The Adventures Of Captain Dither: Harry's Beard
Captain Dither had set up a makeshift dressing room in an unused office in the studio with the aid of Nick. They even put a piece of tape on the door with Harry's name on it. Like it was a real studio.
Nick had a bounce and swagger to his step that he hadn't felt for ages. He was glad to be back. He would get so caught up in making perfection, that he struggled to come up with new ideas day in day out. He became frustrated. He became depressed. Uncle Bob and Mama Witt were wreaking havoc and destroying everything he had worked hard for. And he was powerless to stop it. Until Captain Dither came along.
Captain Dither was different from anyone else he had met. He wasn't there to scam him out of his money. He wasn't there to use him for fame or anything. Captain was just a guy that Nick could hang out with. Could talk to. A friend. Captain Dither was like a breath of fresh air. Nick had forgotten about things like friends.
Nick had also forgotten that he had some very creative people around him. People with their own ideas. People who could be brilliant in their own right. Nick had always thought that Miss Jay's cat was cute, but never considered making a line of children's videos out of them. And then selling them! It was genius. In one fell swoop, Captain Dither had the studio making money instead of making a mess. Nick was impressed, truly.
The door to Harry's dressing room was open. Harry was inside combing his hair. Captain Dither was pacing back and forth. If Nick didn't know any better, he'd think that Captain Dither was the one performing. Nick smiled. "Is there anything I can get for the star?" He offered. "Water or something."
"Not that I can think of." Harry responded. Harry didn't turn around, he just continued combing his hair.
"Did you want to practice any of your jokes with me?" Captain Dither asked, not breaking stride. "What about that new joke that Miss Jay wrote?"
Harry stopped combing his hair and looked at the notecard that was sitting on his dressing table. On the notecard was the joke that Miss Jay had written for him. Harry took a moment to read it. At the end, he chuckled and put his hand to his forehead. "She is a talented writer. Miss Jay can write anything." Harry looked up at Captain Dither and Nick. "I'm going to need some privacy. I want to practice the routine a little to memorize it and get the timing just right."
"Oh, right!" Captain Dither exclaimed, sheepish. "Nick and I will go check out the stage. To make sure it's all set for you. You wanted a recreation of 'The Tonight Show,' Johnny Carson era, right?"
"Yeah." Harry nodded. "I got to practice."
"Right." Captain Dither backed out of the dressing room, closing the door, gently and quietly, in front of him. He took a deep cleansing breath in the hallway. "Let's go check out the stage, Nick." He led the way down the hall.
Nick followed along. He was almost skipping with joy. The pair entered the stage area.
The long multicolored curtains were perfectly spotlit. The rest of the staging area was dim. Captain Dither went over to the camera set up to look through the eye piece. He wanted to make sure everything was lined up correctly. It was.
Captain Dither sat in a folding chair near the camera. He fanned himself with a program. He had never felt so nervous in his life. He looked up at Nick. "How's everything look to you, Nick? You have more experience with this thing than I do." Ever since Nick returned, Captain Dither kept forgetting that he was the boss and not Nick.
"It'll be fine." Nick soothed. "You seem more nervous about the special and you aren't even the one that's performing. I'm wondering if I should get YOU a glass of water."
"What?" Captain Dither started, as if he were lost in his thoughts. "No, no. I don't need a glass of water. I'm fine. Really. I don't know what these jitters are about. You ever get nerves this bad?"
"Yes." Nick smiled. He took a seat on a black stool that was on the stage next to a mic stand and microphone.
"Really? You seemed so chill that first day when I delivered those donuts. How long before they go away?"
"You don't." Nick laughed. "Look, I was like you. My first film that I made. I was a nervous wreck. Talking a mile a minute, sweating, pacing. Each and every time." Nick paused. "I don't know. After awhile it gets easier and you just start having fun. That's how it happened with me. I just started having fun. You'll get used to it."
"I don't think I ever will." Captain Dither leaned back. He could feel the cold metal of the folding chair against his back.
"Think of something to take your mind off your worries." Nick suggested.
Captain Dither closed his eyes. His mind went to where he was most at home. Cars. He thought of riding in Nick's BMW. The smooth ride. The quiet ride. Like riding in a cloud. He was thinking that he might want one of those for himself. Then Captain Dither chuckled. He imagined trying to run over a sea of seagulls in the BMW. DIE! Captain Dither roared in triumph at the dead seagulls in his mind.
"I'm ready." Harry's voice cut into Captain Dither's thoughts.
"Ok!" Captain Dither leaped up from his chair and darted behind the camera. "Did you want to enter through the curtain or already be standing on stage?" Captain Dither asked Harry while Nick left the stage to stand next to Captain Dither and the camera.
"I think I want to enter through the curtain." Harry said, smiling. He was imagining himself performing on the actual Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. "I think I want someone to introduce me."
"No problem." Captain Dither turned towards Nick. "Nick? Do you mind?"
"Not at all." Nick grinned. "Should I do my Ed McMahon impression?"
"Nah," Harry shook his head. "Just do it straight."
"You got it, boss." Nick gave a thumbs up and stood onstage front and center.
Harry went behind the curtain. He shot a thumbs up through the slit to signal that he was ready. Captain Dither turned on the camera and started to record.
-Video start-
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Nick began with gusto. "We have a really big show for you, tonight! Let's have a warm welcome for Harry Oatmeal."
Harry entered through the slit in the curtain to wild applause. He waited for the sound to die down. "Thank you." He greeted the audience. "Some of you might wonder. Why 'Harry Oatmeal'? Well, it didn't come from my parents, that's for sure. I must have been a surprise for my parents, because they didn't even have a name already picked out when I was born." Harry paused and took the mic off it's stand and held it. "No, Harry Oatmeal wasn't my parents' idea. The name actually came from disagreement with my wife and some very questionable sanitary conditions at an IHOP. She wanted to stop. I didn't. She wanted food. I didn't. I ordered oatmeal. I got about halfway through when I found a very long hair. Hairy Oatmeal. Harry Oatmeal. I thought it'd make a very good stage name. She didn't. I kept the name and got rid of the wife." Harry paused and took a step to the left. He heard laughter somewhere. He waited until it passed. "You ever think about beverages that were made in Michigan? Like soda pop? How about the Rocky Horror Picture Show? What was the question asked during the floor show? 'Whatever happened to Faye Wray?" He paused to let the questions sink in before delivering his punchline. "I feel compelled to ask, Where did Fay Go?" There was more laughter, louder, from somewhere. There were apparently Michigan fans in the audience. "Yay Michigan!" Harry loved to play to the crowd. He got a few cheers and whistles, from somewhere. "If you can't tell, I've got one of those random access memories. Let that sink in. At open mic night they try to correct me over my 8-minute time limit. I tell them, it might be 5 minutes to them, but my rule is 8 minutes." There was some chuckling somewhere. "Going back to my random access memory. What is the worst thing that you can say to a homeless person?" Harry paused. "'Shhhh! Use your indoor voice.'" Harry took a step to the right amongst the smattering of laughter. "I had a roommate, once upon a time, who happened to be blind. One day, he walks into a bar. He's got his dog with him. He takes a seat at the bar and he starts pulling on the dog's leash. He pulls tighter and tighter. Until the dog is off the ground. Then, he starts twirling the dog around and around in the air. The Bartender looks up and says, 'Hey, dude! What are you doing?' The blind guy goes, 'Oh, just looking around.'" The crowd is going crazy with laughter. "Sometimes, I have got to ask myself. What do I do with my 7-day weekends? I haven't worked since 2004 and am proud of it. And the taxpayers pay for every penny of it. And I would definitely like to say that you are definitely getting more than your money's worth. Because I do nothing and I produce a whole lot of nothing for it. So, I thank you and you should thank me because I save you a whole lot of money for the same amount of nothing." Harry Oatmeal coughed. He decided that it was time for the finish. "I think, I feel sorry for the fans of Pearl Jam. They go to the concerts and they are missing out on one of the most valuable experiences at the concerts. How do these people sing along to Pearl Jam. I mean they have lyrics. A few words that are recognizable. But most of it. I mean do people hum or like mumble along? I have other thoughts about what Eddie Vedder is trying to say. Like, 'Yeah, I called you daughter! What are you going to do about it?! Huh!?' I've run out of Pearl Jam thoughts. Keep those in mind. Thank you." Harry replaced the microphone in it's stand and exited stage left.
-Video End-
"That was fun." Harry started to walk away. He had a huge grin on his face.
"Don't you want to know when the video will be released?" Captain Dither asked, confused.
"I do, but I don't want to keep Miss Jay waiting." Harry answered. "You know I have a thing for crazy chicks." Harry hurried off without waiting for a reply.
Nick and Captain Dither shared a laugh. Then, Captain Dither popped the DVD out of the camera and took it to be mass produced. He and Nick left the studio together.