Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times
Mommy's and Daddy's friends asked, "And what do you want to
be when you grow up?" That was our cue to regale our adoring
audience with dreams of being a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, a
cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most of our lives wound up being
a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all still have fantasies of our own greatness.
Even though most of us cashed in our childhood dreams of
being the star we thought we'd be (so we could make some
money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very special. We say to ourselves, "Maybe the world will little note nor long
remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative
or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love
me—they will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness
over all other ordinary mortals." When we find people with the
supernatural powers of perception to recognize our remarkableness, we become addicted to the heady drug of their appreciation.
Praising someone you know and love requires a different set
of skills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring
someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I
call it "The Tombstone Game." It requires a little setup.
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One Feel You Are THE
Partner for Life
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Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your
loved one, or your business partner, tell him or her that the other
day you were reading about—of all things—tombstones! "The
piece was about," you say, "what people fantasize will be inscribed
above their grave after they die." You learned that people want the
quality they are most proud of in life etched in stone. Then say,
"The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different self-image, a
different deep source of pride." Examples:
Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.
Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.
Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh.
Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.
Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.
Step two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved
on your tombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage
him or her to do likewise.
Step three: Now, you pop the question, "You know, Joe, when
all is said and done, what are you most proud of? What would you
like the world to most remember about you? What would you
want the world to see carved on your tombstone?"
Perhaps your business partner Joe says, "Well, I guess I'd sort
of like people to know that I'm a man of my word." Listen carefully. If he expounds on it, take note of every nuance. Then file it
away in your heart and don't say a word about it again. Joe will
forget you ever played The Tombstone Game with him.
Step four: Let at least three weeks pass. Then, whenever you
want to improve the relationship, feed the information back to
your partner in the form of a compliment. Say "Joe, you know the
reason I really appreciate being in business with you is because
you're a man of your word."
WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. "Finally," he
says to himself, "someone who appreciates me for who I really
am." Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires
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himself has an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the
world.
Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted
his wit carved on his tombstone. You'd say, "Billy, ol' buddy, you're
terrific. I loves ya 'cause you can really make people laugh."
"I Love You Because . . . " (You Fill
in the Blank)
Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding
example. Tell your beloved, "Jane, I love you because you spread
joy wherever you go."
Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand
and say, "Harry, I love you because you live life your way." BLAM!
You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego
blend.
226 How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #59
The Tombstone Game
Ask the important people in your life what they would
like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your
memory but don't mention it again. Then, when the
moment is right to say "I appreciate you" or "I love
you," fill the blanks with the very words they gave you
weeks earlier.
You take people's breath away when you feed their
deepest self-image to them in a compliment. "At last,"
they say to themselves, "someone who loves me for who
I truly am."
06 (199-228B) part six 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 226
The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable.
Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man of his
word; Billy's thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking
she lives life her way. Her source of pride is spreading joy wherever she goes.
It's wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.
When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves,
the effect is overpowering