Konan
I should have gotten a replacement uniform at the tailor's when I was there with Hidan.
Washing blood out of clothes is hard. It is doubly hard when there is a lot of it, and triply hard when one lacks the appropriate supplies. Konan never cursed aloud, but some of her thoughts were less than family friendly as she tried putting together replacement soap by the side of the river. What the hell do people use in this world?!
If she'd been back home and preparing to go out on a mission, she would have had the appropriate supplies. Konan cursed herself as well as everything else for not having thought to pack blood-cleaning supplies on her person before she died. She'd been in her own home village and, if she went to a little extra effort to be honest, hadn't really expected to survive. She would have done several things differently if she had known dying wasn't the end.
Meanwhile, something more worrisome buzzed around the edges of her mind, always annoying, never leaving. If she did by some miracle manage to wash this thing, the entirety of it was going to be wet, and that would mean she'd have nothing to wear. That was the other reason why all Akatsuki members carried a very small sealing scroll with a spare uniform in it. Spilling enough blood to cover most of the uniform was supposed to be rare, but so was destroying the uniform. Konan was fairly sure she, Nagato, and Yahiko were the only people to ever wear the uniform who hadn't gotten it destroyed at least once. The bottom line was, that was another thing she wasn't carrying right now, so what was she going to wear?
The cloak was like a second skin to her. It was the symbol of everything she was and where she belonged. It was her armor. It was her comfort, a constant reminder of home. It was also very comfortable. Being looked at without it felt like being looked at while drunk in a gutter somewhere. Her spine tingled to consider the very idea. She shivered. What was she going to do?
My options are: wear a wet uniform, wear a bloodstained uniform, or don't wear a uniform. The third was what she was trying to avoid, the first would be extremely unprofessional and uncomfortable, and the second would just be bad. Do I have any other options? Konan considered other, more radical ideas. Race to the tailor's right now? Odds are against that. Besides, I have to be here to explain what's happened; Hidan certainly can't show them the symbol. Borrow someone else's cloak? That's a good idea. I'll be sure to ask Hidan as soon as I return. Just in case that didn't work, she considered other ideas. She didn't know any fire or wind style jutsu, so it would be difficult to try to dry her cloak really quickly. Hiding like a scared rabbit wasn't an option. Wait! Hadn't the demon boy made a deer? There was no reason he couldn't make a cloak. That idea merited a good thirty seconds of consideration while she sat there. Then Konan returned to trying to figure out how to get the blood out of her uniform.
Fifteen minutes later, Konan formed a giant needle out of paper and used it to pin her cloak to the center of the newly-installed symbol in the basement. She then closed her eyes and meditated until something shifted, either in the air or inside herself. When she opened her eyes, there was no blood. Konan repeated this procedure using the deer carcasses and paper spears before leaving the basement. When she passed Hidan as he was in the middle of pacing up and down the hall, her first words were, "Don't say anything."
"Wouldn't dare," he replied. His mouth kept moving afterwards, whispering things to himself. He seemed to be deeply lost in thought.
"What are you thinking about?" Maybe she could help.
"Can't say. Gotta figure it out myself." He stopped walking and stared at the wall. "You think I should do this really quickly to get it over with faster, or wait so everyone has a chance to relax?"
Konan blinked. "Do what?" Her heart thumped in her chest. Maybe it knew something she didn't.
Hidan gestured, swinging his arm in circles in the air. "Y'know, that thing you asked about a couple days ago. That 'having your life and future in my hands' thing. Fixing shit. I thought of something, but then Laurie was staying, but now she isn't, so tonight's the night."
Konan's throat dried. She remembered asking him a couple days ago, the day the succubus had arrived, to fix her situation. The situation in question had been the rifts between her and everyone else, which had seemed likely to drive at least a few of them out of the Akatsuki. She remembered Nagato. Whether or not she wanted to be honest, she was simply unable to avoid admitting that nothing had improved since then. She still needed some help, and who better than Hidan to provide it?
But one question remained: what could he possibly have planned to fix everything?
Her palms were moist. Konan was abundantly aware that, on some level, she had some very strong hypotheses about what he had planned, and none of them were pleasant. If adrenaline rushes had meters, this one was rising fast. She swallowed and told him, "Get it over with."
Hidan looked disappointed. "That's exactly what I was trying to avoid," he whined. "Well yeah, now I'm gonna have to. I didn't want anyone to freak out. Fuck!"
Konan shook herself. "It's all right. I'll be out front attempting to keep everyone else calm." And hopefully, focusing on their fears will help me avoid my own.
Hidan looked confused. "Huh? Everyone else? Why would they need to be calm?"
Konan held up a hand. "You don't want to know too much about it. Let me just say, there is a reason why Nagato was feeling bad earlier. You and I may not feel it, but everyone else probably will. Leave it to me to help them."
Hidan sighed. "Mkay. I'll go see how he's doing and keep thinking and shit." As he turned and walked away, Konan couldn't resist following the slope of his shoulders. They looked burdened. She wanted to reach out, but had to acknowledge that her own were just as bad if not worse. She resolved to do what she could, and only what she could. If that wasn't enough… Leave the rest to fate.
.
As expected, happiness was in short supply after she finished warning people about the change they could already feel in the air. Itachi's eyes looked murky and even more inscrutable than they usually did. Deidara got over it much quicker than expected, saying something about wanting to talk to Hidan. Kakuzu also wanted to talk to Hidan, but found plenty of time to start an interrogation first.
"Why would you do that?" he growled.
It was a good question, one that Konan didn't quite know how to answer. "My exact motives are unclear, even to me," she began. "What is clear is that I have a different reaction to the results than you do; I seem to enjoy it. Besides that, it was written in the instruction booklet the demon boy left me. And I didn't have any other plans for the day."
"It's alright," Yahiko joined in with his usual dose of optimism. "We could probably use a god on our side. He is on our side, right?"
Kisame facepalmed. Konan answered that question with, "As much as he can be, yes. Though you should be aware, he isn't very capable of being on any side. The symbol functions as a giant drain, with little influence beyond that, according to the instructions."
"See? We'll be fine," said Yahiko to Sasori, who had yet to have any reaction. The puppetmaster looked not surprised, not displeased, and not happy. In fact, he didn't look like much of anything. He exhaled slowly through his nose, still saying nothing. Konan's heart leaped as this reaction reminded her of Hidan's mysterious plans. She tried not to show anything.
"Hidan has some ideas for tonight," she warned them. Is it really a warning if you use a euphemism? "No, I do not know what they are. He thinks it'll provide a good start to the weekend."
Kakuzu grumbled. That much, he could find no fault with her for. Over Hidan, they agreed on things. He pushed inside, resisting the subtle wrongness in the air. That was a relief for Konan. Now if only Kisame and Sasori are as easy to handle…
Sasori finally spoke up. "I, for one, am tired of all these plans," he declared. "Plan this, plan that. I'm starting to feel more like a puppet than a person."
Konan snorted. It was soft, but everyone noticed. Faced with many pairs of eyes, she was forced to explain. "Your original turned himself into a puppet," she told Sasori.
Sasori's mouth fell open. Deidara started to laugh. "How?" he squeezed out between giggles. "How the hell do you do that, huh?!" He bent over laughing, like it was an excellent joke. Konan agreed it was funny.
"I'm not sure." She tried not to smile, but her face was slipping. "He made an entire puppet body for himself: everything except the heart."
Deidara stopped laughing. "Wait, so he still…?" The blond connected the dots and shivered. "Aaaaand now it's gross and creepy, hm. I don't want to know how he did that, yeah."
Kisame audibly reacted with disgust as well. "Whatever Hidan has to say, it's definitely better than that. I'll get Same from the lake and find out what he wants." The shark man left.
Sasori recovered. "My point, accidental irony aside, was that I feel like I'm effectively working two jobs." He gave Konan a hard look. "We're not employees, and we don't have to be herded around like sheep. We're especially not your employees." His eyes dared Konan to dispute this.
What are you, then? Konan didn't see how they could be anything else. But this was really not the time to point that out. "Feel free to take that up with Hidan," she offered. "This version of him is evidently a people person."
Sasori continued to look at her in that way, as if he was judging everything she'd ever done. He'll be here all year if he tries, Konan thought bitterly. Even if he keeps it down to everything I've done since I arrived in this world, he might be here for a couple weeks, at least.
Itachi looked to Yahiko, who provided a smile in return. That seemed to be enough for Itachi to gather his courage. Everyone but Yahiko went to investigate the basement. He stayed there, scratching just beyond the borders of the bandages on his cheek and seemingly trying to figure out what to say.
If there was one thing that Konan didn't need after her silent interrogation and judgment, it was to be alone with Yahiko. "What is it?" she asked. Hopefully whatever he wanted would be short and simple.
Yahiko fiddled with his hair. "Well…" He looked nervous, as far as Konan could tell from seeing him out of the corner of her eyes. She reminded herself that there was a wider world beyond her troubles, and he was part of it, and she could be patient.
"How are you doing?" he finally asked.
Is that what you really wanted to ask me? What is wrong with you?
"I'm doing perfectly well," she answered.
Yahiko raised his shoulders like he was preparing to shrug. "No." He lowered his hand to his side and looked almost directly at her. "You're not."
And what do you propose to do about that? Konan turned back. "Actually, I asked Hidan to come up with a solution." Her voice made it clear enough that he did not get to know what the solution was for. "He has. That is what he intends to do tonight." She waved for Yahiko to follow her inside. "Nagato may need seeing to. Go to him."
Yahiko had some idea what the solution was for, regardless of how much she did or didn't tell him. He wasn't blind. There was this whole air of brokenness around her and in everything she did. He'd spent all day after his talk with Nagato thinking. He really should do something. He'd been living with this vague sense of something being not right, and most of it had to do with Konan. He had a new conviction that he should do something.
But if Hidan was already doing something… That was alright. He could wait. Yahiko did as he was told. The part of him that wanted to do something felt like crying. He told himself things were being done, and don't cry, everything's really going to be alright. The strange feeling in the air reminded him of hurting, and other things that were in excessive abundance already. Why would she put even more of that into this place? At least, he consoled himself, at least it's only hurting and not something worse. He had no doubt that, if some other symbol had been drawn, the spirit of falling apart and loss could be in the basement instead.
The shape Nagato was in did not provide any reasons to enjoy the world. Yahiko found his best-ever friend sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, rubbing circles around his eyes. Naturally, he went to sit down across from Nagato. Gently, Yahiko took a gentle hold of Nagato's wrists, and drew them back from his face. Nagato looked up into his eyes. Yahiko saw something warm surge into Nagato's eyes, and his wildest expectations were surpassed when Nagato smiled. Smiled! He had been wondering what he would do, but thank the gods, with Nagato it was easy. Practically all he had to do was exist. Nagato hesitated, then took Yahiko's hands in his own before Yahiko could refuse.
"Thank you," they both said at the same time.
There was a little pause there, while they processed this mild surprise. Yahiko recovered first. "I mean, thank you for… Um... " He couldn't praise Nagato for being happy. Encouraging people to mask their feelings was a terrible thing to do, he'd heard, and that made sense. So what could he say? "Thank you for, uh, appreciating my existence."
Nagato looked confused. Yahiko hurried to clarify, "I mean, you look like you do when I'm here and even though you're feeling bad, just having me around makes it better. There's a lot of things it would be really hard or impossible for me to help with, so, with you it's really nice to be able to help, and it feels good to see how much I really can do. Thank you for looking at me so warmly like that." He really, really hoped that got his meaning across, because he was out of words.
Nagato turned almost as red as his hair. "I...I can't help it," he squeaked out. "You're...just special like that to me."
Yahiko sighed in relief. "I really wanted to do something, after what we talked about earlier," he said, "but Hidan already has something planned, and even if he didn't, Konan didn't look like she wanted me to be trying to help her. It's so frustrating. All I can do is sit around and hope he can handle it, but I don't want to sit around anymore. It doesn't help with everything, but being able to make you smile does help the frustration a little."
Nagato let out a short giggle. "You're welcome." He was downright grinning, seemingly uncontrollably. "I'm glad I can do that. I really should have gone first."
"Oh?"
"What I meant to say was, thank you for being here." Whatever lid he'd been trying to keep on his emotions turned to dust, and Yahiko was momentarily awed at the look he saw shining through Nagato's eyes. It held such warmth in it, such love, such relief, that Yahiko teared up instantly. The sharp pain of something he didn't know had been tense suddenly relaxing stunned him. He hadn't known just how badly he needed someone in his corner like this. Tears ran down his face.
Like he could read minds, Nagato let go of Yahiko's hands and wrapped Yahiko in a tight hug. One of his hands buried itself in the hair on the back of Yahiko's head, and Nagato turned his head so his nose pressed against the side of Yahiko's face. Yahiko started to cry in earnest, huge, heaving sobs propelling him onto Nagato's shoulder. Nagato was so reassuring, so warm, so helping, that Yahiko could do nothing less. He was solid and strong, so Yahiko turned to liquid and let himself slosh around for however long he needed, knowing Nagato would hold him as tightly as was required.
In a liquid state like this, Yahiko was at his most ready to connect to other people's feelings. "Have you ever tried giving Konan a hug?" he whispered, after the sobs had died down and he could rest. This was exactly what she needed. He knew that more than he had ever known anything else.
"No," Nagato admitted. "Do you think I should?"
"Somebody has to," Yahiko protested his case. "Anyone she'll allow. I just know somehow that that's what she needs."
Nagato rubbed the back of Yahiko's head and took a shaky breath. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay. Let's just be here for a while."
Yahiko thought his flesh might literally be turning to liquid. His whole body seemed soft and heavy like it was filled with water, and he realized without any great surprise that his eyes had drifted closed. The fog of sleep clouded over his mind, leaving him to idly wonder if babies felt like this with their mothers. Or with their brothers. Nagato was family, wasn't he? Yahiko was pleasantly surprised to realize that. He'd always thought that he wouldn't know what it was like to have a brother, because he'd only ever had an older sister. But he did know, kind of…
Nagato's breath remained shaky. He wasn't tense, but stray nerve endings seemed to be firing at random, provoking him to move in random ways. He felt Yahiko relax into sleep and shuddered, the pain of that piercing his skin everywhere. But as long as he got to hold Yahiko and know that he had made Yahiko feel like this, Nagato would stay. The pain was sweet somehow, and giving it up was out of the question. He kissed Yahiko on the cheek, scorching his lips with the feeling of wanting. Resisting this made Nagato shiver, every hair on his body standing on end. He knew for sure that Yahiko would never match his feelings, because Yahiko slept now, where Nagato never would. He had never been able to sleep with Yahiko nearby.
The agony of not moving, not touching, allowing Yahiko to be with him the same way Yahiko would be with a couch, was so great it brought tears of pain to Nagato's eyes. But he could endure it. For Yahiko's sake, he promised, he would endure anything. Even though this qualified as a form of torture, he would endure.
.
Several rooms away, Hidan was visibly pale and trembling by the middle of his attempt at explaining what he was thinking of doing. "So," he aborted early, "thing slash group therapy session, in the sunroom." *wince* "Some kind of something else, if anyone wants. Fuck fuck fuck!" And he ran from the room, bent nearly in two with what could have been extreme pain or something else entirely. He'd started the explanation in female form, so some minds considered it revealing that he'd turned male midway through, without meaning to and at the same time as he'd started wincing. What the hell was he picking up on?
Konan stood just outside the doorway, trying to hold her shaking hands still. She'd started listening to Hidan from the back of the room, and edged out steadily as he proceeded. She could and would swear up and down she didn't really know what he had planned, but something was terrifying her. How soon was he going to get this over with?!
Hidan appeared in the doorway to Nagato's room, visibly shaking. He was also jerking from side to side, contorting himself as if to hide something. Nagato immediately knew what was wrong and flushed red. He shook Yahiko. "Wake up, wake up. Hidan has something important for us, Yahiko."
"Mm. Mm?"
"Yeah, uh, stat!" What Nagato could not fathom was why Hidan was looking around and shaking as if frightened beyond his wits. "Seriously, I don't mean to rush, but yes I fucking do! Got to get this over with quickly, or everything's doomed!" And he disappeared from Nagato's doorway.
Yahiko had woken up enough to hear the last of this. He looked at Nagato, very concerned, and got up to follow Hidan. Nagato was relieved and frustrated at the same time. He really had no idea what to make of his responses to Yahiko most days.
.
"Alright, listen up. I thought, after the clusterfuck of a week we've had, we could use some kind of team bonding thing." Hidan looked around to see how this was being taken.
It was not being taken well. Nearly everyone looked completely uninterested, and more than a few were glaring at him. Dei still wanted to know why Hidan had allegedly said they were not living in a video game, Sasori was in no mood, and Kisame and Kakuzu were opposed to the general idea of team bonding exercises. Yahiko was the only truly enthusiastic face there, and Nagato was trying valiantly to be enthusiastic on Yahiko's behalf. Hidan had requested some time to get everyone on board, so Konan was not present.
Overall, it was a tough crowd. Hidan aimed to soften them up. He clapped his hands together and said, "Specifically, I was thinking we should cut right to tackling the elephant in the room."
That got more of a reception. "What does that mean?" Sasori asked, his voice already having moved to high alert.
Yahiko had only one thing in his world that could be called an elephant in the room. "Konan?" he blurted.
"Yep!" Hidan fiddled with the zipper of his cloak. Dislike for things touching his neck, even lightly, was part of the reason why he usually went without a shirt at all. Of course, if he intended to be in female form (as he was now, thanks to the absence of male-specific feelings), he'd just have to get over it. He moved the zipper down to his collarbone where it was less annoying. "Shit's going on with her, and it's not good. She knows that most of all, which is why she asked me to think of something to help things, and this is what I came up with." His eyes glowed with pride. He'd have doubts some other time.
"Basically, I was thinking we should get to know her better. Does anyone have a problem with that?"
Yahiko's eyes were like stars. That was nearly everything he'd been dreaming of. The same was true of Nagato. They looked at each other, both wondering if this was too good to be true. Nagato wondered seriously, Yahiko wondered just as a courtesy to the idea that he was supposed to.
Itachi was, for the first time in Kisame's entire association with him, skeptical. "She doesn't seem very likely to cooperate," he pointed out.
Sasori was, for the first time in anyone's association with him, beyond skepticism. "Who cares? Bring her in. It's about time we got some answers."
Hidan squeaked and got up to do just that. As soon as he left, Samehada started growling. Kisame looked to see what his shark friend was growling at, only to see that Same was growling at him.
"Same? What's wrong?" The shark started whimpering, and curled up on the floor in a variety of different ways that Kisame didn't quite know how to interpret. Distress was obvious, but he could tell nothing more.
"Hey, it'll be alright." Yahiko had come over, unable to ignore Samehada's frustrated whining. Since it had worked so well before, he gently reached out and lifted Samehada by the fins. The shark came willingly. Yahiko ended up facing Samehada face to toothy jaws. The shark licked his nose and whined.
"What's wrong?" Yahiko could feel eyes on him, and knew they were thinking what he was thinking. He was really hoping he was a Disney Prince. "How bad is it?"
Samehada lowered what passed for his head and let out a dispirited whimper. He then tried to reach forward and nuzzle Yahiko's chest. Yahiko let him. The attempt at contact clicked several things into place, and he started kicking himself for not having thought of this before. "Lonely?"
Same backed up and nodded.
"Oh…" Yahiko held the shark close. "It's not working, is it? Being babysat by whoever's available, or spending the whole day in the lake, it's not what you want at all."
Samehada made a series of sounds that sounded suspiciously like crying and crawled even further into Yahiko's lap. Yahiko petted him, his heart starting to beat a little faster. He could really try to do something now. What was he going to do?
Kisame sighed. He turned away from everyone else so he wouldn't be embarrassed by being honest. "I've been kind of worried about that. I've had no idea what to do this whole time. I'm sorry, Same. Do you have any ideas?" This last was for Yahiko.
Yahiko gulped. No matter how many times he tried to lend a hand in conflicts, and sometimes succeeded, it never got any easier. Many times, his instincts didn't quite land properly, and people who regarded him as above them just because he seemed to approach from a place without suffering refused his attempts at help. That was the downside of being a true optimist; he couldn't always be trusted like someone who was grittier and acted like they suffered would be. Nagato called it angelic. Yahiko wondered if they were right, and he was just being phony.
But in the end, his instincts were all he had, and Yahiko had tried for the longest time to reconcile himself with a reality where they were just not going to land right a certain percentage of the time. His instincts told him now to look down at Samehada. "What do you think, Same?"
Samehada wiggled until Yahiko let go, and raced around to climb onto Kisame's back. He wrapped his head around Kisame's shoulder and growled as if to declare Mine.
Yahiko giggled. Was it that easy? "Oh, you just want to be with Kisame more?"
Samehada rattled affirmatively and settled in to stay.
Yahiko turned to Sasori and Deidara. "Have you guys brought up any really weird things around Laurie? Aside from the succubus?"
"I told her I was a ninja, and all she absorbed was that it meant I had more endurance than her," Sasori recalled.
"She was the one who brought up the idea that we might be living in a video game, but she doesn't act like it's important at all and kept bringing up other things, yeah," Deidara chimed in.
"Okay!" Yahiko turned back to Kisame. "So, there's no reason to think it wouldn't be safe for you to bring him along instead of leaving him here every day. It'd be fine."
Kisame was extremely skeptical on the one hand. But on the other hand, there was Same's wishes to respect. His war with himself had just begun when the door opened and Hidan came back in with Konan on his heels. They filled in their usual gap in the circle, with Hidan sitting to Konan's left, on her other side from Nagato. It was a nice seating arrangement they had going on. Or at least it was, until Nagato saw how proud Yahiko looked and moved so Yahiko could stay there next to Kisame and Samehada. This involved displacing Itachi. Hidan observed that something very important must have happened for them to be split up, and elbowed Konan. She'd already seen Nagato move. It felt like a too-late portent of things already happened. Of course he moved to be next to Yahiko. What did I expect? It shouldn't feel so meaningful. Konan became acutely aware that she was far too close to a breaking point. Suddenly she felt very fragile.
"Everyone ready?" Hidan asked. He was going to launch this thing with momentum.
"Yeah."
"Sure."
"Do we have a choice?"
"Yeah!"
"Fuck yeah!" Hidan turned to Konan. Something clicked into place as he did so, and finally Konan understood. Something like this is what I did to them, only a week ago. It's payback time.
Time it was, payback or no payback. Hidan cleared his throat. "I wanna do a group bonding exercise," he began. "Specifically, bonding with you. The problem is, it's like you're still in another world from us. You told us what you expect us to be, but not who. All your freakin' friends are dead! So, how 'bout we hold a kind of funeral?"
Crack.
"Who were we? More to the point, who do you see? What's missing? What were they, to you? And…" he hesitated decorously, "who are you? This is a time for introductions too."
There was silence.
Ice crystals bloomed in Konan's blood. The silence stretched complete, inside to out. The idea of...of…
Introducing myself...
Yahiko...
They…
He…
I…
Dead…
Something clouded over Konan's vision. She thought it was ice creeping into her eyeballs, but then realized it was actually from having gone without blinking for too long.
They…
Was blinking possible?
Someone touched her on the shoulder. Hanzo sama? No; it was Itachi. That knowledge defrosted her, and Konan regained the ability to move, speak, and compose herself. She did all this automatically, turning to face forward and put her usual face on. Hidan squeezed her hand, lending her the courage of fatalism. She had her orders. All that remained was to carry them out successfully, even if it meant holding a funeral for people she could see, as clear as a sunny sky.
Thinking of it as a mission made it easier. She turned to Itachi, looking at him before closing her eyes so she would not have to see him. If she could not see this world, it was almost possible to imagine she was back in her own. Vivid memories flashed by as if they were currently happening. She felt the undisguised sting of loss for her world, and allowed herself to understand Hidan's request for a funeral. Deep down, she'd tried hard not to believe it.
She had attended many funerals, but all of them bar one were like festivals next to this. That one that was different had not ever really happened, she realized. There hadn't been a real funeral when she was younger, either. Konan felt like finding somewhere quiet to sip tea and contemplate the newly discovered fact that her life was one long string of funerals that never really happened, but she was in the middle of a mission. Retroactive grieving could wait.
"Itachi." That name brought up many suspicions and concerns. "Your original was very suspicious. Yo - he was a good person. That was what made him suspicious. He had murdered his entire clan, but even so, we had the persistent feeling that there was something off about him. Yo - he did not quite seem the type to join a terrorist organization, somehow. We suspected him of being a double agent. If any definite proof had come in, or he had begun to fail in his duties, it would have been my mission to take care of him. That was always my mission. It was not animosity; I had no personal dislike for him. Nonetheless, the Akatsuki is the most valuable thing to me, and so I made it my mission to protect it. I was always on guard around him, always watching. I could respect you, but I can never have any mercy for double agents."
She turned to face forward. She knew where they all were, and the name alone was enough to bring up the past. "Kisame.
"I felt some understanding with you, though of course I never communicated any such thing. You w - your original was tasked with the same task I took for myself: killing comrades for the sake of the village. You escorted code keepers, and when escort was impossible and there was a chance they would be captured, you prevented them from spilling the codes. That sort of position leaves one with many secrets of their own. I understood. Sometimes I wondered if you'd found answers to the kind of questions you must have had. Secretly I hoped your fate would have nothing to do with me; you seemed loyal, and your talent for sniffing out traitors was part of why you were partnered with Itachi. I do hope that your original had a worthy end."
Konan continued to address everyone in the same way she had addressed them before: right to left. It was no accident that she had broken this pattern to skip over Nagato and Yahiko. If this mission was to be completed at all, they must be saved until the end.
"Deidara. Your original annoyed the crap out of everybody, but he was competent. Actually, I found him amusing. He was always getting in trouble, being teased by Hidan, starting a fight." Konan's chest constricted with silent laughter. "There were only ever three outcomes from bringing you two together: Hidan would be clearly correct and you would take the next mission, whether it was starting a war or not, just to get away from his crowing, you would be clearly correct and Kakuzu or Zetsu or both would be assigned to make sure he wasn't followed after destroying some neighboring shrine, or neither of you would be clearly correct and you would be assigned to reconstructing opposite ends of whatever structure was destroyed in the ensuing battle. There was one time your original's temper worked with Hidan's, instead of against; the mission was classified as a failure because we were supposed to start a war, not end it. There was a period of peace and calm after that, though. After Sasori was killed, Tobi became your new partner, and he was high-energy like you, so the next several months were hell for anyone who disliked constant bombing. I think you may have eventually grown to get along with him, though. Your battle with Sasuke went very well, with Tobi's help. He didn't feel the same way; I doubt he felt anything after you used that suicide technique against Sasuke. We knew Tobi was a bastard. I'm sorry for partnering your original with him."
I'm probably going to have to explain who Tobi and Zetsu are, aren't I? That can be done later. "Sasori. Your original turned himself into a puppet at the age of 15. How does one go about understanding someone like that? I certainly didn't. It was very difficult to figure out what kind of person you were, where to put you, so since you referred to your puppets as a kind of art and Deidara referred to his explosions in the same way, we partnered you together and hoped it would work out. It didn't work out nearly as well as your previous partnership with Orochimaru, but aside from constant bickering over the definition of art it worked well enough. Orochimaru was a former Akatsuki member who expressed a similar interest in making people immortal; this common interest was why you were partnered with him before he attacked Itachi and betrayed the organization. I never fully understood your obsession with time. Why turn yourself into a puppet to have more of it, then yell for Deidara to hurry up and not keep you waiting? He was strange to me. I didn't have any contact with him, except for issuing orders."
Only two more. Konan's heart squeezed. It was getting difficult to continue speaking. "Kakuzu. Your original… I understood him even less. In fact, I even disliked him personally, an honor reserved for very few people. He kept killing his partners, which necessitated finding new members until we heard of and managed to track down Hidan. Since I was more on the human side of operations, this was a pain to deal with. I did forgive you after this tendency led to our acquiring Hidan, but your overall personality grated on me. Treating yourself as powerful enough to complete missions alone offended me, and your anger at your partners for slowing you down also offended me. I think it reminded me of parts of myself I'd rather not discuss."
The last sentence might not have made it out, if it were not for Konan being all too aware of those parts. Her mind kept flickering past Hidan and onto worrying about what she would say after him, where to even begin. The pain from her hands clenching too tightly in her lap helped, as did the distracting starbursts of light from her eyes. Her eyelid muscles were starting to develop a deep ache. Her mind briefly ran away to worry about if she could give herself brain damage from this. It took some time to remember that she had a mission, and time was passing. "Hidan." Her voice came out wrong; it was weak and breathless. She soldiered on, despite the worrying feeling that her heart was beating against her throat and crushing her trachea. "Hidan. Your original…"
Memories whirled in her head. Where do I start? "I wish I knew more of him. He was fascinating." She remembered Hidan's introduction to the group, their eyes meeting, equal fascination being returned. "We kept tabs on missing nins of B rank or above, as potential opponents and, rarely, potential assets. Your original gained a reputation for mysterious healing powers after a couple survivors reported seeing him with tremendous injuries during battle, only a few days before he was sighted again in seemingly perfect health. Kakuzu and some others were immediately sent out for recruiting purposes. He fought your original to a standstill, learning that your original was more than just a fast healer in the process. He was required to join the Akatsuki after that, under pain of being cast in molten metal for all eternity. I doubt how well I could have gone through with that," she added as almost an afterthought. Something about him had seemed awfully absorbing, even after just one look. Probably lust. Could attraction really have been strong enough to get in the way of her loyalties? Konan was unspeakably glad she never had to find out.
"His introduction caused some discord; it was common to hear complaints that he was too loud, too obnoxious, one was bad enough, the amount of time his prayers took was too long, etc. etc. We agreed that, beyond that superficial level, he was disturbing. Nagato never told me exactly how he was disturbing, but I could guess. Meetings of any kind with your original were kept to the bare minimum. He was never even told about the overall goal of the organization until long after he'd joined." Konan fell silent for some time.
"He never minded," she eventually whispered. "He prowled around, never complained about anything truly important. I remember the look in his eyes. He looked older than you do; you look around 8 years old, he looked around 13 or 14 at his youngest. Sarcasm, anger, his eyes never being fully open unless he was in battle… I told myself I was looking for complexity where there wasn't any. I didn't expect very much of him. I only expected him not to die. He's getting a less than welcome reception when I see him next." Her voice tried to be frosty, but didn't quite succeed. Konan knew well that most things she tried to do to him would be taken in a very different way, and anything he would really dislike, she was unwilling to do. The thought of trying to punish him filled her body with a good kind of tension. Bad time, bad place. I should not be imagining such things. I really shouldn't. Did that mean she was going to stop, though? ...Eventually. Her thoughts sounded very sincere, totally, for sure.
She wracked her brain for anything more to say about him. How should she describe the way he tilted his head when he was listening, the different tones of sarcasm he employed, the way different types of anger could be told apart by his eyes? How could she describe those things? What else could she describe in order to prolong this point in time, hopefully to infinity?
Hidan picked up her hand and held it. The message was clear. Get on with it. Konan tried to squeeze his hand back, and found that she couldn't. Her muscles did not move. Paralysis. It was almost a relief, to be able to tell him that she honestly couldn't do it, with her whole body paralyzed there was no way she could talk about -
She remembered that one scene of her dream where Pain had pulled her from the pile of exploding tags, and a dam shuddered. Memories began to leak. Lie down next to Yahiko and stay still. I'll take care of them. More shuddering. You will always be the leader of the Akatsuki...Yahiko. It felt like she had already swallowed a lit signal flare and was currently trying to swallow another one. Foolish. Peace is unattainable. War will last forever as long as this world exists. That...Bastard…
Konan took a breath in time to avoid passing out, and began to speak.
"Nagato. You...we…" All the different forms of himself he had ever been lay spread before her, in her mind: Nagato fishing. Nagato sitting alone. Nagato laughing with Jiraiya sensei. Nagato saving her life. Nagato looking strong. Nagato looking lonely. Nagato with a dog. "Well...at this point, with the Akatsuki, you were -" Nagato looking hopefully at Yahiko. Nagato crouched on the ground, breathing heavily, just having killed two men without being fully aware of it.
Oh gods. "Perhaps I should start at the beginning."
She took a deep breath. It sent shivers up and down her body. Her eyes were starting to burn. "You walked into our hideout with a puppy." The last syllable cracked. All of that was gone, broken, meaningless now. How could she ever be asked to speak about it? He had had meaning, and now he did not, and she was being asked to give him meaning again? To resurrect him, to make the past present? It couldn't be done! It couldn't. The ice was growing again, freezing all the water in her tear ducts. It just couldn't be done.
Hidan squeezed her hand again, with much effort. He was asking it of her, and he was… He was himself. And he had promised to hold her up when all the ice melted and the numbness that was holding her together disappeared, leaving her a tumbling pile of shards. Her heart was in shards already, everyone that had gone unmourned struggling to break free. They wanted to attend their funeral at last, but it would destroy her to let them. Hidan had promised her she would be okay.
"It was named Chibi." Her heart began to race, Konan gearing herself up to run for her life. She was going to escape her own collapse, or fall trying. "It saved you from starving to death." Her memories of Nagato were too vast, she couldn't let them out through her words alone. Yet, she had to try.
"You were almost nine years old, and an orphan, and too brave for anyone to handle. Except Yahiko. He was just as brave." Ow! "You learned a lot from Jiraiya sensei: how to be determined as well, how to be kind, how to be so, ridiculously strong. That was...I think sometime after Jiraiya sensei left, 13 or 14, I think that's when it changed. We're the same age. But before, you were quiet, so I thought of you as younger. Then, around that age, you'd grown and you seemed older than me…" Her throat closed. Her eyelids quivered. There was too much still to say, and she'd already left out almost everything.
"I'd never had a brother before," she uttered. Why was she bringing that up? She couldn't quite say. "You saved my life more times than I can count. You saved Yahiko all the time." *the sound of a band saw sawing open her heart* "We were the three of us." What could we have been, besides together? Being apart like this is hell. "Then, after that day happened, you were the leader of the Akatsuki, which we'd started years before. Everyone else was gone. What the hell happened to all the other members?" Konan had never figured that out. "That made it easier, to change, to become something different. We forgot what peace or happiness was like. Everything seemed dark and meaningless. We tried making a different world." A wave of shame rolled over her. "But we never got past step one: destroy the current one."
Yahiko… Konan swallowed. The worst was yet to come. "I missed you. My brother." There was so much more left to say, so much more she missed that needed to be mourned. That feeling of being looked after, belonging, family, home… Of understanding… Her Nagato would have always known exactly what she was and what she could or couldn't do. He was strong and smart like that. Her big brother. Could someone like that ever really be gone?
Tears that stabbed like glass and filled the wound with molten lava boiled up from beneath her eyes and seethed across the delicate membranes of her eyelids. She'd thought she'd made some progress moving on. Apparently not.
She was going to fall down and lie there if she didn't keep going. Konan forced herself on. "We never actually had a funeral." Her eyelids broke open, releasing the burning water. She looked at the dull carpet through a blur. "That day, you just fought, and then...then you used that technique, the Six Paths Jutsu, which controls bodies...and you said, 'You'll always be the leader of the Akatsuki...Yahiko.' It was almost like he was still there, except he was so pale and the jutsu made him look like he had piercings all over. His body only got to rest when you died, but then, I just laid you two to rest and prepared for battle. Still no funeral." Something dripped from her face. "Yahiko...you're the same. It's like nothing's happened, like you didn't die right in front of us, like I never...like you never… But that's a lie. I did lose the man I loved more than anything, and you don't get to lie to me!" Her chest froze. She couldn't breathe. Collapse or explode? Her chest was falling, dissolving into nothingness, but her arms and legs seethed with the desire to rip and tear everything to shreds.
Her vision narrowed, as if she was falling down a long tunnel. She remembered the tunnel from her dream, where the dead had gone. Jiraiya sensei, Yahiko, Nagato - her family. She'd either killed or stood by as all of them were taken, when none of them should have been. None of them. Was she worthy of being with them again?
Were they waiting?
Where did the portal in the basement lead to?
She choked, started to cough. The tunnel receded off into the distance. Konan felt herself slam into something. She was no longer falling. At first she thought it was a mortuary slab, but as her normal breathing resumed, it softened. It was warm. And, true to word, it seemed to be holding her up.
The world turned into a soft, dark cocoon.
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