"Why do I have to have Spider-Man hanging over me every second of every fucking day, man? Why me? I messed up once, and someone I loved died! And you know what? Maybe I deserve this or whatever, but still… why couldn't someone else have to BE this?"
...
Peter wants to cry but he won't, he won't.
"God, I'm all the way to UA because you guys saw something in me or whatever, but why couldn't someone better get to do what I do, huh? I-I-Its selfish and horrible, I know, but-but why did my uncle have to be shot? Why did he have to tell me about responsibility? Why'd I have to see all those people I'll never know fade away on the street? Because look at me! I-I'm tired, I've failed so many people before UA and I've even failed dozens of people during the first time I got to be Spider-Man again and I'm tired ."
His hands are shaking so he holds his head in them so Hound Dog doesn't see how badly they shake, his throat burns and his eyes water but Peter refuses to cry.
"God, I-I thought I'd change when I got here. I-I-I thought that old grief and failures and regret and anger would stay behind as I tried to piece myself together with whatever parts were left." He sighs, then a bitter laugh escapes him and he looks up at Hound Dog, the man looks down at him with the saddest eyes that Peter has seen outside of May's. "And wanna know what's the kicker? The-The bad stuff? All that rage and guilt and regret and selfishness and everything else that doesn't let me sleep at night?"
Peter pauses, he wonders if Ben would be disappointed in the person he's becoming.
Yeah, he probably was.
"That stuff is half of what Spider-Man is . I cannot be Spider-Man without carrying all of it with me, I can't help people without hurting . And I can't stop either because then what else would I be? So I'm literally stuck as what I am, no matter how much I want to change and be better. I'm Spider-Man, that's just how things are for me now."
A pause, Peter running a hand through his hair again as a reminder he was still there.
"All that stuff, I-I use it to fuel me, I have to carry it with me to make me get out of bed in the morning. All that pain and grief and loss, I can't be who I am right now without it." He sighed, Hound Dog attentively listened in a way that showed Peter he probably cared about what he was saying. "But like- What's gonna happen when it's gone?"
The words surprised him, honestly. It was like his mouth was just saying words that meant stuff before his brain actually came up with them.
Over on his desk, Hound Dog raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean, Parker?" Hound Dog asked, curiosity in his voice.
"I mean- What's gonna happen if I get over all the bad stuff that's happened? What's gonna happen when that fuel is used up ? When all that hurt and grief just doesn't hurt and anger me the same way it had to for me to keep doing what I do?" He asks, almost pleading for an answer. "I've been working to get better with how I felt about Mizuku, and I've been feeling better about it, but what happens if I get better with how I feel about everything else? "
The room went quiet for a moment, the only sound being the ceiling fan.
"If I start letting go of all of the bad stuff that I carry around, then I won't feel responsible like I need to. How can I keep doing this if I stop taking on that responsibility?" He paused. "How can I keep doing all this when Ben's death eventually doesn't hurt as bad anymore?"
Ben having been in his life is why Peter wants to be someone better, and Ben being gone is why Peter has the responsibility to try and be better.
So what happens when that driving force eventually doesn't drive him enough?
Responsibility has left its marks on him, its given him scars . But he can't be who he should be without it, and if Ben being gone doesn't hurt as bad anymore then all the responsibility is gonna disappear, too.
"I-I can do things other people can't for a reason, and Ben told me that I had to do those things or what happens next was on me." Peter sighed, bringing air back into his lungs. "But if I feel better about Ben, what then? His death was a-a lesson in what he told me, so will I just not care when it doesn't hurt as much that he's gone anymore? I'm not- I just don't know if I can keep doing things like this…"
With that, he was done, Peter simply say in the armchair with numbness spreading throughout his body
And he didn't even nearly die today, but somehow that felt more exhausting than his talk with Mirko.
But- Everything he said was true, because Peter's scared.
Peter's scared of how he doesn't see him letting himself grow past the pain and anger and guilt while still being Spider-Man like he has to be.
Bitterness swells up in his throat, followed by feelings he didn't even understand.
Being Spider-Man, like he has to be .
God, he was a mess.
He didn't know if that thought came out of hatred or from realization, but maybe it was both.
"Peter, look at me." Hound Dog snapped him out of his thoughts, putting his glasses down on his desk. "I need you to look at me, kid."
Reluctantly, Peter shifted his gaze from the ceiling to him.
"Look, I-I'm really sorry I lost my shit out of nowhere and-" Peter was cut off.
"I want to tell you that you matter."
Peter paused, and took that in.
What?
"Has anyone told you that you mattered, Parker? In the context of what you were talking about, I mean."
Peter thinks for a moment.
"I uh, I've only talked about-about Spider-Man stuff with Aizawa one time, I kinda did once with my friend Nejire and… I kinda had a shouting match with Mirko about some stuff."
Hound Dog blinks, probably deciding to bring up that last part another time.
"Well, no matter what events have happened or what you have gone through or what mistakes you may have made, I need you to understand that you, Peter Parker, matter. Your life and your emotions matter just as much as anyone else's, alright?" Hound Dog's tone left no room for argument, but Peter still tried.
"What do-" Before he could even finish, Hound Dog was talking.
"I need you to say it, kid."
A quick memory of his goodbye with Mirko flashed through his mind, Peter brushed it off.
"Look, I still do-"
"Just say it, Peter." He repeated, Peter leaned back in his seat.
"I, uh, matter?"
"Parker, from what I understand, you've been basing your life and your actions around the ideas of responsibility that your uncle had, right? You've chosen to try to live up to those ideals, but you need to understand that the way you're going about it is flawed. " Peter froze.
Flawed? How can Ben's ideals be flawed?
Yeah, maybe they've hurt Peter a lot more than they've helped, but those ideals were Ben's! How in the hell could they be wrong?
"Kid, seeing your ability to help others as more than a mere choice is admirable, but to the extent you've taken it? Willingly destroying yourself for your personal ideas of responsibility? Not allowing yourself to heal from both mental and physical scars in an attempt to push yourself beyond a breaking point?
The mere idea that perhaps that any amount of negative emotion, which you've made sure to not let yourself address, is not okay to have? Thinking you shouldn't be able to handle grief properly from fear you may not be able to use it as a fuel for self-destructive tendencies?" Hound Dog asked, Peter sunk into the seat a little.
Jesus Christ, it sounded bad when he said it.
Maybe because it was.
"These ideas are not healthy . You used vigilantism and violence, morally correct as it may be, to dig yourself deeper into a hole of self-destructive mechanisms and unaddressed negative emotions, with the only way you saw to handle such things being doubling down and pushing through with no help at all, thus letting the problem grow and grow until you finally crashed, which you handled the exact same way." His voice was filled with legitimate concern that Peter's only heard from May.
It felt weird for someone to tell him this.
"Peter, while you may say the things you do as a… 'Responsibility', you need to understand you also have responsibility to yourself and to your loved ones to not destroy yourself as some sort of subconscious self-imposed punishment for mistakes you've made and for things outside of your control ."
Peter sunk into the seat, taking it all in.
"Trying to have a happy life shouldn't be something you should be scared of, even if you may think you don't deserve it or that others will be worse off because of it. You matter to a lot of people, Peter, you should matter to yourself too." He said with a soft voice. "You shouldn't do everything in your power to make existing a burden."
Being happy shouldn't scare him even if he thought he didn't deserve to be.
...
Oh .
And then Peter was crying, he didn't want to cry in front of someone but he was and he couldn't stop.
He felt tired, all those usual negative emotions retreating back to the back of his mind for a moment to let him breathe.
God, he didn't want being Spider-Man to be this.
He didn't want being Peter Parker to be this .
For what felt like a few more minutes, Peter sobbed. Hound Dog stayed behind the desk and simply waited for his words to really sink into him.
As he fought to get his breathing under control, Peter began to realize that his argument with Mirko really hadn't helped him at all. It didn't help him process his emotions better or even gave him advice or told him what to do.
That time he was just angry and tired, lashing out at someone who's angrier.
But this? This was someone actually sitting him doing and talking to him about… everything .
He was still tired and angry and bitter like always, but Hound Dog wasn't .
Hound Dog legitimately wanted to see him be better, so maybe that helped him a bit.
Peter guessed that's what therapy was, but he still wasn't sure if a counselor counted as a therapist.
He laughed after one final sniff, wiping at his eyes while Hound Dog sat there patiently.
"Man, this sucks. " He coughed, taking a moment. "I didn't think this was how this was gonna go."
"Well, how did you think it was gonna go?"
"I-I don't know, I've never seen a therapist or whatever." A pause, Peter's head falls a bit as he runs his hands down his face. "I didn't know you were gonna point out so much stuff that I didn't even think about."
Hound Dog raised an eyebrow, concern filling his eyes before he focused again.
"Peter, my job is to help students find issues that are holding back their development and hurting their emotional state, you are no different." The man trailed off. "Even if you're more of a…"
"Messed up?" He supplied, waiting for his vision to stop being blurry.
"Unique case, but I'm determined to help you overcome all the issues that hold you back from being the best you that you can be."
Peter almost wanted to say he should put that on a poster.
But now, he didn't think he had the strength for that joke right now.
Things slowed down after that, Hound Dog outlining some areas he wanted them to focus on like Peter's unhealthy responses to failure and his subconscious self-destructive tendencies, with them agreeing that Peter would come see him again on Friday.
Hound Dog tells him to take it easy on himself today, Peter says he'll try.
Peter walks out of the office feeling hollow, not even burnt out like his fight with Mirko, he just felt… not there.
To have someone pick apart so many of the things he did and point out to what extent they were destroying him was… he didn't even have a word for it.
Hound Dog's words echo in his mind as he steps out of UA, the sun halfway past the horizon.
Being happy shouldn't scare him, even if he thinks he doesn't deserve it.
He wonders if Ben thought so, too.
Silently as he walks, Peter pulls out his phone and calls May.
====================
Hey guys, I have some bad news for you. This story will be on hiatus for quite a while. I'm not abandoning it, but I'm dealing with writer's block. I'm letting you know because I feel you all deserve to be informed. I don't want to be like those authors who just disappear without saying anything to their readers.
Also, I've started a new fanfic to ease my mind a bit. It's another MHA fanfic!
It's only available on P atreon for now, but it will be published here soon, so look forward to it!