Kakuzu
As soon as Sasori rode out of sight, Laurie shook her head. "Okay. Back to work." She shook out her wrists as she walked over and bent down to examine the bicycles Sasori had rescued from beneath the tires. "Not that I know anything about machines, really," she said while taking a careful look at one of them anyway.
Kakuzu didn't have any idea what he was here for either. Now that the car-lifting had been accomplished, all the spectators had drifted away, except for a few still taking pictures and selfies with the mess. There's something I can do. Kakuzu stood and glared at a selfie-taker who was trying to take a picture of himself with Laurie in the background.
"Hey, man, you're ruining the shot," the selfie-taker whined.
"Do you think this is funny?" Kakuzu demanded to know. "A man's in the hospital, this tangle's going to need expertise to disassemble, nobody can drive through here until it's cleared, and a friend of mine is upset. Do you think you, of all people in this fucking world, have a right to be inserting yourself into that?"
The selfie-taker shuffled his feet and looked down, away from Kakuzu's piercing green gaze. "I don't really care about the rest. I just wanted to take a picture with a pretty girl," he admitted. Kakuzu was happy to note that he had the understanding to cringe in anticipation of how bad that sounded. Perhaps he was still capable of learning a thing or two.
"A woman whose name you don't even know," Kakuzu corrected.
The selfie-taker put his phone away, turned around and left as fast as he could. Kakuzu watched him go. That was really the only good response; maybe this jerk would learn something from this encounter.
"Thank you." Kakuzu turned to see Laurie smiling up at him. She shrugged as if embarrassed and unsure what to say. "It's...nice of you. You're Hidan's friend, right? I don't think we really talked before."
"We did not." Kakuzu turned to look for anyone else trying to take inappropriate pictures. He saw several still marveling at the mess of bikes, or maybe they were new people. Nobody was paying attention to Laurie. Kakuzu turned back to her. "You're welcome."
Laurie smiled at him again, then turned back to the damaged vehicles. "You said a friend of yours was upset," she said. "Hidan was complaining a lot, but that's not upset, really. Sasori was upset. Were you talking about him?"
Vaguely intelligent. She might be good to talk to. Kakuzu sat on the road beside her, in front of another bicycle. This one was red and mangled. He didn't know what Sasori expected them to say besides that. "Yes."
"So...what do you guys have in common?" she asked. "Besides ninja stuff. Or is it all ninja stuff? I know you guys said I was welcome any time, but I haven't come by. Sorry."
Kakuzu shook his head. "You left just in time, and nobody is sorry that you missed all the crap that's happened over the weekend. It was worse than facing the succubus again, to add perspective."
Laurie stopped what she was doing and stared at him. "How? I mean...well, obviously I mean how can it be worse, but also how much worse? It can't be that much worse, can it? People got hurt fighting her. Nobody's dead, right?!"
"No, nobody is dead." Kakuzu crossed his arms. "It's actually the same level of hurtful, but in a form that we can't resolve or make go away. That's why it's worse."
"Oh." Laurie went back to looking at the bicycles. Looking was all she was doing; she was just sitting there and staring at them, not sure what she was supposed to be looking for. It felt ridiculous and kind of disrespectful. "I don't know what he really wanted me to look for. Do you know?"
"I do not."
Laurie remembered that there was a good reason why she had not talked to Kakuzu before. If she recalled correctly, he had talked very little in general at their evaluation. "Well, he worries about them in a personal way, like he would people," she thought aloud. "And I'm more of a people person than he is, so I could comfort them while they're injured. But, no - Hidan can feel feelings, and he said they didn't have any. What can I do if they don't have feelings?"
Kakuzu did not answer. She turned to find him staring at her. He looked at her critically, as if he thought she'd said something wrong. Laurie wondered what she had said.
Laurie was mistaken. Kakuzu did not look at her critically, but warily. He also sat very still and found himself reflexively listening for danger. Uh oh. Crap approaching in three, two, one… "Why do you talk as though they are people?" he asked. He knew there could be no good answer to this question. Why had he been with Hidan? Why? Being in Hidan's vicinity could not be good, he remembered. Hidan was a trouble magnet. Fuck me. Why did I have to be the one to find him back then? He was too horrified to muster even a trace of resentment, which was a bad sign.
Laurie relaxed. She hadn't said anything wrong; he was just confused. She could do something about that. "Well, they kind of are, I think. So they started showing up about a week ago. I think the first was a little kid's bike…"
Kakuzu facepalmed very early on in her story, when she described the racing bike that had stood next to Sasori's motorcycle that one time, and he kept his hand there until she finished. Sometimes he relaxed his hand, but more often he pressed it against his face harder. By the time she finished, his nose hurt and Kakuzu thought he might be giving himself a bruise where he was pressing on his cheekbones. If I have bones, he remembered thinking. He pressed even harder, causing his nose to send emergency signals warning of imminent breakage.
Laurie watched him for a few seconds after she finished. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"No."
"Oh." Laurie sat back and wondered what it actually meant to twiddle one's thumbs. She would look it up when she wasn't on a bare roadside and had Wifi. Or she could call someone who currently had Wifi. She called Deidara, learned that he was in the middle of a forest, asked for a number, then called Hidan. Hidan was already back at the base while Sasori gathered his tools, and looked it up for her. He told her that according to Wikipedia, it meant locking the rest of her fingers together, then spinning her thumbs around some invisible point between them. No, he had no idea why anyone would do that, under any circumstance. Yes, that was probably the reason why twiddling was no longer a word that anyone used.
"Thanks," she told him. "I'm actually curious about where the word twiddling came from now, but I can look that up on my own later. I think he's starting to move his hand."
"Who's moving his hand?"
Kakuzu's hand slid slowly, draggingly, down his face. He growled as it did so.
"Yeah, I'll call you later." Laurie ended the call. "Are you okay?"
"I already answered that." Kakuzu was not happy.
"I mean more okay, then."
Kakuzu sighed. "You just told me about a secret society of living machines that can and will send a man to the hospital if he gets in their way at all. There is no way I can be 'okay' after hearing that. No mentally normal person would be."
Laurie's mouth twitched. She called Hidan back and put him on speakerphone. "Hey, Hidan?"
"Yeah?"
"There's a secret society of living machines that can and will send a man to the hospital if he gets in their way."
"Yeah, sure, why not?"
Laurie raised her eyebrows at Kakuzu. He glared back. "Hidan does not count as mentally normal. Even Deidara's more stable than he is."
Laurie called Deidara, and told him the same thing. The line went very, very quiet.
She and Kakuzu listened carefully. Laurie wondered why he wasn't responding, and Kakuzu hoped the kid hadn't crashed. Eventually Deidara replied, "I am landed now, so, WTF?!"
"See?" Kakuzu looked down at her smugly. "I told you no mentally normal person can react well to that news."
"They've never done anything really bad without being provoked. Why would it be bad news?" Laurie still lacked understanding.
"What the huh? Hello?"
Kakuzu took her phone. "I'm sorry you had to suffer for this demonstration. If it's any consolation, Sasori promised to explain later. It sounds like we're having another meeting."
"He'd better, yeah!"
Kakuzu ended the call and handed the phone back. Strangely enough, he felt much better already. The time for confusion is over. I need to figure out how dangerous this is and what we should do about it. He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes in thought. Let's see. Hidan felt no pain, nor anything else. If a crowd of people did this, they would need a very strong reason to, such as intense anger. These bicycles can send a man to the hospital easily, without any such motivation, just because he was in their way. That makes them very dangerous, if they have reason to be.
How much reason do they have, that's the important question. He was definitely going to have to ask for more information, but for now, It seems they don't have very much. They don't get angry, so they won't react to an insult. They would only do this if someone was tangibly interfering with their goals, like the boss was preventing them from being fixed. They don't have anything in common with people, so they must have completely different goals. The only person I've ever heard of them interacting with is Sasori. If their only point of connection to humans is Sasori, then as long as we stay away from him we should be completely uninvolved with their goals and therefore in no danger.
Hmm. Great power to be dangerous, but no reason to be. What does that remind me of?
Kakuzu looked at Laurie. She was an NPC, so she probably wouldn't react, but he wanted to try to get a reaction out of her. "These bicycles of yours remind me of the god we keep in our basement, except less powerful."
Laurie thought quickly. "If you keep it in your basement where you live, it can't be that dangerous. If the bicycles are even less dangerous than that, why were you not okay?"
Kakuzu groaned. Friggin' NPCs. "I needed some time to adjust to the news."
"Alright." She could understand that.
Time passed. Kakuzu adjusted to his new reality, which he thought might have driven him straight to an insane asylum if he had learned about all of it at the beginning. Had he thought Konan's paper techniques were impossible? Well, this was… He shook his head. Laurie guessed that meant he wasn't done adjusting yet.
Kakuzu reached a decision point. He could keep thinking about being overwhelmed, or he could move past it. To hell with this. He opened his eyes and turned to face Laurie. "So," he began. "I wish to start a conversation."
Laurie brightened. "Okay! Um… When we were talking in a group about how everyone did during the fight, what did she talk about with you? I don't remember."
Kakuzu remembered. "She told me my problem was timing. I tried to capture the demon with my tentacles after the first ambush, but I was a couple seconds too late."
"How would you know when to head for her, when you aren't right there at the scene and you don't have instant communication and you need to be that precise?"
Kakuzu rubbed his chin. "That is a good question."
Neither of them had figured out a solution beyond Konan's vague "It'll get better with sparring" by the time Sasori came back, but they had fun brainstorming. Kakuzu remembered what Konan had said of Laurie's performance in the fight. I wouldn't mind if she came by more often, he decided. Even if she is an NPC, I wouldn't mind at all.
General
Kakuzu was the one to call a meeting that night. He informed Hidan and Deidara, then waited by the door. As everyone came back, he told them himself that there was another meeting in the backyard.
He enjoyed having the opportunity to tell Konan about a meeting, for once. She blinked, then sighed as if in acceptance. That was before she realized Laurie was standing in the lobby behind him. What kind of meeting is this? She was instantly on guard, with all senses alert for other changes. The situation was obviously unstable, and this time she was determined to find her footing.
"Hey!" Hidan greeted Laurie with a high five. She blushed, and he smirked before turning female so she would be more comfortable. Yahiko came back into the room at that moment. He had finished changing into his cloak and meant to ask Hidan more about why a meeting was being called, but instead he stopped in the doorway and stared. Hidan seemed so casual about changing! How could he be so casual? Yahiko turned away and started brainstorming ways he could get Hidan alone to ask.
As much as she was determined to stay alert to the situation and maintain control, Konan burned with questions as she headed for the backyard. As far as she could guess from what she knew of their chatting habits, the reason behind this meeting might very well lie in the group chat. But she and Nagato had only begun the process of getting her a "plan," which he said she needed in order to use messaging, and he had told her that even once she got one and joined the chat she would only be able to see messages that were sent after she joined. Nagato willingly gave up his phone so she could look through their entire message history. Konan's brow furrowed as she read. The most recent messages were trivial things and questions, but none sent by or to Kakuzu. What could he have planned?
She spied on Kakuzu while everyone else finished doing whatever they were doing. Interesting. He's talking with Hidan, which is to be expected, but also with Laurie and Sasori. Sasori does not look surprised. They must already know why he called a meeting. She handed Nagato his phone back and went out to the backyard to think about how she planned to handle the discussion. Nagato asked if she was alright. "I ought to be more deliberate in my actions," was the response he got.
Sasori glared at Kakuzu. "Thank you for putting me in the spotlight. Why, exactly, did you have to tell Deidara that way?"
"I didn't think he'd freak out like Kakuzu did," Laurie said. Kakuzu traced the letters NPC in the air with one finger.
"I may have goaded her by saying that no mentally normal person would take that news easily, and then refusing to accept Hidan as an example of a mentally normal person." Kakuzu could admit his faults.
Sasori continued to glare at him. "You should have known how well that would work."
"You promised an explanation anyway, so I saw no harm." Speaking of… Kakuzu indicated the direction of the backyard with his head.
Meanwhile, Itachi already sat in the backyard, hoping he was going to receive an explanation. Kisame hoped so too. "This had better be about that accident," he said in front of everyone else who was there.
"Accident?" asked Yahiko.
When Sasori finally came out, he was immediately met by Nagato. "Sorry about your boss," Nagato said.
"Don't be." Sasori shook his head. "I guess I'm kind of glad that they cut it short. He's not a nice guy."
Deidara pushed Nagato aside. "When the fuck were you going to tell me?!" he demanded.
"I heard how you took the news, that's why."
Deidara opened his mouth, then closed it. "Whatever, yeah." He muttered something angry-sounding under his breath.
"Sorry," Laurie apologized. "I didn't know it was a big deal. It makes sense now, because you guys have so much else you need to deal with, right? The first thing Kakuzu thought about was how dangerous they were. I'm sorry I didn't think of that." She hugged Deidara.
"Yeah, that's totally why we're not taking the news well," Sasori deadpanned. "I believe I have an explanation to give now. Excuse me."
Sasori sat down. He felt everyone's eyes on him as he did so. It felt like being touched. Eyes are the windows to the soul. Goosebumps rose all over his body, and he shivered. I so hope they're not as fragile as real windows.
How do I phrase it? One thing was clear: he could not tell everyone else what Laurie had told Deidara. That was clearly the wrong way to say it. So what is the right way?
He knew most of those around the fire would have a negative bias towards the news, so he angled it positively to counter. "I think I've made some new allies," he began.
Everybody looked visibly interested to hear this, even the pessimistic types like Kisame. Kakuzu nodded. "What kinds of new allies?" Yahiko asked hopefully.
Here's hoping they take it well enough. "The weird kind," Sasori answered.
Kisame narrowed his eyes and asked suspiciously, "What does that mean?"
"It means they are not human. They are bicycles."
Crickets chirped. There were a few more by now, and another kind of insect. Something rustled in the trees. Something far away sounded like a bird. The fire popped.
Itachi blinked. "That would explain why you asked me how they were."
Sasori braced himself for a flood of questions after this, but none came. Everyone who had not already heard glanced around the fire, speechless. Nobody could actually think of a question, except -
"Are they friendly to the rest of us?" Konan thanked her lucky stars that she had such clear priorities to fall back on when she was confused.
Sasori shrugged. "They don't care. Hidan was there, and he felt nothing. I couldn't believe it at first, but… They are mechanical. I am just going to have to get used to the idea that they don't feel."
"So if we leave you alone and you continue to fix them, we will not have anything to do with their goals and they will not care about anything we do?" asked Kakuzu. I had better be right about this.
"I think so," Sasori answered. "I hope we don't have any conflict with them. They're pleasant company."
"That's good!" said Yahiko. "So Nagato and I can be in charge of diplomacy with the vampires, and you can be in charge of Bicycle Relations. We won't have to fight anything!" He grinned.
"But you can count them as allies?" Itachi asked. "They will help you?"
Sasori nodded. "That's what they were doing. My boss was getting in my way and preventing me from going to my place of work, which happens to be the most convenient drop-off place for them. That's exactly what they did."
Hidan chuckled. "How fucking fast did they have to organize that? They must have, like, a hive mind or something. Or the bicycle equivalent of a group chat. Or they've been planning this for longer than this morning."
Kakuzu glared at Hidan. "A man is in the hospital because of them, and they didn't even care. They didn't have any motivation at all, but did it easily. How does that not intimidate you?"
Hidan rolled his eyes. "Oh fucking please! I'm used to that."
Kisame opened his mouth. Itachi elbowed him before he could say anything. "So that means you do not feel anything around them?" he asked Hidan. Kisame looked at him sideways, but stayed quiet.
Hidan grumbled. "The only times I've been around them are when they're broken. It feels like I know a part of my body is broken, but it doesn't hurt. My human brain knows that being broken should hurt, so I end up convinced that it's just about to hurt, and it sucks to move and not feel any pain where there should be fucking pain! I hate being around those things! Fucking mind tricks!"
Samehada did not know what bicycles were. Are bicycles like rocks? No pain? But Big Person is not a rock, and is in pain. That part he understood perfectly. Samehada made his way around the fire to nuzzle Hidan's arm and rumble reassuringly.
"So confusing," Hidan complained. Samehada chirped because he, too, was confused. He had not thought rocks could move or do anything. Hidan looked down at him. "Wait, you're confused?" Samehada nodded.
Hidan blinked slowly and scratched his head. He looked at Samehada very carefully. His face cleared after a couple seconds of this. "Oh! Yeah, duh. You don't know what bikes are, do ya?"
Samehada tilted to the side and rumbled Confusion. Hidan chuckled. "You know what a wheel is?" Samehada nodded. "And metal? And tubes?" Samehada nodded to both. Those funny shells the cords hid in were tubes. "Okay, so a bicycle is two wheels, one behind the other like this, and they have a buncha metal tubes linked up like this to hold the wheels together." Hidan traced lines in the air to sketch out a vaguely bicycle-ish frame. "People ride that shit to go places because it's faster than walking."
Oh, so a bicycle helped humans move faster. Samehada wondered why Big Person had explained all the rest. Hidan shrugged and said, "You didn't need to know all that, but maybe it'd be nice to recognize one when you see it." Samehada understood that! Yes, it would be very nice to be able to greet one of Red Human's new friends. He wiggled back and forth and made happy noises, which caused Hidan to laugh too and pick him up for cuddles. "Shark cuddles! Rar!"
Konan shuffled aside to make room for the two of them to roll back and forth on the grass. Meanwhile, Kisame stared. He's a shark. A full one, not partially human. He's never been to school or done human things. How would he know what bicycles are? It was obvious, and yet, Kisame hadn't given much thought, if any, to what Samehada didn't know. What else has he not learned about? He could immediately think of a lot of things that Samehada wouldn't realistically know about, but there were probably a lot more. Kisame felt cold. I really haven't thought about his viewpoint at all. He's so happy, just because Hidan explained something to him. I've been selfish again. I could really use those Wolf People's classes on how to work with animals.
"What would that be good for?" Nagato asked aloud. It was kind of rude to stare at Hidan and Samehada, so his words were appreciated. "Bicycles. All they're designed for is moving around. Besides that, what could they help you with?"
Laurie shrugged. Sasori looked up at the sky as if he had an idea. "Information," he said slowly. "My motorcycle's involved with them somehow, and doesn't move under my power - it moves under its own power, its engine. I didn't know where the scene of the accident was, but I got there anyway. It might have been luck, or it might have been my bike listening to me."
Itachi relaxed. He'd been tense and somewhat hunched all day; now his shoulders finally relaxed. "That is very useful."
Nagato sighed in relief. "Okay! We know exactly what they are and how to feel about them. They are allies, and possibly helpful ones. We should feel appreciative, and leave all of their business to you." He clapped his hands. "So is there anything else we should talk about?'
The fire crackled pleasantly. Yahiko held out his hands to it. Konan thought a lot, and Samehada finally allowed Hidan to sit up. Seeing that Big Person was no longer unhappy, he returned to Kisame's side.
The sight of the shark reminded Kakuzu of something. "Has anyone seen the demon kid recently?" he asked.
"Nuh-uh." Hidan shook his head. "Not since that awesome fight."
"Fight? Demon kid?" Laurie looked around. "I really need to be here more often. It sounds like you guys have so many fun adventures."
"I already said that was from a battle when you asked about the forest in the road," Kakuzu said.
"Yeah, but you didn't tell me anything about the battle."
"I get that, yeah," Deidara said. "There's, like, a lot to talk about there. I'm not sure you'd get it since you weren't there…"
"Try me."
Konan nodded. This was good. She could control this. As she had after the first battle with the succubus, she gave her most objective summary of the event. "Hidan and Deidara wished to test their battle abilities against each other before both training separately. Hidan acquired and attached a very long rope to his scythe so that he could throw it, and Deidara brought out his clay bird from the forest. They took opposing positions, then began. Deidara threw small exploding spiders, and Hidan threw his scythe. The scythe is much more dangerous than small spiders; when Hidan throws it on a rope, it doesn't follow a straight course and its uneven distribution of weight makes it hard to control in the air. It came close to severing body parts several times, twice on Deidara and his bird and once when Hidan tried to pull it back towards himself. Deidara's explosives were much more controlled and predictable by comparison. Hidan's inability to handle it cost him victory; the scythe ultimately embedded itself in a yard, and Deidara forced him away from it. However…"
Konan took a deep inhale for emphasis. Laurie was already hanging on every word, and leaned forward at this, her eyes widening. Konan decided she could be a little less objective. "Deidara made a very bad mistake. He did not need to, but he took Hidan's scythe. Surely you've seen how attached Hidan is to it?"
Laurie nodded rapidly. Hidan picked up his scythe by its head and held it close, cradling it to his chest. Konan continued. "The results were interesting in a general sense, but very bad for Deidara. Hidan, or his scythe - it is unclear which - revealed a new and unknown ability in response to his anger. The scythe, separated from Hidan and held in the owl's talons, attacked Deidara's bird on its own."
"Whoa," Laurie gasped.
"Yes." Konan hid a smile. "What's more, it used a chakra-based technique to do it. The blades sharpened themselves with chakra so that they were able to slice all the way through the bird, from the belly, through its body, out the back where Deidara sat."
Laurie glanced at Deidara in worry. "He was not hurt," Konan quickly added. "He jumped off the bird as soon as the scythe attacked. Hidan, meanwhile, ran to the scene like a man possessed. I mean that quite literally - he moved as if he did not have full control over his body, weaving back and forth worse than any drunkard I've ever seen. He tripped over one of Deidara's explosive spiders, earning himself burned feet. But through sheer determination, he made it to his scythe. He stood up much more gracefully...and then stopped. I believe he sensed Deidara in distress." She looked at Hidan, who nodded. Konan cleared her throat and tried to return to being objective. "The battle technically ended in a draw. Neither participant won, as they were both too distressed and injured to continue fighting."
Laurie glanced back and forth between Hidan and Deidara, still worried. Hidan suppressed a laugh at how adorable she looked. Like a little rabbit. He coughed, and tried to focus on how he couldn't press the blades right up to his heart because of his female form. His shoulders still shook, giving it away.
"It's okay, really, yeah," Deidara said. He held his smiling hands out to her. "It was actually really good to see everyone come rushing in, but nobody panicking. It was totally not like anything I've ever seen, yeah. Nobody panicked, and everyone was doing things like it'd been planned. No confusion, no chaos. Just people doing the right things at the right time, and in the right order, and… Seriously, yeah, I wish someone got that on video!" He slumped forward and sighed. "It was really incredible, yeah! You had to see it… It's not believable until you do, yeah."
Sasori nudged her arm. "I wasn't looking, but it really was. It couldn't have been more than ten minutes before Deidara was calmed down and Hidan's legs were healed enough for him to move. The sight of it's been really good for him." Deidara nodded firmly in agreement.
The fire glowed like starlight in Laurie's eyes as she tried to picture it. "It sounds wonderful… You're right, I can't really imagine it, but it does sound really incredible." Then she looked at Hidan. "But wait, his legs aren't burned, and there are all those trees. What else happened?"
"What Deidara described is the preliminary healing," Konan explained. "One of the spectators we had with us, the snakelike toddler, is a much more powerful healer than any human we know. He finished the healing, but his powers were so strong that they also caused buried seeds to grow, creating a whole forest in the middle of the road. Nobody was hurt by that."
"Woah." Laurie marveled at this fantastical story. "Amazing!"
"He is!" Yahiko agreed. "I have a lot to learn from him, if I can." He studied his hands.
"You're going to heal things too?"
Yahiko nodded. "The other kid, the demon, said that it was different though. That chakra works with animals and his powers with plants. That explains why I haven't been able to heal plants very much, and why he had to use so much power just to heal Hidan's ankles. He didn't have to use anywhere near that much to grow patches of grass."
"Huh…" She studied his hands too.
"Want to see?" Yahiko held his hands over the ground in front of himself. "I can see my chakra when I do this. It glows green!"
He demonstrated. "That's a pretty shade of green," Laurie commented. "It kind of flickers, like the fire does, except not quite like that. A little like water, except between that and fire?"
Yahiko held his hands up in front of his face and looked at his palms. "My chakra goes with water. Why would it look like fire?"
Konan shrugged. "I shall have to remember to remind Ruta to add that to the list." She turned to Hidan. "Remember that Ruta needs to add the appearance of chakra to his document."
"You met with him?" Kisame sounded almost hurt. "And didn't say anything?"
Konan waved him off. "He thought he wasn't done with any of the documents we generated from that session. There is more to do still. I did forget, yes, but I haven't exactly withheld usable information from you."
"Which one is Ruta?" Sasori asked. "Wait, if he was the one writing, he must have been the tiger guy. The one with the laptop."
Kisame looked doubly betrayed. Samehada whined. "Sorry," Sasori apologized. "I...don't have any excuse. I haven't thought about those two guys I met outside the base, and no, I don't know why. I should."
"Sakumo and Ruta," Konan explained before Kisame could look any more wounded. It is very disturbing to see that expression on his face. "They came, we discussed chakra and different types of jutsus, and you will get to read all about it when he decides the documents are ready for sharing." She turned to Hidan. "Amend your previous orders to visit him tomorrow and tell him this."
Hidan nodded. "Tiger kid is cool, by the way."
"Kid?" Kakuzu's eyebrows raised. "You do not have the right to call anyone except a literal child that."
Hidan bristled. Before they could get into an argument, Konan raised a hand. "He acts much younger than his actual age, like a young child," she explained. "Perhaps the same age or younger as the demon boy appears to be." I've never seen an eight year old that was still as tactile as that. "A lot younger."
Samehada chirred. What did "act young" mean? If they were small, they were small, and if they were large they were large. How could one human be large and small at the same time?
Itachi patted Samehada's snout. "Human people act different as they age. Broadly speaking, most people are more curious and excitable when young, and become calmer and quieter as they age. But we can choose how to act, and there are always exceptions to this rule." Samehada licked his hand in appreciation. Humans were strange! Samehada had never seen a Cousin act really differently. Young sharks were just like older ones, except more scared. Why were humans so different?
Kisame winced. I swear, I will anticipate his needs and answer his questions before someone else does one of these days. That's a promise.
He settled for following on the heels of Itachi's answer. "Like Yahiko or Hidan," Kisame said. "Ever notice that Kakuzu treats them both like kids? It's because they act really open, and get excited easily, and play more." He hoped that wouldn't cause anybody offense.
Yahiko had not known that he was thought of as a kid. He had no idea what to think about that. Hidan slung his arm around Yahiko's shoulders in solidarity, and this gave Yahiko an idea. Hey, that could work. I can get Hidan alone that way! Thanks Kisame! He would have liked to thank Kisame aloud for this idea, but settled for thanking him in his head.
"Wait, he didn't know that?" Deidara asked. "That's...a huge deal. It's like at the center of a lot of things people say about other people, hm. Like growing up too fast when you live through hard times. That idea's everywhere, and you're telling me he didn't understand it?"
Huh? Being afraid makes humans quiet? Samehada struggled to understand how hard times could make humans more quiet and calm like Thinking Human had said. What did being afraid have to do with being calm? Wasn't it the other direction? Huh?
"I'll talk to him," Kisame said before anyone else could say it. He's my friend, and I want to be the one to tell him about interesting things that I've failed to teach him about, dammit! "How are the vampires?"
"They've got a long and complicated history which, through convoluted ways that we don't understand yet, resulted in them being very biased against the kind of person Hidan is," Nagato explained. "Really. We only heard one side of the story, and that was their biased side. I don't want to say anything about it until we actually know what we're talking about." Yahiko nodded in agreement. Hidan shivered so slightly that only Yahiko could feel it.
"But they aren't going to hurt anyone, and they sounded interested in talking," Yahiko added. "It'll be really hard, and if we say the wrong thing they might stop being interested in talking really fast, but they aren't like the succubus. We'll get through to them somehow, I know it."
Itachi folded his fingers and rested his chin atop them. "I would be interested in planning what you want to say, if I may."
Nagato smiled warmly. "Of course!"
Hidan sighed, so quietly that only Yahiko could hear. Fuck, why'd Sunshine have to sit next to me instead of Moonlight? I need to get Moonlight alone somehow so I can tell him how amazing he is. Tears threatened. Fuck, he must have said something really touching last night. How fucking long is this going to be?!
Laurie raised a hand. "Hold on, vampires?" Nagato nodded. "Where?"
"West of town, in the abandoned houses."
She looked thoughtful. "That could explain some things. Are they really not dangerous?"
Nagato nodded. "Quite reasonable, aside from being so bigoted. Well, it's not quite bigotry, I guess. It has some basis in how Jashinists actually act. But they blow it all out of proportion, and the lady we talked to seems unwilling to believe that Hidan's not violent or any of the other things she's afraid he could be. But aside from putting too much stock in stereotypes: yeah, mostly reasonable."
Laurie looked at Hidan. "First demons, now vampires, and they both hate you for your religion? What is your religion about? I actually don't think we talked about it."
Hidan twitched and withdrew his arm from Yahiko. "No! Not my religion. Other Me's religion. Fuck that shit!" He visibly bristled and clutched his scythe closer. His eyes were harder than Kakuzu had ever seen them. The circle around the fire became very quiet, and very still. What's happening? Hidan has never been like this.
Konan put a hand on his shoulder. "That's correct. This version of Hidan is not a Jashinist, and dislikes almost everything to do with his original's religion. He doesn't have any memory related to it."
"Yeah," Hidan snarled. His eyes were still hard, but darted around. The way he clutched his scythe close to himself had seemed like anger, but perhaps it was fearful instead? He pulled in tighter, an action that could have been in preparation to leap or a means of withdrawal. Even Kakuzu was suddenly unsure how to interpret these actions. "Ugh," Hidan grimaced. "Whatever." He got up and left.
The group at the fire were all divided on whether to chase after him or let him go. Nagato and Yahiko looked startled and worried, and everyone else wondered just what was going on with him. Everyone else, except for Kakuzu. He remembered something. "You sent him away once by telling him we were going to talk about Jashinism," he said to Konan.
Konan nodded. "He does not have anything to do with that subject if he can avoid it, and even if he can't."
Nagato took a deep breath. "Okay...so we can't ask him about his original's religion when he's awake. Only when he's not. That's kind of weird, but I can get used to it."
"Awake?" asked Itachi.
"What are you talking about?" asked Sasori.
"Oh, is that what we're calling the weird way he was last night, yeah?" Deidara asked. "But he talked to us. How could he have been…?"
Nagato shrugged. "Sleepwalking is the only thing that comes close, so I think of it as sleepwalking. You're welcome to find a different name for how he acts when he doesn't remember things."
Konan nodded once. "I support calling it sleepwalking."
Nagato explained to everyone else, "That's not exactly what it's like, but kind of." He shivered. Understatement of the century!
Deidara frowned. "I don't know, it wasn't really like he was asleep…" But he said no more.
"Ahem." Konan cleared her throat again. "To return to your question," she said to Laurie, "Jashinism is a very unusual religion, or spiritual practice according to what he said after the battle. One of the things we learned from the vampires, which appears to be true, is that Jashin sama was originally worshipped mainly by vampires. He is not a god for humans, though a very small amount of humans might just qualify."
"Holy shit," Laurie breathed. "So they're angry that he stole their god?"
"No," Konan replied. "They're angry about what they perceive to be inconsistency in Jashin sama's actions. He does not belong to vampires, either, but they thought he did and became angry when Jashin sama appeared to be abandoning his original followers. That wasn't really what happened, but they see it as such. Imagine if you had a husband, and said husband got involved with another woman. That's effectively the situation as they see it. Is it impossible to imagine becoming angry at the other woman, even though she hypothetically did nothing wrong?"
"They're angry that he stole their god." Laurie grinned. Now this was a juicy story that she could understand!
"Sure." Konan shrugged. "But please try to keep in mind the little details."
"Oh gods," Nagato whispered. What does worshipping Jashin sama mean? She described it as feeding him blood, like he was a vampire himself. Nagato's mouth dried. "What, exactly, does worshipping him mean?" He turned his gaze directly on Konan. I need to know about that, right now. No delays. Was Original Hidan a murderer?!
Konan prayed for whatever discord this caused to be over with as soon as possible. "Yes, Original Hidan killed people. Excessive amounts of people. He would seek out battle just to sacrifice more blood to Jashin sama. From the perspective of anyone who could not fight him off, he was a terrifying monster."
Yahiko's jaw dropped open. Before anyone could say anything, Konan continued. "What you heard from the vampire leader was true. He lacked our Hidan's ability to feel what others feel, and as a consequence lacked nearly all empathy for normal human beings. He viewed himself as a predator, something apart from and different from regular people, and never bothered to have a relationship with anyone who he couldn't see as a fellow predator. He, and his clone, are very different from others, and he had nothing with which to bridge the gap. He saw most people as prey and never believed killing others was wrong."
She raised her hands. "As for his actual religion, his was a very extreme form of practice. Worship involved sacrificing blood to Jashin sama. What amount of blood was required, I do not know; he certainly exceeded the minimum. From the instructions I received, animal blood is acceptable, but Original Hidan already enjoyed battling other people so he did not bother. In return for sacrificing animal or human blood, Jashinists gain unique powers. Hidan was immortal, but I am not sure whether immortality is one of the powers he gained from worship. The sacrifice ritual he used requires one to be immortal, so it might have been given before he sacrificed anything."
Konan's brows furrowed, and her voice dropped as if she was talking to herself. "Hmm. What powers did he gain from sacrificing? Immortality is a prerequisite for the ritual, so… No, actually. It's a prerequisite for the way he used the ritual. There are other ways of using the ritual that don't involve stabbing oneself fatally. So he could have earned it from sacrifice. He heals quickly from these fatal wounds, but he might have healed quickly before. The scythe and its powers may be something he earned, but again, he uses it in the sacrifice ritual. He could have earned it, or been given it before. Does he actually gain any powers from sacrifices? I always thought he did, and he seemed to think he had to sacrifice in order to keep them, but I don't actually know."
She continued thinking, in her own head instead of aloud. Nagato cleared his throat. "Um," he ventured, "when we talked to the vampire lady, she said they gained powers from sacrificing blood, and the more blood the more powers. That's the entire basis for their fear of Jashinists."
"Hidan gained power from being devoted to Jashin sama," Konan murmured, "and sacrificed as much as he could because of his devotion too. And then, the devotion itself seems to be because he was particularly suited to Jashin sama in the first place and belonged more fully to his god than anyone I've ever seen. Which comes first? Devotion? Belonging? Sacrifice? I don't actually know how they are related." I can't believe I've never questioned his religion before. I did not think of it very much before I died. But now, in this world, Jashin sama has taken on more importance than he had previously, so I must think of his religion more. Yes. That is definitely the reason why I've been thinking of Hidan's religion so much since I awoke.
Nagato paled. He turned vaguely in Yahiko's direction and said, sounding as if he'd been shot up with horse tranquilizer, "So every thing we heard could be completely borked from the ground up." He stared off into space after saying that, his ringed eyes wide and unfocused.
Konan continued thinking silently. The others around the fire decided they should get with the program and do likewise. Samehada whined. The vampire people think wrong? He hadn't considered the possibility of thinking wrong before. They think wrong, and humans think more. More and more wrongness. Samehada whimpered. So the way humans could think so much and so quickly wasn't a thing to admire, after all. It could be scary.
Kisame patted his snout reassuringly. Their beliefs sound like they make sense, but are completely wrong. The vampires can't really trust what they know or think. What is it like, to not be able to trust even yourself? Kisame had always thought a connection and relationship with himself was foundational, and perhaps the only thing he needed. The idea of such doubt horrified him. He petted Samehada's snout as much for his own comfort as for the shark's.
Itachi closed his eyes. How to sort through what is true and what is not? How to find what will work, and what will not? We wish to know the truth, and effective diplomacy means knowing and using the ways of speaking that will work. We need to find what is both true and effective. It could be a very long time before we can speak with the vampires again…
Deidara recognized the same thing Kisame did, and felt a surge of sympathy. The sympathy brought hopelessness. If I thought I had something so clear and obvious to believe in, I'd cling to it, yeah. How could anyone possibly change their minds? His optimism and faith in Yahiko's words sunk.
Sasori was relieved. And here I thought bicycles were the strangest things around, and the fact that they don't feel would be hard to deal with. Ha, no. Their not feeling actually makes everything incredibly easy. I can totally handle them. He pitied Nagato and Yahiko for having the harder of the two assignments.
Kakuzu, meanwhile, did not think of the vampires. That's very odd. How did she describe Original Hidan before? She said he was maybe 13, next to our Hidan's 8. Angry, kept everything at a distance, pretended he was fine all the time. Sounds exactly like the Hidan I know. But what she said just now doesn't resemble the Hidan I know at all. It sounds like she was talking about a complete stranger. Who the hell are we talking about?
Yahiko did not recognize his own good fortune. He clung to his sense of how things felt, and did not recognize that he was lucky to have such a sense. The vampires could be mistaken! They won't be happy to hear that. Should we tell them anyway? He tried to imagine the scene that would result. That feels very wrong. Okay, so we shouldn't tell them, not that way. What way? He sensed clearly that they needed Itachi's help, desperately. Thinking. Thinking sounds right. We should do a lot of that. We can't talk to the vampires right now. We're not ready at all.
Laurie didn't feel like grinning now. She had never had any clue what she or anyone else could do for any kind of social cause. In theory, she supported the equal rights of all people, but how could she show it? She had never had any idea. What good am I if I can't do anything? Being around others who were tackling what she never had been able to made her feel small and useless. With the succubus, all she had been able to do was pull Itachi out of the way and talk to the demon. What could she do now? Emotional support? Cheerleading? That's not what anyone needs. I don't belong here.
Kakuzu concluded that he really did not know Hidan, any version of him, at all. Yahiko bit his lip and desperately hoped that Itachi could help, because they were going to need a lot of help. And Deidara and Kisame were just beginning to settle themselves with reassuring thoughts and hefty doses of denial and distraction, when they heard a quiet sound.
It was the sound of the back door opening. Hidan peeked out, heard no conversation, and judged the backyard to be safe. "Shit, the fire's low," he said. "Can hardly see anyone." He put the scythe on the grass and sat down in his previous place beside Konan. Oh, crap. This feels bad. Really bad. He took Konan's hand for moral support and looked around. "What happened?"
Konan squeezed his hand. "I realized we are missing critical information about your original's religion, which is so important to our safety. Without that information we are in a vulnerable position. This isn't good."
Hidan nodded. He felt suddenly overwhelmed, sensing that there was something he could not handle and was not ready for at all. The vulnerability was real. He looked back at his scythe and summoned his courage, although it made him shake as if he was being electrocuted to do so. "Uh, guh, um… I can't talk much, but, zuh, yeah, um… Y'said something something my abilities, so if you want to take a look at my abilities 'n try to figure shit out… Sure." His face and arms twitched badly enough that he wondered if he was going to have a seizure.
This brought Nagato out of his daze. His eyes focused once more, and he looked at Hidan. "Thank you." Seeing the state Hidan was in, he took Hidan's hand and tried to bring up reassuring feelings.
Hidan looked back at him. Moonlight… You're great. How did I not see it this clearly before? What did you say last night? The sense of overwhelm disappeared now that Nagato was here again.