That night, Mo Ran lay in his bed on Sisheng Peak with his hands behind his head, staring at the roof beams above, completely unable to sleep.
The events of the past played out in his mind, one by one, until finally, in the end, every bit, each fragment was Chu Wanning's face, elegant to the point of being cold.
If truth be told, Mo Ran never understood just how he felt about this person.
The first time he'd seen him had been under the flowering tree in front of the Heaven-Piercing Tower. He had been wearing a loose robe with wide sleeves,
the only one out of the twenty elders who was not dressed in the fetching silverblue armor of Sisheng Peak.
That day, fiddling absentmindedly with the armored claw on his hand with his head lowered, his profile had looked focused yet gentle, like a white cat bathed in warm, golden sunlight.
Mo Ran had stared from afar, and hadn't been able to look away.
His first impression of Chu Wanning had been positively glowing.
But it had not held up against the negligence, the punishments, and the cold harshness that had followed, one after the other. That white cat's sharp teeth and claws had left him covered in wounds.
He'd been barely hanging onto life by a thread when Uncle had saved him from the sea of fire. He'd thought that, once at Sisheng Peak, he would have a shizun to treat him with compassion, to care for him with sincerity.
But however hard he tried to please, however much work he put in, it was as if Chu Wanning saw none of it. Conversely, the smallest mistakes earned him a round of ruthless lashings, and he came out raw and bleeding every time.
Later, he learned that Chu Wanning looked down on him from the bottom of his heart—— "Deficient by nature, beyond remedy." Was this what that person standing under the flowering tree, robes white as snow, thought of him?
He'd once regarded Chu Wanning as the cold moon in the ninth heaven,
had wholeheartedly revered him, adored him. But what was he to that cold moon, really?
A disciple he had no choice but to accept.
A lowlife who was lowly to the bone.
A no-good child raised in a brothel, a filthy reprobate.
Mo Ran always laughed it off like he didn't care, but he'd slowly begun to hate Chu Wanning, a kind of hatred mixed with an aggressive unwillingness to yield.
He refused to accept it.
Ever since, holding onto the resentment he felt that grew by the day, he'd kept provoking Chu Wanning in attempts to get his attention, his praise, his astonishment.
During that time, if Shi Mei had praised him with "well done", he would've flown into the sky with happiness.
But if Chu Wanning had been willing to give him a "not bad", he would've gladly given his life.
But Chu Wanning never praised him.
No matter how hard he tried, how diligent he was, how well he did, that aloof person never gave more than a slight nod before turning his face away.
Mo Ran was about to lose it.
Heaven knew how much he wanted to grab Chu Wanning by the face back then and make him turn around, force him to look at himself, to see himself, to take that "deficient by nature, beyond remedy" back!
But he could only kneel before Chu Wanning like a docile stray dog,
lowering his head and saying with the utmost respect, "This disciple will keep Shizun's teachings in mind." In front of Chu Wanning, Mo Weiyu was lowly to the bone.
Even if he was a "young master", he was still worthless.
He finally understood that someone like Chu Wanning would never look at him with anything but contempt.
Even later, after many things had happened.
Mo Ran took over Sisheng Peak, then took aim at the top and became the first ever emperor of the cultivation world. Underneath his dark banner, everyone trembled with fear and dared not even speak his name in more than the quietest of whispers. No one remembered his stain, his unmentionable origins—— Henceforth, there was no more Mo Weiyu, only Taxian-jun[21].
Taxian-jun.
Everyone hated him, hated him to the extreme. Monstrous Mo Weiyu, may he be damned to eternity without rebirth or redemption![22] TaxianjunMoWeiyuTaxianjunMoWeiyuTaxianjun—— …Ta. Xian. Jun.
But so what if they were scared? Sisheng Peak still reverberated with the rumble of voices shouting in unison as thousands prostrated before him in front of Wushan Palace, all those heads bowing to him in veneration[23].
"Long Live Emperor Taxian-jun."
He'd felt fantastic.
Until he'd seen Chu Wanning's face in the crowd.
Chu Wanning's cultivation had already been abolished by then. He was tied up below the hall, reduced to a mere prisoner beneath the steps.
Mo Ran had already decided to execute him. But he didn't want Chu Wanning to have a quick and easy death, so he'd shackled his limbs, cut a small gash in the artery of his neck, and enchanted the wound to not congeal. Blood trickled out drop by drop, life drained away bit by bit.
The sun blazed overhead. The coronation ceremony had been underway for a while, and Chu Wanning's blood should have been nearly drained.
With this person's death, Mo Ran would finally be freed from his past; thus,
he purposefully arranged to have him bled out at his coronation.
This way, when he became the master of the cultivation world, Chu Wanning would be a lifeless corpse.
And everything that happened in the past would be wiped clean.
Perfect.
But why, even at the gates of death, was this person still so indifferent? Still so elegant as to be cold…his face was entirely without color, but his expression still impassive. When he looked at Taxian-jun, there was neither praise nor fear.
Only revulsion, disdain, and—— Mo Ran thought he must have gone mad. Or else Chu Wanning must have gone mad.
And a hint of pity.
Chu Wanning, who was on the verge of death, who had been defeated by him, pitied him! He actually pitied him, he who stood at the apex above all else,
who held boundless power. He, he actually——he actually dared!!!
The rage that had piled up over more than ten years finally drove Mo Ran mad. Right there at Loyalty Hall—already renamed Wushan Palace by then—in front of the thousands of people gathered there, surrounded by the thundering of their acclamation and flattery, he abruptly stood up, black robes billowing, and walked down the steps.
In front of all those people, he grabbed Chu Wanning by the jaw, a sweet yet menacing smile on his twisted face.
"Shizun, today is a happy occasion for this disciple, why aren't you celebrating?" The thousands of people fell instantly into a deathly silence.
Chu Wanning was neither deferential nor domineering, his expression cold as ice as he said, "I have no disciple like you." Mo Ran burst out laughing, the sound of his unrestrained laughter circling the stoa of the golden hall like so many vultures.
"Shizun is so heartless, this Venerable One is disappointed." He laughed as he spoke, voice resounding. "You have no disciple like me? Who taught me my cultivation then? Who taught me my martial skills? And my cold-blooded ruthlessness——who taught me that?! And the whip scars all over my body that still will not fade——let me ask you, who gave me those!" He stopped smiling, voice suddenly vicious, a cold light in his eyes.
"Chu Wanning! Are you that ashamed of having a disciple like me? Are my bones too lowly or is it my blood that's too filthy? Let me ask you, Chu Wanning,
let me ask you——what does 'deficient by nature, beyond remedy' mean?" He was going out of his mind, voice twisting as he bellowed.
"You've never seen me as your disciple, never thought anything of me! But I ——but I once——really did see you as my teacher, really did respect you,
adored you! Why did you treat me like this? Why did you never spare me so much as a single word of praise, why is it that no matter what I did, I could never get even the slightest bit of approval from you?!" Chu Wanning's entire body shuddered, face growing even paler.
Those phoenix eyes widened slightly as he stared at Mo Ran. His lips moved, as if wanting to say something, but nothing came out in the end.
Everyone who used to be at Sisheng Peak was gone by now; the last two left from those bygone days stared at one another just like this.
Mo Ran seemed to finally calm down in the uncomfortable silence that followed. He closed his eyes, and when they opened again, he once again wore that detestable smile that made people shiver.
He said gently and cordially, "Shizun, haven't you always looked down on me, always thought I was lowly?" He paused, gaze sweeping across the thousands kneeling before his palace like so many crouching dogs, all in acknowledgement of him as the overlord of the cultivation world, above mortal affairs.
Mo Ran smiled. "How about now? Before you die, let me ask you again. In this world, just who is the lowly one, and who is the respectable one? Who's the one stepping on whom? Who won in the end? Who lost?" Chu Wanning's eyelashes were lowered, as if still lost in Mo Ran's confession from a moment ago. Finally, Mo Ran gripped his jaw and forcefully tilted his face up.
But in that instant, Mo Ran suddenly froze.
It was the first time he'd ever seen regret on Chu Wanning's face.
That expression was far too unfamiliar; Mo Ran abruptly pulled back his hand, as if burned.
"You…" Chu Wanning's expression was pained, as if silently enduring some kind of agony that dug into the bones, some sort of anguish that tore apart the organs.
His voice was quiet.
It floated in the wind, heard by Mo Ran alone.
He said, "I'm sorry, Mo Ran. It was this master's fault…" Suddenly the world fell silent. The sound of the wind, the rustling of the leaves, the billowing of robes, all of it faded away.
There was only Chu Wanning's face looking up at him. It was the only thing in the entire world that was clear, all that he could see.
Much should have passed through his mind at the time. Glee, smugness,
ecstasy.
But none of it did.
There was but one strange thought in his mind then, and only one—— When had he gotten…so much taller than Chu Wanning?
A lot of time really had passed.
And many things had changed.
Mo Ran's lips moved haltingly in a whisper. "What…did you just say?"
But Chu Wanning only smiled, a smile that Mo Ran knew yet also did not,
and in that pair of phoenix eyes he saw the reflection of his own twisted expression.
Then those eyes slowly closed, and Chu Wanning fell backwards——Mo Ran gripped his shoulders in that same instant, his crazed, angry bellow like that of a beast falling to pieces.
"Chu Wanning! Chu Wanning what did you say? Say it again!!" The person in his arms did not reply, lips pale as pear blossoms. That handsome face had always looked so aloof, but now, moments before death, it was frozen into a sad smile, a slight curve at the corners of the lips, just like the face in Mo Ran's memories of when he'd first seen him in front of the HeavenPiercing Tower.
A small, gentle smile.
"Chu Wanning!!" That gentleness shattered, haitang flowers withered and scattered all over the ground.
He'd finally got what he wanted, treading Shizun's life underfoot as he climbed to the top of the world.
But what was this? What was this!!
The anguish and hatred in his chest only grew worse, what the fuck was this?
A faint black fog gathered in Mo Ran's hand as he quickly tapped Chu Wanning's meridians, sealing the last remains of his life.
"Were you hoping to die just like this?" Mo Ran's eyes bulged, his expression vicious, "I'm not done with you, Chu Wanning, I still have a score to settle with you, I'm not done! I'm not fucking done yet! If you don't say it to me clearly——I'll crush Xue Meng, Kunlun Taxue Palace, and all the people left that you wanted to protect!! I'll rip them all to shreds!! You better think again!!" Forget about the ceremony, screw the thousands of people still kneeling there.
He changed his mind. He didn't want Chu Wanning to die anymore.
He hated him, he wanted Chu Wanning to live——live…
He picked up that person who had lost too much blood in one sweeping motion and, evoking his qinggong[24], jumped onto the tall overhanging eaves in one leap, robes fluttering like a lone eagle unfurling its wings. He flew rapidly across one roof after another, headed straight for the southern peak——straight for the Red Lotus Pavilion, where Chu Wanning had once lived.
That place had an abundance of spiritual energy and numerous medicinal herbs. He was going to bring Chu Wanning back.
A person must be alive to be hated; if that person died, there would no longer be a reason to hate them. Had he been out of his mind earlier, wanting to kill Chu Wanning with his own hands?
If Chu Wanning died, then what did he even have left in this world…
Lying in bed, the taste of past memories on his tongue.
It was already late at night, but he couldn't sleep at all.
Mo Ran got up, washed his face, got dressed, and with a lantern in hand,
headed toward Yanluo Hall.
Chu Wanning had definitely just carelessly bandaged his wounds before going there for his punishment by kneeling. Mo Ran knew how he was, stubborn to a fault and unyielding to boot, never giving even an iota of consideration to whether his own body could take it, and Xue Meng couldn't stop him even if he tried.
Sure enough, a small lamp could be seen from outside Yanluo Hall, burning by itself, candle wax dripping slowly.
Chu Wanning knelt with his back facing the door, figure straight and upright like a pine.
Mo Ran regretted it a little when he saw this figure. It was the middle of the night, what was he doing? Coming here to see Chu Wanning? Had he gone mad?
But he was already here, and it would feel silly to just turn around and leave again.
He thought for a moment, and settled on a compromise. Lightly, he set the lantern down by his feet. He wouldn't leave, but he wouldn't go in either.
Standing outside the window, he propped his elbows up on the frame, rested his cheeks in his hands, and stared at Chu Wanning from far away.
The copper bells hanging from the corners of the roof swayed gently, and the sweet fragrance of the flowers and plants filled the night air.
The two of them—one standing, one kneeling—separated by a red lattice window, separated by the empty silence of the hall.
If this had been before the rebirth, Mo Ran would have had the authority to stride into the hall and order Chu Wanning to stop reflecting and go back to rest.
If Chu Wanning refused, he would have had the capacity to seal the movement of his limbs and forcefully carry him off.
But right now, he had neither the authority nor the capacity.
He wasn't even as tall as Chu Wanning.
Mo Ran's head was all messed up. He watched that person from outside the window, but the person inside never noticed. He couldn't see Chu Wanning's face, and Chu Wanning couldn't see his.
And so the white cat knelt all night, never turning around.
And so the dumb dog stood all night, never once leaving.
Author's Notes:
Once upon a time there was a little puppy. He was dirty and stupid, so nobody liked him, and thus he could only drift around here and there.
One day, the little puppy was found by his uncle, and was carried back to his nest. The new nest was warm and spacious, the little puppy was very happy about this. Especially the big white cat that was curled up on the cushion sleeping, he looked so gentle. The little puppy howled with an awoo, and joyfully burrowed himself into the white cat's fluff.
However, when awake, the big white cat was very different from his imagination. He always watched the little puppy with icy gaze, likewise ignored the puppy's whimpering affection. When he was unhappy, he wouldn't even remember to retract his claws before swatting the puppy across the face.
Slowly, the little puppy grew up. The big white cat gradually became a small white cat right in front of his eyes.
The big dog wanted to teach the white cat a lesson. And so, he bit into the little white cat's throat, then he proudly trod the ball of snow white under his foot.
He'd originally thought the other animal hard as a rock, but he now suddenly realized this white cat's body was of such softness. He couldn't help but to remember the night when he'd first entered his new nest, when he'd hidden and fallen into a slumber in the warmth and softness of this kitty's fluff.
However he would never find out, that night, the white cat opened his glasslike eyes.
Where had this little thing come from? How dirty…
The white cat thought. And then he used his spiked pink tongue, and quietly groomed the little puppy's fur clean.
The puppy stirred as he was groomed, bleary eyed, and thought that this was all a dream. He dreamed that his drifting life had finally come to end, and there was a big cat that treated him with much, much kindness.
[21] 踏仙君 Taxian literally meaning to step on immortals/cultivators
[22] It was commonly believed that, by default, people get reborn after death
[23] 三跪九叩 lit. kneel three times and kowtow nine times, the most respectful formal etiquette on meeting the emperor [24] 轻功 ability that allows one to be light of foot, used for running/jumping/water treading etc.