When I was born, I knew nothing about my Dad, mom always told me 'not every woman needs a guy, just like not every child needs a father.
I was able to believe that, but at some point, I kept feeling mom lied to me.
How is it fair that others have their dad to pick them up, come for meetings, drop them at school but I am stuck with my mum telling me I don't need a father, it's definitely not fair.
No one ever saw my Dad and obviously, the only excuse I have is 'He is busy' .
As I grew older I began to notice how hard she worked, and how much pain she endured trying to make me happy.
Grandpa was always with me, cheers me up and makes sure I don't feel a glimpse of loneliness, when I tell him I feel lonely, he says 'being alone isn't the same as loneliness, by the way you've got us '.
Every since I got into Grade 7, I had a new rule, Nothing brings fear in the world except it comes from you.
I never allowed mom to attend any school event, i always have an excuse, i deleted all invitation mails so for some reason, I felt guilty when Priscillia brought the suggestion of deleting the mail.
Neither did I recognise her pains nor tried to be a good child.
We moved from New York when I was quite young, right now I'm just focused on supporting my mum.
After I got into St. Claires, it was quite great no one asked about my Dad but... problems don't give warnings (Quote from Grandad).
When I was home mom was bleaming with happiness. This was unusual.
" Something seems wrong". I say
" Honey, you're back, we're having a scrumptious meal today, what do you mean by somethings wrong ?". Mum asks
I try to wave the question away and reply
" I'm a bit tired, is there something you're not telling me ?".
"Oh potato, today I went to the market to get some things and then met my childhood friend Anna, we talked for a while and then she told me she set up a salon not quite long and doesn't have anybody to help with it, so she offered to... make me work with her but not like help, but I would get monthly salary, isn't that great?".
I smile.
" Um... Honey, is there a problem". Mum says.
"No, not at all but, what about the park, how about everyone? " I say
Mum sighs " Amara, you do know that managing the park doesn't bring money on the table, I love the park and everyone but... I can't abandon an opportunity to change our lives because...."
"Because.....? " I ask
"Its just not working, I've tried everything I can but this might be our only opportunity, Anna is rich, and it's not like I'm abandoning the park, there will still be a time I will leave, Look! ,(she points at the table), there,on the first day, we are having such a meal, do you know how well we would be in a month.
Even if I manage the park for a year...., Ah!, honey, if you want, I could tell Anna that I...um".
"No!". I say
"Its fine if it makes you happy, it really is, I kinda feel tired". I run up to my room.
Mum has managed the nearby park since I was young and I have a special bond with it, it's a place I go to calm down when I'm angry: to smile when I'm sad, and now she wants to abandon it for a job from a friend she last met in school days.
Does it seriously make sense, but yet again, she said she had to stop working but not abandon.
I take off my uniform then put on my night wear, then go to bed.
Mom never had a job but one day she came home and told Grandad and Grandma that she got a park managing job, We were able to gather some money so grandad and grandma moved.
I loved going to the park, it was my place of satisfaction but now, not anymore.
At seven pm, I wake up then see mom on the chair lying on the table, she hadn't touched the food from 4pm.
I move closer then she cowers "Honey, I was waiting for you, I'll warm the food".
I smile and help her with it.
"Um.... mom". I try to keep quiet but it was just too awkward and I couldn't help it.
"Yes?". She asks
"Now that I think about it, it's not so bad having a new job, I'm sorry, I overreacted".
"No, definitely not, it was my fault for making that type of decision without letting you know, I was just about to call Anna to decline the offer". Mum says
"No, it's fine, I'm happy you finally found what you're good at, I was just a bit tired earlier".
I try to remove whatever discomfort is appearing on my face.
This is the least I can do to make her happy.
The next day, I have breakfast, kiss mom then go to school.
Reina Czynewiz comes over to my seat and says "Hey, Amara, how are you doing".
" Fine as always". I reply
She smiles " Are your parents coming to the PTP, mine are coming, of course I couldn't stop them, my Dad knows Mr Patrick".
"I seriously have no idea, but I'll wait and see". I reply
Priscillia Cynetz comes to the front of the classroom " I deleted the mail from my parents phone and 'surprise surprise', everyone is clueless."
"Katelyn, how'd it go". She asks.
" The Bug trying to be friends with the bee, a perfect match." Alice whispers to me.
Since grade 7, Priscillia has tried everything to be friends with the so called cool Katelyn McKenzie but Katelyn simply shrugs her off, There was a time where She gave her lunch and chocolates to Katelyn all because she liked them. She had to stay hungry for the whole day.
"Not like I have to lift a finger to stop them from a meaningless event."
Katelyn shrugs
Miss White comes in and everyone is back to their seats.
"Hi everyone, good to see you, I heard from Mrs. Anderson about the things she told you. By the way, signing up for whatever activity closes next Tuesday, and remember, we also need signing up for Tea and Pastries serving. Any hinderance of a particular activity will result into random picks."
" Charlie Crownfield, Tina Mallory, Fiona Sandler, Stanley Trevor, Amy Baker
a-a-a-nd". (Miss White scans the classroom and sees me in one corner sketching an Apple)
'Her humming dies down as she slightly screams in an excited voice'.
" Amara Alexander!, You all are going to be in charge of taking down names and making sure nothing goes wrong".
I pull a slightly regretful face, Obviously, I don't wanna be a part of the mess.
The last PTP was a disaster, was it about when a parent brought 3 babies who couldn't stop crying, or when a random kid farted and everyone were on their heels.
I move on to Katelyn's table and asks what she would like to do but she just brushes me off, I don't even care to tell her everyone must participate.
I go out of the class into the toilet, My third calming place in the world.
"Hi"
A short girl squeaks, as the sound of the toilet flushing makes it more hard to know there's a girl.
I bend down to look at Her, then smile.
"Hello, young lady".
I say with a smile but she shrugs
"I'm no little girl !, Mom and Tinny says it".
A faded smile walked it's way as I ask who she means by Tinny.
"My sister".
"She's in grade 10".
I make a suspicious looking frown
"I don't remember knowing any Tinny, except.....it's a new student".
She thinks for a while then exclaims
"Oh, do you know Tina then ?"
"Ti......do you mean Tina Mallory?".I ask
"Yes!".
She says that her mum works in the school but she'd closed early, so she sneaked away from her mum to meet Tina.
"By the way, I'm Tara, how about you ?"
She asks while approaching the corridor in a rush.
I say quickly "Amara!".
But she's gone, and all that is left is the rays of sunshine from the corridor that reflects like pieces of foam flying around.
And suddenly, I get an unnecessary memory of the times mom and I would pillow fight, get ice creams and end up smudging it on each other or a time when it was her birthday and half her cake was on our faces, but one night...it just.......
It's no use. I go back into the classroom and lay on my table for a nap.
No one is meant to go out for break because of an outside repair going on.
I feel water slide from the top of my nose diagonally down, then it goes down my cheeks then on the table.
I think of the little girl I met.
How good will it be to have a sister, one you can actually share your pains with and keep safe.
For some reason, I smile and make a slight sound.