(Change POV)
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06:12 AM.
She is still a cry baby, she will admit that. But to be fair it's been really a while for her to bawling her eyes out like a kid like this. She doesn't really remember when exactly, but she can still faintly remember that she once cried so hard like this when she heard some monk apprentices in the past saying something not so nice to her for being talentless and worthless despite being the granddaughter of Kawakami Tesshin.
She doesn't really know what happened to those people afterwards since she never sees them again on the next day, but she still remembered the angry look on Onee-sama's when it happened. It was so scary, she kids you not.
But she digressed. Lately, ever since Yonpachi-kun has started to become someone significant in her life days ago, she feels somehow vulnerable when it comes to him. It always feels like he can read her like a book so easily, almost like Yamato did.
But the thing is, she and Yamato is a childhood friend. They have been together for a long time now, same with other members of Kazama Family. So it kind of makes sense to her if that cunning strategist was able to read her like a book considering how long they've been spending time together. Miyako and Onee-sama is capable of doing the same thing as well after all. Though most of the times they are acting like an owner watching over her as if she was a dog or something.
She's not a dog, dang it!
The difference between them and Yonpachi-kun is that they are never really trying to pick out her problems so easily like Yonpachi-kun did. Or maybe they could, but she would never know that unless she can read their minds or something. But at least she knows that they never try to address the problems like Yonpachi-kun did.
Some might argue that it's them being considerate to her. That might be true, but she believes that they are simply content being a bystander, doing nothing but watching over her from the sideline.
When they realize something is wrong, they would ask her if she was okay. She appreciated their concerns, she really did. That showed her how caring they are. But... but there was a time she wished when she said the opposite of what she really felt, they didn't stop their approach and just cross over the line. If they are really cares for her they should do that at least. That's what she believed.
Of course she felt bad for having such a bad thought about them, she really does. She doesn't like it, but deep down inside her heart she knows what she wants. She wanted them to move forward, to cross the line, to show that they are indeed care for her rather than show it with just a word. She wished for them to stop being a bystander when she said she was okay when she was actually not.
She had a hope that they will understand her eventually. Yet in a contrast to what she hoped, even after years have passed, nothing's changed. They still stand on the sideline, not moving an inch and simply content watching over her like usual.
Ah.
As if struck by lightning, her body frozen still as she begins to realize something very important. She now understands why Yonpachi-kun is different from the people around her.
It's been a year that she and Yonpachi-kun became a classmate, but if she's being honest right now, she doesn't have any memorable moment or interaction with him at all in that year not until days ago. The day where they fought in a duel, resulting in one of the most embarrassing moment in her life.
The talk they had in the infirmary back then were intriguing, infuriating, embarrassing, and inspiring.
It wouldn't be the first time she'd been honest with herself and told her true feelings to somebody else. So she half-heartedly believes that Yonpachi-kun would be the same as others, thinking that he would draws the line and join the other to be a bystander as well. Everyone in her life has been doing that so far.
But much to her surprise and joy, Yonpachi-kun didn't do that. Instead he fearlessly moved forward, jumping over the line without hesitation and shamelessly sticks his nose into her personal zone. All just so he can help her with whatever problem she burdened with.
That's the first time she ever felt her heart beating so fast as if it would explode by any moment due to how fast it pumps up.
When she feels slowly drowned by the muddled and negative emotions lingering inside her heart, Yonpachi-kun has somehow found his way to pull her out of it. She noticed that he is never afraid to speak his mind when it comes to her. Of course, she understands the reason why he did so. She is not that stupid to miss his genuine intention to help her. He is seemingly always tried his best to make sure that she's alright, that she won't be devoured by her own self-deprecating thoughts.
Whatever he did, it is always for her sake.
She can feel her heart hammering down like crazy inside her chest when her brain finally registered such embarrassing thought. It's going so fast that she won't even be surprised if her heart suddenly popping out of her chest by any moment now.
This is the first time a boy around her age was going this far for her sake, that's why her heart is doing some funny things right now. There's also the fact that this boy was saying something embarrassing just now like it was nothing!
Stupid Yonpachi-kun!
All of a sudden an image of certain boisterous grey-haired young man with an x-shaped scar on his forehead flashed over her mind. That person also loved to say something embarrassing and sings a high praise about her each time they coincidentally encountered each other. He always said that he will support her, emotionally and financially, if she ever needs help.
But unfortunately it's just that.
In the end, just like the others he was doing the same thing. He decided to drew the line and watch over her from the sideline instead, something that another young man with black hair and sharp eyes did as well.
Tacchan. She thought that he would be different.
She and Tacchan had been together longer than the members of Kazama Family. With both of them hailed from the same orphanage, she thought that they had something special between them, something that can differentiate him from the others. She once believed that Tacchan would be the first person to cross the line, to help her move forward, and yet he was also content being a bystander just like the others.
That's why Yonpachi-kun feels so different and special to her right now.
The temperature of her body suddenly rising up and her face starts heating up like a boiling kettle with a hot steam pouring out of her red ears. She instinctively looked up to stare the boy's face, but she suddenly has a strong urge to look the other way so she doesn't have to look at that boyish, sweet, and cute smile on his face—Eep!!!
What was that just now!? Ugh, why she's being so conscious about him right now! She doesn't understand at all!
Mou, seriously! Just what's happening to me right now!? Uuuh, Onee-sama, please help me!
She really wants to dig a hole and hide inside of them so bad right now. But there's also this part of her that doesn't want to part away with this comfortable warmth coming out of Yonpachi-kun's body.
She just loves the way his muscled and rugged arms resting on her body, wrapping them in a protective manner. Meanwhile his callous palm and strong digits found their way onto the back of her head, caressing them in a slow, gentle motion as she enjoyed every sensation of her long hair being brushed through his fingers.
She really loves this moment that she almost doesn't want all of this to end at all.
Then the feeling of mortification started bubbling inside her chest which makes her scream internally, cringing at her own embarrassing thoughts as she buried her red face deep into Yonpachi-kun's chest.
"Wanko?" The sound of his voice calling her pet name causes her whole body to involuntarily twitch as she slowly retracts her head from his chest to look up at him, "Are you okay?"
The worry was evident laden in his voice and it warmth her when she feels just how much Yonpachi-kun cared for her. She felt something fluttering inside her stomach, especially after she met his warm brown orbs.
This maybe the first time she ever look someone up close like this and the fact that she found a person's eyes to be beautiful as well. It's not kind of exotic beauty like from those Anime she just watched with Onee-sama last night. Appearance wise hey were just normal looking brown-colored orbs, nothing unique about them. But what makes them special and beautiful in her eyes is how bright and vibrant they are. Each time their eyes met each other she can see and feel the emotions swirled within those light brown-colored eyes.
The adoration she can feel through his eyes was something that brought a strong jolt to her spine as she felt those unfamiliar electrical surges rushing back once again, tickling the insides of her body in a weird yet pleasurable way.
Why are you doing this much for someone like me? Why do you have such emotion when you look at me? Why are you so kind to me? Just why...?
Those words... It stuck deep in her throat. She wanted to say it. She wanted to hear his answer so bad. But the fear and anxiety that's slowly threatening her mind right now seemingly makes her a coward. She suddenly finds his answer to be... scary. She's afraid that if somehow his answer was not something she hoped, she thinks something important would break inside her and that scares her the most.
Yet her mouth was moving on its own before she could even stop it, "Why...?"
It was nothing but a small whisper. She won't even be surprised if he missed it, but from the look on his face it seems like he heard her just fine. He looked stunned for a moment, seemingly lost to what to say regarding her sudden question before something clicked inside his head if the smile that appeared on his face was any indication.
"I just want to help you." His answer was short, simple, and easy to understand.
It's nothing complicated really, and yet she feels something stirred inside her heart as they resonated strongly with those words. A word that sounds foreign to her for some reason.
Why is it feels like that? She doesn't really know herself but then she had a flash of images and memories rushing through her mind like a speeding up recorder.
I'll be watching. Just do your thing.
Don't worry, you're doing fine.
Make sure to take a break, alright?
Don't push yourself too much.
It's okay to stop for a while, you know?
Just take it easy.
Good luck with your training.
If there's something you need, just tell me! I'll prepare it for you!
I have your back.
You can do it!
You got this!
Push forward!
Don't give up!
I'm here for you.
I just want to help you.
She's coming back to her sense with a gasp. She took a deep breath before releasing a shaky breath as she can still hear the voices lingering inside her head even right now.
She closes her eyes while facing down, reorganizing her whirlwind of thoughts as she finally realizes something crucial with her life's decisions. Now she understands why she feels like the words coming out of Yonpachi-kun's mouth sounds so foreign to her. The trembles on her body was rushing back in a full drive at the thought as she feels the tip of her fingers to her shoulders starts shaking in an uncomfortable manner.
She started to fidget a lot in her place, feeling restless with her toes wiggles nervously inside her shoes. She feels like she needs to say something but the words isn't coming out as easily as she thought.
She lost in her spiraling thought so much that she doesn't even register the sudden movement coming from Yonpachi-kun until she can feel his breath brushing against her lower face. When she focuses her attention towards the boy in front her, she found her breath hitched as she becomes frozen stiff upon realizing how close their faces are to each other right now.
The apparent emotion of concern for her wellbeing which she can easily picked out within those vibrant eyes almost makes her heart leapt out of her throat just now.
"Hey, are you alright, Kazuko?"
She feels a strong jolt when she heard him said her given name all of a sudden like that. The way he said it causes a pleasure tingles on her spine for a reason she doesn't quite understand but she forcibly suppresses the shivers down her body from coming out with a great effort as she sucked in her lips.
"Um—Uhh, yeah..." She nodded her head slowly in a rather doubt manner before her body jerks a bit when she feels a brief touch against her forehead.
The sound of his chuckle yet again causes something to her body as she feels her stomach doing a somersault and her heart hammering loudly right now. She doesn't know why, but she decided that she loves his laugh from now on.
"So, what's making you dozing off like that's all of a sudden?" He raised one of his eyebrows with a touch of mirth in his voice before a wide grin formed on his face, spreading from cheek to cheek, "Oh, have you finally realized something about the way you treated people around you now?"
She can feel her cheeks warmed up when he threw that question with such a cheeky grin on his face. It's truly showing how he can easily read her like a book right now. But she loved—ugh—feels infuriated at the fact he can understand her well enough like this.
"... Am I that obvious?" She groaned into her hands in embarrassment.
Cue another cute laugh coming out of Yonpachi-kun's mouth. "Maybe? I mean, out of all the girls in this city, I think you're the one I've been watching a lot lately. Not in a creepy way though, mind you."
He once again casually said something so embarrassing which makes her heart started drumming wildly against her ribs. Her face explodes in an astronomical rosy blush from the top of her head down to the neck.
She bit her lower lips lightly, trying to suppress down her embarrassment and elation as she looks at the grinning boy in front of her with a pout adorned her red face, "Why are you like this..."
"Well..." Yonpachi-kun moved his eyes diagonally, looking anywhere but her as he taps his chin like he's thinking about something before another teasing grin bloomed on his face, "I don't really know!"
She couldn't tell anymore if he's being serious or just teasing her like usual at this point. But the fact that she's fine either way was something that baffled her more than ever just now. She seriously needs to ask her Onee-sama about these peculiar feelings of hers later, or to Yamato and Miyako, they both are smart too after all.
Of course she could just ask Yonpachi-kun right now with him being in front of her and all, but the thought of doing that causes her to become apprehensive and cold feet all of a sudden. The notion of him knows about this peculiar emotion of hers really mortified her more than anything for some reason. That confuses her as much.
All of this started to make her want to tear all of her hair out in frustration. She just can't really keep up with all of this anymore. She can almost feel like her brain is being fried right now with how much thinking she's been doing.
'I give up!' She raised an imaginary white flag inside her head.
When she raised her head slightly to look at the main culprit of her current dilemma, he still had that goofy and cute grin plastered over his boyish face. The moment she saw that grin, her hand move forward automatically and her middle finger found itself flicking the tip of his pointy nose.
Yonpachi-kun jerked in surprise when that happens as he slowly sat upright, staring at her in wonder. She marveled the process of his eyes slowly lighting and brightened up astronomically before a melodious sound of his laugh entered her slightly red ears.
He hunched his back for a moment before dramatically falling down onto the grass below as he starts rolling about the green patches. He occasionally throws his legs up in the air to clap with it multiple times just to show how entertained he is at the moment as he lets out a belly laugh for a joke she obliviously doesn't get at all.
She doesn't even trying to be funny, but the boy in front of her always found something about her funny, much to her confusion and endearment.
She took a moment enjoying the sound of Yonpachi-kun's hysterical laugh with a small smile adorned her face as she begins stretches her slightly stiff legs, wiggling her toes in slight discomfort after a sweat sliding through the gap of her toes.
"You know..." She started slowly, leaning her back onto the backrest of the bench she sat on while looking up to the clear blue sky above with a rueful smile, "All this time I thought it was them who drew the line and content just to watch from the sideline..."
As she reminisces the past in a compunctions manner, she noticed the sound of a raucous laugh beside her finally receded. She briefly glances to the side and finds Yonpachi-kun lying on his side, propping his head using his palm as he looks at her with an understanding look on his face.
She closes her eyes for a second, feeling a genuine smile naturally bloomed on her face. True to his words, he is here for her right now.
If you ever need to vent out your feelings, I'm all ears.
It's almost like she can directly feel the warmth radiated from those words as if it was a big, warm blanket draped over her lonely and frail figure, making her comfortable and safe against the wild wave of cold guilt that tries to find its way towards her, threatening to drown her.
"At some point, I started to believe they were content of being a bystander, watching over me behind the line. But then I just finally realized that I was doing the same thing as well." She chuckled deprecatingly while fiddling her dainty fingers, trying to distract herself but with no success, "I somehow found myself afraid to reach out to them, so I decided to draw the line myself. I... I unknowingly viewed them as a luxury, something that someone like me didn't deserve for."
As she tries to catch a breath from venting out her feelings while holding back her tears from falling down, she heard a rustling sound beside her before something brushes the top of her hand. When she looks at the source of it, a slightly bigger and rough hand found its way on top of hers. Yonpachi-kun's hand move to grab hers, intertwining and clasping their fingers together with a gentle touch of support and assuredness.
She looked at their locked fingers with slightly widened eyes before a smile bloomed on her clouded face once again. She idly plays with her fingers, tapping and brushing against Yonpachi-kun's as a playful giggle slipping out of her mouth when he did the same to her. Just like hers, Yonpachi-kun's fingers are rough, calloused, and full of blisters—old and new. It's the physical proof of their very hard work.
They stayed like this for a while, enjoying every moment of it before she once again open her mouth, continuing her story, "I know it wasn't fair for them and very selfish of me to do this, but sometimes I really wished they would be brave enough to cross the line themselves and reach out to me regardless of my thoughts rather than just waiting for me to reach out to them."
She looked up to the sky, closing her teary eyes and sighed in contempt—not to them but to herself, "I selfishly faulted them for my own ego. I selfishly accused them for not believing in me and caring for me when I was the one who pushed them. I selfishly wronged them by rejecting their kindness when they wanted nothing but the best for me! I... I...."
As she starts losing control of her own emotions, the tears she'd been holding now begin to streaming down her face as she felt the guilt inside her heart was getting bigger and stronger with each passing second she confessed her true feelings, "I... I'm a terrible person, am I? They... They must think so as well... I'm really no good... hic... I... I thought—I thought they don't care. I really did. But—But it's me... It's me who don't care about them! It's me who rejected them! It's me who pushed them! It's my fault... They... They must be hat—"
Before she could accidentally say something that could haunt her for the rest of her life just now, she felt a warm and strong hand grabbed the back of her head and pull her into a sturdy and broad chest of a boy who'd been listening to her patiently this time, causing her mouth muffled by his shirts which effectively stopping her scandalous words from coming out of her silly mouth.
"Stop that. You know you don't mean that."
She hiccupped and buried herself deep in shame into Yonpachi-kun's chest, grabbing and clutching his shirts as tight as possible. She felt her heart sink down into her stomach when a thought of her family and friends hated her crossed her mind just now. She never felt so disgusted towards herself for even trying to entertaining such a horrendous thought and considering them as a truth nonetheless.
She forcefully pushed the repulsive thought into the corner of her mind. Just likes Yonpachi-kun said, she never mean it. She was being too overwhelmed by her own guilt to even realize what she's about trying to say. It doesn't change the fact that she felt sick and disgusted by it though, which is why she's really thankful that Yonpachi-kun is here to stop her.
"You seriously need to stop hurting yourself like this, Kazuko." Yonpachi-kun gently muttered to her ears as his other hand move onto her back, drawing a circle on them to provide a comfort.
"Bu—But..." She wailed pitifully, trying her best to refute him yet her voice refused to come out of her throat.
"Nuh-uh! No but-but, or I will spank your butt!" He sternly reprimanded her despite hearing the apparent mirth displayed in his voice just now.
There was an awkward silence between them before she opens her trembling lips, muttering something under her breath with a slight amusement laced in her words between her sniffles, "... That was bad, Yonpachi-kun."
"Hey, at least it's rhyme!" He whined childishly in response. She couldn't see his face considering her position now, but she liked to imagine that he was having this cute and goofy grin on his face like usual as he said that.
She knows very well what Yonpachi-kun was trying to do there. He just wants to ease this heavy atmosphere surrounding them with his usual crude jokes. Something that Yonpachi-kun loved to do, she noticed.
Usually she found such jokes to be quite inappropriate since she is someone who can't really handle something lewd with a clear mind. She is the type of person who can easily get overwhelmed and embarrassed over such things specifically if it's too explicit to the point she can't act properly when it happened.
Onee-sama said something about her being too innocent for her own good.
But right now, she felt nothing but comfort towards such joke especially when she knows the true intention behind them was something that she can appreciate for. Though she hastily crushed the excitement bubbled inside her stomach when she accidentally imagined the exact scene of what Yonpachi-kun just said.
It took quite a while for her to successfully shaking off the shameful thought out of her mind before a small giggle coming out of her mouth that slowly turned into a full blown laugh with her tears still streaming down her rosy cheeks.
She doesn't really understand how Yonpachi-kun did it. But he certainly knows how to make her feel ease each time they are together. It feels somehow different when she was together with her family and friends. There was something about this boy that makes her want to lean on him and just bare her heart fully to him.
There's also this weird and peculiar feelings that sometimes bubbling inside her heart when she is with him. It bothers her, but not in a bad way. She just feels upset that she can't figure things out on her own. She really needs to talk about this with her Onee-sama later. Onee-sama is a mature woman after all, she should know something about this weird feeling she had towards Yonpachi-kun, right?
"Have you finally calming down?"
Yonpachi-kun's voice brought her out of her thoughts as she loosened the clutches on his shirts before nodding her head slowly, "Yeah, thanks to you..."
He chuckled in mirth as she can feel the warmth seeping through her body from his gentle touch on her head. She sighed in content under his ministrations, enjoying the pleasure spreading through her body each time her scalps makes contact with his fingers.
"After seeing your expression now, I know that it's not necessary for me to say it at this point, but I will still say it for your sake." Yonpachi-kun started with a quiet tone. He slowly and carefully removes her from his arms as his right hand found its way to the side of her left wet cheek. He moves his calloused thumb to wipes the tears from the corner of her eyes, giving her a smile that causes the butterflies in her stomach fluttering about, "You're not alone, Kazuko."
His words caused the tight knot in her stomach loosened as she slowly brings her hand to Yonpachi-kun's outstretched hand, leaning into his touch in comfort while failing miserable on holding her sobbing and tears once again.
"If they really hated you just like you have thought, then they won't even bother to talk and spend their time with you. They would just leave you behind without looking back if they really thought that you are not worth their time and effort. But they didn't do any of that, none of them did. You understand that, right?"
She, who is currently doesn't believe in her voice anymore at the moment, could only nods her head in response. Despite her traitorous mind was working on full-throttle to guilt-tripping her all the time, she still understand the meaning of why her family and friends never leave her be.
"See?" She can feel the warmth burst out of her chest, spreading through her whole body when she saw the pure smile on Yonpachi-kun's face, "You understand it! Regardless of what you've thought about them, you knew the truth. I don't know what other people have said to you in the past for you to have this low self-esteem, but I said fuck 'em!"
The sudden cussing startled her out as Yonpachi-kun continued with a great fervor, "There's no need for you to stand on the pedestal those bitches created, y'know! So what if they always tried to compare you with your sister? So what if they called you talentless? Rather than taking it at a face value, you should use their words as a fuel for your desire to improve even more! To show how wrong they are for not recognizing how awesome you are actually! Show them that you are more than just the little sister of Kawakami Momoyo! You need to show them all, Kazuko!"
Yonpachi-kun took a breath for a moment before he looks at her straight dead in the eye, almost causing her to lose her own breath in the process with how serious and cool he is at the moment, "You are not worthless, Kawakami Kazuko."
She felt like something deep inside her slowly crumbled when her brain finally registered the word he just said.
"So stop convincing yourself otherwise!"
The conviction behind his words causes her to frozen still in shock as her shoulders begin to tremble while her expression slowly twisted into suspicion and doubt, not to him but for herself, not until Yonpachi-kun grabbed both of her shoulders in a firm yet gentle manner.
"You need to stop looking up at everything around you from that broken pedestal of yours. Step down from there and try to look around you from equal standing once in a while this time. You might be surprised with what you see now."
The determined browns met the hesitant ambers.
"It's time for you to stop looking them with a jaundiced eye, Kazuko. Because of that, you doubted their good intention. No—In fact you don't believe in them."
The trembles grow stronger.
"You stopped believe in people around you because you unknowingly put them in the same category of people who have mistreated you. You begin to believe that they are not any different from those people."
The tears begin streaming down once again.
"That's why, Kazuko! Try to look at people around you properly this time. There's no need for you to seek an acknowledgment from people who have already acknowledged you! They are not those stupid people! Stop comparing them to such people! They are your FAMILY, your FRIENDS! So stop doubting them!"
THUMP!
If earlier she wasn't really sure about it, but now she finally felt that something has crumbled within her. The walls that she has built for years of her doubting herself and people around her, it'd been shattered mercilessly to pieces by Yonpachi-kun's words just now.
She crumpled up into his arms, bawling her eyes out like a baby without a restraint this time, feeling uncaring about anything else but letting out all of these feelings she'd been bottling up. She grabs Yonpachi-kun's shirts, burying her head deep into his chest as she feels a pair of strong arms wrapping her in a protective manner.
She doesn't hold back her tears, letting it out freely. The emotional burden she has to let go was so overwhelming for her that she doesn't even have time to mind her image in front of others at this point. If she's trying to borrow Yonpachi-kun's word for this, she just doesn't give a fuck anymore about anything but to expel all of these negative emotions she accumulated deep inside her heart outside of her system right now.
The depressing thought of her being constantly reminded that she's not talented enough to walk the martial path.
The budding anger she hid whenever people ridiculed her effort and hard work.
The frustration she felt whenever people compared her to her sister and grandfather.
The extreme fear of being left behind by her family and friends.
Such feelings, she wants nothing but all of them to be gone from her mind right now. She's tired of having her mind plagued by those negative emotions each time she started a new day. She's tired of trying to mask her feelings with optimism. She's tired of it.
That's why, she lets it all out and hope that maybe—maybe tomorrow will be a good day where she can finally take it easy without having these emotional burdens shoved onto her fragile shoulders anymore.