My hands grabbed the white sports shirt and tried to pull over my belly while walking in my navy shorts towards the field. I can see a few boys below in their school sports uniform waiting for P.E. to begin. I walked amongst a few girls down the slope to meet the few boys and I noticed Andy standing near his friend talking in hushed tones. He may have felt my eyes on him because he turned to look at me, so I immediately pulled away. I stood near the edge of the group with my shoulders squared waiting for the P.E. teacher walking towards them with a ball.
My mind was busied with thoughts of discomfort with my body and my old insecurities bubbled up. My body currently made me feel heavier and more vulnerable than I did before the other time. It was the default for my body being round and a little heavier, but people around me made it clear that I wasn't normal. I'm placed back into the worst time of my life with a body that made me feel miserable. My shoulders were loosened to fall naturally beside me and I calmly took a breath letting my anxieties and fears fade. The teacher stopped before the school kids and blew his whistle.
"Hey, guys welcome back to your second term of school." He announces enthusiastically.
Wearing the school's tracksuit of white pants and white jack stripped diagonally mirrored by the centre of navy, gold and black. He was a tall black man with a shaven look and a large afro. "Guys, you know the drill." He beams, looking across the crowd before losing a smile and bellows with a command. "Jog! 5 laps around the cones."
Everyone straddles in grunts at the nearest cone and begins running around. I jogged behind the group feeling my body slowly lose its strength pretty fast. 'Goddammit, was I this bad?' I questioned loudly before nudging myself to jog faster.
I noticed myself run past a few students before I felt my body lose strength, so I steadily paced myself. The jog ended with students standing or sitting on the ground while I took a few steps feeling my piece of sandwich rise along my throat. My arms wrapped around my midsection for a moment, I took a harsh breath and stood quietly looking out to the sports field. '
"Hey, missy on your hands," the coach called out to me.
I turned to see the class on the ground mounting into pushup position and could snicker as I slowly walked closer to everyone before getting onto my knees.
"12 pushups, guys. Since I'm great, you can all play football," he says with a few cheers among the boys. I raise my knees with my legs straightened and began to lower myself to the ground. I rose comfortably, I dipped again with my chest pressing against the ground and attempted to raise. I struggled significantly feeling the thin strands of muscles in my arm tremble violently. I look at the grass shadowed by my body and feel my body almost shut down at that moment.
"Hey, just do it with your knees on the floor with legs crossed." I heard the whisper in familiar beside me. I turn to see her beside me doing her pushups with her eyes trained on the floor with her breath perfectly controlled. My eyes still looking at her, I fall onto my knees with my hands slipping as my chin hits the ground with a thud. I could scream, but I felt irritated at the pain and stared at Chiara attempting to say something. In a positive position, her green eyes turned to notice her lying on the floor with her face lightened with sweat.
"Hey, kid. I asked for pushups," I can hear the teacher looking down at me from behind.
"Are you fine?"
My eyes can see the sincerity in his eyes. "Yeah, I will just finish these pushups." I picked myself up with my arms straight and my knees on the floor.
I did the pushups with little struggle and finished them. I stood up and noticed the class was done, a few were watching me. I lowered my eyes to the floor and took a single step.
"Okay, Here's the ball gentlemen. And Ladies," he adds throwing two balls on the ground. I slowly stepped back away from the action to stand under a tree with a group of girls chatting amongst each other. I leaned on the tree watching the boys play while the girls walked further down near the sports field to play a ball game. A few girls played soccer with the boys; Chiara seemed to lead the small girls in a skirmish with her natural ability. I watched her play and felt slight embarrassment hit me realizing she was looking at me lying on the ground. My hand rubbed beneath my chin, feeling a few scratches and a hard node develop.
'So clumsy, so weak… worst of all, I couldn't talk to an old friend.' I thought watching her confront the defenders with aggression but lose the ball with a player nearly tackling her. 'What's so scary talking to her? I mean I know her' I grinned devilishly at my thoughts filling my understanding of the strongest position.
I can grow a pair and just approach her for conversation to strike a friendship, but how am I going to do it? My eyes notice a girl with freckles run forward across the field and pass the ball forward to Chiara. Her foot caught the ball, her foot rested near it while she stared at the goalkeeper who guarded a makeshift goalpost made with pairs of tekkies and socks stuff within either pair. Her leg extends and shoots, but the ball flies through the air and misses the hand of the keeper who struck out a second too late.
"Ohhhh! ahahaha," I was elated seeing the girls sitting before me stare at me. I quietly looked away feeling my anxiety rise and didn't notice Chiara look at me for a moment before running back to position.