In Ramadan season a couple of years after I moved back to my hometown, my parent's best friends were hosting a party, a get-together, and a reunion you could say. There I was introduced to my now one of my best friends, by my father's former co-worker. Luckily, I am trying to make my circle of friends bigger, but I was still very selective of whom I invite in. So, when she introduced me to her, she said that this girl (who is younger than me) is her daughter. I was surprised at first because I have known her for years now, and she only has a son. They never tell me that back in our hometown, her son has a sibling. The look on my face was very clear, that I was confused. But after the introduction, I chatted with her, and she is such a lovely person, we just click together. We talk and exchange contacts and follow each other's Instagram accounts. Then she said to me that she had another older brother too. And it's not the one I knew, it's a different person. So, in my mind, I was counting, they are three siblings in total. And she is the youngest. I did not ask too many questions about their origin, I was mainly just asked about her school, and trying to figure out her personality. After meeting her for the first time, I can sense that she can be in my circle of friends. Even after that party, we continued to chat together, asking her "How are you?" too sometimes. I am the type of person who likes to check on my friends and support them always.
A couple of months later, the oldest brother, in their family, the one who I knew to just be an only son, but not. Are getting married soon, so my parents and I were invited to the wedding ceremony. I was so excited to meet all of them again. After I saw her, I ran and said hello, and said "Long time no see!". She was surprised and glad to see me at the same time. After that, I just stayed close to her, because almost all the people who came to the wedding, I had never met, except the groom's family. But when it was time to finally eat, we were separated, I ate with my parents and she still needed to greet all of the guests who came. I was feeling overwhelmed, because of the amount of people who came.
After I ate, I went and searched for her again. I saw that she was with a boy. And because I knew she had a brother, I figured there he was. And I was right. The boy next to her was her other older brother, the one I just recently knew about. He sees me coming from afar, and his sister has not noticed me yet, so he taps her shoulder and points at me. She greeted me again, and the introduction began. She said "This is my brother", the second oldest son in the family. We shake hands and he just reacts normally, and me too. But I can sense that in my mind, he is not in a good mood, or just shy. I don't know why I think like that. I just brush it off my head. After a while, people a starting to go back home. And we were still together sitting on a chair in the corner. I saw that he was holding a plate full of food, and I said "Have you not eaten dinner yet?", he answered "Yes", but did not touch the food he was holding. When I pointed at the plate, he said, it was rude of him if he eats and I'm not. Even after I told him that it was okay to eat, he was still hesitant. We all end up just talking. And then I ask him if he has an Instagram or not. So, I follow him, and he too, follow me back. After that, I was called by my parents saying it was time to go home. I was still wanting to be with them, but there was a family gathering that we needed to attend. So, I quickly said goodbye and we went to the car and drove to the restaurant where my extended family was waiting for us.
In the restaurant, he DM me via Instagram. I was surprised because I was just about to message them both and thank them for wanting to be my friends. In the DM he asks for my phone number. So, I gave it to him. After that in minutes he messages me again from WhatsApp this time, saying "You are amazing" to me. After he said that, I laughed so hard, and said: "I don't believe you". But he keeps on complimenting me because I wrote a bunch of my feelings and perceptions of this world on Instagram. Especially back then, my world was very black and white. Long story short, he tells me that even though my world is colorless, I am still giving color to this world, whether I realize it or not. His words were very poetic. I can tell that he is so good with words, and he knows it. So, I took a turn in our conversation, saying can we all three go hangouts, and meet up someday. And he and her sister agree. We arrange the date to when we are all free. I believe it was a month later we met up at the mall, in the middle of where I was and where they lived. After hanging out, I was happy and satisfied, I chose to let them into my life.
Even though we rarely see each other, due to our house being far away from each other's, we three still keep in touch. And then I develop a feeling coming up for him. I like that he is serious, but at the same time, he is funny. I can tell that he is the type who is academic, and he majored in Law. It's happening again, I said to myself, I am developing feelings for someone who I know that I cannot be with. And I tell myself that to let this feeling die, I need to tell him how I feel. Even though I had been here before, and last time I regret it. But at the same time, I feel a push to have to tell him.
So, I did it, I message him. I wrote, "I know this coming out of nowhere, but I think I have a romantic feeling towards you. I know that our worlds are far apart, but I still want to tell you how I feel". He replies, with words full of respect. He thanked me for liking him, but he could not accept me. He said that "The problem is not because we live a different life, he is just not in a good state of mind or not in the phase of life to be with someone". I was confused at first, but eventually, I understood, that I could not force him to be with me. I just answered saying "Can we still be friends?" he said, "Of course!". That is the start of me letting him go, and managing my feelings. There was a time when I was sad, and I chatted with his sister, whose I am already close with, and told her everything. She was surprised, and asked me "What can I do to help?". I said there is no need, I just want to tell you about it, because you are one of my best friends.
After all that, He and I rarely see each other. It's already been years since the last time we hang out the three of us. Now it's only the two of us, me and his sister. I am so grateful to still have a healthy friendship with them both. I was still curious about their background, and I asked them bluntly "How come I never knew you two were the other siblings? whom I already consider my older brother", their faces did not change, I thought that by asking them the question, they would not want to answer. But surprisingly they welcome me to their world. The answer they gave me, makes me confused, and sad at the same time. The short version of the story is they have been abandoned by their biological parents and are now adopted by my father's co-worker, who is now their "mom". But the one thing that confused me was, that they said to me, that technically they were her younger siblings. Inside I was shocked, but I didn't want to make them regret telling me the truth. So, I listen to them both sharing their story and not judging them at all. Just a friend who is willing to listen. I believe I am the only one who knew that it's a lot more complicated than just her adopting them both. Now even after the very awkward "love" confession to him, I consider them as my family. And not seeing them differently just because of who is their biological parents.
I have a feeling that he is a gentleman. That is one of the reasons I fell for him. I was thinking as to why I could fall in love so quickly. I cannot control it, and I am embarrassed in my heart.
I may never been in a serious relationship before, because I am not the type of person who likes to be in a romantic relationship just for fun. I am fully aware that I can take advantage of it, some people think I am oblivious, but I am not. That is why I am very protective of my heart. It is not easy for me to let people into my world. I am friendly to people, but I still need to always continue to remind myself that there are good people out there, and not just bad ones. My fear of people has not died, they all have been fooled by my mask. But like everything, there is a positive side to it and a negative one too.
I would always try to not judge other people because I know how it feels like to be constantly heavily judged on every little thing that you do. All of that makes me a very open-minded person, who a lot of people like, but I still feel like it is a small hole, that people can pry open and hurt me brutally.
I remain calm being content with being single. I don't want to just randomly pick someone to be with. I have made that mistake before. I have not yet told you the story of the period where I looked so despaired, and forced myself into a situation that can be considered dangerous and ended up making me traumatized. I feel so dumb, Reflecting on it, I still always wanted validation from other people. And it starts to leek into the world of romantic attractions. In the next part, I will tell you the whole story of me meeting people and being in a place or community where it is not a healthy one. At first, I had contemplated whether should I tell this part of the story or not. But after all the thinking I have been doing, I believe we can all, yes "we", me and you, us, can learn from my mistake, and try to reflect on it more deeply than ever before. Even I have been putting off writing these experiences in my diary because it's too embarrassing to the point of I just want to bury it in the ground. Out of side from anyone, erase it, but I know it is not possible. What I can do right now is just own up to my mistakes, and not repeat them ever again.