In the same month, my uncle from my mother's side passed away (it's a different uncle). And it was during the pandemic of Covid 19. My mother and my father helped my aunt who was left behind by her husband. Because my parents were concerned about me, I was told to just stay at home, so I did not go to the funeral home. But I beg my father to allow me to at least go to the burial place. When he "Okay", I rush to get ready and wait for him to pick me up. When we arrived at the burial place, I looked at the red car, and the door was opening, and then he came out. I can see that he wants to greet us. But I was quiet, I did not expect him to be there too. I thought he would be super busy, like always. Because we arrive earlier than others, we all just stand there, waiting. After everyone finally arrives, the funeral service begins. I saw him opening the large bag pack he was holding, and he took out his saxophone, he played right next to me, I thought that this was bad, and I kept having these "feelings" for him. So, to not think of the impossible, I move backward, moving away from him.
In the same year, four of my extended family members passed away. It took a toll on my mental health. But I can't imagine or compare the grief they all felt to mine. Because of that, we have been meeting each other more frequently. I did not want to communicate with him just yet, due to my fear of not keeping this burning passion I felt for him. Even when he tried to talk to me, I would make some space around him. It looks weird, and I may have made him even more confused. Now two years had passed, and the pandemic was becoming little by little calmer. And to announce the end of the pandemic.
Now that we can physically meet people, lots of people are impatient to be reunited with their loved ones.
In the two years of quarantine, I decided to try to open up to other people and let others into my life. So, I tried with the people I already know, I mean my extended family (because I had zero friends back then). So, I tried chatting a lot more with him. Almost every day I chatted with him, and he was willing to hear my rants and my anxiety. In the middle of the night, I would like to call him, and even to the extent of waiting for him every night, because I chatted to him, about how he helps me get out from a very dark place. He called me and panicked. I think what I wrote to him, came across as like a suicide note. For him being that concerned about me, makes me want to be closer to him. But like at the very time of meeting him, I know this can't be anything other than brothers, and sisters' relationship.
So, after a couple of months passed again, I took the courage to ask him to meet up with me in person and eat sushi together. At first, he hesitates, I can tell he does not want to go to my house region because our house is so far apart. But I tell him, I will be the one who goes to the mall near his house. He agreed, and when the day came, my heart was beating so hard, and super hungry too. I don't have the energy to talk, so I apologize for staying quiet during our meal together. After we ate, he asked me "Why do you want to see me in person?". I tried to explain, saying "I have a target of a total of 5 people I want to meet up with in person, so I can learn to see colors in my black-and-white world, and I want to get to know you better," I said. I think he gets it, and he starts to tell me the story of his life and his family. He was very open and did not hesitate to tell me almost all his secrets. He tells me that I am the first extended family to know the story. I sat there quietly listened to his rants, and felt sad hearing his past. In my heart, I was glad he wanted to open up to me too, so it's not a one-sided friendship, but at the same time, I was super confused about what to say, or do when there was someone in front of you being super vulnerable. I was doing my best to not make him feel bad, and tell him that what we have is a safe place, no judgment. I was glad to finally have a friend. He is the very first one I let into my world, even when I am terrified of it.
His grandmama was visiting to see all of her children, and my mother wanted to see her. So, my mom, and my uncle together drove to my mother's cousin's house (the place where the grandmama stayed). When we were still on the way, I chatted with him and asked if he would come or not. He said he will try if he can. So, I just assume that he is not coming. But to my surprise be came. He said "I said I'll try, so here I am", it was nice seeing him again, but not at a funeral this time. When I was there that day, my mindset was so messed up, because I just freshly opened up a very old wound, so I was not stable and on the verge of crying. When there are no other people, we are waiting for, we start to eat together. After dinner, he started playing the piano, I sat next to him and asked him if I could chat with him. "I still have 30 minutes before I have to go to my band rehearsal," he said. Please note that I was in a state of wanting to scream my mind out. So, because of that, I told him about my past, specifically about my trauma of sexual abuse when I was just a little girl. And said that the people who did it were in our family, it was my uncle. He goes quiet and keeps playing the piano, but with a face full of perplexity. "it's not who I think it is right? Right?" he said it twice. Then I answered "no", and he was relieved. And after that, he said that even if the ones who did it were family members, I had the right to cut them off, and didn't need to pretend that everything was okay, and nothing had ever happened. Just don't listen to the one who doesn't understand you. I had mixed feelings, because it feels good to have someone care about you, but not enough time to talk more with him. I felt like the 30 minutes went by quickly.
I was still not satisfied talking to him, so I forced my mom and my uncle to drive me to meet him again in person. When I arrived, I could see that he was not eager to see me again, I think he was already exhausted from helping me. But I pushed him hard, because the place was loud, sat next to him and tried to talk to him, but carefully, so no one could hear what I said to him. I felt like I needed to tell him who was the one who assaulted me. I told him, and he just listened, and after 1 minute of silence, he said "I don't think he meant to assault you, he must have a reason why". I was so hurt by those words of his. I was disappointed, and angry too. But I did not show it to him. The only thing I said was "Thank you for listening to me".
That night I cried until I fell asleep. I did not call him anymore or chatted him, because I felt like I was being betrayed by the person whom I trusted and was close with.
I don't remember when it is exactly, but I message him a long rant of the reason why I am mad at him. He freaked out and said that he did not hurt me, and he was super confused because at that time I said "Thank you" to him, so he did not understand me at all. And he felt like I was accusing him of taking sides with the people who assaulted me (the funny thing is, that is want I am trying to tell him). He does not want the drama, so we stop communicating.
I feel like I messed up, and even though I am truly mad at him, I was sad to lose a friend.
The next year came, and my cousin was getting married, so I was preparing myself for what to do when I saw him again. Because I know he will be there. When I arrived at the church, I saw him first, and I just ignored him. But to my surprise, he saw me and asked if I had already eaten. I said "yes", and nodded to him. When the party started, and everyone trying to find somewhere to sit, he saw me again and called me to sit next to him. I sat down and apologized to him for what I said that made you mad. He was cool with it. After that even though it was still so awkward, I was relieved to be able to talk to him again. At that party, I can still sense that he is giving me a much bigger space than before. But I know the reason why, so I don't want to think about it anymore, it's all in the past for me. Just because he was nice to me a little bit, and forgave me, my mind still plays the encounter on replay. I am weird like that. Overthinking about all of the little things, and thinking it's a sign or something. I was lost in my mind, and I decided to take the very wrong turn. I chat with him again in the middle of the night. Saying that I like him romantically. My hands were shaking.
I pressed the sent button. And wait for his reply. In my head, I would be rejected, but at least let me down easily and I would be free from these "feelings" I have for him. But the opposite happened. He was furious, and said, "What the F? We are cousins, you are my sister". "I know," I said, "But if we are not cousins, do you like me back?" He was very uncomfortable with my questions, and he said, "Nope, not at all, I have a specific type, and you are not one of them". After that conversation, he never wants to talk to me again. Even when I am sending him all of the possible messages, from apologizing repeatedly to him to just playing like what I said never happened. And none of them work. This time I messed up even more than before. And a simple apology cannot do anything. Because I am the type of person who can't take a hint, (the big red flag, and not taking the hint that he does not want to talk to me), I keep sending him messages. And he never replies back or even reads it. Then I saw that he blocked me on WhatsApp, so I messaged him in Instagram DM, saying "Please just tell me straight that you don't want to talk to me anymore". Then he answers a couple of hours later, "Yes, I am very uncomfortable". I read the notifications and did not open the DM, I just went straight to the unfollow button and removed him from my followers. I chose to stop all of my efforts to mend what I had ruined. I was devastated to lose a close friend because of the mistakes I made. I was so sad that only him that I thought about.
Even though I told myself to just stop it and not do anything anymore, I went and talked to my uncle (his father), and told him what had happened and the ruined relationship with his son. I told the condensed version of the story, and get straight to the point, and tell him that it's all my fault, so don't get mad at him, I said. He (my uncle) was surprised but remained calm, I don't know how it is possible, but he just calmly told me that, I could never be with him, because we are still a family, and that he would talk to his son, so that the condition can at least died down, and not full of fire. I can't believe that my uncle was not mad at me, even after what I did to his son.
After all the drama that had happened, I was avoiding him, and he was avoiding me too. So, we don't see each other, because it's too exhausting to pretend that the relationship has not gone. But I feel a push of wanting to send him a letter, a handwritten letter, which I put in an envelope, and I ask my uncle to do me a favor, to help me give the letter to him. I told my uncle "Please tell him, it's your choice to read it or not". I was lucky that my uncle was very kind to me, he helped me to make peace with the situation. Now I am already in the stage of completely moving on from him. But, after I heard the news that he has a girlfriend now, I was back to feeling sad, and jealous. Mainly because he looks so happy without me in his life. For a couple of days was hard, but after that, I was just relieved that he was not the "one" for me. I learn to not depend on my happiness to a boy.
Now every time we accidentally encounter each other, I would stop talking, and not greet him, just completely ignoring him. But if he is the one who chooses to greet me, I'll take it without saying anything back. That is what I am comfortable with. Making a large space for him.
What is it that makes me attracted to him? I ask myself. And from what I see, he is my opposite. He is smart, kind, and good with people, fun to be around, goofy but sweet. In the letter I wrote to him, I told him that I admire you, but I was confused with the feeling of being romantically attracted to you. I like you as my brother, and nothing more. I am sad stupidly losing my brother. So, I hope you accept my apologies, with you reading this letter, that means I have a chance of forgiveness, at least that is what I think. But I will never know.