"Impudent child of the deceased Master Heisenberg, are you going to stay in here and freeze yourself to death? Let me take you to your bed. You're already a burden as you are healthy."
I opened my eyes to the ceiling of my living-room. Beside me, stood Wilson as ugly as ever, but unwounded.
"Didn't I kill you?"
"Are you mistaking me as your father?"
"I swear to God, Wilson!"
I sneezed so hard I hurted my head. My butler went to take a blanket and put the warm sheet over my shoulders. We both sat in the darkness of the living-room. It must've been around midnight.
"I think I may have some issues."
"I'll go get some."
"Issues, Wilson, not tissues. I've been… seeing stuffs. How's Elias?"
"He's asleep in the basement. Our guest-room is dustier than a cat's litter-box at this moment, but I'll make sure everything will be tidy tomorrow."
"Good. The quicker, the better. Now, Wilson, shall we head to our own rooms and call it a day?" I stood up with my blanket covering my figure, ready to go.
"Why yes, my dear sir, but one last thing, if you don't mind…"
"Speak, Wilson, I am actually in a rather bright mood."
"You don't happen to have feelings for Young Master Elias, do you?"
The violent images of my butler being murdered by my own two hands resurfaced in my memory. I did not wish to actualize the brutal scenery, not with my mood so bright, but my reputation was at stake!
"Answer me this, dear Wilson: Is it gay to like a fellow man if it is due to his feminine beauty?"
"In my own personal judgment, it is not, sir."
"Well, then, I suppose our personal views have synchronized from the years we've spent together."
"I believe so, sir."
We said nothing more and headed to our own rooms. I did not know about Wilson, but that night I was unable to pick up a second of rest. Whenever my sights were shutted, all I saw was the fair and clothless body of my dear Elias. In the bleakness of my unseeing, he stood with a gentle smile on his face, though half-covered by his golden hair which cheered up my soul upon seeing it. His summer eyes glimmered joyfully as he chuckled in a way that made the angels of heaven weep in jealousy. But in my childish imagination, Elias had the soul and the body of a girl, which is to say that wasn't him I saw in my mind, but a completely different individual since it is impossible for someone to be both genders at the same time. And yet, that imaginary individual was made based on the existence of Elias Roosevelt, a fellow man I happened to cross paths with in the suicide forest two years ago.
Lord… have I gone mad? Will my madness eventually disclose your wrath? Am I going to get punished for this? For being confused and scared and desperate? For being… human?
My attempt to sleep ended up in vain. I stayed awake until the break of dawn when I heard a soft knock at my bedroom door, too soft to be Wilson whose knocking I have been so accustomed to hearing for over ten years. Who else could it be but that guy?
I was more than gleeful to start my day like that.
"Come in, Elias. I know it's you."
A line of light crept its way to the wall as he slowly opened the door of my bedroom. He stood there in my pajamas—obviously a lot too big for him—with his long golden hair sticking out like a lion's mare.
Almighty God, the sight was too alluring! I nearly cursed out loud as the realization struck me that I could not live under the same roof with a beautiful boy like him without having to sacrifice my sanity. If I were to endure another day with Elias looking like that on the earliest part of my morning, I thought I might combust. There's got to be a way, and I know just what it is.
"Come here for a moment. There's something I've been meaning to tell you."
Like the obedient maggot he was, he made his way to my bed and sat beside me.
"Will it be too much if I ask you to get a haircut? My butler will do it for you. He's an excellent barber. And you need not pay with anything."
I saw a flash of reluctance in his eyes. "But Liam, what is the matter with my hair being the way it is now? Do you not like it?"
That is the thing, sweet Elias, I couldn't help but fall in love with you looking like that.
"I do not hate it, no." For unknown reasons I found my hand began to caress the top of his golden head and so very softly moved all the way down towards his back. "It's just that…"
As I for unknown reasons rested my chin onto his shoulder, I caught the sight of Wilson standing motionlessly by the door. It took me out of this world. I couldn't bear such shame. Who was there to blame?
"Forgive me. I shall excuse myself." The man was quick to disappear out of our sights, but the embarrassment only grew bigger and heavier.
Now, he must've thought I've lost my mind to Elias! If I were to suddenly ask him to cut Elias' hair short, wouldn't that give him the idea that I prefer Elias with his male looks?
Wouldn't that make him think I'm gay?
It was at that brink of frustration that an idea jumped into my mind. It wasn't a commendable idea at all. Upon receiving it, I realized the gates of heaven will not accept a vile creature as me. But it was, in that situation, an excellent idea I must not waste.
The excitement overcame me like electricity. I embraced my Elias tightly from behind. He squirmed but said nothing. At last, I whispered the cursed words into his ear, praying that it would reach his heart however horrid it was.
"I am trying to protect you from my own butler. You see, I have lived with him for over a decade and I have learned so much about him. I know him like I know my own hands. So, you must believe what I am about to tell you, dear Elias. You have no choice but to swallow my words."
He stopped squirming, but still no words escaped his lips.
I continued. "My butler has a foul interest in blonde girls, especially the beauties with blue eyes and fair skin. I must say with your bright and enchanting hair kept long like this, you are a perfect fit for his criteria. For this, I see no solution other than to have your gorgeous hair cut short. Otherwise, a very hideous fate awaits you in the near future. I believe you understand my concern for you now, dear Elias."
It took him a solid minute to finally respond. "Is that so?" He turned his face to look at me. "Thank you for letting me know about this, Liam. But do you think it's okay to let him be the one who cuts my hair?"
"I will make sure nothing bad happens to you. I promise. I will keep an eye on him as he does so."
With that, my heart rejoiced with a feeling beyond happiness that I did not realize I was squeezing the poor lad with my arms. My plan went exactly as I imagined it would be. By night, I no longer had a blonde darling walking under my roof. Elias had perfectly turned into a man. I need not worry about losing my senses anymore. I am free! You hear me, Father? I am fucking free!
That night, Wilson came to visit me in my room. It was nearly midnight and he had changed into his pajamas, which I rarely ever seen before. The man never looked so casual. I realized it must've been his suit that made him seem so serious all the time. To see him without his suit, I felt as if I could crack a joke or two and he would appreciate it if not crack another one without missing a beat. He was like an entirely different person that for a moment I was stunned. I found myself troubled to speak, fearing that I would slip my tongue and utter the wrongest words I could say.
"Young master, may I ask something about our new friend?"
I nodded. From his expression I could guess what sort of matter he wanted to bother me with. I have become accustomed to reading faces and my conjecture rarely ever misses. I was ready for his question far before I knew he would deliver it. It is unavoidable. When you're aware of your own abnormalities, you'll equip yourself with answers which sometimes are actually just empty excuses. Sometimes you wouldn't even understand what was happening to you, but people need answers or they'll expel you from their kind, and isolation is the worst punishment a person could ever get, only third to regret and shame.
It is unavoidable.
"You have all the rights to slap me if I'm wrong, but could it be that you have fallen for Elias as what he really is? By that, my dear sir, I am asking if you have taken a liking to boys."
The room rang with a loud silence. I purposefully did not give him an immediate answer for I wanted to build some sort of tension for no apparent reason at all. My handsome butler waited for my response. I almost burst out laughing at his keen determination.
"Of course not, dear Wilson. If I really were into men, I would have made a move on you a long time ago. We would've been married by now, you know?"
I closed my utterance with a forced laugh. It sounded stiffer than I thought. Shit. He looked disgusted at my words. What have I done! What do I do now?
"There's a lady I wanted to show you tomorrow."
That statement was not on the script. I fucked up. Perhaps I really was a little nervous.
It successfully distracted him, but how on earth do I get a lady and convince them to come to my house in less than twenty-four hours?
The last lady I spoke to was my father's wife. God damn it. That bitch.
"Very well, then. I look forward to meeting her tomorrow."
Wilson excused himself out of my room. I spent the entire night regretting my existence.