Adonai:
"Are you going to leave?"
The voices asked, meaning that right now I'm sleeping.
"Yes, there's nothing left for me here."
Debating if I should entertain them or not I decided to try and talk to them, after all I have nothing left to lose.
"We will follow you!" They said.
"I know."
I know they will not leave my side no matter what, after all, this is my guilt, my punishment.
"You will have to live with your own failure. Today... and forever."
…
"Enough, get lost." Another voice from inside me appeared.
This time I can see a physical form at least. Tall, long white hair, tattoos inscribed on his arms, and arms alone with forms that I can't figure out what they are. Almost normal human eyes, only that outside the blue pupil is full white. Long robe, with a hood covering his head, pure white robe and six bones(?) that stretch out of his back.
"So you can see me clearly now? Looks like that girl's death did a number on you."
But I was having none of it. No matter where I am these days, I always find myself tired and without motivation... without a purpose, just like before.
"Your name." I stated.
"Huh?"
"I demand your name and what you are first before we start talking."
I said in a serious tone and without a hint of hesitation, my eyes purely dead.
"You demand nothing of me, boy, and I'm not interested in keeping a conversation with you either. All I came here for is to dissipate the voices, they might make sleeping hell for you but they are also annoying to me."
...
"Then leave." I said.
"Arrogant child, shouldering a burden inflated by your own ego and sense of responsibility. You know you could've done nothing to prevent it from happening, Ragnarok told you as much."
Can he see the outside world through me? How does he know about my meeting with Ragnarok?
"Why didn't you step up?" I asked, and then continued "You're inside me, you've always been ... you said it yourself, you know my life like it's the palm of your hand yet you never stepped up to help us there. So why? Why the hell are you here now? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM ME?"
Rage... anger, the only two things I feel at this point and they surface at every possibility... Rationally I know screaming at this entity does absolutely nothing but I can't help it, I want to shift the blame, I want to lessen the burden...
"I'm not to blame for your incapability to defend yourself or someone else, so don't try to put this on me ... and to answer your question ... I had no obligation to."
"What!?"
"My only binding is to protect you, and that mechanism won't trigger unless you die in what would be an instant. If you bleed out I won't save you, if you are bedridden I won't save you, but if you die in an instant ... I'll save you, that's my vow."
And he turned to leave, just as I wanted.
"Before I go I'll answer one more question ... I was once an Angel… I'll see you on the day you die, boy."
And he left. Leaving me no choice but to wake up myself.
...
Today I will visit Stella and Maverick to tell them I'm leaving. I should get going.
"No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief." I muttered to myself, a quote an author left upon this world, and it reflects the reality of today.
Everyone's going with their day as usual, I can't expect them to behave differently anyway, there are too many people that die everyday, so why am I even thinking about this?
I'm not the center of the world, I'm not even the center of my world... She was the center of my world.
"Adonai, good to see you and I'm sorry ... I heard what happened."
Halo approached me, and I realized all this time I was looking down, so I lifted my head to face my friend.
"It's okay... the world will not stop for me to grief so I'll not either."
"That's ... a bittersweet smile you are putting on."
It might be true, but frankly speaking I don't really care. But now that he's here I could ask some questions.
"Are there any regulations when you teleport?" I asked Halo, as he has more experience than me.
"Hum? Generally speaking no, trade centered planets are free to go and in times of peace any planet if you visit or are planning to move or to cross. If you want to reach a destination you'll have to find a hub planet."
"A hub planet?" I asked, confused
But shortly after it hit me, I had a similar conversation before with that once was Angel inside me, the teleportation hub ... he asked me if I wanted to leave this planet before... Just how much does he know? And also he was quite moody today, before he was a bit more uh actually let's not think about it.
"Teleportation hubs are usually on trade center planets, the biggest and nearest one you'll find is the Lonely Lilac, a weird planet, one without a parent star that couldn't sustain life under normal circumstances but it was made a hub and a trade center by an alliance of multiple races. A purple planet."
"I see, thank you."
Seeing that Halo has nothing else to say I continued to my destination but he stopped me.
"Tell me ... do you want to leave?" He asked, with a tone of sadness in his voice.
"Yes ... I'll be looking for someone."
"Reaching the Lonely Lilac won't be simple, you can teleport but not directly to it, and you'll have to pass security and multiple problems on your journey but ... I wish you the best and hopefully we can see each other one day again."
The half bird in front of me smiled while wishing me the best and ultimately giving me the goodbye. HIs chicken legs were visibly shaking, and a few tears could be seen in his eyes.
It is true that I've decided to leave, regardless of what my friends will be doing ... because there's nothing left for me here and nothing that I can do to change an outcome already seemingly set in stone.
After a while of walking I finally arrived at Stella house, where seemingly Maverick has been for the past month or so.
*Ring*
Stella rushed and opened the door for me, her attire was uh ... light to say the least.
"Stella I can see more than I wish with something like that on you so please slap the door in my face, get changed then come again. Sorry if I interrupted and came unannounced even but I have something to discuss with you both."
Stella seemed flustered, red in her checks even and she quickly nodded and did as I said.
Even with that view I can't feel anything ... even good acting can't mask a shallow heart.
"Sorry for taking so long ... please come in."
And I entered, taking the steps to Stella's room where I found Maverick in some shorts and a t-shirt. Doesn't take a genius to figure out what is happening here but I let them be. I don't have any words nor an interest in their couple time.
"Sorry for the..." Maverick started.
Quickly to stop him I said.
"No need to bother, I don't really care either way, all I came today for is to announce that I'm leaving."
"Leaving?!" They both exclaimed simultaneously.
Before they could bombard me with questions I decided to keep it short and explain my point.
"I saw the brothers responsible for Kathlyn's death handing the judge something after the trial finished... my parents are either dead or disappeared, my lover died while I could do nothing, one of my friends is dead as well due to an accident, you're the only ones important I have left here ... and you both have each other right now."
And I stopped to take my breath a bit before continuing.
"I received an invitation which I'm willing to accept but I'll have to find the said person first so I'll be leaving this planet, heading for the Lonely Lilac and hopefully finding information on their whereabouts on the way. I'm not asking you to come with me ... I'm here to say my goodbyes before departing, because I don't know when or if we will ever see each other again."
They both took my words in, curious, and then they looked at each other and smiled. All this time I could only watch from afar as they seemed locked in a world of their own world ... knowing that I once experienced such light but it was taken away from me on the same day … I couldn't help but try and restrain myself ... everything but a tear that rolled down my face.
The memories flashed in my mind in the silence that overtook the room ... or was it that the silence was in my head and I can't hear them talking.
"Why are you leaving and where?" Maverick asked, taking the initiative.
Stella took refuge behind him a bit, not fear but concern displayed on her face.
"The Black Parade, a group owned by Ragnarok."
I could see the fear gradually taking over the concern on Stella's face and Maverick's position changed to something more serious.
"I won't ask you why you know him and how but you'll have to tell me why you're leaving."
Looking at both of them right now these might be the last words I ever say to them and I don't want to end on a lie ...
"A part of me is looking for revenge ... a part of me is looking for power ... one for freedom ... one to grieve ... one to forget ... I'm being ripped away by my own self but it is also my whole self that is looking for a purpose."
After a brief moment of silence they responded.
"Then we don't need to say goodbye, we're coming with you." Maverick said, I suddenly jumped surprised.
"That's true, we don't have a lot left here either so we will embark with you on this journey, we will help you out until the end." Stella said, flashing an optimistic smile.
Maverick then stood up and patted me on the shoulder.
"We will leave whenever you want."
The surprise took a bit of my heart and reformed it to normal, not expecting this outcome I smiled and laughed a bit.
"You are ... really good friends to me, then we will leave tomorrow, let's meet at the closest teleportation gate and we will go to a nearby trade center to look for information, understood?"
They looked at each other and laughed.
"Sure thing!" Once again, they said it simultaneously.
After a little while I left their house and started moving towards mine, on the way home I passed the place where Kathlyn died but this time, I saw the same group of drunks that taught me magic going at it again...
A sorrowful thought took place in my mind ... if only they would've been here then. But nothing can be done about the past
The world doesn't stop for my grieving and I will not stop until I find my purpose. I'll drag myself along with this misery, regret, resent, pain and suffering until the day I die if I have to. I have to keep living for the one who sacrificed herself to me ... and if possible... Maybe once in the future I can do something to change the course of this wicked universe.