Love life? What does my love life look like? Umm, I could say nothing has changed in the past years. I would fall in love deeply and be heartbroken in the highest way. Crush I had long ago, in my primary school years, always with someone who was out of reach and a big red flag. And now I am becoming a young adult, thinking what is the difference between then and now? And again, the answer is nothing. That sounds so gloomy, right? Sorry, anybody who is reading this book might expect a good old romantic love story, that can have a wholesome ending that melts your hearts. But I am going to tell you, this book is not it.

But in this story, it's like you are in a hat shop and trying out which hat just fits right, complements you, and sometimes can protect you as well.

My first crush was with my math teacher, I was just in grade 3 and I don't know, or I don't remember why I was attracted to him, but I was fascinated by him. My heart skips a beat, and I like the attention he gives me when I am in a state of tantrum. I was not an easy kid to raise. Because I was such a troubled little kid, sometimes he would pay extra attention and want to help me, and talk to me more, and I would like it, so every time I was out of control, I would expect him to come to me, and calm me down. That is not a very good pattern of thoughts to have, and I regret all of these things that happen and the choices I make with my impulsive brain. I did not want to keep daydreaming about him anymore, it was going out of control sometimes, and I would replay the things he said to me. But with time I learned that these "feelings" I had were not something I wanted to continue, because first of all the age differences, and he was already married, and thirdly I was just a very little kid, with a head full of fantasy. So, I decided to kill the feelings I had for him, by making distance from him. After a couple of months, I was already changing school, and never be able to see him again. That is the end of my crush on him.

There was one more crush I had at the same time as my math teacher, and it was my uncle, my father's sister's husband. I was, like before, having "feelings" and my heart skipped a beat too. But it ended the more I got to know him, seeing him as a person, and the personality he has, my crush feelings were gone, just like that. I was just blinded and over my head. Thank God, it's all gone now, the feelings I had for them. First, I thought it would always be with me because that was my first taste of feelings some kind of "love" if you want to call it that.

The next attraction I had after 3rd grade, was with a boy who sat next to me at school in Kuala Lumpur. It was weird, because for some kind of reason, I was attracted to him, and this time he was around my age, but he somewhat bullied me, teased me, and thank God it was not severe, but I was wondering why I like the "attentions" he gave to me, even though he was only playing around every time he is with me. And because of a bunch of reasons, I was only in that school for like a week. I did not have the mental strength to be there and do my studies. Now I am seeing a pattern that the big red flags on guys, were something I ignore.

I don't know who can I tell this kind of embarrassing "feelings" to. That seems too much for me, being confused and dumb all at the same time.

After one year and a half, I was in Kuala Lumpur, and I came back to Indonesia, Jakarta. My social circle and social life did not exist. But a couple of years later this one day, I don't remember exactly, I think it was around July or August, we got the news that my cousins from my mother's side of the family; grandmother just had died. I knew her, but I'm not that close to her, only that I knew her a little bit, so to be honest I did not know how to accept the sad news. I was still adjusting to being in Jakarta again, and my extended family was flying to Jakarta for the funeral. So, I got to see a bunch of my big family, and ones I hadn't even met before, or at least I was only a small kid to remember them. I was still very uncomfortable around them because people expected me to be like this perfect child, so I was playing a role, and hiding my depression and anxiety where no one could see. Later that night when my girl's cousins and I were at the funeral home, from afar I saw everyone was excited seeing a family coming from far apparently, and my mother told me to greet them. But when I saw them, I did not recognize them at all. And there was a boy around our age who caught my attention. I was trying to play it cool and act like I didn't seem nervous. I then to be like that, if someone caught my attention I wouldn't know how to act, and because of that I would always feel inferior to them and already put them on a pedestal, and I know that is a ridiculous feeling to have, but that happens. Thank God I think I am getting better at finding out that I am more valuable than I even realize sometimes. So, when they were approaching us, one of my cousins said he looked like an Indian boy, because of a bit darker skin color he has than the rest of them. It was such a terrible thing to say, but I laughed with them because I was nervous to greet them. I was telling her to stop making me laugh and then we were all introduced and exchanged names, shaking their arms. After that, my mom told us that they are our family too, but we very rarely see them because they live out of Jakarta. My mom sits close to that boy, that is my cousin she said, and telling us just how an amazing musician he is. I was curious so I looked at him, and saw him blushing and denying the compliment my mom gave to him. It was cute. A couple of hours later we went home, and the funeral services were still in an arrangement meeting, so tomorrow we would be going back to the funeral home.

Tomorrow came and I did not give too much thought about what happened at night when we wanted to go home earlier than our parents, we saw them again, and were told to excuse ourselves before going back home. Then the next day was the funeral service, I saw him holding an instrument and sitting there with the musicians for the whole day, playing music for the service. He played beautifully, and my girl's cousins complimented him so much saying he was handsome and all that, even more, because he could play an instrument, we were all joking and laughing a lot. We were not being considered by the other family who was grieving. My eyes would sometimes draw to him, so I had mixed feelings, because the big red flag he had on top of his head, was so big, I would hate myself for having attraction to him. I was screaming inside, saying he was my cousin and technically my brother. When we were told to hand out food and water to people there, I was trying to not look at him and just ignore him, even though my eyes wanted to look at him more. But I can sense that he is too observing me, I mean us, and wanting to know us better, because we are family. After that, we were on our way to the burial park. There the services went well and everybody was tired. We had a big photo session and then went home. I still like to think about them sometimes, but after a while, I forget about him. Later that year my mom said that a bunch of the family I don't even know were going to this big gettering somewhere, a party you can say. But because I was sick, I didn't want to go even more. So, I stayed home.

The new year was coming to greet us, so my mom decided to throw a party, and he came to my house. I was shocked by him being here because I was already not thinking about him again. After he went inside the house, I was being my awkward self and shook his hand and squeezed it hard, I don't even know why and said "Long time no see" to him. I could see that he was sick with flu, and did not know anyone much in this house, so my girl's cousins were teasing him, and we all laughed together, he seemed to get along with everyone quite easily, he is an extrovert, and have that charisma than draw people to him. I think a year later, there was another party, I know, I know my family loves to throw a party and have an excuse to see each other more. I guess that is kind of sweet of them, to want to be close to each other. We are so lucky to have such a big family.

In January after New Year's, we got to see each other again, but this time my other cousins were late to the party or were not in Jakarta, so I was alone, there was no one around my age, so I sat beside my aunt. When the priest giving a sermon, suddenly they came, and that boy too. Late to the party and quietly grab a sit. They all was behind me, so I was not trying too hard to seem desperate to meet him, I greeted them first and stretched my arm to them to wave "Hi", but suddenly he reached for my hands and we shook hands. To my surprise, he then sits next to me the whole sermon. I was nervous because I didn't know him much at all. We only see each other a couple of times and I was not much of a talker. But after the sermon was over, I was trying to be brave and commented on how fast he was typing on his phone. He was on his phone and I teased him for it, he became embarrassed because he was chatting with a girl he liked. And then I was curious about their whole family. So, I talk to them more than I ever did before. I was still an awkward kid, so I did say some extremely embarrassing stuff, but at the same time, he too was saying random stuff, and trying to make me laugh. And I'm sure it did work, and I kind of find that he is a wired fellow like me too but a fun one, a fun one to have around. Like always I would regret talking to anyone, and in my head, that night was just the things I feel that is wrong to say or to do. Overthinking all of it. Almost every day I would replay the word I had said and hate myself for it.

Then February came, my birthday month, I am depressed like every year I am. The intrusive thoughts I had were killing me, and my extended family from my father's side, was celebrating my birthday, but it did not feel like it, it was more like an "ambush". So, I cried the whole night after they told me that I would never be good enough in their eyes. I was trying to hold back my tears so hard that day, and everything came out when I was about to go to sleep. Then at almost midnight, I get a phone call from him, my bro cousin. I was surprised and thought he was butt-dialing me or was with his friends and wanted to prank me. I don't know why but, I always assume the worst from people. I answered the phone call and said "hello" " He wished me happy birthday and then played his instrument to play the happy birthday song for me. I was completely confused and did not think it was true and I was speechless. Because I was so sad and was praying to God to help me, in my head I was just thanking Him, because I felt like God was giving me a hug to remind me, that I was not alone in this battle inside my head. All I did was say how sweet of him to play me a birthday song, and I cried when he was playing the song, but he did not hear me crying. I say thank you a bunch of times. And he still wanted to keep talking to me, but I was not in the right state of mind, I was not responding nicely, only a one-word reply. I don't think he noticed anything wrong, and I was too playing it cool, hiding myself, even though I wanted to cry at that exact moment. I did not think much about it, because I have a lot on my mind, and grateful God is still there with me when I need Him the most.

The next encounter with him was at a house party, and I was late to the party, then he said that he had been waiting for us, me and my cousins, to arrive. I was awkward like always because if I didn't know someone for long, I would overthink everything and be silly and feel very exhausted trying to not mess it all up. So, at first, I was only looking at my phone, and he would try so hard to get me to talk to him, and be present at that party.

I was trying to wait for my girl's cousins to help me because I did not feel comfortable talking to them, so I looked like a fool. He has the quirkiest jokes, and mostly It was so cheesy too. It makes me laugh but wanting to throw up hearing his terrible pick-up lines.

And then learned that he does song covers on YouTube, I would watch it, and think it was lovely, he is multi-talented I think to myself, someone I can look up to.

In the beginning of March I think, between February and March my mom's cousin died suddenly, without any warning. Everyone was shocked by his sudden death, no one was prepared for it. And he is the uncle of the boy I have been wanting to not let my heart fall for.

After the news later that night we went to my distant uncle who had died, and I was preparing myself to see all of my extended family, everyone was so sad, and apparently, he came a bit later than I did. So, when I was about to sit down, I saw him hugging the body of his uncle, who was lying down and covered with white sheets. He was crying so hard, and I saw him from afar. Later when he was a bit calmer, he went to the piano and played a few songs for us all. I was still just sitting down and looking at my phone, but I don't know why I got up and tried to find the courage to say hello to him and tell him "I am sorry for your loss". But I did not say anything, I only hugged him and no words came out of my mouth. Thankfully he accepted the hug I gave him, so it was not that awkward, and he said "Happy belated birthday" to me, and I said "Thank you", then left him alone.

That night he sat next to me and tried to start up a conversation with me and the people around us too. All I did was listen to him telling the story of what had happened to our uncle. I was so sad and terrified, I did not like hearing it. A couple of hours later, we went back home, and there was still one more night of meeting before the funeral services began. But I was not feeling good, my mind was racing, and could not get myself out of my anxiety and my depression was getting bad again, it was going up, up, and up, like a helium balloon. So, I stayed at home that night. I was only thinking of myself that night, I was so selfish.

"Tomorrow I will come with," I said to my parents, and they agreed, so the next day came, and the night before it was very hard for me to fall asleep, I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking about how am I going to greet all of my extended family with this brain of mine? We woke up early and went there again, it was a very long drive to get there. I saw him from afar, and the service began, there was a time when we greeted and hugged all of the family members who my distant uncle left behind, they all were grieving so hard that they kept screaming, blaming themself for his death, and I was such a terrible thing to hear. At the end of the line, he was there, and when I going to hug him too, but I don't know why, he did not move, so I was only standing over there being ignored. I was confused, so I just stood there like a fool, and embarrassed if I was being the center of attention in the funeral service. But, after like a minute gone by, he looked at me with his doe eyes, and hugged me, then cried so hard, that I did not expect him to be venerable to me like that.

I comforted him and could say nothing, the hug lingered for quite a long time. After that I was overwhelmed by all the sadness, I sensed all around me. But I didn't want that day to be about me, so I just sat down and because I was on the edge that day, even though I wanted to behave, I still argued with my parents, I don't remember what it was about, but you can see it in my face just how grumpy I am really. Out of nowhere, he walked up to me and I was surprised he was playing with my hair bangs, and it was like telling me to "calm down sis", I was embarrassed he saw me angry and then he wanted me to scoot over, and gave him the seat next to me. He sat down and started to eat, telling me to eat too. He said "I am so hungry, my hands are shaking", I became honest with him and said "My hands too", and showed him my hands that were shaking like crazy. But I believe he knows it's not because of me being hungry, but it's because of my anxiety, or at least that is what I think I guess, because his face changed when he saw my hands. So, I think he knows I am hiding something behind my smile.

We talked, and for a while he was eating, and it was nice, getting to know him better, I was a lot more comfortable with him than I was before, so we just talked and laughed together, I was trying my best to keep up with him, and be a "normal" cousin to him.