Chapter 23Chapter Text
Tired.
That word could be used to describe me if one was kind.
If one were honest instead, exhaustion would be a better fit—soul-deep weariness in the shape of a woman. A persistent ache in the bones. Tension in the muscles. Emotional and mental scarring to go with the thin line around my middle that had yet to clear.
Sleep. Sleep sounded nice. Stuffing my face with everything I had in my fridge, then shutting down for a week while surrounded by my stuffies. Maybe I'd have another round with Ino.
That was a plan.
It was a goal. Something obtainable.
Or so I'd thought.
…Damn it.
Gods damn it.
I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes and didn't scream. I didn't. I wouldn't scream. I refused to scream.
It wouldn't help me. It wouldn't help anyone.
It would feel so good though. It would. I knew this for a fact.
There was nothing wrong with a good, long scream when life weighed you down.
As long as no one could see you do it, of course.
Of course.
I remembered to breathe through my nose while my superiors, my teacher and the father of my now official girlfriend (yay), gave me a moment to myself.
It was welcome. But it couldn't last forever. The boil must be lanced. Everyone had something they would rather be doing today.
Removing my hands from my temples, I steepled my fingers in front of my face; getting this done right now was in everyone's best interest.
Like an old bandaid.
"Getting cut in half wasn't something that I'd planned for. Living or otherwise. There was no point to it. Either I'd see the Pure World earlier than I wanted, or I would have never been cut in half." I shrugged. "I put my survival down to luck at this time."
And that was the truth.
I'd have to look into it to see if there was more—a welcome if unforeseen benefit to my enhancements. Again, whether the Akimichi had stumbled onto something greater than they knew…I didn't know. Until then, until I knew, that was my only explanation. I knew as much as they did.
Fuckall.
"Luck, and having it in you to do surgery on yourself in battlefield conditions," Kakashi pointed out drolly while Inoichi quietly sipped at his tea, his eyes sharp. "Luck is a hell of a thing. Anyone that lasts long enough as a ninja knows all about it. But luck doesn't account for that."
Of course.
"Not entirely true. I could have fallen into shock. Blood loss could have taken its toll. The pain might have overwhelmed me. My inexperience with those conditions could have tipped the balance. There was a great deal of luck involved," I pointed out in turn. "But you're right. I knew what I was doing." I paused. "Theoretically."
"Theoretically?"
I paused again. This time to debate how far I'd slow down. Slightly. And a touch more. "...I'm not sure how to make that I didn't expect to live through bisection any clearer."
Any slower and I'd be implying he was hard of hearing.
"Alright. Fair enough. That isn't something most people have to consider." Inoichi took over as Kakashi attempted to untangle whether I'd just insulted him or not… Also, yes. I was not in a good mood. "How did you conclude that you were capable of the surgery in the first place?"
Ino stayed perfectly still in my room upstairs, her ear against the floor.
I sighed.
Talking about myself, and with an audience at that, was exhausting.
"I assume Neji's report explained some - inconsistencies." I flicked my fingers with another sigh as both men nodded. "Those are the result of longer-term studies. Extended experimentation over the years helped familiarize me and expand my understanding of internal architecture. This, of course, required some exploratory surgery."
Inoichi took another, subtly prodding, sip of his tea.
"Not of me, of course. Not at first. Obviously." I scoffed at the thought. "Much as I regretted it, animals first. Mammals."
"Obviously," Kakashi muttered.
"Survival classes were useful for this. Or times, when I bought a book or a new stuffie and the fridge was…no matter." I shook my head. They didn't need to hear about my addictions and their effects. Or how most of my experiments ended up on the stove or a spit and how this made me somewhat hungry by association. "Animals aren't that different from us where it matters. Boar especially. It was a start."
Inoichi looked into his cup for a second, then back up to me. "...Boar."
"Yes. Boar." My hair reached out, looping around the pot's handle to lift it over my cup and pour. "As someone with some knowledge of our respective anatomies, they are very much like us where it counts." I hummed, an idle musing drifting to the front of my mind. "Very - forgiving - of mistakes."
The more mass, the more damage required to affect the greater whole…as long as you didn't affect something critical.
Simple.
It was a philosophy that I had picked up with some gusto, once the concept had clicked…i t hadn't been fast; I'd kept them all asleep for this, my test subjects. But, sometimes, I had to admit, I felt guilty about what I'd done to them before I ate them.
It hadn't been fast.
Even with the Akimichi jutsu I'd gathered doing the heavy lifting and filling in the blanks.
Conservation of mass. Matter, to energy, and back again. The manipulation of density, the golden ratio, and study into the construction of buildings that lasted longer than a lifetime.
…It hadn't been fast.
Silly of me to feel bad. It was. It wasn't as if I'd decided I would be Orochimaru, the scientifically incompetent (the reproduction of results outside of the cursed seals seemed to elude him from what I remember). I did what I had to, as humanely as possible, with no mistake ever made twice...also, again, I was going to eat them.
They were dead, no matter how it had happened. But I felt bad about it anyway.
Moving on.
"I eventually learned how to do most of that work through touch instead. You can get surprisingly far with a basic diagnostic jutsu and the mystic palm. And experience, of course." My hair brought my tea to my lips as Inoichi nodded. "There was a lot less mess involved from that point on."
And I didn't feel nearly as bad about what I was doing when I didn't have to resort to vivisection to commit to my experiments, outside of unexpected variables. I had no problem calling that a win.
"Did you know that birds have stronger bones than we do? Even though they are hollow? And lighter? Or that a cat, even without chakra, has better reflexes than anyone short of a chunin? The blueprints already exist." I asked as steam wafted into my vision…it comforted me. As did Ino's presence above our heads. "It just needs application."
Of course, it was more complicated than that—much more. I was heavily simplifying this for brevity and tailoring it for my audience.
As competent as they were, very, mednin they were not... And if Inoichi didn't stop nodding, clueless and trying to hide it, his head might fall off.
…Maybe I hadn't been brief enough?
Briefer?
Yes.
I took an awkward drink. "To answer your question in this case without anything more, surgery is something I have some experience with. And it wasn't as if I had options at the time."
Yes.
"Yeah. Alright. Makes sense. That's my question answered." Kakashi gestured at the blond to his side. "You're up."
Alright. So more of this.
Alright.
Sure.
It wasn't as if I had a dinner that needed cooking or anything.
"Why did you need to go this far?"
My thoughts on tonight's pork soup and bread meal were replaced with the sheerest bafflement for an extremely short moment.
Why?
Had I suddenly ended up in another reality? A new world where I wasn't expected to be a prettied-up tool of murder for the political elite?
When did that happen?
"Don't get me wrong. Self-improvement and advancement are admirable things to see. But there is that, and there is…" The word Inoichi was trying to find didn't come to him as he put his cup down. So, he improvised. "Did you just say you're part boar ?"
If Ino hadn't been on the floor already, she would have been at that.
"What?" That bafflement I felt then threatened to become permanent with a single masterstroke of ignorance. "No. How did you even - I thought I was rather clear that I was experimenting on the boars." I moved my hands from my face and out to the sides from what seemed to be a necessary emphasis. "Because they are big."
And it took a lot to kill them.
Inoichi coughed. "And close to us?"
…Was that it? Was that what was bothering him?
I waggled my hand. "Somewhat. There are limits. But less than you'd think. You could probably replace your heart with that of a pig's if you were desperate for a replacement-"
Inoichi's already pale face somehow became more so while Kakashi quietly circled a finger on my table.
Ino's morbid fascination was palpable.
"But that isn't what we were talking about." I took pity on him before he befouled my dinner table and threw off my appetite.
That would be the worst.
And Ino would have to stay curious.
"I was only describing interesting traits that I'd discovered..." I continued with a hum. "Also, if you think about it, if you've ever eaten a pig before, you're part boar." I paused again. "What with them being almost the same thing and all. But not quite." I paused once more as Kakashi stopped making circles to look up at me. "If I'm confusing you now, I don't think you're ready to know what I meant by that yet."
Domestication was a hell of a thing.
Two generations between the farm and the woods. The woods and the farm.
Give us some time and, maybe, we'd know what that meant too.
It sounded nice.
"And I do what I do because I'd like to see what it's like to reach adulthood. None of this is complicated. Or special. I own a bingo book so I know that isn't the case." I took a long pull from my cup, emptying it. "You make it sound like I'm the first to do something like this."
Sasori of the Sands had turned himself into a puppet at my age. With flamethrower hands and water cutters. And he'd killed a Kage.
Not that I could say that, it being the sort of knowledge all of maybe five people knew. But, really.
I was nowhere near that.
Focus.
"I'm not even the only genin in the village who's gone down this path. I'm just the sanest." I grimaced. Anyone that let Orochimaru have his way with them deserved what they got. "Do you know the damage that can be done to someone when they repeatedly dislocate and relocate their bones? Violently?"
He'd be a cripple before he was halfway through his twenties. Also…
He worked for Orochimaru.
…Hmm.
That was a thought.
Kakashi, slouched in his seat, sat up.
"I have an idea, yes," Inoichi, master of enhanced interrogation techniques, commented as color quickly returned to his face. "You're saying that is what a genin you've seen has modified himself to do?"
"Gods, no." I scoffed at the idea and waved it off. "I don't know his name or team, but I know he's an idiot. Someone opened him up at the joints and around his neck to enhance his flexibility to a self-destructive degree. And he let them." I moved a finger along the places on my body I would have cut if I'd been the surgeon - and a hack. "Last I saw of him, he was doing contortionist tricks in a public setting."
Contortionist tricks in public. Trying to crush a Sand nin's body in his gross, fleshy coils in a dream of the Chunin Exams.
Same thing.
Also, yes. I'd never seen him with my own eyes before. I'd have remembered if I had, that stupid face covering and glasses combo of his being rather distinctive.
But, right now, I found I didn't care. I was tired. I was cranky. I wanted to spend the rest of my day with my new girlfriend and not bring up old and new traumas for me to ponder.
Was that too much to ask? Was making a spy and a traitor a tool of distraction so that I could finally focus on making dinner such a terrible thing?
I didn't think so.
"A modification. You're sure? Not a technique?"
"I'm sure. The only chakra used was moving him around after he'd pulled his joints out of place."
Inoichi blinked. "And you know this from…?"
I did not blink. "I'm a sensor."
Inoichi blinked again but said nothing to that. He just looked down at the general area of his lap with a wistful look.
Odd that.
"Well then." Kakashi clapped. And I noticed he hadn't touched his tea. Not even to throw it into the fake potted plant I'd placed nearby, just for that… He could have at least tried to pretend he'd had some. Rude. "We are just learning bunches today, aren't we?"
I thought about saying something rude, returning rudeness with rudeness, as it were. Something about how the only thing I'd learned from this was that my elders had allowed their social skills to rust. In a witty manner and, as always, on the right side of polite.
A spark of alarm from Ino made me pause before anything I could say came to me, and I reflexively swept my gaze over the men sitting at my table…and a ninshu probe—a light touch.
I didn't like what I found.
…
This wasn't a mission readiness evaluation at all, was it?
==========
Kakashi was right.
They'd learned things today. 'Bunches', as he'd said. More than Inoichi had thought they'd walk away with when they barged into the Haruno home.
If Inoichi wasn't mistaken, and he didn't think he was after Mizuki, Sakura had just described what had to be the Soft Physique Modification. A surgical procedure meant for spycraft and contorting one's body into places that a human body wouldn't usually be able to fit.
A modification that Mizuki had possessed.
It was a procedure that Orochimaru had pioneered, and had done to himself to commit to his image as the Snake Sannin. A procedure that, as far as Konoha knew, only Orochimaru knew how to do.
There was a pattern here that Inoichi didn't like. Not one bit.
For multiple reasons.
And, if Sakura wasn't just attempting to distract them so that she could get them out of her house and get back to her original plans (he knew her, and his daughter who was still in the house, well), there was a genin in the village with this modification.
If Sakura was right, the entire genin corp would have to be checked through with a fine tooth comb. Records would be looked through. Paperwork taller than buildings would have to be done.
The scope of this investigation had just widened and, if he was grateful for anything, it was that most of that paperwork wouldn't be his to do.
…Other than the part where Sakura had supposedly recognized the modification on sight. And how it was done.
That was going in her file. With several other things, but that would be taking up pride of place.
An ability to find a very specific type of infiltrator at a glance was invaluable if that was what it was.
…And he was going to need a demonstration of what she did to the boars to get as good as she had too, wasn't he? Yes. Yes, he was. If he wanted her cleared, that was going to have to happen.
But, damn it, why did it have to be boars ?
Why did she have to say all of that?
He'd been fine just knowing they were animals, thank you very much. Impressive animals, but animals. It made things simple.
But, now, they weren't simple. Being a symbol of his Clan, and his namesake was one thing. But being told he was close enough to one that it could donate its heart if he were ever in need was another.
…Burning people and burning boar smelled very similar too, and the connotations of that had just gotten a hundred times worse.
No matter what happened, that would be on his mind for the rest of the day…and that bottle of sake was burning a hole in his pocket.
This called for a distraction—a distraction like doing his job.
Focus on the objective, don't get lost in the trivia; use the trivia as data to fulfill the objective.
Objective: Verify Sakura's loyalty to the village.
Objective: Don't alienate Ino while doing so.
Other details could be handled in other meetings, potentially (hopefully) carried out by someone else.
He didn't think he'd ever felt this much stress before and would rather never have to again.
"But, you know, there's something that's still bothering me. There is still something that has yet to join the bunches, and inquiring minds want to know," Kakashi continued blithely and with another clap before Inoichi could reorient the conversation. "What did you hit me with during our first spar?"
Sakura, features flat, stared.
"Just curious." Kakashi clasped his hands together. "At least give me a name?"
Sakura continued to stare…as the corners of her lips pulled up. The stone of her face cracked and broke as her eyes began to lighten, almost seeming to glow as her hair curled at the ends in a seeming retreat.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Inoichi's heart (metaphorically) fell through the building floor and didn't stop as the whites of her teeth began to show.
"I never gave it a name. That always felt silly to me. And, considering its intended purpose, I believed it to be for the better if it went without… I didn't name it, but it has one." Sakura admitted as her hair lowered her cup and picked up the pot. "The Birthday Jutsu."
… That sounded harmless.
But why would…?
The thump and the scream from upstairs, the noise that Inoichi and Kakashi endeavored to ignore told them it was anything but.
Wait.
"...The Birthday Jutsu?" Kakashi asked, now clearly regretting his choice but unable to stop as Sakura refilled her cup, her smile growing wider. "Why is that?"
Wait.
"From what I've been told, it's the sort of thing that should only come around once a year. At most. Too much medicine becomes poison. Too much food makes you fat. It's like that."
No.
It was Kakashi's turn to stare as something visibly died inside him.
No.
"...Okay. This was funny at first. Hah hah. You see? I laughed. But this has gone on too long. Be straight with me here." Kakashi leaned forward and over the table, pushing his tea to the side so his single eye could make contact with Sakura's… There was desperation there.
Inoichi felt the same.
"Did you attack me with a sex jutsu, Haruno?"
Inoichi almost swallowed his tongue as his daughter's killing intent filled the room through the ceiling.
" HARUNOOOOOO! "
That was that then.
…They needed to leave.
They needed to leave, right now . And they needed to get very drunk .
"You did. I see." Kakashi nodded as he stood up, a broken man. Inoichi did the same, defeated. "I'll never recover from this psychologically. And I'd appreciate it if this never got out… But good play, genin. And thank you for the tea."
"Thank you for the tea," Inoichi echoed as his daughter stormed her way towards the stairs, incandescent with fury. "But we need to go."
Immediately.
"Of course. You're both very busy people and it's no problem. I enjoyed myself, and I appreciate you both coming to check on me." Sakura stood as well, eyes sparkling and smile still firmly in place. "Forgive me if I don't see you out. I expect I'm about to have my hands full momentarily."
"It's no proble-"
Ino was now coming down the stairs and, immediately, politeness left the building; the two grown men, veterans of decades of war and strife–calmly and purposefully fled for their lives, the bottle of liquor in Inoichi's pocket making an appearance before the door had a chance to shut.
They were going to get so drunk.
==========
'What had that been about', was the first thing through my head after the older ninja had left. The second was 'This may be an actual problem I need to solve'.
The third was that Ino had just tried to put a justified fist through my head.
Dinner was going to be later than usual tonight, I think.