She woke up. Again.
She was tired of the cycle. The cycle of waking up and going to sleep. Let it stop.
*BEEP* *BEEP*
The alarm signalled a new morning. How much she hated mornings. How much she hated that alarm.
Lights flickered into the dark room and landed on her face, stirring her to life from her earlier dead-like position. If she wasn't dead already. She sat up into a lotus position and put her arms over her head, stretching her upper body and it ached.
"Tired" She murmured.
She rose from her bed slowly, still very sleepy, but this was a routine and so her body moved on its own to where her towels hung then next to the bathroom. Her legs wobbled and her eyes strained to keep open, the meagre 4 hours of sleep out of her supposed 8 hours made her that way. She had had a small something hours session on her bed with her pillow.
Hanging the towel on the stand and glancing at her reflection for a mere second, she decided to use another tub of soap, other than the usual one that made her feel sticky and made a mental note to hide it from her mother. It would make Farah angry.
She sat on the toilet seat, hoping to let out any water she had drunk. She had this habit of drinking water before sleep and would wake up in the middle of the night for a sip or two. She slumped her upper body on her knees and reached for her tiny toes that wiggled a good morning at her as she made herself a hot bath. The usual scalding hot bath.
In the hope, the pain would give her something. Anything.
"Ahh~" A sigh. She sighs a lot. The girl with red and blue eyes. That one.
As she finished her business, she immediately got into the shower, not wanting to waste another second. Her red strings fell to her waist and her blue balls dimmed thinking. She also contemplates a lot.
The hot water squirted out of the showerhead upon turning the knob and fell in steady strings on her plump body. It fell from her hair to her eyes, dripped down her lashes to her chin, down the curve of her hips, between her legs, and down her legs. The water stung her, she wanted to flinch from its hot grips but she stayed under it as her pale skin rose to a soft pink. To a furious red.
It did not give her what she hoped. She never got anything, really.
After about 30-something minutes, she cut off the source, water stuck to her skin and at the same time slid off. She had forgotten to use a different tub of soap.
One swipe...
Two wipes...
And finished.
She looked at herself in the now-clear mirror, haze was however still tucked to the sides. Blue tired eyes that suck the life out of anything just by a mere look, red strings of soft hair that crowned her face in waves, freckles, beauty marks on her lower lip, left and right cheek, and a smile, no... and her lips that got rigid from the lack of it's smiling muscles. All said she was very expressive-only when truly happy or surprised and that only happened when she wanted it to be. You can't make a person smile if they don't want to.
She lifted her hand and started curling her lashes, fixing her hair, and then lifted the corners of her lips in a failed attempt at a smile.
"Too awkward".
She tried again, this time to the sides.
"Mhhm" She pondered.
She tried again. Using her pinky fingers on both sides and it was close. She carefully removed her fingers as if worried it would break but she moved an inch faster.
The smile stayed. The smile fell.
And what was left was bored-out-the-mind eyes and a rude sneer staring back at her.
She whipped her head away from the mirror, choosing, no not being able to stare at her reflection. I had made sure of that.
"Tired"
And with that left to get ready for school. Her home.
----
Her well-polished shoes to shine, frilly socks, a black-blue knee-length skirt, white long-sleeved button-down shirt and black-blue tie to match the skirt were well ironed and on her bed. Waiting for her, beckoning her and so she answered. She took her time getting ready, knowing the bus didn't come until 8, it was only seven thirty-five and she decided to use most of it. So she delayed the inevitable. Silly girl.
She was scared.
Butterflies
Roaches
Cats
Dogs
People
Farah
And; herself.
Well deserved.
"Get here, right now. The bus comes in 15 minutes" A shrill voice broke the silence of the home and Zylith's shoulders stiffened. She had known this would come. That she would make her mother scream and she did all she could to avoid it happening.
"Coming" Her loud-quiet voice echoed back. Loud enough to be heard by the mother, quiet enough for the neighbours next door wouldn't quite hear. It was early after all and most of them would just be rising. She wouldn't want to be woken up by the shouting of her neighbours, she reasoned.
But that was not the real reason. Sure, it was considerate and typical of her, but not by a large margin, the reason.
'Tea and bread. A perfect way to start the day' She groaned at ME's mocking voice.
'Right,' Zylith mocked back.
She got to work, putting a kettle of water on the stove to boil for some hot tea.
'That should take 2 minutes.'
On the table was some fresh bread, freshly baked by the bakery down the street just minutes ago. It was still soft, and the scent of hot buttery dough wafted in the apartment.
'The smell of fresh DELISH RELISH bread, now, that is the perfect way to start the day' Zylith said to ME.
'Very true' ME nodded.
'You know...you said you wanted to become a vegetarian-'ME suddenly chimed
'Shut up' Zylith huffed.
She poured the hot water into a cup with a Lipton bag in it but no milk. She then grabbed a small teaspoon and started swirling the water to let the Lipton bag and its contents flow out more quickly. She bit into a slice of bread and moaned and quickly got to the dining table to relish the delicious piece in her mouth.
Relish she wanted and relish she won't get.
"You should have been ready twenty minutes ago. Look it's 10 minutes before the bus comes and you're still here" Farah started.
"Good morning" Zylith choked out.
'If you had helped me make tea, I would have had 15 minutes' Zylith retorted but said nothing. Zylith had a habit of bottling things up and waiting until it spills. She does that more in her life than she thinks. I would warn her but that would make things boring.
"Just get ready and leave the house already, I want to lock up, I also have a job" Farah eyes her daughter. Farah worked as a hairstylist. A hairstylist who never styled her daughter's hair but had styled Gabe's hair before he left for the University's Technical Program. Her brother was to return that day but she wouldn't get to him until the end of the day. He had travelled to Mexico, US. How close to home it was.
Zylith nodded slowly but did not attempt to rush her meal. When she was done, she went back to the kitchen, her plate and cup in hand, and quickly rinsed them out. The water mingled with the music her mother would play on repeat every day.
'I think the next one is 'Hearts on fire, no?' ME guessed.
'No, it should be 'rings laid', dummy' Zylith laughed in her mind.
Hearts on Fire played next. The music wafted and mingled with air, setting her quiet calm in the cold room with hints of orange.
'Dummy' ME laughed at Zylith.
'You're being surprisingly chatty today and where is NONE? Did she finally hang herself' Zylith's heart thumped with pleasure at that thought.
'I don't think so, she probably drowned herself in 'ME started.
'HEY!' A voice echoed.
'In the bathtub- 'ME continued
'HEY, I'm right here' The voice called louder.
'Eh? Really? No, she probably slit her wrists instead' Zylith followed up.
'Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm right HERE' The voice screamed at both.
Her world toppled over and colours like a Kaleidoscope entered her eyes, she stumbled backwards and had to steady herself on the counter beside her to stop herself from falling.
"Bloody iron-deficient body" Zylith cussed under her breath.
"I heard you the first-" Zylith snapped at NONE but the sound of a bus honking, took her out of her state. She rushed to get her bag at the dining area, not without the tsk of her mother and she headed out.
"You'll come, right?" Her voice crossed with anticipation, worry, and hope as she waited for ME's reply. Her insides stretched with dread.
'No' ME replied and Zylith nodded with understanding. Painful understanding.
The fog of the early morning settled lightly and the light fingers of the sun crept at the blue blanket of the skies, starting to come up from the horizon. And Zylith knew the moon was going back to sleep.
"Okay, see you later" She huffed a cold breath as she stepped onto the bus.
'...'
The sound of Rings Laid wafted through the air and entered Zylith's ears and with that, the bus drove off.
The funny thing is she can't see ME. Because ME is not real.
***
The bus went over a small bump in the road as it would every day since Zylith started going to school in Nova Scotia's regional school over 2 years ago. 2 years since her small family of 3 had moved from Texas to Canada, to start a new life away from her father.
The crisp cold air caressed her cheek as the bus carelessly drove through the fog of an autumn morning. As the bus rattled to a stop, to pick up its next passenger, the chatter amongst children began to grow. So did the frustration Zylith often had.
'Calm down' She eased herself.
In less than half an hour of driving, the sun was up high and the street could be seen filled with children wearing her school uniforms as they got nearer to the institution when it suddenly halted to a stop.
"Can you guys just," Her driver started coolly.
'Uh-oh, here it comes' She grimaced with a smile "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BRATS, IT'S THE SAME EVERY FUCKING MORNING. DON'T LET ME COME-" Spittle rained down on the children's faces that cowered in fear of the raging man, this unlocked childhood memories of certain twins that had spat on her face. Zylith cut him out and turned to look out the window. 'They're all the same' She wore a blank look as the sun hit her blue orbs and her creamy rosy skin.
Out the window, 4 kids walked by, 2 of them coming from the regional school based on their uniforms while the other two wore uniforms of elementary schoolers. The older two were walking their younger siblings to school but could not be concerned much as they let the younger ones skip and hop on the pavement. One of the elementary schoolers stopped by a small shrub that hung over a fence and stretched to pluck a flower he had found beautiful. The other members were now a good distance from him. The boy was in perfect view of Zylith, she watched him with lazy eyes that showed a bored interest in them. The young chubby boy, upon getting the flower runs forward to his group but now that has Zylith's attention. She perks up wanting to know what would happen. But the bus doesn't move.
The motionless bus jerked forward as the driver put it back on the road and soon, she saw the boy with the high schoolers, they were laughing at the kid's downcast pouted face, there was no flower on the stem. And the bus passes by. And Zylith settles down into a nap with a smirk on her lips.
* * *
Nova Scotia Private High School is a large yellow building, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the white buildings around it. The school pillars have natural greenery crawling up the lengths of it showing how old the school was. It was a wonderful school 'penitentiary' Zylith thought to herself.
'Yellow's the colour psychopaths like' Zylith mused as she stepped into the school's corridor with other kids waiting for the doors to open. The chatter of girls talking about the hottest gossip about Dante's cheating with the hot sexy French girl Claire.
"She really wanted that D" One girl loudly said as if unaware of the listening ears nearby.
"Claire is such a homewrecker," A brown-haired with too big eyebrows said, her powdered face freshly made.
"Not a homewrecker when Flourish left her door open for thieves, her home is already as disorganized as my room" One of the girls cut in, blowing gently on her newly made nails.
'Stupid girls gossiping, just shows who you are' Zylith didn't even spare them a glance. That was too much energy for her.
'Wasn't that brown-haired bitch with Blaire at last week's party and didn't she go shopping with Claire and Dante a few days ago' NONE called out.
'I think so'.
'Look at her stickily made make-up, like a pig wearing lipstick. Didn't er- that guy Andy refuse her attempts at dating and then the week later asked Claire out.' NONE continued 'Claire even refused him and then Andy got with that bitch a day after' NONE laughed.
'Did you just laugh-' The door buzzed and the kids entered the lobby. Zylith got no response.
'Oh NONE don't ignore me now' Zylith pressed 'Whatever, just don't speak of people like that'.
'Wha~ don't blame me, we are both the same person.'
"I don't even know anymore" She murmured with a tight twitch to her lips and walked to her first class of the day
That was indeed true NONE, ME and Zylith were all one person.
* * *
"Settle down kiddos! Today, we will start with a little bit of silent reading and then continue on the Existentialism project from yesterday" Mrs Charlotte's warm voice breaks the chatter of kids her age as they scramble to settle down in their assigned seats.
'No one can go against Mrs.Meanie' The lame name teenagers had assigned to the 68-year-old social studies teacher. She was probably the only teacher in that school who had a sense of discipline in a school filled with filthy rich kids. She was old but still had the tongue of a sword, cutting deep into you and leaving you bare to the world. She had once claimed to have gone temporarily senile when she had spanked a kid and as a way to apologize, she said, "I'll inform the Deputy of Finances to take a look into your son's bank account and have Mr Kalenhigh have a say on your and your son's interest in his position" She said with a smile to Mr. Fledroush, the boy's father a position. Killian, his son had spent his whole life working for the position of Deputy of Finances and it would be taken away from him over something as little as calling her 'A senile fox who pokes her head pokes her head in places not to be, like how you caught your husband cheating. If you had acted like you didn't see anything, you'd still have some name in the upper family classes' Zylith thought he deserved it after all, Old grandma's were the ones to always be watched out for.
The warm rays of sunlight settled on the desk beside Zylith that had yet to be occupied by its owner and Zylith burrowed her head in the book, lost in a world of words and imagination as Mrs. Charlotte called the attendance.
"Miss Bliss mind standing up from the floor and stating your presence?" Bliss upon getting caught quickly stood up and straightened her skirt, her face as red as her curled hair with streaks of orange in it, matching her seatmates.
The red-as-tomato teenager let out an embarrassed grunt bowed her head ceremoniously in a perfect 45 degrees with a slight smirk and went back to her seat. She had red shoulder-width hair that curled at the tips, the body of a cheerleader and warm honey skin tone.
"I didn't say you could sit" The senile old woman who needed to keep her head out of others business said but upon seeing the face of her early morning victim softened.
"But we could do with that, you should do more to emulate the behaviour showed by Mrs Zylith there" She looked at Bliss' seatmate and looked at all the other students with a suggestive gaze.
"Yes ma'am" Bliss sat down in her spot, tucking her short skirt between her legs and sending a gaze at Zylith who had yet to look up from her book. Like a good studious student, she was.
"We can't live like Zylith, she reads her books 24/7 and has no friends, her life is sad and I've never seen her talk or even smile-" A student snickered as he laughed at Zylith but his words got caught in his throat upon seeing cold blue orbs staring into the depths of his very soul. It was like she could see all the secrets he hid behind his pretty face and dad's money. Her usual bored eyes sparked an emotion that taunted him, she didn't break the eye contact, her eyes slowly turning black. He cut off eye contact now.
He let out a nervous chuckle and turned around to his friends. Showing a cool front while his heart was running a hundred miles as his back got sweaty, very aware of her eyes still on his back.
'You've caused the poor guy to want to cry now' NONE entered her mind space.
'He needs to know when to stop yapping his mouth, people truly don't know when to stop talking' Zylith snapped back as her memories of her classmates constantly telling her to shut up entered her mind. Zylith being a 16-year-old, almost of out school, caused some animosity with her classmates, she could have finished her education two years ago at 14 and had a chance at a good university if not for her parents' divorce and Canada's education system that worked with age more than on how smart you were.
Zylith's very intelligent, which is why she's currently running Valedictorian, head of the school's debate team, and assistant captain of her basketball and flag football teams. She hadn't wanted to be the head of the debate team, but she had suddenly been put in that position, so she had to hold it until her graduation this coming December. Zylith knew what she wanted to do, wanted to be. She had convinced herself she knew her reason for existence.
"What is the meaning of life?"Mrs. Charlotte's voice addressed the class of students as she brought out a textbook and set it beside a little dollhouse, a vase with little pebbles, sand, and big rocks with rough edges.
"Do we all have a meaning, already predestined life by an unknown entity? Or do we all start as a blank canvas that we then choose to paint a beautiful piece of art?" She looks up and gives us a stern look, her gaze stopping on Zylith for a split second, looking down at the book Notes from the Underground, set on her table, and then continuing her quick sweep of the remaining 21 students.
Bliss nudged Zylith and ducked her head to whisper in a hushed tone, "Do we really have to study this stuff, we should just live our lives the way we want it, fun and filled with joy. It's that simple" Bliss cut herself as the teacher turned back to the general area they were in.
"Do we all have the freedom to choose what to be or do? Or is it set for us from the moment of our birth? I'm sure most of you wouldn't quite grasp what I mean since you've all been tasked with responsibilities from the moment of your birth. Look at Mr Fledroush" She points at the student who had called her senile "From the moment he was born, he's been given the position of Deputy of Finance, he's been made, moulded just for that position, it's his responsibility, can you imagine your life if you don't get that position Mr. Fledroush?" She stopped to ask him but he simply clenched his jaw, making the veins in them stick out. He wouldn't dare think of that possibility.
"If you can't quite grasp it yet, look at old-century kings from texts, they have been chosen from birth responsibilities, do you think soon-to-be kings have the choice to choose whether or not to lead their country? When they finally get to that position of king and have multiple people asking for their heads, always having to sleep with one eye open, having to lead in loneliness, did you know most kings died alone and texts say that most were lonely?".
"Why must kings have no choice in their lives?" One student adds.
Mrs charlotte smiles, "Yes, why do they not have the freedom a commoner would have had even when they hold the highest authority? I believe our purpose in life is to act properly by being ourselves, we should not be moulded by religious or ethical demands. When religion is integrated into society and societal scenes become religious scenes, religion dies, and people are more likely to live an inauthentic life " She pauses and lets the unasked question ask.
"Because people live on the rules set by society, manners and ethics. We no longer act like ourselves but by the stereotypes. We become Das-man. When we tell ourselves something several times, it becomes true." Another student suggested.
"One of the famous 19th century existentialists Kierkegaard suggests that the only way out of Christian angst is to take a leap of faith towards Christianity, emphasizing a personal relationship with God, the subjective truth of the individual.
But we all have responsibilities, we simply can't disregard them. That is the mistake we all have, we all have a choice to make a choice, no matter how strangling it might seem Existence precedes essence...".
'Is this grannie truly senile?' Zylith buried her head in the textbook in front of her and zoned into what it said, rather than the old voice of the sly hunched lady.
"Zylith, what do you think the purpose of life is for you?"
'Huh?' Zylith was startled upon hearing her name being called.
She swallowed some spit and wet her lips with her tongue, took a second to ready herself, and looked up to the curious eyes of her classmates. Bliss beside her was especially curious.
'What's their problem?' Zylith turned her gaze to the smirking lady
"I believe we don't have a predestined fate by God or anyone. When everyone is born, we are all on the same level at that moment, from the moment a king is born, his value is the same as that of a commoner the second upon the announcement as the King's son, that is when his value is raised by a hundred and one".
"What do you mean?" A girl in front of Zylith's table, turned her body to ask
'Why do you have to do this to me now Rosa?'.
"A king could decide to reject his son, some kings can be as cruel as stripping their son's title to be lower than a commoners, it is not unheard of. That is what I mean. But my purpose in life...." She mused and her gaze lowered as she thought of the right words.
"I make my purpose in life. It is different to people. Some people choose to make themselves, I choose to find myself. Some choose to believe there's no purpose for them and they should enjoy their lives because if they die, the wheels of time won't stop to just acknowledge one person, others believe they have a destiny, a call to life. At the end of the day, it falls on who you are and your beliefs and your experiences".
The faces of her classmates showed confusion. None of them could understand what she meant by that, she spoke their tongues of them. But they were not them.
"Thank you Zylith. Now Do we ever think of if we are all assigned our families, our culture, the particular dates of birth before we were even born? And if things were to happen to us, we could blame it on our situations or family".
"Haven't any of you ever wondered what would happen if you weren't born into your family, if you would have been happier or sadder, or if you would have even been born? During meiosis, 23 pairs of chromosomes align randomly, creating a vast number of genetic combinations. This results in a unique genetic makeup for each individual, driving the diversity of life on our planet., this means, one inch away from you could have been a jaw-dropping Greek god" Charlotte snickered at the students as if wishing one of them had come out as good eye candy "with a stark difference from your personality. If this had happened you wouldn't have even been born but you were! And why? –" She continued.
'There's no meaning to life, we're all gonna die anyway, what is the reason for all this hustle?' Zylith buried her head into her textbook soon going to sleep.