I needed supplies. Though shameful and terrible, I needed food for travel. To allow the people of this village to live peacefully, without me, I plundered the remaining crops.
I told myself that I had no choice, that this was not theft but an unasked for gift. Even if wanted to ask, they would avoid me. If I wanted to earn it, they would scorn me.
When I had gathered as much as I could carry, I stood and looked at the paltry count of rice. I probably only held enough for two- maybe three- nights.
That night, I tidied the hut of that Hiroshi let me borrow and left the village with my head hung low.
I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. There was no acceptance there, only the sins I festered. Without a clear sense of direction, I wandered aimlessly, hoping to find a road to lead me somewhere, anywhere I could belong.
Navigating this wilderness was a challenge. I had no memory of experience with traveling, let alone knowledge of how to survive. The first night, I tried to sleep under the shelter of a large tree, but the ground was cold and uncomfortable, and every sound made my heart race. I woke more exhausted than when I laid down.
The food I had repossessed from the village offered little comfort. I rationed it carefully, knowing it wouldn't last long. The grains were brittle and disgusting. I had not a clue why they would grow such poison.
The second day was no easier. My legs were sore and only growing more so. My feet were blistered and only growing more so.
The forest seemed to stretch longer than the world. The bamboo pressed in from all sides, making me feel small and lost. I tried to keep my bearings, using the position of the sun to guide me, but it was easy to lose track of direction in the maze of green.
Thirst became a constant companion. The small streams I occasionally stumbled upon were either dry or too muddy to drink from, but eventually one cares not for the state of water when they can barely stand.
On the third day, as I pushed through a particularly dense thicket, I emerged onto a rocky plateau. The sight before me took my breath away—not with awe, but with dread. I had reached the edge of a massive chasm, a deep, gaping wound in the earth that stretched as far as I could see in either direction.
The chasm was vast, its depths shrouded in shadow. The air around it was cooler, and a faint wind rose from its depths, carrying with it the scent of damp stone and something else, something faintly metallic and foreboding. The sheer size of it was overwhelming, and I felt a knot of fear tighten in my stomach.
I approached the edge cautiously, peering down into the abyss. The sides of the chasm were steep and jagged, with no visible path leading down or across. The other side was distant, almost impossibly so, and the idea of crossing seemed absurd. But as I stood there, I realized I had no other choice. The forest had led me here, and there was no turning back. To go back would be to return to the village and to the life I had rejected, and I knew that was not an option.
The idea of descending into the chasm and climbing... The edges too far apart to leap across. I was trapped. I sat down at the edge of the chasm, my legs dangling over the side, and tried to think. There had to be a way across.
The ground beneath my feet began to shift. A small, almost imperceptible tremor at first, then a sudden, violent lurch. I barely had time to register what was happening before the ledge crumbled away beneath me. The world tilted, and I was falling, the chasm swallowing me whole.
The descent was a chaotic blur of jagged rocks and rushing air. My arms flailed instinctively, trying to grasp at anything to slow my fall, but there was nothing but the cold, unforgiving void. My heart pounded in my chest, a wild, frantic rhythm that drowned out all other thoughts. I was tumbling into darkness, powerless to stop it.
The fall seemed to last forever, and yet, it was over in an instant. I hit the ground with a bone-jarring thud, the impact knocking the breath from my lungs. The world went dark for a moment, the shock of the fall numbing me to everything else.
I lay there, dazed, the silence of the ravine pressing in around me. Slowly, painfully, my senses returned. I blinked, trying to make sense of where I was. The pain came next, a dull ache radiating through my body, but nothing felt broken.
I forced myself to move, groaning as I pushed up onto my hands and knees. The ground beneath me was cold and hard, a mix of dirt and scattered rocks. Above, the walls of the chasm loomed, steep and unyielding, the narrow strip of sky far out of reach. The fall had been long and disorienting, but I was alive.
Once the initial shock wore off, I took stock of my situation. I had landed in the bottom of the ravine, surrounded by jagged rocks and thick shadows. The chasm was deeper than I had realized, its walls rising impossibly high. The air was damp and cool, with a faint, earthy smell that filled my nostrils.
I stood up slowly, testing my limbs for any serious injuries. My legs were shaky, but I could move. That was a small victory in itself. I brushed the dust off my clothes, wincing as I felt the bruises forming beneath the surface.
For a moment, I simply stood there. Now, I was actually trapped. I found a section of the wall where the rock appeared less smooth, where the uneven surfaces seemed to offer a potential route upward. Staying at the bottom of this chasm, waiting for starvation, was out of question. I took a deep breath.
I reached up, fingers grasping for a hold on the cold, wet rock. My muscles protested as I pulled myself up, feet scrambling to find purchase on the slippery surface. For a moment, I thought I had a good grip. I was just a few feet off the ground, the thought of rising to freedom giving me a surge of hope.
The rock crumbled beneath my fingers, and before I could react, I was tumbling back down, landing hard on the unforgiving ground below. Pain shot through my body as I hit the rocky floor, the air knocked out of my lungs. I lay there, gasping for breath, the bitter taste of failure settling in my mouth.
But I couldn't give up. Not yet. I forced myself to stand, wincing as my sore muscles protested. My hands were bleeding from the sharp edges of the rock, but I ignored the pain, determined to try again.
The second attempt was no better. I tried a different spot, one that looked more promising, but the moisture on the rocks made it impossible to maintain a grip. My foot slipped, sending me sliding back down, scraping my knees and hands as I went. I cried out in frustration, slamming my fist against the ground in anger.
Why was this so impossible? Why couldn't I find the strength to climb out of this nightmare?
I sat there for a moment, my head resting against the cold stone, trying to catch my breath. My body was trembling with exhaustion, every muscle aching from the repeated falls. But the fear of being trapped down here forever was stronger than the pain. I couldn't let this chasm defeat me.
With grim determination, I got to my feet again. My hands were shaking, my legs felt like they were made of lead, but I ignored it all. I reached up, grasping for a hold once more, pulling myself up inch by inch. This time, I managed to get higher than before, my heart pounding with hope. But as I reached for the next hold, my hand slipped on the wet surface, and I lost my grip.
The fall was harder this time. I landed awkwardly, my ankle twisting beneath me as I hit the ground. The pain was immediate and intense, and I couldn't hold back the cry that escaped my lips. Tears of frustration and pain welled up in my eyes, but I forced them back, refusing to give in to despair.
Lying there, my body screaming in protest, I couldn't help but feel the weight of hopelessness bearing down on me. How many times could I keep trying and failing? How long could I keep fighting before the chasm won?
But even as these thoughts circled in my mind, something deep within me refused to surrender. I had been through too much, survived too many trials to let this be the end. I took a deep breath, trying to push the pain to the back of my mind. The darkness inside me stirred again, that same strange energy that had both saved and cursed me before. I didn't want to rely on it, but I was out of options.
I focused on that energy, trying to channel it into something useful, something that could help me out of this situation. It was a desperate move, but I had nothing left to lose. The energy pulsed within me, cold and heavy, and I tried to shape it, to will it into something that could aid my climb.
Slowly, I felt the energy spread through my limbs, dulling the pain and giving me the strength to stand again. My twisted ankle still throbbed, but it was bearable. I approached the wall once more, my hands still trembling but now with a different kind of anticipation. I reached up, feeling the energy course through my arms as I grasped the rock.
With a deep breath, I began to climb again, this time using the energy to help me find grips, to push through the exhaustion. It wasn't easy. The rocks were still slick, the climb still perilous, and I slipped several times, barely catching myself before I could fall. But I kept going, inch by inch, pulling myself higher and higher.
But just when I thought I might make it, my grip faltered. My foot slipped on a slick patch of rock, and I felt myself falling again, the darkness below rushing up to meet me. The impact was brutal, knocking the wind out of me and leaving me gasping on the ground, the pain more intense than ever.
For a moment, I lay there, unable to move, my body throbbing with pain and defeat. I had failed again. And again. No matter how hard I tried, the chasm kept pulling me back down.
But even then, in that moment of utter despair, something within me refused to let go. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't let this be the end. I didn't know where this stubbornness came from, but it was there, a spark that refused to be extinguished.
I took a long, shuddering breath, pushing myself up onto my hands and knees. My body screamed in protest, my hands raw and bleeding, my ankle throbbing with pain, but I forced myself to stand. I had to keep trying. There was no other choice.