I knew my grandmother was grieving too, but, unlike me, she can turn to work.
I had nothing.
No one.
Except her.
As much as I wanted to stay still, the world did not wait for me. My days went as usual. The usual people attending to my needs while making sure I did what I was supposed to do, as if nothing happened. Except now I eat alone and the only room I go to is my own.
And I miss goodnight kisses. I cry myself at night but pretend I don't. The maids probably knew because I have puffy eyes every morning but just chose to stay silent. I wanted to be weak but everyone around me made me feel that I can't afford that. Not anymore.
Condolences from acquaintances thinned out as the accident became a thing of the past. Maybe it was a thing of the past for the world and the people around, but for me, it was a part of me. It will be forever an event that will be with me, something I can't leave behind even if I try.
The void that my parents left kept creeping even when I had people around me. I wanted to be consoled by my grandmother. I needed that. But instead of the warm affection I sought from her, I was given a different type of attention.
She packed my free time with lessons to groom me into a capable CEO. Punishments were served when I was not able to keep up. My usual schoolwork gets pushed back for more advanced studies. I was ten and I tried to keep up until I was fed up. I was 16.
At that time I didn't fully understand where my frustration came from but now I know my mind instinctively caught up that the situation was unfair. I was robbed. I was robbed of my childhood and I wanted to relive that phase again, throw tantrums — lose control, just like a child.
I knew that I was not getting out of it. I am the heir and will have to face the responsibilities someday but I wanted to buy more time, for me, to be a bit more normal.
I was 11 when my grandmother instructed me to call her "Chairwoman" in one of the company's more formal parties. Although my grandmother serves as my guardian, I do have rightful ownership over the majority of shares, maybe she just wanted to reiterate that and make sure everybody knows as well. There were a few more of those parties that I was required to attend and somewhere along the line I just started calling her chairwoman even outside those.
There was a time when I met the chairwoman regularly, at least once a week. I used to look forward to it until I realized our meetings are typically routine progress reports with a formulaic mix of compliments and criticisms. It ate me up because my heart was hoping for something else.
I'm not even sure what I was hoping for but I was certain it didn't happen. We just stayed in the same cycle and it was tiring. Every day I was forced to grow up, to get ready for things I didn't even want to understand.
The sense of responsibility was ingrained so hard into my mind that I knew I wouldn't be able to walk away from it. I decided I just wanted to enjoy the short time I had until I stepped foot to the real world. So I made a mess everywhere and everyone was busy cleaning up after me. The chairwoman gave me more attention than ever, unfortunately, it was far from the kind of attention we both wanted.
—
I looked at the old woman who had no resemblance whatsoever to my own grandmother aside from the fact that they were both visibly aged.
"Are you sure?" The elderly lady asked again. "Come here."
I was asked to follow and I did. It was but a few steps until we were in front of a snack cart. She propped up the long wooden stick she was holding to bolster one side of the makeshift canopy of her store.
It was the same stick she used to save me. So that's where it came from.
"Young people are so energetic but that doesn't mean you should fight." I was getting scolded but it was surprisingly warm, far from the type of scolding I was used to.
A paper cup and stick were pushed towards me after her short scruffle to stand behind the cart. "Here. Eat. Then go." It was a nonchalant command, but it affected me. She proceeded to arrange the snacks near me, adding more food on display.
I was still in shock with the close headshot earlier but knew it was an offer I should just receive without protest. I did as I was told. As silly as it sounds this is probably the first time I'm doing this. I tentatively probe into a tray of food.
"This kid." She didn't let me finish my probing and took another cup to fill it herself, adding some sauce and whatnot. I was embarrassed but it was too late to pretend or stop her anyway so I took what she gave and started eating.
After having a few bites I scrimmaged my pocket to pay but the old woman looked at me funny.
"That's fine. Just bring your friends over next time." I don't have friends to bring though. That'll be a problem. I finished the rest of my food and started looking at the surroundings. It was a marketplace but was a bit deserted. All the stores are open but only a few people walk by. It was weirdly peaceful. Maybe the crowd will come by later in the evening.
"Thank you, ma'am." Bowing again, I was too shy to receive her kindness with eye contact.
"Tsk, who are you calling mam? Call me Grandma." I looked up immediately.
That hit a nerve.
Grandma.