I can't breathe

Everything hits me, all at once. Too much. Too fast.

The lights… Overhead, waking me up from my sleep. The curtains suddenly shoved aside, sun beaming down on my still tired eyes. The screen of the phone, telling the time, and confirming that I, yet again, snoozed the alarm… The sounds… A mother's sharp voice not letting me sleep in. The light clinking of forks on plates. A father's dismissive approval of another near perfect test score… The smells… Bacon and eggs. The familiar, cheap cologne of a man that gave up long ago. The slight hint of smoke from a candle that's lost its signature "Pound Cake" scent… The pain… Slight headache, an annoyance, from a father that doesn't seem to care. Heartache, the dog, Baby, she's gone and won't be coming back, "She's better off out in the countryside," Confusion, feeling conflicted, beliefs, feelings, convictions, teachings, they don't add up…

I… can't… breathe..

The lights… The dull glow of a full moon peeking through the wispy smoke like clouds, the faint flickering of the moths circling the porch light, the numbers on the dash as the needle goes past 120… The sounds… Anger, turning to disappointment, turning to sadness, and onto the sternness of parental voices… "You're still our son… Still our —----"... the revving of the car engine as it reaches speeds it wasn't meant to reach, the sobbing, sniffling, and coughing of a girl who is now alone… The smells… the distinct smell of the air just before rainfall, burning of the car's engine overheating from the stress it was being put through, then snot, a runny nose… The pain… anxiety, finally building up the courage to let out the feelings, wounded, feelings were denied, tossed aside, ignored. Betrayal, where there was supposed to be love, acceptance and comfort… there was only fear, ignorance, and pain…

I… CAN'T… BREATHE!…

The lights… The streetlight flickering every few seconds overhead. The headlights of the car tearing off down the street. The flashing red and blue arriving… far too late to help like they should have… The sounds… The loud gunshot from a man I knew nothing about. The sound of choking, blood bubbling in her mouth, coughing, struggling to hang on. The sirens… those stupid… fucking… useless… sirens!... The smells… Burning rubber, of the car that sped away… A black, four door sedan. License plate number AGL5672. Dent in the passenger side rear fender and a scratch about 2 inches long on the trunk… Blood.. Her blood… spilling out onto the sidewalk… onto me… Fresh donuts… The pain… The pain… The pain… THE FUCKING PAIN.. THE… FUCKING… PAIN!!!...

I

CANNOT

BREATHE!!!