Oh, hello there, humans! It's me, your friendly neighborhood pigeon. You know, the bird you see waddling around—plotting world domination from the park bench or stealing your fries. Let me tell you my story. You're either gonna love it or hate it. Either way, I win.
I hatched on a warm spring morning in a cozy nest on the ledge of an apartment building. Classic pigeon real estate, right? My mom was a real estate genius—prime spot with a view, perfect for dodging hawks and spying on humans.
My first meal? Pre-digested crop milk. Yep, my parents regurgitated it. Don't judge! You humans drink almond milk, and there's not even a single almond in it. So, who's the weird one here, huh?
Growing up, my siblings and I competed for food and prime poop spots. That's an art form, by the way. The goal is to hit humans below just right. Bonus points if you ruin someone's fresh laundry or hit a car windshield at high speed. By the time I was two months old, I'd become a master of the splatter.
And flying? Oh, that took some practice. I wasn't born a pro at dodging traffic and low-hanging branches. But once I got the hang of it, I was zooming over cities like a feathered fighter jet. Move over, eagles!
Pigeons—or as my fancy scientific name goes, Columba livia domestica—have a long, glorious history. Did you know we were messenger pigeons back in the day? That's right—we delivered top-secret messages during wars. We were the OG email. Some of us even got medals for bravery. Yeah, medals. Bet your Wi-Fi router doesn't get that kind of respect.
Oh, and we're kind of geniuses. Studies show we can recognize ourselves in mirrors and even tell the difference between Picasso and Monet. Don't ask me how, though—art isn't really my thing. I'm more of a "crumb connoisseur."
These days, I live the city life. And let me tell you, it's a grind. Mornings at the park, fighting squirrels for bread crumbs. Afternoons chilling on power lines, gossiping with the squad. Evenings? That's for dodging drones and avoiding the occasional cat.
You think cats are cute? Try having one pounce at you when you're just trying to enjoy a leftover pizza crust. The disrespect!
And let's talk about you humans. Some of you are cool—you feed us and take aesthetic Instagram pics of us. But others? You run at us screaming like we owe you money. Chill, Karen! I'm just here for the bagel.
Now, here are some fun pigeon facts to blow your mind:
We can fly up to 600 miles in a single day. Beat that, Fitbit users!
Our homing instincts are legendary. You could drop me off in the middle of nowhere, and I'd still find my way back to the city. Built-in GPS, baby.
When I'm flying, my heart beats over 600 times a minute. That's like a squirrel on Red Bull.
Oh, and we see the world in more colors than you humans can. Literally. While you're stuck with your basic rainbow, I'm out here vibing with ultraviolet.
But life's not all breadcrumbs and rainbows. I've dodged my fair share of hawks, windows, and angry humans. When the time comes, though, I'll find a quiet rooftop or a sunny park and take my final nap—knowing I lived the best pigeon life.
So, next time you see me waddling around or cooing on your windowsill, remember—I'm not just some random bird. I'm a descendant of war heroes, a flying artist, and a bread-crumb enthusiast. Respect the pigeon.
Alright, that's my TED Talk. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a hot dog bun with my name on it. Coo-coo!
[Outro music plays as the pigeon flies away.]