While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize "uh huh" or
purr throaty little "umm" sounds to reassure the speaker we have
heard their words. In fact, with some it's such a habit, the noises
escape their throats unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consummate, constant, and incontinent "ummer" whenever I'm talking.
Occasionally, if I'm feeling contentious after he's given one of his
agreeable "umms" in response to something I've said, I challenge
him with, "OK, Phil, what did I say?"
"Uh, well, gosh . . ." Phil has no idea. It's not his fault. He's
male. Men are especially guilty of the not-really-listening umm
habit. Once, when I was on a monologue about nothing in particular, Phil was on a real umm roll. To test his listening skills, I
slipped in, "Yes, this afternoon I think I'll go out and get tattooed
all over my body."
Phil nodded his habitual "uh huh."
Well, umming is better than a blank stare. However, it's not
the choice of top communicators. Try replacing your umms with
full-blown empathizers.
186
How to Make Them
Feel You Empathize
(Without Just Saying
"Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah")
✰47
05 (171-198B) part five 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 186
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
What Are Empathizers?
Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike "uh
huh," they are complete sentences such as "I can appreciate you
decided to do that," or "That really is exciting." Empathizers can
be one-sentence positive critiques like "Yes, that was the honorable thing to do," or "It's charming you felt that way."
When you respond with complete sentences instead of the
usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but
your listener feels that you really understand.
Of course, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you
do need to listen.
Now let's fine-tune this technique and explore advanced
empathizing.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize 187
Technique #47
Employ Empathizers
Don't be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete
sentences to show your understanding. Dust your
dialogue with phrases like "I see what you mean."
Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like "That's a
lovely thing to say." Your empathy impresses your
listeners and encourages them