She knows that staring is rude and she also knows that if looked correctly once into her eyes, he would be able to tell that she's in love with him.
But then again, when did he ever look into her eyes? She's so close to him yet she was at the farthest corner of the earth.
"He looks so peaceful while sleeping," is what she thought but sleep wasn't written in her fate.
How could she sleep when he was this close? How could she sleep when he's finally letting her come close? And oh no, don't misunderstand this closeness for the one people share only during sex, it was something else.
Something she never experienced before, something she craved for. Her house was finally feeling like a home.
She knew that it was temporary. Once he opens his eyes, everything's going to be gone.
She knew that it wasn't something she was going to experience every day but her traitor heart couldn't help but daydream.
Daydream of living in the same house as him, daydream of waking up to his face every day, daydream of raising kids together.
"Would anybody ever want you as the mother of their kids?" Her brain questioned.
"Why won't they?" Her heart replied.
"Nobody wants a used item. Nobody wants someone without any self-respect, someone who sells their dignity every day, someone who's not mentally stable, someone who's nothing on her own, someone who's so unworthy of love that not even once person bothered looking at her with soft eyes, someone who's so insecure that she wants to die every day," her brain was sobbing by the end.
"He deserves better," her heart whispered.
She's so insecure that she doesn't bother questioning her brain," Why won't they? Wasn't he the one who took her dignity? Wasn't he the same guy with whom she had been sleeping? Wasn't he the one who offered her this job? Why is it that her dignity and self-respect were gone and his one was intake and he deserves better? Why wasn't she deserving of him? Didn't she give enough?"
How would she face the world when she couldn't face her inner demons?
"Nivea," he whispered softly and her heart crashed oh so violently.
Her lips quivered, eyes filled up with tears but she didn't dare sobbing or letting her tears fall.
What a weird thing love was, she couldn't cry due to the love she had for her mother but at the same time, the love she had for him was tearing her apart.
At that moment she wondered whether she should have believed when one mad woman told her that love only brings pain.
That woman was clearly in pain, she was clearly falling apart yet the only thing she would whisper was," Jasper, I love you. Please don't give me more pain."
She thought that woman was indeed mad. How could love ever be painful?
Her parents were clearly happy despite having nothing because at the end of the day, they had each other.
But she didn't know that she wasn't going to be as lucky as her parents.
"Oh, what I would do for you to love me back, even if that's one drop compared to what I have for you," she said, remembering the day when she saw him for the first time.
Flashback
Year 2014,
15 years old Heaven was the mixture of an introvert and an extrovert. She didn't like talking to new people but people who knew her knew that she was nothing less than a clown.
She's the most chill person out there. She could fall in a crocodile's mouth and she would still shout, "I am doing perfectly fine and I am going to get out of this, no matter what!"
And this habit of her's connected their paths.
"If you are so brave then go and bring a bottle of alcohol from the old mansion," one of her classmates said, tired of everyone praising Heaven for her courage.
"But I heard the mafia lives there. The Italian ones and they kill whoever goes there," another one said, mentally imagining what would happen if anyone ever found out that he was a part of all of these.
He didn't want to die at this young age.
"You are a party pooper. If you continue being this scared of everything then you will never be able to do anything great in life," someone else from the group said.
"So, are you going or not?" That girl from earlier said.
"But we are not old enough to drink," Heaven said. She wasn't the good child of her parents but she knew that if her parents caught her drinking then she could kiss her life bye.
"Who's asking you to join? I only told you to bring."
"But you are also 15 like me."
"I am also Russian, and?" That girl said with a bored expression before taking out a can of beer from her bag.
The other kids around her gasped.
"If any teacher catches then you are gone," Heaven said, clearly looking disgusted.
"So much for being the bravest kid," she mocked.
"Being brave and breaking rules are two different things."
"Oh darling, you are still so young and have so much to learn. If you knew how this world works then you would make your own laws and rules to continue living, otherwise, it's only surviving,a rat race. Easier for you to say such great heroic things, you would know if you were living my life," she chuckled but there's nothing cheerful about it.
At that moment, Heaven felt like the girl before her was way older her. She even looked older. Was this the stress, trauma, or simply genes, she doesn't know.
"I will do it, don't worry," saying this she started to move.
"Be careful on your way. The guys there are pretty hot, you might end up forgetting why you went there."
"I am not like you, huh."
"I know, I am better than you and everybody else."
Heaven scoffed at her confidence but didn't bother replying.