I followed Jason's advice and came to school.
But I don't think I slept at all last night. I stayed awake in the darkness of my room for what felt like days. Staring at the ceiling and watching the light of street cars cast long shadows across my room.
I was overcome with remorse. I replayed Ms. Simmons' words in my head over and over again and saw her and Spencer's expressions every time I closed my eyes.
And I remembered her announcement during class, about having morning sickness. Was that...real?
Was it a ploy to stop others from attacking her or was she really pregnant? Now I'll never know. Did I end three lives?
God, it's so fucking awful. I'm so fucking awful.
I don't remember sleeping, but my body woke up at the same time it always does, ready to start the day. Even if the mind is unwilling, the body continues.
I almost thought that that entity would come back in my dreams after my first kill. But it didn't, it doesn't care about how we feel, or what we do in the game. As long as it's entertained...
The paranoia is extending its reach further and further. As I walked to school this morning, I stopped to think that every single person passing by me could be a part of it. That a random vehicle passing by could stop suddenly, and that someone could emerge and shoot me in the back of the head.
And I thought that I'd deserve it.
My whole body feels like it's aching.
To harm someone so... destructively. The feeling of rupturing Spencer's throat is stuck to my hands like phantom pain.
The first day I came back, I couldn't help but want to run to school. I was so, happy. I was so hopeful for the future.
Now I'm honestly considering running into oncoming traffic.
Not that I'd do it, I'm a pussy. I'm scared of dying. No matter how much I think I deserve it.
The guilt must live on in me, or else it would be like they were never here.
I'm sitting in English class right now, class is almost over. Austin is here, and so is Kelly.
They've been trying to talk to me all morning, but I've been ignoring them, not even responding to them. I don't feel like I have anything to add to conversations. The depression is eating me alive; it's not helping that I'm so fucking tired.
After Ms. Farley's bitching ended, and subsequently, her class. I made my way to chemistry.
Mr. Radek was here. He looked worse off than I was.
But at least he's here.
During class, he wouldn't look my way. He'd barely looked at anyone.
He probably spent the night doing the exact same thing I did.
During class, I kept glancing my way to the seat that was once occupied by Spencer beside Carly. Now Emma was sitting in it.
She looks distraught. And when I was eavesdropping on their conversation, she doesn't know why she was so depressed.
Carly chalked it up as just a moody day from the weather.
Mr. Radek barely talked, he made the excuse that he was coming up with a cold and gave everyone an assignment to do instead and to review our previous lessons.
He seemed to keep up the façade that he's a responsible and capable teacher.
No, it's not a façade. He is capable.
There must have been a lot of days when terrible things happened in his life, and he still showed up to work and gave all of his students a smile. Even after his daughter died previously, he said he tried to make it to work.
During class, Emma had been shooting glances my way, I could feel her gaze. But I was too tired and too depressed to respond to her feelings.
I and Mr. Radek didn't speak to each other today. I don't think either of us are ready yet.
When class ended, I began wandering through the halls. Not really paying attention to anything.
I saw Emma and Carly standing in the entranceway to the school. Emma is trying to console her friend. Her friend Carly is a brunette girl, she's wearing a winter coat and ripped jeans, she also has a set of earrings on and two lip piercings on her face. She's small, comparatively. Emma seems much more toned and muscular in comparison, she's in a lot of sports after all.
I make my way to them.
"Hey... you alright, Carly?" I say in a depressed tone of voice and lean against the wall beside them. The walls are covered with sports trophies and other high-school crap. There are a lot of students passing by and leaving for lunch.
"No, maybe. I don't know." Her brown eyes stare obliviously forward.
"I keep feeling like, I'm forgetting something today. Or that something is missing." She says staring at passersby.
"Boyfriend troubles?" I ask.
"Of course not. I don't have a boyfriend, we can't all be blessed with great partners like Emma." She says sarcastically.
"Never mind... sorry Emms. Let's just drop it, okay? I'm feeling a bit sad. But it's probably just the weather."
She grabs her phone from her pocket and started scrolling through it and ignoring me.
"Oh, I thought you were dating Spencer. At least that's what Emma told me."
I say, pressing the conversation forward. I want answers, what did that thing mean by we'd disappear from history?
Emma looks at me and raises her eyebrows in confusion.
"Wasn't me, must've been your other girlfriend." She says sarcastically and laughs while looking at Carly.
"Spencer...?" Carly stays silent.
"I don't know a Spencer... Sorry. Maybe you dreamt that up. You shouldn't be dreaming of me, that's creepy."
She says while avoiding looking my way.
Emma's green eyes upturn to me.
"Sorry, maybe I did dream it up."
"As you can tell by my face, I haven't been sleeping much. I might be confusing you with someone else, that's my bad."
"Yeah, what's wrong with you? You look like garbage, my poor Danny. Do you need me to tuck you in? Can't sleep without me now? Are you having withdrawals for my affection, do you feel neglected."
Emma grabs hold of my hand.
It's warm. Her usual cold hands feel so warm.
The silence is awkward for a minute before Carly excuses herself.
I and Emma are alone now.
I lean against the wall of the school, I lean my head against Emma's shoulder, basically ready to fall asleep.
"Hey, no sleeping here. Let's go for a walk, I'm hungry too." Emma says to me, before leading me outside.
Now it's snowing.
There are little piles of snow forming against the grass of the school lawn, speckles of white against the green and yellow grass.
There are students walking around, talking with one another, but I feel like I'm droning them all out. Like they aren't here. It's more like, I'm not here. In the moment.
I'm still in the forest, pulling the knife from Spencer's throat.
The sound of our feet clacking against the pavement of the sidewalk beside the school echoes through the fall air.
I didn't even know we were walking that far. We're just at the basketball court beside the school.
There are a few boys playing ball, the same one before that I'd marked. His name was Brandon, he's still playing, and pretty committed to it, isn't he?
We make it to the back of the school.
Emma begins staring off into the field, probably unsure of what to do for lunch.
I stare down the long exterior of the school, along the pavement, to where I saw Emma and Spencer. All those months ago.
"So.... Uh."
Emma speaks.
"I know, we haven't talked much since this weekend. But um... are we dating now? I've been waiting so long to be able to call you, my boyfriend." She smiles softly and glances downwards at her feet.
Dating...?
I really, really... wish I could.
I wish I could hold your hand like this forever, to stare at the freckles that are so elegantly sprinkled across your pale skin, and to stare into your green eyes... I wish I could fall into your embrace, now I know the answer to my question in the forest.
I am in love with you, completely.
I would give anything to have never been a part of this game. And be, normal. Like I always wanted.
But if you stay with me, if you hang around me. You'll die, you could die. I could really lose you.
One last time, I hold your intertwined fingers with mine, and remember all the times we'd spent together. All those classes we'd spent together, working on labs, working on assignments together, the volleyball games I'd watch you from afar, and how you'd look to the crowd to see me and smile. You'd jokingly say, "This one's for you." And how we'd walk home together afterward.
I still never changed your phone from a stranger on my phone.
I let go of your hand.
"I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so... so sorry."
Her calm, comforting smile had disappeared. Her voice cracks, as tears begin to enter the corner of her eyes.
"...what?"
I'm overflowing with sadness right now, being with her was the happiest I'd ever been.
But I need to face the facts.
Being around me, she could die. And so could I, and she'd never even know I existed. Isn't that painful? And how would I explain the discrepancies in my future disappearances? When I'm caught killing someone, and go to jail, she wouldn't look at me the same.
Even now, I killed two people. I killed her best friends' boyfriend, I killed everyone's favorite teacher.
If she knew, could she still love me?
She'd die in the crossfire, she could be kidnapped, and tortured.
The only way to keep her safe is to be as far away from me as she can be.
Before she can bring herself to face the rejection, I begin walking back to the school.
She comes running to me.
"Why?! Is there something wrong with me? You were all over me this weekend, so what happened between then and now? Huh?"
She's speaking loudly, tears are streaming down her face. Her beautiful green eyes are bloodshot.
I don't have an answer I can give her.
"I'm sorry..."
"I don't want your fucking apologies. I want you to love me. I thought you were different than this, you always seemed like you only cared about me. You always have something stupid to say, why don't you have anything now, huh?"
Her face is going red with anger, or sadness.
I think back to last night.
I think about my knife pulling apart Spencer's throat.
How I tried to pull Ms. Simmons out of the forest, only to watch her die and hear her last words.
And how it was all my fault. I wish I could bring them back. I wish I could see Ms. Simmons' bright smile in biology again.
"I just... can't. It's complicated, there are a million things I wish I could tell you about myself, but I can't.
I know she won't take that for an answer. It's a shitty answer I could tell her I'm a drug addict. It's technically true.
"Then just tell me, is it why you didn't sleep last night? Is it why you haven't texted me back? Is there someone else?"
"There's no one else but you... for me. It is why I haven't been sleeping..."
"Then just tell me what it is."
"I can't... it wouldn't make sense to you anyway."
I say while turning my back away from her and walking back to the school.
"What is wrong with you..." She says while standing alone in the November weather.
I know we need to sever ties; I can't be vague with her.
I turn back to look at her one last time, she's leaning against the auburn bricks of the school and staring upwards, alone, at the snow.
It feels like I'm holding back tears right now.
When I make it back to school, my stomach feels like it wants to fall out of my abdomen.
I know I'm supposed to act normal, but it's normal for me to be depressed or moody, I'm a teenager.
If only that rule didn't exist, if only I could tell her everything.
But could she even understand it all?
And that other rule... I wish I could run so far away; I'd never look back.
My steps hit the empty floors and echo throughout the hallways.
The empty interior. The emptiness inside me.
Walking up the stairs, I'm again droning everything out. I don't want to be here, to begin with.
When I get up the stairs, I see Anna in the halls outside Ms. Simmons's class...
She's standing there leaning against the wall, looking down at her phone and books in her hand.
Her blonde hair is down today, her slim body sits against the wall of the hallway.
Seems like she's waiting for someone. Probably Claire.
As my steps draw closer to her, she looks up to greet me.
"Hey, Daniel." She says after noticing me walking toward her.
"You know... I never liked Mr. Hitchcock."
She stares down at the nameplate in front of the classroom.
It does, in fact, say, Mr. Hitchcock.
"I don't think I ever liked him either," I say lightheartedly.
"But you know."
She looks at me wide eyed, and almost coldly.
"Nobody believes me that Ms. Simmons existed." She says in a sad tone of voice.
I feel a cold sweat overcome me.
There's a slight pause in her next words as her blue eyes stare into mine.
"But I know you remember her, right Dan?"
"I know you're a part of the game, Dan."
...
"Mark."