2nd April, 20??
This Bitch is back!
Dear Dia,
I can't wait to tell you how my day went.
This is one of those times that, as I write, my hands can't keep pace with the words rushing through my mind. The scenarios of the day can't even be detailed here, but I will try to tell you as much as possible.
The night before, after my last entry, I tossed and turned on my bed for hours. Sleep refused to pay me a visit. Not even with Enya's voice thrumming in my ears. Her voice had always soothed me, but not that night. I tried shutting my eyes and breathing slowly. For hours, I did that, yet sleep evaded me. I tried yoga, hoping to restore calm to my inner being. That was a waste of time. Finally, I gave up trying to make myself fall asleep and just laid there in utter still, Enya's voice still thrumming from my puffy headset.
I don't even remember when the enveloping hands of sleep carried me away. She carried me to mom, actually. I saw her planting in our garden, the gown she wore– light, free and gossamer; gently swaying in an unnatural wind. Her sunhat was draped over her head and her face was concealed in its wild brim.
As I approached, she tilted her face up at me, a smile radiating on her angelic visage. Dad had been right, mom was an angel. With her dirt-coated hand, she beckoned me forward and as I knelt with her, I realized that I was in my year 11 body– the year she had died.
She was teaching me how to make the perfect flower bed for an orchid, which is the most difficult flower to grow, but I was getting it all wrong. Again and again, I tried, but mine didn't look anything like hers and I remember telling her that I had given up. At that, she had stopped working, dusted her hands on her apron, still smiling she said,
"My dearest Anna, surely I taught you better than to give up. Never ever give up just because you aight doing it like others, you are different and everything about you– ought to be. My baby girl can do anything, and she shouldn't allow anyone to convince her otherwise."
Nodding at her words with the brightest smile on my face, I dug my fingers into the dirt to try again and that's when I woke up. From the alarm by my lamp, the time was 4:45am and that was enough time to curl my hair into ringlets, take a hot long bath, apply a light yet betoning make-up and dress like the sassy bitch I am.
Gone were my faded baggy jeans and loose tops. Gone were looks that screamed depression and sadness. I was out of mourning, and it's time for plaids and crop tops. It was time to shine and dazzle.
Mom's words kept echoing as I readied myself for school, giving me the confidence I had lacked the previous night. Before others could wake up, I was already at the kitchen helping myself to coffee and breakfast. I made omelettes filled with chives and cheese with toast, just the way mom used to make them. They had stared at me and the food I made like I was an alien. Like they weren't sure if it was really me. I gave them no heed, not even when Henry gave credit for my new behavior to the clothes and car packed in the garage. I was fry, and they would never know why, even with a thousand guesses.
After breakfast, we left for school. Sitting behind the steering wheel of Daze felt like home, she was mine and I, hers. The steering wheel fitted my hands like they were made specifically for me and dear God, her sound as she revved and zoomed away… it was… delight. And added to it was 'Bad reputation' by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, blaring on her speakers.
We had stopped to pick Michelle. What! Dia?. I wanted her to ride on my baby girl and, so what, you can quit the jealousy, you will ride on Daze tomorrow when I take you to school."
As we waited for her to finish, Henry told me,
"For a girl who has been warned about the cruelty of the Divas, you sure like been on their radar. Is it not enough that they almost tried to kill you? Now you're rubbing your rich background on their faces, looking and dressing like them to make them jealous or to allure Liam, I don't know. Just be careful."
Were it last night, I would have been moved by his words, but Mom's baby girl can't cower by bitches who should be learning from her. The Divas were little girls compared to me. They can't even hold a candle to my bearing and sexiness. I have been doing this far longer than them and though they are beautiful, yet they still have got things to learn. Like how to trap all eyes with just a skillful toss of hair or how to upend beauty with grace and affluence. Indeed, there was so much they still needed to learn, and I would be a fool to allow such amateurs to bother me. Shrugging and dismissing his words, I said,
"Oh poor Henry, are you scared? Well, don't be, your stepsister isn't a girl to mess with, besides I'm still planning something for what those asshats did to me on my birthday, so I haven't forgotten. And my mom would never want me to continue living like the wallflower I had been. Also we have a plan; don't we? You are to pretend you still hate me and that way you get to watch my back. Speaking of that, you should go to the backseat. That will make it more convincing."
Michelle sat in the front with me as we yelled along 'Bad reputation' and drove to school. Our presence was quite a sensation, students on the driveway and those who were supposed to be making their way inside stopped to stare at the gleaming body of Daze in the early morning sun. Moreso, they wanted to know those behind the wheels, those who were yelling as if the blaring of the song wasn't enough.
The sun was shining on the windshield, so they couldn't make us out immediately and some had already dismissed us for the Divas… until we stepped out. I was wearing a black cropped top with the words "This bitch is back" emblazoned in white on its front. I paired it with blue tight high-waisted ripped jeans, a silver chain sparkling on my neck, my statement earrings like drops of ice on my ears, my black leather Lita boots crunching on the gravel as I majestically catwalked to the grand glass doors that opened to the halls of St. Nicholas High.
Michelle flanked to my right and Henry trailed behind, keeping his distance with a convincing scowl on his face. Eyes followed us as we… no, eyes followed me as I walked on. My heels clicking softly on the marble floors, it shouldn't even be audible, but silence had hushed on the halls as soon as I took a step from the doors.
Exactly like in movies, it felt like time slowed, 'Bad reputation' faintly played as if from a distance, breeze danced with my hair, each slowed step giving more effect than the last. Hushed whispers followed from hunched groups standing in front of lockers, hands pointed, mouths ajarred, books dropped, seniors whistled, students backed away to their lockers leaving a path for us, a student even fainted when I gracefully and artfully bounced my curls.
I reveled and basked in their shock, attention, stares and comments.
"Who's that hot girl? Is she new? What's her name? Is she one of the Divas? Who exactly is she? Isn't she the girl who threw up on her birthday cake? Are you sure it's her?" I heard them asking each other as I passed.
Just when I was standing directly in the middle of the school's escutcheon, painted on the pale whitewashed timeworn tiles in red and black– the proud colors of St. Nicholas High, I came face to face with the Divas.
Mia Hover stood looking as mad as a charging bull heading for the scarlet scarf. Though even in her mad state, she still managed to look hot. Flanked by her sides like bouncers were Suzzy and Alicia. Their stance alone gave me the hint that I was already deep in enemies' waters.
Michelle cowered and drew back, Henry was nowhere in sight and I faced the matriarchy alone. The whole school watched, holding their breath. I should have been scared but I was anything but. I'm my mom's daughter and fear wasn't an option. As I made to protest why they blocked my part, Mia spoke,
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Cinderella. I see you were paid a visit by the fairy godmother, hence the change of clothes and carriage. Do well to remember, all of it will expire before the stroke of midnight, so feel free to flaunt them now because they won't last."
The last statement had been a threat, and she delivered it as it was, coming to stand inches away from me and boring into my eyes. I give it to her, the girl had balls, but Annabel Mace isn't a girl to cower at mere threats. So I smiled at her words and said,
"Oh you forget that before the stroke of midnight, I will already have charmed the prince. I will leave an impression so vivid that he will search the whole kingdom for me. If I were you, I wouldn't be bothered by my looks and charm. I would focus on the prince after all, he's the catch and, dear Mia, you see all this- I demonstrated my clothes and looks- they are here to stay. My fairy godmother made her magic permanent, so do what you may, but I warn you, I won't mess with me." I finished with a snare.
She clicked her tongue as she stared at me, shocked by my boldness. No one dared speak or move as we stared each other down, then finally she said to her girls,
" Come on, she will learn soon enough that no one messes with the Divas."
With that, they walked away while shoving me as they passed. The students waited until they were far gone before they hailed and praised me. They gave me names,
" The Brave One"
" The first to take a stand"
"The girl with guts"
"Cinderella"
Amongst other names, they chanted as I walked to my locker. While I arranged my books, collecting those I needed and stacking those I didn't, Liam appeared beside me. Leaning on the locker with his arms folded, he said,
"Damn girl, you are rocking this new look… but surely you are aware that when I said that you must have a plan, this wasn't it."
He wore a black tee that clung to his body and showed off his muscles and tanned arms. His black and red Dodgers jacket, tucked between his folded arms. Black jeans and sneakers completed his look. On his face, he had that grin that makes one's heart race and mine was definitely racing. There's something about Liam's demeanor that made me uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. With him close, I could be the fool and also not make a fool of myself. Does that even make sense to you, Dia?
Anyway, I returned his smile and coquettishly said,
"I know, I know, but this is better, right? It was actually my mom's words that gave me the courage to be this girl again after so many years of mourning and being the wallflower."
By the time I was done, no smile remained on my face. Mentioning mom still did that even as I was beginning to accept her absence. He understood that I needed a moment, so he added before walking away,
"I love the new look, it's so… so you, and your mom was right. You are too fine a flower to remain on the wall. See you around, Mace and um… am I wrong to assume that you have been avoiding me since my visit to the hospital, seeing that you no longer frequent your favorite spot anymore?"
I was about to tell him why I hadn't visited Jerry's place in a while, but he was already gone. Drawing all eyes before, they refocused on me as he disappeared into a bend. Michelle came back after that and said,
"I'm glad I was there the day you stepped on Mia, the day we first spoke cause now I very much like being your friend. The whole thing is exhilarating, to say the least."
I merely smiled at her, still hinged on Liam's compliment of being "too fine a flower", the sadness caused by mom's mention forgotten. Then hooking an arm around mine, we walked off to class.
My entire day was stares upon stares. At class. In the halls. In the cafeteria. Everywhere I went. At a point, it felt too much that I wanted to get away. To hide away from it all. My years as a wallflower had made me accustomed to not being the center of attention, and suddenly I am, so of course, I'm right to feel a bit suffocating by their stares. But I couldn't hide away, I have come so far as to retreat back to that girl. After all, this will all become normal in a few weeks.
With that resolve, I continued to bask in their stares and dismiss the glares of those who were loyal fans of the Divas. Even as I wanted to be anywhere but there. Soon enough, it was over, and I was once again allowed the privacy of my room. I had planned to go to Jerry's place that evening to clear things up with Liam, but I was too tired to venture out of my room.
Has it always been this exhausting? Was it this draining back then?
The thought that I have to do this every day almost made me rethink the whole thing. But can I really spend my whole life dreading the attention dressing well would bring? That a bit of affluence would spark? One way or another, this is my life and I have to live it. No matter what, I have to go back to remembering how much I had loved this, how much I had wanted it. Only then can I find a way to live through it.
I have to go select tomorrow's attire… the parade continues, so goodbye for now, Dia.