In Japan, some citizens prefer to lose their lives rather than to lose
face. In America, the same death wish exists, with one modification. The Yank dreams of the death of the mortal who made him
lose face.
Why make enemies? Unless it is your obligation to catch
cheaters or entrap liars, let them get away with it. Then immediately get them out of your life and the lives you're responsible for.
Even when the case is open and shut against someone—when
you've got the rat fink trapped—leave him an escape hatch.
The best example I heard of this high sensitivity was from one
of my clients. She was invited to brunch at the home of a wealthy
socialite known as "Lady Stephanie." Lady Stephanie's home was
filled with beautiful objets d'art. Not the least among them was
an exquisite collection of extremely valuable Fabergé eggs, which
all the guests admired.
At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told
me she was walking out the door chatting with several other
guests. Just then, Lady Stephanie sidled up to one woman leaving
at the same time as my client. "Oh, I'm so happy you were admiring my Fabergé collection," Lady Stephanie said, sliding her hand
into the pocket of the guest's mink coat and plucking out one of
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Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
her priceless eggs. "You must have wanted to see this one in the
sunlight. Come, let us look at it together. It does reflect the bright
light beautifully."
The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to
see who had witnessed her gentle entrapment. My client and
everyone in the foyer saw what happened, but took Lady
Stephanie's lead and pretended naïveté of the attempted heist.
Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the
sticky-fingered guest "admired the egg in the sunlight." Then Lady
Stephanie, with her Fabergé egg secured safely between her perfectly manicured fingers, marched home to put the treasure in its
rightful place. The attempted egg snatcher crawled back to her car,
from her last attendance at Lady Stephanie's coveted bashes. The
hostess let the foiled filcher get away with a few slivered shreds of
her ego left intact.
Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who witnessed—and subsequently heard about—the thwarted burglary
has renewed respect for Lady Stephanie. Snaring the thief, yet
sparing her pride, helped Lady Stephanie keep her reputation of
"hostess with the mostest."
Why do big winners let bad-news people get away with bummers? Because, like mothers confronting naughty children to correct them, confronting creeps is a way of saying "I care." By
closing your mouth (and then the door forever), you are saying,
"You are so beneath me I'm not going to even waste my words on
you."
"Mea Culpa!"
Big winners leave an escape hatch for the small foibles of friends
they wish to keep by taking the blame themselves. If a friend gets
lost and is an hour late arriving at your house, tell her "Those
directions I gave you were terrible." He breaks your Limoges bowl?
"Oh I shouldn't have left it in such a precarious position." It's the
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old mea culpa routine that endears you to everyone, especially
when they realize it wasn't your fault.
Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation
for grace. They demonstrated it last year in a downtown Toronto
drugstore. A shopper attempted to stroll out through the security
system with a purloined object in his pocket. Instead of a shrill
alarm shattering all shoppers' eardrums, as in many American
cities, a tasteful little chime sounded. A charming voice came
across the public address. "Excuse us, we have failed to inactivate
the inventory control system. Thank you for your patience while
you wait for a customer care representative to come help you." Isn't
that a nicer way of saying "Freeze, punk, while we come frisk
you?"
Now let's move on to the next technique to keep people from
messing up—and to help them give you their very best.