What a shameful sight I showed her yesterday. How am I supposed to meet Aotsuki-san today? What face should I make? I laid in my bed, agonizing over yesterday's events, and while suffering through the embarrassment, I couldn't get a wink of sleep, so I woke earlier than usual. Of course, there's a lot of shame in there…but more than that.
How am I even supposed to interpret her actions? After pouring out everything bottled up inside of me, enwrapped by her warmth, it truly felt like I was forgiven. But, she didn't say 'I like you' or anything. Neither did she say 'I don't hate you' or 'I think of us as friends' either. Just what exactly is she thinking? How does she feel about me?
I always try to guess other people's feelings, but that doesn't go much beyond their expression and attitude. After pouring out everything bottled up inside of me, reaching a level where it wouldn't be weird for her to reject me. I have no right to wish for any more than that. And yet—I can't help but want to know more about her heart.
"…Hm?"
As I was making my way towards the train station, I spotted Aotsuki-san in the usual park we met up at. This was the first time we met this early in the morning though.
"Good morning, Yafune-kun." "Morning…"
—Huh?
"Did you get some proper rest yesterday?"
"Ah…yeah…"
Something's off. I can't properly look at her face. I felt my own face burning up, with my heart racing loudly.
"..:Yafune-kun? Is something wrong?"
"No, i-it's nothing. Also, it's rare for you to be here this early in the morning."
"Yes…Well, you were acting off yesterday, so…" "…Were you worried?"
"O-Of course not. Just, if something happened to you, it'd be troublesome for the stage play…and, there's something I wanted you to see."
"Something you wanted me to see?"
"That's right. I was working on the costumes last night…and the costume for the Little Mermaid is done…Look." She took out the contents of the plastic bag she was holding, opening it up.
"Woah, that's amazing."
It was an icey-blue, sparkling camisole. Adding to that, she had a mermaid- lined skirt colored in a deep royal blue with added lamé. Both of them had pearls added to it, definitely standing out on stage. If Aotsuki-san wore this, she'd definitely look great—Wait, what am I thinking.
I didn't mean that in a weird way. She's just that much of a beauty, so it's a given, you know?
"That is some crazy quality. You really were good at sewing." "…What, you think I was lying?" She stared at me.
Urk, that face of hers is so cute. I wanted to look at it even more, but that would probably make me have a heart attack, so I averted my gaze.
"N-Not really. It's just, you have to make the clothes for the magician, the prince, and the little mermaid after the transformation, right? Isn't that still a lot to do?"
"Urk…" Aotsuki-san's words got stuck in her throat. "So…it's looking bad?"
"I-I should make it in time…At least until the day of the play!"
"Then, let me help you. I'm not really good at sewing and all that, but if you teach me, I should be able to handle myself."
"Eh, but…Yafune-kun, aren't you tired…? Practice must be a large burden for you already."
"Aren't you even more booked than me? Also, I'm feeling great, so don't worry."
"But, you'd need a sewing machine for that…Do you have that at your place?"
"Ah…I don't think so. Mom used one before, but she gave that to a relative for her new child…What about the sewing machines at school?"
"They're always used by the handicrafts or theatre club, or even by the teachers. At this time, everyone is busy making costumes."
"I see…But, I can't just let you do it all on your own after all."
"Mm, so then…" Aotsuki-san thought about it for a second, and gave an idea. "Do you want to come to my place?"
"...…Eh?"
"We should have an old sewing machine in our storage room. If you use that, we both can work at the same time."
"N-No, if you could just bring it to school, I can take it home myself."
"A sewing machine is pretty heavy. I'm not carrying that to our school." "That might be true, but…"
"Ah, we don't have time to talk about that right now. If we head to school together, the others would give us weird eyes, so I'll be going on ahead." Aotsuki-san walked away, only to turn around one last time with an innocent expression. "Anyway, if you have time this Saturday, then stop by."
—My heart wouldn't stop racing. Even at school, I couldn't properly look at Aotsuki-san's face. It's only Tuesday…is this going to continue all the way until the weekend…?
*
I wonder what the trigger is for people to fall in love with others? Falling in love at first glance because of their attractive face? Is it just happening normally because you talk about your hobbies? Because of the gap to their normal behaviour you just happened to catch? I'm sure that there's as many reasons as there are people in this world. The same could be said about a trigger for people to suddenly hate the other person, despite having liked them before. Human feelings are just odd.
…A bit ago, because of something bad that happened in Yafune-kun's past, or something that resulted in this self-loathing towards himself, he said all of these things in order for me to hate him. However…
I was happy. I always thought that Yafune-kun was just acting a fake persona in the classroom. That's why, when you told me of your past, it finally felt like I was talking with the real you. You were trying to show off all your faults, but…even after hearing about it all, I still don't think that your heart is rotten or whatever you want me to believe.
Everybody has things they don't want to be wrapped up in, and try to avoid it. Treasuring yourself, protecting yourself, that's not a bad thing. But, you blame yourself because you are kind after all. Despite me not being able to say that I truly want, you never once blamed me. That's why I don't hate you either. I want to be by your side.
I…I like you, Yafune-kun. I've finally realized it, become aware of it. In reality, I might have been attracted to him quite some time ago. But, under my assumption that I didn't have the right to like you, telling myself that this wasn't love but friendship or gratitude, I tried to shove my feelings aside.
…But, that's enough. Unable to tell you of my feelings is too much, it's agonizing. I want to tell you. I need to tell you. When you revealed everything about yourself, I couldn't tell you anything with words alone. Completely unrelated to acting or honest feelings, you are a kind person, and someone very precious…an irreplaceable existence. That's what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to let out everything stored up inside of my chest, speaking it out loud.
Of course, I couldn't. After all, everything I could have said would be turned into >Hate<. Because you were already blaming yourself for everything, I could not bring myself to say such a thing to your face. That's why I swallowed down everything I had wanted to say. I tried my best to convey it in a different way, by embracing you, and gently caressing your head, but…
Maybe that was a fatal mistake. Ever since then…Yafune-kun was acting a bit distant. He wouldn't look me in the eyes, always flustered, and he'd stutter a lot when we were talking. Maybe…maybe he wanted to hear something else back then? Maybe he really wanted more affectionate words instead? It must have been an important moment for Yafune-kun, and yet I couldn't say anything, couldn't entangle the mess inside of his heart.
They say that there's ways to communicate without using words. But, some things can only be conveyed with words. Especially what I want to tell Yafune-kun.
…I can't take this anymore. I thought that it was my punishment. I was fine with the curse being gone for only a brief moment, so that I could give Yafune-kun my gratitude. But…I'm at my limit. Yafune-kun, I—
*
Saturday arrived, and just as promised, I came to Aotsuki-san's place.
"H-Here?"
"Yes, right here."
Since this was my first time actually visiting her at home, we met up at the usual park, and walked here together, but…What is this? It's huge. And so charming? Is Aotsuki-san some rich lady?
"Come on in. My family isn't home today."
Why would she say such a thing? I was already nervous beyond belief, so now I'm just even more conscious of her. She's not doing this on purpose, is she? My heart was already racing at a painful speed, but I tried to keep up my smile.
"Huh, for work?"
"No, they went on a trip to the amusement park." "Eh, are you sure not going with them?"
"I wasn't invited after all."
…Hm? That comment made me feel a bit curious as to how her family operated, but I didn't want to just stick my head in her business, so I didn't go any further than that.
"That'll just make it easier for us to focus on our work, right. More importantly, come to my room."
With nobody else present, it was just me and Aotsuki-san. I honestly didn't even know what to talk about. If anything, after what happened yesterday, I tried to make a 'What to talk about' list before going to bed, in order to desperately avoid any awkward atmosphere, but…Now that I was actually in her room, working on the costumes with the sewing machine, I couldn't think of anything to say. Right, that makes sense. We came here to work after all.
I'm sorry.
"…Phew, I'm done over here."
"Eh, that's amazing. It'll still take some time over here."
"Hmm…But, you must be running out of steam, right. Let's take a quick break."
Aotsuki-san momentarily left the room, only to return with a tray, some black tea and cookies on it. Aotsuki-san's room seemed like it wasn't built at all with the idea that a friend might stop by. There was a single sofa in the room with no chair for guests to use, so we both sat on it.
With us being this close, I was constantly conscious of her being right next to me, not allowing me to relax in the slightest. To avoid this awkward atmosphere, I reached out for a cookie, and with a satisfying crunching sound, I felt its taste fill my mouth.
"Wah, these cookies are delicious." "…R-Really…?"
Hm? What's that reaction for? Why is she so restless now? "No, they really are. Where did you buy them?" "...…Secret."
A secret? She could just tell me about that...... Wait, are they homemade?
I wonder, did she make them for me? Despite everything I said before? Despite all of that, she's still fine being with me…No, this is just for the sake of the costumes, there's no other reason behind all of this.
"…Well, they are delicious, so…"
"I-I get it already. You don't need to repeat it over and over…" Aotsuki-san averted her face.
Does she just think of me as annoying now? Or, is she just trying to hide her embarrassment? I'd love an answer for that. What is the reason for her gesture, the name for my feelings. My heart was racing, my head spinning, I couldn't get a clear thought at all. If there is one thing that I understood, then
it's the fact that I thought of her as cute.
Despite all my efforts to prepare myself, no topics popped up in my head. I was just munching on the cookies, filling my cheeks like a hamster. Silence followed. Only the sound of the crunching cookies and ticking clock could be heard. How long did this time continue for, I wonder? Suddenly, I felt something gently fall against my shoulder.
"Ah…Aotsuki-san?"
She had her head on my shoulder, her eyes closed. "D-Did she fall asleep…?"
You really can't blame her for that. Practicing for the stage play, making the costumes, and all the other preparations. On top of that, she has to study…So she must be exceptionally busy. I tried to help her out, but I guess I still didn't do enough.
…Also. Her sleeping face is adorable. Normally, she always shows this serious and almost strained expression, but now she's like a child sleeping peacefully. Not to mention her skin, it's so beautiful…Her lips look soft like cherry blossom petals…I want to touch her.
—No no no no no. Doing that kind of thing with a sleeping girl, I'd be the worst. In order to calm myself down, I just constantly repeated my phrases from the stage play…But, I wonder how much time has passed?
"…Yafune-kun…"
"A-Aotsuki-san, did you wake up?" "..."
"Huh? Hello?"
Despite her calling out my name, no response came. Don't tell me…was she talking in her dream? Does such a cliche actually happen in real life? Ah crap, my heart is racing dangerously fast. I can't anymore! I'm going crazy!
"A-Aotsuki-san, wake up!" "Mmm…"
I gently shook her body, to which Aotsuki-san rubbed her eyes. She seemed to be half asleep still, as she looked at me with drowsy eyes.
"…Mmmmmm~"
However, her eyes closed again right away, and she rubbed her cheek on my shoulder. Ooooooh…t-this is the first time I've seen her like this. She's so defenseless…and like a baby almost. Isn't this… a bit odd?
—That reminds me, everybody from her family except Aotsuki-san went to the amusement park, right. Aotsuki-san said that she wasn't invited…So basically, she's being treated like an outcast? I can guess that there must be some circumstances going on there, and as long as she doesn't tell me, I don't plan on poking my head into this mess.
"Aotsuki-san…could it be that you were lonely?"
Inside of this large home, she was all alone…Maybe that's why she invited me today?
"…That's…right…so…" She said, while her eyes were still closed.
Her words ended there, and I couldn't hear the rest of her sentence. That's why, what comes after that is just my wild imagination. It felt like this is what she wanted to say.
—I'm really happy that you are here.
"…!" I shot up from the sofa.
Because Aotsuki-san lost her shoulder to lean on, she almost fell over, and woke up.
"Fueh…H-Huh? Did I…fall asleep?"