I try not to wince at the awful name; it helps that I'm terrified of what the Hat will see. He does claim to keep what he learns a secret, but seeing as how the damned thing talks...how hard would it be for Dumbledore to get a secret this big out of it?
I swallow roughly and make my way forward in the silence of the Great Hall.
I imagine the Hat being placed on my head and spilling my secrets, but then a mildly comforting thought occurs to me.
Who would believe a hat about me? McGonagall would probably set it on fire.
With a bit more confidence I turn and seat myself facing the crowd. "Oof..." I flop down a little harder than I mean to, because the stool is so low to the ground.
The display elicits a few scattered laughs, and I feel my face flush in embarrassment but smile through it.
"Well, what do we have here, a dimensional traveller, eh? What's this? Oh...OH! Oh my, this is quite interesting. A fictional character in a fictional universe, am I? And what is..."
Suddenly the Hat starts laughing hysterically. And I mean hysterically. Not just in my head, either...I can hear it laughing externally as well. It's such a contagious laugh I can't help but chuckle myself.
"Oh my," it says when it finally calms down. -"Oh my, that is delectable. I wish there were more stories about me in your head like that, though surely you realize as an enchanted article of clothing I am neither male nor female?
Oh well, in any case...I must dutifully Sort you, but I suppose you know where you're going?
Thought so.
Before you go, I feel I must point out that, without the delicious memories you have of our entire existence, you'd have probably been Sorted into Ravenclaw.
No? Well, some of your misgivings about me are quite unfounded â€" yes, several pieces of fanfiction have indeed gotten that right: I am quite unable to share what I've learned, even if I tried.
Not even the headmaster can wheedle information about students out of me, and he has certainly tried.
But your other misgivings are not. Yes, I suspect either one of the two Legilimency masters at this school could pick this information from you, even with your current abilities at Occlumency, though I'm not entirely certain they would maintain their sanity.
Yes, I suggest you work on that, though it will be difficult without a Legilimens.
Also, I see the canonical future, which I assume you're going to change?
Yes, I see the terrible things that would have transpired had you not appeared, and I don't disagree that it could be better.
But I must implore you to be careful, Mr. 'Lerner' â€" yes, I see your real name.
But think about this: what if you make it worse?"-
(From "oh my" it was all one dialogue from the hat.)
The hat finally pauses and the message sinks in. Oh. Shit.
"Right then. GRYFFINDOR!"
~~~~~~~
"It's brilliant that you're with us, mate," Ron says when I join them at the Gryffindor table, after Dumbledore's pre-meal speech is out-of-the-way and the food appears. "But that Hat went completely nutters there for a minute."
"What did you do?" Hermione asks.
I smile. "I told it a joke, or rather, I thought of a joke and it picked it from my brain."
"You didn't!" Hermione says, aghast. I smile wider. "You can't do that! It's a...it's aâ€""
"What's this?" A voice to my right asks.
"A prankster arrives and dares challenge us?" A second voice, identical to the first, asks from my left. I don't even need to look to know it's the currently Sixth Year Weasley twins.
"Not even Fred and George got that much of a reaction," a third, feminine voice cut in. Angelina Johnson or Alicia Spinnet, I figure. Were they even different in the books?
"Challenge accepted!" the twins say together.
Ah, hell, now I've done it.
"My brothers, Fred and George," Ron says in introduction, waving a half-eaten roll in their general vicinity and spraying everybody with crumbs.
"Unfortunately," they both say. They really must practice the unison thing, though I get the sense they lament certain relatives often, too.
"So, did I miss anything or am I up by one for the year?" I ask with a smile.
Fred and George rear up as if slapped, and a sizable radius of students bursts into laughter.
"Making the Hat go barmy? Fair first try, I admitâ€"" Fred says. Or maybe it was George.
"â€"but not good enough to keep up with us," says the other.
Hermione scoffs and shakes her head. "Boys!"
After a bit more playful boasting on their part, punctuated by various stories of previous pranks, I realize I'm starving and dig into the food.
In short order Dumbledore is back up at the podium. I remember what's coming, now.
"So! Now that we are all fed and watered, I must once more ask for your attention, while I give out a few notices."
My eyes go glassy as he goes on to list new forbidden items, repeats the warning of the Forbidden Forest, and reiterates that Hogsmeade is closed to First and Second Years.
"It is also my painful duty to inform you that the inter-house Quidditch Cup will not take place this year." I flinch away from Ron in time to avoid being sprayed with food.
I'm distracted by whispered exclamations of disgust so I don't see another teacher enter the Hall.
"Ah yes, may I introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Professor Moody."
My blood runs cold.
Suddenly this doesn't feel much like fun and games anymore. Is that already an impostor?
I think back to Goblet of Fire, which I've read at least three times, trying to remember if JKR hinted at it this early.
I'm jolted out of my reverie by an elbow to my ribs.
"You alright, mate?" Harry asks from across the table. Hermione, sitting next to him, looks concerned.
"Kinda spaced out there, mate," Ron says. "You're thinking of entering, too, are you?"