Once evacuated out of my brother's bedroom, my feet hurriedly carry me down the wooden floor across the hallway towards the staircase. Just as I am passing by my younger siblings' room, I hear some conversation coming through the door, too muffled to comprehend.
Curiosity gets the better of me and I lean my ear against the door to listen in on what my mum is saying to the twins. Probably scolding them for tonight. Still, I am unable to hear anything. So, instead of opening the door and potentially getting reprimanded, I merely head downstairs to check what my father is making for dinner.
Before allowing the night to embrace me in sleep, I check my phone, surprised to see that I have one new message. The name on my screen unconsciously makes me softly smile before I brusquely shake my head to tame my expression. The text reads, Don't forget to bleach your brain before you go to bed.
My lips twitch into yet another grin as I contemplate what I should tell him in return. Nervously, I type out, I like you. My finger hovers above the send button and I gnaw on my bottom lip painfully.
Should I send it? How would he even react? The last time I confessed to having feelings for him, he merely blinked at me blankly and then proceeded to leisurely stroll away from me. This time, it's different though, right? Blowing a raspberry past my lips, I defeatedly lay back into the comforts of my bed. My phone hovers above my face, the blue light kissing my face.
This time I have a feeling he might actually feel the same way and not deliriously. I mean, we have kissed twice and both times, he initiated said kisses. We didn't even talk about that, the fact that he kissed me twice. We sort of just brushed past it as if it wasn't something worth speaking about. Is it not plaguing him as well? What about the other day, when he asked me, who said he rejected me? Reading between the lines, that means…
My phone vibrates in my hand and I almost drop it on my face.
Coming down from my shock, I read the notification of a message from Kai.
Thankful for this distraction, I quickly delete the I like you message that I was about to send to Dominic and would have probably lived to regret for the rest of my life before opening the new message.
I'm thinking of buying a dog.
In my excitement, I immediately call Kai. The second he picks up, I demand, "What kind of dog?"
"Okay, hello to you too," he replies and I don't miss the amusement in his tone.
"Sorry, hello. It me, Seong Jin. I'm under the water," I reply playfully, feeling a familiar flutter in my chest at the sound of his warm and inviting voice as he lowly chuckles at my unfunny joke. "I hope I'm not disturbing you."
"Not at all. I was just about to call it a night after my shift at work."
"You have a job?"
"Mm-hmm. I have bills to pay, you know? This university life is not cheap, I'll tell you that. Sometimes my mum is unable to pay my tuition on time and I don't want to be a bother to my brother by constantly hassling him on it."
"I didn't know you had an older brother."
"Yeah, I tend to not... speak about him."
I want to pry a bit into that, but instead of doing so I curiously question, "What kind of dog are you thinking of getting?"
"I was thinking something cute like a Yorkshire Terrier or a little Beagle. I know I'm probably only gonna keep it for about a week before sending it over to Shoreditch so my mum can look after it for me because of school, but yeah. What do you think?"
"Yes," I exclaim, bobbing my head too thrilled to think.
Again, he chuckles at my reaction and then laughingly he asks, "Yes to what?"
"Yes to everything," I stutter out.
"Okay," he murmurs and I can still hear his tiny chortle escaping him, his cute snorting soft in the background and I bite down on my bottom lip when the smile on my face widens. After coming down from his humour, he genuinely muses, "How are you?"
His question catches me off guard for some reason and weirdly this warm feeling flutters around in the pits of my abdomen and then all the way down to my toes. Narrowing my gaze at them, I swiftly curl them almost scoldingly. "I'm okay. How about you? Did you get enough rest last night?"
A noise of affirmation stays behind his throat and then he quietly thanks me for helping him sleep with my soothing, song-sounding voice to which I respond with an amused statement about him agreeing with me when I asked him if that was just his long way of describing my voice as boring. No matter how hard he tries to convince me that that was sleep deprivation talking, I refuse to believe him.
"How is the photography portfolio for the university coming along by the way?"
I inhale deeply and exhale slowly, taking a moment to gather my thoughts and compose myself before I speak. "The portfolio is coming along... progressing, albeit slowly. To be honest with you, I have been struggling to find the time to approach the students responsible for the school's newspaper to enquire about any additional assistance required in the photography department. And I have yet to capture the ideal photograph that will truly capture the essence of my vision."
"You'll figure it out. I believe in you."
"How exactly did you manage to get into Oxford?"
A soft chuckle echoes through the line, sending delightful shivers down my spine. "Why do you sound so surprised that I was able to get into Oxford?"
"No, it's an incredible accomplishment and I do not doubt that you were able to get in through your own means. I'm not trying to say you bought your way in or anything. I don't even know why I'm even mentioning that."
Again, his laughter comes through my device. "Well, I would be lying if I said my brother's connections had nothing to do with me successfully getting into the university but my grades were also not the worst. I will say this though, it was not easy, especially after the gap year I took."
"Did you have to do extracurricular activities or did you do that at school?"
"Nope, I didn't go through what you are going through right now with them requiring you to do some extracurricular activities."
"Maybe it's because of my major."
"I honestly don't know what more they expect out of you. If your grades were impressive they should have just accepted you."
"Apparently there were about thirty four other candidates who received the same results as me. They probably also had extracurricular stuff they did to impress Mrs Freon and the faculty."
"Oh, then you better start searching for that perfect shot quickly."
"Yeah..." I murmur, my eyes widening at the realisation. "It does not help that I am kind of second guessing my major. My mum sort of pushed me to apply to medicine."
"What is your actual passion? Photography?"
"Fashion design," I respond. "But she does not really see that as a legitimate career, more like a hobby."
"You should have stuck to your guns and pursued your passions no matter what. I know so many people in uni who are living in misery because they picked the career their parents wanted for them and they regret it now."
"So I'm guessing Astronomy is your passion," I state without even having to ask.
"Oh, I'm a fucking slut for space."
At his wording, I find myself bursting into quiet giggles and I hear the low murmur of his laughter coming through the device.
"But for as long as I can remember, I have always been intrigued by not only space but the universe as a whole. I grew up watching the likes of Neil deGrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan. Whenever I would get back home from school, the first thing I did was watch NOVA ScienceNow."
"Is it?"
"Yeah, I was the sort of weird kid who would lie down in the grass late at night, contemplating how inconceivably ginormous the galaxy is and how much we still have yet to discover. Will we ever unravel it all?"
As he recounts his tale to me about his childhood and passions, I feel myself being transported into his mind and I cannot help imagining him as a kid, excitedly dashing into the living room and turning the telly on to watch a show about space.
I listen intently, hanging on his every word, mesmerised by the passion and determination that flickers in his voice. With each shared memory, I find that I know him just a little better than I used to, drawn to his zest for discovering life and unwavering optimism which casts a radiant light in the darkness of the night.
At some point, our conversation strays to a random topic and I'm rubbing my fist into my eye tiredly. When I catch a glimpse of the time in the corner of my eye, I'm shocked to see how late it is. I'm definitely going to be tired at school tomorrow. I didn't realise we'd been talking for so long.
I blink up at the stars on my ceiling and then curiously ask, "What's something you really regret? Like when you look back at it, you just wish you hadn't done that thing."
Dauntingly silence responds to my question and with my eyebrows slowly drawing down in confusion, I pull the phone away from my ear and hold it up over my face to see if he maybe accidentally hung up. No, he's still on the line. Did he perhaps fall asleep abruptly without meaning to?
Eventually, I hear his voice through the call and he sheepishly muses, "Am I allowed to not answer that?"
"I mean, you're allowed to do whatever you want to do."
"No, it's just that I don't wanna lie to you, but at the same time, I'm not prepared to tell you the truth just yet so…"
Reluctantly, I ask, "Is it because you don't trust me?"
"Well partly yes, because we barely know each other even though sometimes it feels like I have known you longer than I actually have."
"I thought I was the only one that felt that way," I mutter to myself with a sense of relief washing over me from his words.
It is a strange feeling yet comforting at the same time. Maybe it's because we always seem to meet in such peculiar ways. Whether it was a chance encounter at a coffee shop, a random conversation on the phone or a coincidental run in at a diner, it always feels like there is something more to our interactions. Despite the strangeness of it all, there is a sense of familiarity that I can't quite place.
"Uh no, I don't think it is a matter of trust. It's more so the fact that I'm sort of… no, not sort of, I am ashamed of it. I don't want the way you think of me to change because of it."
"So if you could go back would you choose not to do it again?"
"Yes and no, because I do regret doing it, but also I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through it. It's sort of like a double-edged sword. I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't like who I was back then, but I'm also happy with who I am today knowing how much I could hate myself. Does that even make sense?"
"Yeah," I whisper quietly and I don't realise that I'm biting onto the tip of my thumb until I flutter my eyes and clear my throat. "Yeah, it does."
"How long have we been on the phone?" he muses, the low grit in his voice unwittingly causing a shiver to run down my back and I glance over at my window to make sure that it's shut, no cold wind sneaking in, "It's so late."
"Yeah, I didn't realise how late it was. Okay, last question."
"I thought the last question was the last one," he points out.
"This one is, I swear," I too speak quietly to make sure that my parents don't hear me and then badger me about why I'm still awake.
When he responds with positive confirmation, the silence that follows is filled with unspoken truths. With the conversation drawing to a close, I feel a bittersweet longing gnawing at my insides. I realise that in Kai, I have found not just a friend but a kindred spirit whose presence illuminates my world in ways I could not have imagined.
"What," I pause for a moment as the nerves grip me and after swallowing a quick breath, I continue in a whisper, "What did you mean when you said you liked me too?"
The question after leaving my lips hang heavy in my room, their meaning still uncertain to me. His side of the call grows unnervingly quiet and his lack of response only serves to make me more anxious. I resort to gnawing on the nail on my thumb as my heart pounds in my chest. Never have I felt this way before—a sort of wave of contradictory feelings. Afraid, yet... hopeful?
"I don't want to say the wrong thing because I don't know what exactly you meant when you sent that, I like you text. It was very... unexpected."
There is a softness in his voice that exposes a vulnerability in him. A tenderness that sends a shiver down my spine. He tends to put up a playful front so I never know whether he is serious or merely taking the piss.
"All I can say is, I meant exactly what I said," he replies, his voice barely above a whisper. "I like you too. Do with that what you will, I guess."
My breath catches in my throat at hearing those words actually leaving his lips. No question mark this time. I hear him shuffling around through the device. I imagine he is trying to eliminate some discomfort from being in one position for so long. Then he stretches loudly before groaning tiredly.
"I'm really tired."
"Yeah, it is pretty late, isn't it?" I whisper, my voice soft with emotion.
The stars on my ceiling align to guide me on a journey of discovery. And as the moon dips below the horizon, my eyes slowly begin to flutter and a smile plays on my lips, knowing that the night has whispered a secret into the universe and a story waiting to be written.
After another round of silence, I softly say, "Alright, good night, Kai."
"G'night."