1st Month of 284 A.C. Winterfell
Benjen Stark
The horrors of what had become the rebellion would not leave Benjen. He had not asked Ned for his account of the rebellion, but he suspected that what he was hearing from Martyn and those who had come back would be similar to what his brother had experienced. Guilt, so much guilt was eating away at him, guilt for agreeing with Lyanna that she should escape and that she should not have to marry Robert Baratheon, guilt for agreeing to play messenger between her and Prince Rhaegar. So much guilt he felt as if he would die from the pain of it all. And then there was the issues with father and Brandon, both had died because of this, both of them had died because he had not said no to Lyanna. Such guilt was crushing, it was eating away at him and it made him feel as though he was unworthy to remain in Winterfell. He had always borne some weight from mother's death, and now there was more, it was a crushing pain this weight, and he did not know how to relieve it.
He had tried drinking, but that did not agree with him, he had tried whoring but that had not agreed with him either. Nothing he did had agreed with him, the weight had not been removed, instead it had remained firmly in place, and in fact, one could argue it had only intensified following all of these acts. Benjen had tried acting the adult, but facing all of this uncertainty, all of this pain and he did not know just how to respond to it all. He had tried doing the things that his brother would have done, and yet Brandon was a man above others, the heir to Winterfell, he had seen how Ned had been angered by what he had said at Harrenhal, and then when he, Benjen, had confronted Ned about all of it before the war had begun, gods he did not know how to keep going, he wanted to breathe, but he did not know how to. The Godswood was his only sanctuary for now.
"I thought I mind find you here." the sound of his brother's voice pulls him out of his darkness, and he looks up. Ned had grown a beard during the war, it suits him, makes him look older, stronger.
"Have you come to scold me brother?" Benjen asks.
Ned shakes his head. "No, though running out from your lessons is not a good thing. You cannot keep doing that Benjen. You have to learn to fight your fears. I know maester Walys was not the best, but Maester Luwin promises to be better."
Benjen stares at his brother, not understanding how Ned could think the reason for him running out was memories of Walys and the hurt done there. Still the memories are painful and so he snaps. "What would you know of that? You were not here."
He regrets saying that almost immediately, for his brother's face takes on a look of hurt then. "I know I was not, but I knew Walys when I was a boy, I know what he was like, even if I did not see him when it got that bad."
"Why did father not get rid of him?" Benjen asks, hating how small his voice sounds then. How it always resorts to this tone when it comes to that damned maester.
"Because the man was the key to some of father's plans. It would seem. It was not smart, but it was something father had to do. And we suffered for it. All of us did." Ned responds.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? You grew up in the Vale, away from all of this." Benjen responds holding his hands out wide. "Away from the pain and the lies and the hurt. We were not as united a family as you might think Ned. Father and Brandon always used to argue, and Lya, well Lya always wanted to get away."
Ned looks at him sadly then. "I know. I know more than you think brother."
"What do you know?" Benjen asks, fighting the urge to scream. "What could you possibly know? What could you know, seeing as you spent most of your life in the Vale, whoring and drinking with the man who now sits the throne?"
His brother's face darkens then. "You told me some of what happened under Maester Walys when I was last here brother. And I have spoken with many of the people who were here when Walys was alive. Do not think I do not know what that man did, he is not alive now because I saw to it."
Benjen looks at his brother and asks. "What do you mean?"
His brother swallows then. "I had him killed. I could not bear the thought of him remaining here alive after all he had done to you and to Lya. I could not allow it. I did not know why father allowed him to remain here if he knew of what the man was doing, but now I think he did not know."
Benjen can hear the question in his brother's voice and feels his anger grow once more. "You think I could go to father and speak to him about this? You think he would have listened to me? You do not know father very well if you think that Ned. He cared more about securing his legacy than anything else. If we were a problem to that, we were disciplined and sent away."
"You still should have told him. He was our father, he would have wanted to know." Ned responds softly.
Benjen stares at his brother then, truly stares at him and snarls. "You think so? He did not want to admit he had no control over Lyanna, in fact the very fact that he had no control over her irked him. It angered him. When you were off living a dream in the Vale, I was here having to comfort Lya, because father was too much of a fool to understand her."
Ned looks as if he has been slapped across the face, his face is drawn wide, and his voice is soft when he speaks. "Is that why you let her go with Rhaegar? Were you trying to get back at father?"
Benjen looks at his brother and sighs. "I do not know. I did it because Lya asked it of me, and I have never said no to her. When we were growing up, it was just the two of us. Brandon was at Barrowton most of the time, and you, well you were at the Vale. We were the only ones either of us could count on. We kept each other's secrets and we made sure that we always protected one another. So when she came to me asking for my help, I did what I could do."
His brother fixes him with an appraising gaze. "And did you not think of what the consequences of these actions could be? Lyanna was betrothed to Robert, and the Baratheons are not known for their patience or their understanding."
Benjen considers this question, he really thinks through it, did they ever think of the risks that might come from such actions as they did carry out? He knows he did not, Lyanna wanted his help and he did what she asked. It was only much later, when he learned of what Brandon had done that he began to worry. He looks at Ned then, the man who had to take the mantle of power because of their actions, and he feels so much sorrow and grief, his words come out thick and heavy. "No, I did not."
"You only did what Lya asked of you?" Ned asks.
Benjen nods and feels something break within him at the look of pain that crosses his brother's face. "I did what she asked, I did not think of it. I did not think it would become so bad."
His brother is silent for a long time then, and in that silence Benjen has time to think, to think through all that has happened over the past three years. He knows that there were times when Lyanna and he would wish Ned was the heir to Winterfell, not Brandon. Brandon was their older brother, but he was a terror sometimes, there were times when Benjen would be damned scared of his oldest brother, in a way he never was of Ned. Ned was always kind, but never in a thousand years would Benjen have ever wished for his brother to die. He looks at Ned now and wonders if his brother has similar thoughts. Eventually his brother speaks. "What is done is done, there is no real point in looking to fix it. We can only now hope to guide the future and the present with our current actions. Therefore, I must ask that next time, you do not walk out of a lesson with maester Luwin. He is not Walys, he is a good man, and I know he will do you good."
Benjen looks at his brother then, and wonders, he wonders if Ned had always been like this, or if this is something that he had to develop because of the war, the war that he and Lya had forced on them with their recklessness, the weight of guilt is crushing. So much so that he blurts out. "I am thinking of taking the black."
The look that crosses his brother's face is one of surprise, hurt and outrage all in one. Benjen never thought a Stark's face could look so expressive, he would laugh but his brother's expression is quite serious now. "Absolutely not, I will not allow it."
Benjen looks at his brother and responds. "Why not? There is honour in serving in the Night's Watch."
His brother walks up to him then and places his hands on his shoulders, Benjen expects his brother to shake him, and so is surprised when Ned responds softly. "Because should anything happen to me, you are Robb's heir. Should anything happen to me, you will need to help raise my son and our nephew, and help Catelyn rule Winterfell and the north. Our family is not as strong as it once was, our family is not as plentiful as it once was. We must stay together, you must remain here and sire children as well."
"What if I am not worthy of this?" Benjen asks, hating how pleading his voice sounds. "I helped start a war Ned. I helped Lyanna flee with Rhaegar. If I had been able to say no, perhaps she would never had had it so easy when it came time for fleeing with the Prince. If I had spoken up when father had prepared to go south, perhaps he would still be alive and you would never have had to go to war. If I had spoken perhaps Brandon would not have run to King's Landing. I have done so much damage Ned, I do not know if I am worth all of this."
He can feel tears running down his cheeks, and he looks at his brother and feels pain flow through him. "I do not for a moment think you responsible for what happened. Lyanna would have found a way to escape with Prince Rhaegar no matter what, and as for Brandon, he would have gone charging down regardless, for that is what Brandon was, he was someone who acted without thinking. You had no control over the actions of others. You have to know that brother."
Benjen looks at his brother then, hating how much he is crying, the tears flowing down his cheeks freely now. "Why does it hurt so much? If I did nothing to contribute to our family's hurt, why do I hurt so much?"
His brother looks at him, and then he says softly. "Because we are a pack, and when one of our members dies, it hurts us all. We have lost three of our pack Ben, that is something that can never be replaced, but we have three new members. We have to stay strong for them. Promise me you will."
Benjen stares at his brother, sees the pleading look there, and though he wants to protest, to say that he has been strong for too long, he finds himself nodding and agreeing. "Alright, I shall stay strong. But I do not know if I want to marry Ned."
His brother laughs then, a joyful sound to Benjen's ears. "Oh of course not, you are at that age now then are you? Women are both attractive and not in the same vein?"
Benjen wipes his eyes and smirks. "Something like that brother, something like that." he pauses a moment and then asks. "What are you going to do about our nephew?"
His brother's face becomes grim then, and for a moment Benjen regrets asking the question. His brother's voice is serious when he responds. "I intend to ensure that Jon is raised safe and sound within Winterfell. He is our brother's bastard, and whilst it pains me to despoil Brandon's memory it is perhaps something those within the north are more likely to believe, and furthermore, it means that Robert will not think twice. For he is not one who wants to miss a chance to make fun where he can. Jon will be given the teachings befitting his station, and he will in time come to know who he is."
"And what have you told your wife?" Benjen asks.
"The truth." his brother responds.
"Are you sure that is wise?" Benjen asks.
"It is the wise course. I need her as an ally in this, I cannot lie to her about our nephew, not when he is to be raised in our home." Ned says.
Benjen considers this. "Is she someone who can be trusted? I know father was all for being more integrated with the south, but can she really be trusted to keep the secret, even if it means her son's life is in danger? You know what the Tullys words are, what is there to say that she doesn't use them against you?"
His brother stares at him for a long moment, his expression solemn. "Because I intend to make sure that her family words make her see the benefit of treating Jon as if he were her son. I will not allow any harm to come to Lya's boy, he is innocent of any wrong done by his parents. I need you by my side, I need you here with me, I cannot do this myself, and you will be needed to aid in this."
Benjen looks at his brother, a whirl of thoughts in his mind, he thinks of what he and Lyanna did here in the godswood, in what they shared here, of the secrets they made here, and the secrets they kept here. He wonders of the secrets they found here and whether or not the time is right to tell Ned, he can tell his brother is waiting for his response, he takes a deep breath and then says. "There is something I need to show you Ned. Please come with me."
He walks from the heart tree toward a place he knows only he and Lya, of his siblings, knew about. He walks and walks, past the snow covered ground, he knows Ned is wondering where he is taking him, he feels something akin to sorrow, knowing his and Lya's secret will soon not be a secret, but it is for the best. If this thing will help his nephew in the future, then by the gods he will show it to Ned. He continues walking and then stops before the entrance to a cave. He turns and looks at his brother. "Have you ever been here before?"
Ned shakes his head. "I have not. What is this place?"
"It is the place where Starks of old used to come to bury some of their deepest secrets. I found it with Lya when we were little. Come with me, there is something I need to show you." Benjen responds, and he turns round, and without waiting for Ned's response, walks toward the cave and then through the entrance. The cave is dark, and cold, so very cold, but he walks onward through the darkness, hearing his brother's footsteps behind him. His breathing is somewhat shallow, he has forgotten just how narrow the cave could become in the mind. He remembers speaking of this with his mother in his dreams, and he wonders at that, but quickly clears that from his mind. He keeps walking, past crude drawings on the cave that depict things he would rather not think about, eventually he comes to a stop by the pool.
He looks at Ned and his brother asks. "What in the name of the seven hells is this place Benjen, and why have you brought me here?"
Benjen takes a breath and then says. "I came here during the rebellion once, to get away from things, and I came to the pool here, and found something within it. Put your hands in the water Ned."
"Benjen, what are you trying to say?" his brother asks.
"Just put your hands in the water brother." Benjen responds.
His brother looks at him then and then sticks his hands into the cold water, his brother winces then, but then a look of confusion and surprise crosses his face. Benjen looks at his brother as he pulls out a white egg, a pale white egg with blue swirls. Ned looks at him and asks. "Is this what I think it is?"
Benjen smiles. "It is, and if you should so chose, it can be what helps guides Jon through to what is his."