Hidan
"Never thought I'd qualify as a hurricane."
The patch of forest they stood in, indeed, appeared to have been devastated by some kind of nasty storm. Hidan looked in all directions, eyes scanning the destruction. As far as he could see, the only solid evidence that this forest had not been hit by a storm was the fact that all of the severed and nearly-severed branches were cut in straight, even lines. That could be easily overlooked, though. The reek of sap, the splinters embedded everywhere, and the soft crackle of branches about to break and tumble to the ground could easily leave one blind to such little details.
Konan pulled him to one side as the soft crackle graduated to ominous cracking, then to the whooshing sound of free fall. "I should have known better than to fully trust Kakuzu's reports," she mused. "Kakuzu's original complained of the low lethality of your original's attacks many times, and I rarely saw your original fight for myself. I overestimated the truth of his claims, it seems."
The fallen branch finished settling to the ground. Hidan went over and attempted to push it aside enough to free the rope of his scythe, which was trapped beneath it. "Eh, that's different. Just 'cause I can ruin all kinds of property and plants, that doesn't mean I could hurt a person. People can dodge."
"True," Konan acknowledged. "Perhaps I am overestimating it now." She sighed. Hidan could feel a warm ball of respectful awe in his gut. "That doesn't change the validity of the lesson. I still most likely underestimated your original based on Kakuzu's reports. His original was very destructive; entire forests and buildings were often consumed by his fire and wind jutsu. He may have been biased."
Hidan snorted. "Ya think?" He pulled the rope out from underneath the far end of the branch, muttering curses as he did so, and retrieved his scythe. "This was nice, but that was only the first one to come down after a delay. Let's get out from under the death traps."
Konan nodded and they turned to leave. Something splintered behind them. "Was my answer sufficient?"
"Yeah." Hidan stroked the top blade of his scythe, looking back at it as he did so. "Kind of. I still don't get how *creeeaaaak* he could've been trying to aim for something small and mov *crash* ing, and yet *whump* not bothered to learn how to control it better. A. moving, and B. he was trying to be not lethal, right? Don't you need more control to manage that?"
Konan committed this spot to memory. It was just as well for Hidan to have destroyed so much wood now, when it would have time to dry before they needed it. She had little idea of how much firewood was used over the winter in this area, but it couldn't hurt to have some. "I'm sure he kept it firmly in his hand when fighting civilians and basic criminals. Remember, even for non-immortal shinobi, losing an arm still falls within the shinobi definition of non-lethal."
Hidan was silent. Sounds like my kind of people. Durable enough to take a play fight, fierce, like to draw blood… Kakuzu would let me pounce and play with him, even when he had fake memories. I need to thank him.
Konan looked sideways at him. "It's a gift," she whispered.
"What is?"
"Your strange sense." She gestured to his heart. "Your original was never inclined to human interaction, nor was he very good at it. Your social skills are much better. You have also been forced to get along without hurting others your whole life because of having to feel their pain. I'm sure it's been very valuable in helping you adapt to this world."
Hidan's ear twitched. "Yeah. You want to know something?"
"What is it?"
He scratched his head. "Promise you won't say anything."
"I promise."
Here goes everything. "Um.. So… It's not how it looks. Me. I'm not. I'm not a cat."
There were several seconds of hesitation. Then, Konan said, "That's all?"
Hidan blinked. "Huh? What the fuck does that mean?" It feels like she understood that was important, but then why the fuck would she ask? What does she mean?
Konan realized how her words could be taken. "My apologies. I didn't mean to trivialize you. I was expecting your words to be more impactful than they were, and they were not very impactful because they weren't a surprise."
He looked at her. "They're not? How?"
"I've wondered what I am before as well. Living in a shinobi world, surrounded by brutality, the answer was simple: I am a special kind of human, a shinobi. But what are you, in a world where shinobi don't exist? A hunter. Rather violent. Appreciates blood and chasing. It makes sense that the closest example you could find would be an animal predator. I wondered about that too before I discovered what being a shinobi meant."
Hidan stared. She...like me… "But… Wow… But…" He shook his head. Focus! "Thanks!"
Konan nodded. "Of course."
"But what about everyone else?" Hidan looked away from her and frowned. That can't be what being a ninja means. She said Moonlight's a ninja, and he doesn't hunt. She said Sunshine's a ninja, and he's the total opposite. "How the fuck can those two be ninjas - or anyone else - if that's a ninja? What the fuck?"
Konan hesitated. "Well, there could be different kinds of shinobi. Protectors and attackers, perhaps."
Hidan's frown disappeared. "That makes sense. Yeah, protecting's what they do. So attacking's what we do?"
She nodded. "It makes sense."
"You came up with that out of your ass just now, didn't you?"
"My idea of what shinobi are has been recently upset and I am still trying to find the answer myself. But yes, that answer did appear out of nowhere."
Hidan elbowed her. "Good fuckin' answer."
"Thank you."
He opened his mouth to say something more, and just then his phone rang. We're in the middle of a conversation here! Important shit! This had better be a big fuckin' deal. Of course, given the past week… The odds that it wasn't a big enough deal to be worth the interruption were nearly minuscule. He grumbled halfheartedly and accepted the call. "Yeah?"
A deep growl came from the other end of the line. Shit. Definitely a big deal of some kind. Hidan shared his end of the call with Konan. She sighed and whispered something about it being time for something new to crop up.
"You," Kakuzu growled, "aren't done causing trouble for us yet. I am not happy."
Hidan and Konan looked at each other. Another demon? Same kind or different from last time? "Whaddaya mean, Kakuzu?"
"Would you care to explain why vampires are angry with you now?" Kakuzu asked. "Because I don't care if you do. Explain."
Hidan looked around, but saw no human figures. "Vampires are mad with me now?"
Silence. Konan leaned in and said, "That was a genuine question."
Kakuzu sighed. "Of course it was." Hidan gritted his teeth. Why has he been like that lately? Disappointed and irritated in me, just for asking a question? Hidan didn't recognize the tone from any past experience of his. Nonetheless he hated it. What the fuck did I do? He hated it. If he continued thinking about it, his eyes would start to tear up from sadness and other, nameless things. Hidan turned away from that voice. Fucker!
"I found an article about some 'lobbyists' on the computer," Kakuzu told them. "Said 'lobbyists' got land development to the west shut down partway through, and they've arranged some other land deals which would be suspiciously beneficial to a nest of monsters needing somewhere secretive to hide."
Konan tilted her head. "There was already a lot of development in the area where I woke up. A store, with faded signs outside."
"Exactly. Why let that much get set up, but push through a bunch of regulations killing the chances of anyone actually living there? If you already know there are vampires, the whole story reeks of them."
Hidan ended his silent meditations. "So what about me?"
"I looked into what else this group of lobbyists has pushed for, and I found something interesting," Kakuzu told him. "Aside from property deals, they're trying to control hunting now, and other kinds of human disturbance to the forest. They're looking to get it protected somehow, so nobody can enter and leave all willy-nilly. They aren't making any headway because they have no good reason why this should happen, so why are they even trying? What can be so important that they want to close off access to the forest?
"That's when I remembered the demon girl, and how you're the only person I know who really depends on the woods. You hide there, you live there. Everything I can think of points to you." Kakuzu's next words were spoken in an ominous growl. "What reason could there be for that?"
Hidan saw the pieces link together, but the picture they made didn't make any sense. "I...don't know."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Kakuzu's voice was quieter, as if he'd expected to be disappointed. "There has to be something. I'd rather not find out what when my neck- "
"Kakuzu." Konan pronounced his name crisply. "That's enough." She took the phone from Hidan's hand, running her hand down his forearm as she did so. "Remember what I told you."
It took a while for anyone to remember what she was talking about. After a couple of minutes during which Hidan calmed down, Kakuzu remembered that he had previously spoken with her about Hidan. "As I recall, you told me not to spread gossip to anyone else," he said.
"That is what I said." Konan's voice remained cold even as she acknowledged this. "I told you not to spread your conflict with Hidan to others. I also told you that I would like to consider you an ally in our shared quest to understand more about him. Apologize."
She took Hidan's hand and held it. He held it back. She did that? She really asked him not to make anyone else talk to me like that? Tears of a different nature welled up in his eyes. He gripped Konan's hand harder. She responded in kind.
Kakuzu grumbled, but not hostilely, more as if he was dreading something. "I'm not good with apologies," he began. "Especially when I don't really feel them. I don't want anyone else to pull me around and get me into trouble I never asked for."
"Who did ask?" Konan countered. "Is Hidan really to blame, Kakuzu?"
"Who else?" Kakuzu snapped. "I wouldn't be in this group of lunatics if not for him."
Something's wrong. Hidan felt like a shaken bottle of soda. One more second, and he was suddenly nauseous. Something's really wrong. He felt strangely disconnected, as if he was on a movie set. He should've known this would happen. It was in the script. Who am I? It didn't really matter what he did; this was his part. Of course he couldn't belong with other people. Did he have a choice? What did I do? Or...was it me who did stuff? Who? He shivered. Why does Kakuzu hate me? It was inevitable that he would. Everyone would. Wait...that didn't make any sense. Why would it be… Hidan forgot what he had been thinking about. All he knew was that he should be angry. I didn't do anything. But not even his thoughts could muster the righteous indignation he knew he should feel.
"Kakuzu!" Konan sounded pissed off.
"I have never once had any idea why I bothered, except for some weird obligation to him. When the hell did I ask to be obligated? It's not like I adopted him after finding him on the side of the road."
How did I end up on the side of a road? Hidan didn't know. Why did I end up on the side of a road? Now that, he did know. Somewhere. He could feel the truth lurking somewhere within his knowing like a deadly shark. I hate those words! He clutched at Konan's hand; he was close to breaking bones in it. Help me!
"Kakuzu, stop this." Konan's voice was suddenly dialed all the way back, almost conciliatory, as if she sensed the danger too. "Stop. There is no need to be hurtful."
"I'm just stating the truth," Kakuzu declared.
"No, you are stating what you perceive to be true, and that is not the same thing." Hidan's throat was dry. He hoped Konan could save him from having to be looked at that way, talked about that way. If she couldn't…
"It isn't?" Kakuzu put on his most skeptical tone. "So I didn't declare myself unwilling to be here? I haven't had more than a fair share of complaints about the ridiculousness of what goes on here? I haven't been endangered by a demon? I must have hallucinated the entire past week, apparently."
What about me? Hidan still didn't want to believe he was hearing all this. He still wanted to believe the danger he didn't want to name could be averted, that Kakuzu would not reject him. Weren't they friends? Hadn't Kakuzu let him be who and what he was with less judgment than he would have gotten from anyone else? Hadn't Hidan been about to thank him just a few minutes ago?
Konan's heart raced. She knew she must protect Hidan. She must. "Do not conflate Hidan with everything else. He is not the demon. He is not me. He is not your own disbelief and inability to handle the existence of chakra."
Kakuzu growled at the last sentence. "I am not unable to -" He cut himself off. "No, but he is the one who made all of that into a problem for me."
"He is not worthy of blame. He did not lead you astray or attack you." Hidan's eyes teared up enough for salt water to drip over his cheeks. I wouldn't. I'm not bad. I'm just here. Why is he mad at me for being here? He was helpless to do anything. Kakuzu would think what he did, and Hidan couldn't do anything about it. But maybe Konan could.
"I'm not sure the distinction matters." Kakuzu's voice was calm. Hidan stifled a sob. In the state he was in, the stifled sob seemed as loud as a gunshot. Hidan did not hear the birds around them, nor the insects, nor the rustle of leaves in the breeze. He did not see the sunlight dancing over limp fallen leaves. He did not see the branch he stepped over.
He saw a road. The road was cool against his backside, because he had only just sat upon it. There were leaves too, right? Yes, there had been leaves.
These memories and this awful feeling could mean only one thing.
I ran away because of voices like that.
"I'm not sure this matters." Konan struggled to keep her breathing under control. She had to do something. Something! "You can say what you wish over the phone as a disembodied voice, and it doesn't matter. Come here and say the same things in person, with your eyes and your arms and your heart as well as your voice. Then I'll know if you're even telling the truth." That was the last card she could think of playing. Before anything worse could happen, she ended the call. It took several tries to hit the right button. Konan wondered why she was feeling dizzy, and realized it was because she was holding her breath.
She and Hidan took a break beneath some trees, getting their breaths back. Hidan kept wiping his eyes, unable to stop the flood of fearful tears. Konan curled around him to offer comfort.
"I don't want to," he whimpered through stifled sobs.
"I know. I will do everything I can." Konan had no idea what he didn't want to do, but it did not matter. She spoke automatically.
"I don't want to lose everything 'cause I was here."
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "You will not." It was true. He certainly would not lose her.
The idea that she was willing to stay with him even if they both lost everyone and everything else should have been concerning. Konan should have been worried at this uncharacteristic willingness to give up the dreams she had held onto since childhood. She should have been worried about herself, but she was not, because Hidan needed protecting. He wanted her to stay and help him, so she would. That was the only option. She would be there with him, heart, mind and soul.
Hidan stopped wiping at his eyes quite so much, and quieted down to sniffles. Yeah, I won't. She's right. I can do this. I can get a different part. There were others besides Kakuzu. Surely Yahiko and Nagato would never turn on him? That wasn't like them at all. Okay, I'm safe. I don't need help anymore.
Konan blinked. Her concern for Hidan faded. She wondered why it had been so strong. What he had said about losing everyone and everything was worrying, but one argument with Kakuzu couldn't cause that. She didn't even know what Hidan had meant by that, although at the time it had felt like she did. She frowned. It was difficult to remember what she had just been feeling and thinking, not because she had memory problems but because she couldn't understand any of it. It felt unpleasant to be unable to understand herself. Something strange must have happened.
Hidan's eyes finished returning to their usual pink, a change neither of them had noticed. "He didn't mean it, right? He's my friend. I need to thank him for shit."
Konan nodded. "Yes. He'll have to accept my offer if he wants that to change."
He rubbed his nose on his sleeve. "Okay." They stood up. "That fucking scared me!"
Konan nodded again. "I know. You said something like that was what you feared before."
Hidan shivered. "This is different, though. Bad. Worse. I… I think I might've run away from shit like that." He winced and rubbed his head. "I don't remember anything from before running away. Crap, what if I forget everyone I know now?"
Konan's eyes widened. "You will not do that. I won't allow it." The fear that she felt this time was entirely her own. She needed him to be with her in this venture. Without him, she could easily imagine the Akatsuki falling apart. Then she would be alone, and worse, she would have failed. How would she ever uphold her vow to lead the way to peace if she couldn't even maintain harmony among 10 peaceable coworker-friends? She also wanted to keep the ones she cared for from being mortally hurt, and if what he said came true she would have failed in that goal as well. Just like she'd failed to keep Yahiko safe before.
Hidan shook his head. "No, fuck that shit, fuck it, go away." He pushed those terrible thoughts aside. They never helped anyone. He didn't see the purpose of them. Instead of dwell on fear any longer, he looked around, noticing for the first time where they were. "What the fuck? When did we get here? How?"
"We walked."
"Oh." He reached for the pocket where he kept the sheet recording times when he had lost his memory, then stopped. "I don't think it's a memory thing. I remember Kakuzu talking, but I don't remember seeing anything during that. Maybe I was freaking out too much."
Konan tugged on his sleeve. "We'll get you somewhere comfortable, and you can talk about it there. Let's go."
Kakuzu
That was odd.
Kakuzu could not remember ever hearing Konan as upset as she had sounded, and Hidan hadn't jumped in to argue his case at all. That was unlike both of them.
Well, thanks to an argument he couldn't counter, it seemed he was going to have the opportunity to ask about it in person. Unfortunately. Kakuzu glared at nothing in particular as he stormed into his kitchen. His grievances were legitimate, and for sharing them he'd had even the new Stoic Konan leap down his throat. Kakuzu's hand curled. If this was the amount of respect he got, he wouldn't play this game any longer. It was no fun. All of the wonderful high of achieving a long-term project was completely gone, used up in arguing against people who did not give a crap how he felt and who only wanted to use him.
Too late, he remembered his fridge was gone. Oh, yes, I thought it was a good idea to give it to them. I was an idiot. He crossed his arms and tried to think of it as a lesson learned. Better he sacrifice a fridge to learn it than his life, which was starting to look like a very realistic price.
That's another entry on the list of things I have against him. After everything I've ever done for the ungrateful little pussy, he hands off our argument to his girlfriend? Really? I wanted to tell him I'm fed up with his dragging me into danger, and now I don't even know if he stuck around to hear it or just walked away whistling. Little bastard.
Kakuzu was in a bad mood, and he wanted someone to hear it. Unfortunately, the only people that came to mind had already joined her side. Some friends I have. Kakuzu swung his arm at something he had not yet knocked over, doing an excellent imitation of being angry and not at all disappointed. When it finished falling and silence resumed, he sat down with a thump in front of the same TV he had watched lion cubs play on years ago. Hidan had nuzzled his shoulder and swatted at his hand. And Kakuzu had not cared, had even enjoyed it, because letting young Hidan chew on his hand hadn't called down fucking demons on his head.
He left the TV alone and found some other room to sit in. Perhaps I was a little harsh. It was true that he continued to have a grudging respect for the little survivalist, even now. Hidan was right about a surprisingly high proportion of things. But that shouldn't have stopped Kakuzu from making his own decisions, and yet it had. It had stopped him from deciding not to remain in the vicinity of a woman he'd known to be trouble from the first moment he looked at her. Kakuzu hated to think he might be that susceptible to dependency on anyone. So what if he livens things up? I've had enough liveliness. I've been around him long enough to make my own anyway.
Kakuzu ignored the thought that he might be deceiving himself on both counts. He wasn't going to give up what little control he had over his life to someone he did not trust, he wasn't going to pretend he approved of everything those children did, and he wasn't going to be counted as one of them if being counted as one of them meant being eaten or wiped from existence. He wasn't going to be one of anything. He was going to be himself, Kakuzu, and everything would be simple. He was going to get what he paid for and nothing more. Nobody was going to be paying for things on his behalf. He would be judged solely for himself, solely for what he could control.
He would do all of those things even if it meant giving up the few people he did trust. Even if it meant being nowhere near when they inevitably ran into some kind of trouble. Kakuzu knew that one of the best ways to get pulled under and drowned was to reach in to save someone else who was drowning. Put it that way, I sound kind of selfish.
He closed his eyes and pulled inward, trying to be alone with his own thoughts and nothing more, but damn if that memory of playing with young Hidan didn't keep resurfacing. He was getting nowhere. Kakuzu never once considered the possibility of another person helping him with his thoughts. Instead, he stood up and headed out to get a drink.
Deidara
Deidara was sitting on Sasori's workbench, thinking, when Laurie broke into his thoughts. She sat next to him and asked, "You okay? I've never seen you so quiet."
The blond turned his hands palmside up and looked at them. The mouths on his palms both looked tense and worried. He made them relax. "Yeah. I'm actually doing better than I have in a while, yeah. I'm just thinking of this idea I had, yeah."
Laurie elbowed him. "Me too, for a while now. You can tell me what it is. Promise I won't laugh at you or tell." She crossed her fingers.
Deidara grinned and called Stitchy over. He put the spider in his lap and stroked his back as he began. "It all began with Stitchy…"
He described his adventure with Hidan the previous night, which now seemed an eternity ago. Towards the end, Deidara had to bite his tongue several times to keep from making digressions into his own past. I should not be a storyteller, hm. He finished with his and Hidan's unspoken promise, and decided not to immediately explain everything in a storm of details and anecdotes from his past. Instead, he asked, "So that's what happened. Any questions?"
Laurie raised her hand. "So, it sounds to me like you were just now thinking about how to help your friend? Is that right?"
Deidara blinked. "Um, no, actually." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I thought of something after that, when I was lying on the bird, yeah."
Laurie nodded. This was a natural continuation of the end of the story, so Deidara really had no idea why he hadn't just continued. "It was really vague then, but I've been thinking about it more and more directly ever since, yeah. I think, if I want to try and help someone, I should be serious about it, yeah?"
Laurie said, "You look serious to me."
He shook his head. "No I'm not. Hidan decided he was serious like, instantly. He went out with her to get a uniform the first time he could. Did I tell you this group she wants us to be in has a uniform?"
Laurie looked very confused. "Wait, you're already in a group. What do you mean, wants you to…?"
Deidara rubbed his chin. She's kind of right, but kind of not, at the same time. When everyone was learning their techniques and Sasori smiled and said he would stay, I thought it'd be easy and we'd get together like she said, hm. But it's not easy and we haven't yet. So what have we done?
"Well…" he tried to explain. "It's kind of, and kind of not. The thing is, it's not simple like that, hm."
Deidara heard the sound of a lightbulb flaring to life. "It's not just us, it's her too. The whole group thing is her idea, and she's the one who told us about the uniform and everything, yeah. So officially deciding to be part of this group and get a uniform and everything is the same as deciding to be loyal to her, which few of us are really comfortable with doing, yeah. The rest of us hang out together fine, but it's a lot harder to make it something serious, because that means tying ourselves to her. A lot of people get along with each other but not with her."
Laurie held something invisible in front of her, trying to sort out exactly what he was saying. "So, there are two groups. There's the one you all have without her, and there's the one you all have with her? And you want to be with her, but that's going to pull you out of the other group somehow?"
"Yeah, like a Venn diagram, hm." Deidara added a third hand to her two. "On this hand, there's the people who aren't comfortable with her. Here's the people that are, on the middle hand. And there's her. The people who aren't comfortable and the people who are are in one circle, with a pretty solid boundary that says she's not a part of that. And the group of her and the people who like her is in another circle, with a weak boundary that makes things kind of tense and weird when you're with someone who doesn't like her."
"Ohhhh," Laurie said, and dropped her hands. "I get it now. Kind of."
"I don't know which group Sasori's in," Deidara realized. "So, I don't know if things'll be tense and weird if I get a uniform, yeah."
Laurie opened her mouth, but had little to say, so she closed it. Then she thought of something and opened it again. "Ask him. He's pretty straightforward, so he'll tell you if he can. You're thinking of doing this to help her, right?"
"Yeah." Deidara brushed his ponytail to the side. "I feel like it's really important. I think I want to do this. I've never helped anyone before, but I want to try. I've never...done a lot of things. Important things. I've never really made a decision like this." He brushed his fingers through his ponytail. "I'm really nervous, hm."
Laurie grinned. "Oh come on! You have helped before."
"I didn't choose to, yeah."
"Don't think too much. You'll be fine." She hugged him. "I get that this is a huge commitment for you. You have to rethink your friendships and everything. It means a lot. But you will be fine." She pulled back and looked at him, faintly blushing. "You've got the cutest spiders in the world, and a bird that doesn't ask any questions if she needs somewhere calm to be, and your eyes are really open and earnest. She'll know that you want to help. You're brave, and she can trust you, and…" She shrugged and looked down, still grinning. "You'll do great. He won't be mad," she whispered.
Deidara tried to remember if anyone had ever said such things about him. He could not. He swallowed and looked down, still fiddling with his ponytail. "Well… It's not gonna be that easy, yeah."
"Why not?"
Deidara chuckled. "I have to find someone else with a uniform to get it made! It's a pretty custom design, hm."
Laurie punched him in the arm. "You sure about that? At least one person has gotten a uniform made already, right? If it's that custom I'm sure they would remember how to make it."
Deidara nodded. "I just really, really want to leap in, be a part of something, try to help," he said in a rush. "I've never done that before, and I want to be needed, I'm not really a kid anymore. Maybe it could help me feel better in general, maybe that's why some things don't feel right…"
Laurie shrugged. "I don't really know what you're talking about, but yes to everything you said."
Deidara looked around and wondered when Sasori was going to arrive to pick up his stuff. "Yeah, I don't know exactly what I'm saying, either. I just want to be a part of something, like Hidan wanted to be. He does really well there, yeah."
Laurie nodded in acceptance again, and he remembered what Hidan had insinuated. She's really helpful, hm. And pretty. Yeah…
A pleasant silence descended, to be broken a few minutes later by the muffled sound of footsteps.
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