Lovers whisper phrases in each others' ears that mean nothing to
anyone but themselves. Friends crack up over a few words that
sound like gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them. Close business associates chuckle about shared experiences.
One company I've worked with has seen reengineering,
empowerment, TQM, and team building come and go in one
decade. At company parties, the employees never fail to crack up
over the time when the whole company—managers to mail-room
clerks—scrambled up a twenty-nine-foot pole together all in the
name of team building. The CEO slipped down the pole and
broke his big toe. At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook his
crutch and caustically announced, "No more team exercises!"
Thus, the death of team building—and the birth of a private joke.
Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows.
These employees have a history and a language to go with it. To
this day, whenever they want to put an abrupt end to any idea,
they say, "Let's shake a crutch at it" or "Let's slide that one down
the flagpole." They all smile. Nobody knows what they mean
except fellow employees.
The playwright Neil Simon, sometimes with a single word,
can make an entire Broadway audience understand two perform195
How to Create a
Friendly "Private Joke"
with Them
✰50
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196 How to Talk to Anyone
ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor simply says something to the actress that makes no sense to the audience. Then both of them laugh uproariously. Everybody gets the
message: these two people are an item.
Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we don't say "Hello."
We say "Quack." Why? We met at a party five years ago and, in
our first conversation, Daryl told me he grew up on a duck farm.
When I told him I'd never seen a duck farm, he performed the
best human imitation of a duck I'd ever seen. He flipped his head
side to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all
the while flapping his arms and quacking. I got such a laugh out
of his performance that it inspired him to do a full flat-footed duck
waddle for me. It was contagious. Together we waddled around
the room flapping and quacking. We made absolute fools of ourselves that evening.
The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear,
not "Hello, this is Daryl," but simply, "Quack." I'm sure that's
Technique #50
Instant History
When you meet a stranger you'd like to make less a
stranger, search for some special moment you shared
during your first encounter. Then find a few words that
reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings
the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have
a history together, an Instant History.
With anyone you'd like to make part of your
personal or professional future, look for special
moments together. Then make them a refrain.
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what started our friendship. To this day, every time I hear his
"Quack" on the phone, it floods me with happy, if a tad embarrassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship
no matter how long it's been since we last quacked at each other.
Now What's Left?
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics
shared by big winners in all walks of life. Part One helped us make
a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body
language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body
ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and
big girls so we're contenders for life's big league. Part Four rescued
us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very little in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create
instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.
What's left? You guessed it—making people feel really good
about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in
today's world. One mishandling and you can butcher the relationship. Let us now explore the power of praise, the folly of flattery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively