In a dimly lit room, a TV flickers, casting a bluish glow. On the screen, Peter Parker, in his Spider-Man suit, stands tall and resolute, delivering his iconic line.
"With great power comes great responsibility." Peter says earnestly, just before pulling on his mask and webbing through the skyline.
Suddenly, the TV screen freezes with Spider-Man mid-swing, and the room is filled with a frustrated groan.
"Goddamn fucking TV!!"
The camera pans to reveal a red and black figure, his perfectly sculpted buttocks prominently displayed. Deadpool, aka Wade Wilson, furiously jabs at the remote control, his mask crumpled slightly from his grimace.
As the TV remains stubbornly paused, Deadpool drops the remote and gets on his knees, trying to fix the cables behind the TV. "These fucking TVs, man. Always crapping out right when the movie gets good!" he mutters, wiggling his behind inadvertently.
Deadpool straightens up, dusting off his hands. "Alright, readers, listen up! Let's break the fourth wall for a sec. You know, the best part about these superhero flicks? The ass-kicking and the tight spandex! I mean, seriously, how does Peter fit all that junk in his trunk? Must be the spider bite."
He walks over to the TV, giving it a kick for good measure. "Come on, you piece of crap! Work! This is why we can't have nice things." He smirks and turns back to the imaginary audience. "Bet you didn't expect to see this kind of tech support, huh? Maybe I should start a geek squad. 'Deadpool's Fix-It Services: We Fix Shit and Talk Shit!' Catchy, right?"
Deadpool pulls out a wrench from seemingly nowhere and starts tinkering with the TV. "You know, in another life, I could've been an electrician. Or a stripper. Probably a stripper. Can you imagine me in a thong?" He pauses, looking thoughtful. "Nah, too many dollar bills would ruin the suit. And speaking of suits, why does Spider-Man get all the love? Oh mamamiya!!.."
Deadpool pauses, eyes trailing back to the screen, fixating on Spider-Man's behind. " I mean, look at Peter Parker's buttocks! Like a hot chick's... well, a hot chick dude's. No wonder Mary Jane wants that ass. Can't say I blame her."
Finally, with a dramatic flourish, Deadpool slaps the side of the TV, and it springs back to life. Spider-Man resumes his swing, the cityscape rushing past. Deadpool steps back, admiring his handiwork. "There we go! Fixed it! Just needed the Deadpool touch. Or maybe the TV was just playing hard to get."
He plops down on the couch, grabbing a chimichanga from a tray. "Alright, back to the action. And remember, kids, if your TV ever breaks, just give it a good smack. Or call me. For a small fee, I'll show up, fix your electronics, and probably make a pass at your mom. Or dad. Equal opportunity and all."
A gruff voice cuts through the room. "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep here."
Deadpool turns to see Wolverine, shirtless, his chiseled abs glistening. "Well, look at that. Damn, I'm soaking wet right now." Deadpool quips, his eyes tracing over Wolverine's muscles.
"Fuck you!" Wolverine snarls. Without hesitation, he lunges at Deadpool, stabbing him in the body and face with his adamantium claws, like any other normal day for them.
Deadpool, despite the blood spurting from his wounds, winks at the camera. "Readers, this is our love language."
Wolverine, retracting his claws, grumbles as he walks away. "One of these days, Wade, one of these days..."
Deadpool, regenerating almost immediately, stands up and dusts himself off. "Ah, Logan. Always playing hard to get." He grins, looking at the audience. "You know, this is what makes our relationship special. The stabbing, the healing, the sexual tension. It's like Twilight, but with more blood and better abs."
Wolverine growls "Fuck you, Wade."
Deadpool chuckles. "And that's why I love you, you big, hairy lug." He blows a kiss in Wolverine's direction before turning back to the camera. "Alright, folks. Until next time, remember: life's short, eat more chimichangas, and always appreciate a good stabby-stabby session with your best bud. Also, don't forget to watch the Deadpool and Wolverine movie!"
Wolverine's voice growl "If they don't watch, I'll beat them up."
Deadpool's eyes widen in surprised face. "Oh my gosh!! Did you just break the fourth wall?"
Deadpool grins at the camera. "Welp, until next time, folks. Keep it dirty, keep it funny, and always appreciate a good ass shot. Deadpool out!"