it could be just one of the critters that lived in the forest, considering how Subaru hadn't encountered a single living creature up to this point, seeing it here was exceedingly strange.
[Subaru: Why is there a rabbit here... it.. is a rabbit.. right?]
With endless questions, Subaru looked over his surroundings, confused, trying to see if there were other animals besides this rabbit that had wandered back into the Sanctuary. And, with no particular intention, he reached out his hand towards the rabbit, hoping to confirm what it was, or perhaps just wanting to pet its fur――
[Subaru: ――――]
The next moment, Subaru's entire left hand was detached from his wrist upwards.
Blood sprayed out from the ragged, sloppy wound, and green-blue veins dangled from the stump. Were the thin, white strings tendons or nerves? Either way, it's always something grotesque when human body parts are destroyed―― and those, were his few seconds of escape from reality.
Pain of an entirely other dimension trashed at Subaru's brain, and, suffocating from the agony, his body collapsed to the ground. The branch that pierced his collarbone snapped in half upon impact, transforming into shattering pain. Pain, pain, pain.
[Subaru: Ggha!? Aa,uaghaa! Aaauu, uuuuaaAAAA,AAAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAA!!]
His thoughts turned white-hot.
It hurts. Every cell of his body was dominated by this emotion of pain and there was already no way to register the reality of the agony as the thought occurred to him why it had to hurt so much and where it came from and why was it happening to him and why it hurt so much and it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts――
Suffocating from sheer agony, blood gushed from Subaru's wrist as he drove it into the ground, and, for some reason, he bit into the earth, inexplicably gnawing at the puddle of mud. The bitter, asphyxiating soil brought back a moment of mental clarity, and his eyes dashed as if searching for the cause, when he saw the white furball at his feet―― the little animal's white fur was speckled with dots of red, and its tiny mouth was busy working away. Under its black nose, its cheeks were puffed up, twitching. And, sticking out of its mouth, Subaru saw his left pinky finger.
Understood. Gotcha. What happened here? He got eaten. He got eaten. He just got eaten.
[Subaru: Gu, ghhfffuuaaaAAAAAA!!]
Comprehension and pain drove him into a scream bordering insanity, Subaru turned to face the rabbit. His right arm was broken and immobile, and his left wrist was in the rabbit's belly. There was nothing he could do, but if he could just confirm its true form――
He felt something burning into his thigh. With the unamusing shock of sharp, merciless blades scraping his flesh to the bone, he turned up the whites of his eyes as white foam gushed from the back of his throat. If only he could lay down his head and faint, but the intensity of the agony had no intention of releasing his consciousness.
Bubbling blood spilled from the corner of his lips, and he writhed like a fish on land. The fact that his ears could still hear, must be both a miracle and a joke by a cruel God.
Like the rustle of lapping waves, the sound captured Subaru's eardrums.
Little hops. Small, tiny bodies. The chain of overlapping chirps expanded to enormity, and even if his vision were still present, he had no desire to count them.
And, in a moment, he was sincerely glad that the only thing left to him was his ears.
Simultaneously feeling the bites of feeding teeth over all of his body, now, through the tactile and unmistakable pain, Subaru understood that he was being devoured by threats numbering in the hundreds.
He shrieked. And a surge pushed him onto his back as his throat trembled. Immediately, furry creatures dived into his opened mouth. His tongue was torn to shreds, sharp teeth flashed across the depths of his throat, ravaging everything from his esophagus to his stomach.
Inside, they collided with the others that had invaded from his rectum, and, as if descending into a competition, they devoured his organs left and right, turning Natsuki Subaru into minced feed.
It was the unmistakable sensation of being alive while living creatures shredded him from within.
Fear had already left him. There was barely any more pain. He couldn't understand why he was still conscious.
He was being eaten. He was being eaten. His left eye was gouged out. His ears were no longer there. His organs had already been consumed, and now the skin of his face was being peeled off. A hole opened in his skull, and teeth sank into his exposed, bulging brain――
――
――――
――――――
――――――――
――――――――――――――――――――――――――――ah―.