I have some experience with online dating applications. I am so embarrassed to tell this to anyone, but here I am trying. It all started when one of my friends asked if I knew this dating app. I was aware of one of them. The famous dating app, but there is one more that people are using here in Indonesia especially. Because of that, I was curious and downloaded it. At first, I was just playing it for fun, and swiping to the left or the right was still funny to me.
For a couple of days, I played I match with this one guy, I don't know why, and I don't remember ever swiping him to the right. But because that was the first one ever to message me after we matched together, I answered him right back. I was foolish I admit, I trusted people too easily back then, we chatted for a long period, and then he wanted to call me, and video call me too. I was naïve and just said yes. We video-called and I saw just how unattractive he is. But because he loved bombing me, I think I was desperate wanting someone to like me more than I liked him. I know that sounds scary and heartless, but I didn't know any better. So, weeks went by, and he wanted me to go on a date with him. And yet again I said yes. I convinced my father to let me go with him. Even though he said OK, I know he is super concerned about me meeting a man on the Internet. He is a bit older than me and already has a job, but the way he is with me, he can become a child, what I mean is, he became childish and stared at me admiringly, to the point of making me start to feel uncomfortable. So, I decided to just go on one date with him and then say I didn't want to be with him, basically rejecting him in person. The day we went out, I asked him if he wanted to eat Korean BBQ, and he was down to it. I ordered the food I usually ordered and when we were waiting for the food, I started to talk to him on a serious note. I said, "I know we have only known each other for a short period, but I just don't like you, I don't find you romantically attracted." He answered sadly "But can we remain friends? Can I still be in your life?" I was about to vomit hearing those words. I know, I am a savage. He keeps on saying, I still can move on from you, even if we still keep in touch. I was getting super uncomfortable, and said, "NO". But in a less harsh way of course. And thank goodness, he backed down, and took my words seriously. We ate and then he took me back to my parents who were in the place we met in. At least it was a gentlemanly thing he do. So, we lost contact, he had my number and my Instagram. I was relieved that he did not pursue me after our meet-up. Because it will be a horror story if that happens.
You would think after all that happened, I would stop using the dating app. But no, sadly I still have not learned my lesson and still trying to find "love", and "friends" in the wrong places.
I learned that I want to be loved more than I love someone else. I was selfish. Why is it that if it did happen, what I mean is, if someone liked me back, I would be unattracted to them? I keep on attracting weird people for some reason.
I deleted the app for a couple of months, and it was a day when I was bored. I decided again to play the dating app, and funny enough found someone match quite quickly. He was creepy, but I don't know why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We talked and video-called too, he has the same eyes as the other boy. Loved bombing me, and I fell for it. And then he wants to go out with me. He was excited when I told him I had never dated anyone before. At first, I just brushed it off my head, but he kept wanting to take me out of town. Or come play to my house when I said I am all alone. I was stupid enough not to see that coming, he kept on going, telling me all the red flags I was supposed to know earlier. When he said hotel, my head suddenly realized, he just wanted my body. How can I be so stupid?
I then tell him I don't want to sleep with him. A big red "NO". Thank God, I noticed it, if not I would have been pulled into the world of dangerous territories. I blocked him and was traumatized. I deleted the app forever this time. And my parents were mad at me for playing it in the first place. I know now that I have been searching for love in the wrong places.
When I was a kid, I quickly could tell if I liked someone or not, but growing up I became a people pleaser, which makes me search for answers as to why people do bad things and still let them do those bad things, even if it's hurting me, as long as I am not hurting them. I went from being "rude" to "nice" drastically. Searching for that balance is not an easy journey for me. The next part of my stories of romance will be about me stepping out of my comfort zone, and learning things that were hard for me. But I truly think it is worth it, now that I can reflect on it, and I learned so much about myself too. About what I want in a relationship, and know my worth is far more priceless than I ever felt before. It took time for me to realize it but I am glad I can overcome the obstacle of self-esteem.