When my grandma asked my siblings and me together in our formal drawing room, I'd known. I hadn't wanted to admit to myself but I had known that my time was up. Grandma's eyes roamed over the room, and while she studied my four brothers and my little sister, I studied her. I take in her perfectly styled shoulder length hair, the blue suit she's wearing and they share uncompromising ruthlessness in her demeanor. There's no kindness in her gaze today.
I tense when she clears her throat,my stomach sinking the moment those cold green eyes settled on me. I knew what she would say before she even parted her lips,but that doesn't lessen the weight of her words
" Ryan your wedding date has been set," she announces, her tune carrying a finality that I have struggled to come to terms with. "The wedding will be held 6 months from now."
The tension in the room is palpable,the air laced with defeat. " I see," I murmur, unable to keep my voice steady.My usual mask of indifference fails me tonight,and I lower my gaze unwilling to worry my siblings for no reason.
Arranged marriages are something of the Williams tradition and I've known for years that this day would come. Out of all my siblings, I'm the only one engaged for years and the only one who knew who I would get married to for a decade now.
That never made it easier. No — if anything,it felt like a slow walk towards the gallows, until,at last,my fate was confirmed and sealed.
My grandma begins to discuss wedding plans ,details, but I struggle to stay focused on her words.All that was in my mind was my fiance ,Sophia . Thoughts of her are always accompanied by remorse, and today is no different. Remorse for everything I've taken from her and anything I'm yet to destroy. She should've had her entire life ahead of her but instead I will ruin what was left of her.
" Ryan?" my grandma says, cutting through the haze. My eyes snapped up ,and I realized the room had fallen silent. " Do I need to remind you of our engagement? It's time to stop avoiding Sophia . She has been engaged to me since we were children,but I wasn't informed of it until I was sixteen. The second I could, I escaped to boarding school, followed by college overseas. The idea of marrying someone 10 years younger horrified me, but even then, they were more to it. It was the fact that it was her. I kept running just so I didn't have to face her more than a few times a year. Working overseas bought me a bit more time but it wasn't enough.
It'll never be enough.
My grandma continues to speak, but I can't take any moments of these. Before I realized what was going on, I'm out of the door and halfway through our estate,my thoughts wandered. I kept walking, needing the fresh air , the chill in the wind – anything to keep my mind off Sophia
I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I haven't really fully been aware of where my feet let me. My heart twisted painfully as I stopped in front of a familiar building, the sharp pain a welcome deviation from the numbness that had overtaken me when I left the drawing room. I haven't meant to come here but there is obviously no escaping my guilt. My fingers gently brushed over the hidden compartment in the wall and I pushed against one of the bricks, exposing a spare key . Our childhood home is only a building in our estate that we never upgraded with the new tech we installed everywhere else. Though we never discussed it, my siblings and I came to a silent agreement to live it on touch. Perhaps we also simply wanted to preserve what was left over by our parents or maybe none of us are quite ready to let go. I'm not sure we will ever be. The house is quite quiet when I walk in and though it looks the same as I remember it , it feels different. This home, that was once filled with warmth feels empty and he hits me just as hard as I did about 20 years ago.
Somehow, a small part of me expects my mother to walk down the stairs, a sweet smile on her face as she welcomes me home. Knowing I will never get to see her again still hurts the same. More so today than usual. I drew a shaky breath and my lungs seized as I tried to breathe through the pain in my chest. I'd give the world to have my parents here with me today and knowing that nothing I could ever do will bring them back tears rolls down my weak soul. I stopped in front of my father's liquor cabinet and let myself wonder what it would have been like to share a glass with him. What advice would you have for me tonight? He adored Sophia when she was a child and I doubt that would have changed. My hand trembles as I grab a bottle of his finest whiskey I'm bring it to my lips my throat and I welcome to feeling as I continue to walk through the house, until my feet comes to a standstill in front of my mother's piano, I stand frozen in place, my heart hollow. The concert grand was custom built for her, right down to Williams crest detailing in real gold on the top board, and the rosewood finishing that she let me choose. It's a beauty fit for the queen she was , and I'd give the world to hear her play for me one last time . I'd lay down my life to see one more smile.
I take a few more deep swigs of my father's whiskey and for a short moment, I wonder what my mother would think if she saw me now . Would she be disappointed that I stopped playing the piano? Once again, my thoughts turn to my fiance, and I take another step forward.
My mother would have loved the woman she has become, even if it's just because she is a piano prodigy, just like both our mothers were. Mom would have definitely asked her to play a duet with her in this room, and they'd never run out of things to discuss. She'd tell Sophia all about how she once taught me to play and how she desired me following in her steps. Would I have? If I didn't loose her?
I sit down on my mother's piano bench , the sheet music untouched. La Campanella. Her favorite. She didn't even need to read the notes to play it — the sheet music was indeed for me . It's the last time she tried teaching me and one of those I never had the mind to master .
I brushed my fingers over the ivories, my heart heavy. " I miss you," I whisper, desperate for a reply. When no one came , I lifted my father's bottle to my lips again. Desperation dictates my moves as I place the bottle my feet and begin to play , the melody starting off slow .My eyes lands on the notes and for a moment I recall why I loved playing so much,back when the sounds of the piano didn't scatter my heart to pieces,back then when it was a thing of joy as I played it in the presence of my mum.
The piano's need for turning ruins the song but somehow it suits my mood better than the normally uplifting tilt of Liszt's renounced tunes. She'd flinched at the way her piano sounds out of my negligence and the notes I missed but somehow it sounds as broken as I am . My world has been cast into the shadows since the day I lost my parents and I Wonder if I would ever crawl my way out.
The melody turns rougher ,the acoustics of this room are still as perfect as they've always been ,but it does nothing to ease my aching heart. The final note echoes,and I exhale shakily as I rest my against the music shelf.
" I never thought I'd hear you play again"
I flinched and turned only to find my sister standing in the doorway,her expression still as haunted as mine . Still wondering how she found me here.
I smiled warmly as I shook the thoughts off my mind . Of course she knew Ruth and I are made of the same ilk. She shines brightly, the way Mom always did, but behind her smile hides a depth most can't fathom. Out of all of us, she's the most observant, the most caring. She feels things deeply, both highs and lows, and she hurts alongside every one of our siblings.Tonight might be hard for me,but witnessing my pain will break her heart more than it does mine. I know I should fake it for her and be the big brother she deserves, but I can't. Not tonight.
She walks toward me and kneels beside my bench, a shaky smile on her lips. I hold my arm open for her, and she hugs me tightly. I sigh as I place my chin on top of her head and hug her back.I don't think I can do this," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. She's the only person I know about the guilt and shame I carry, the sins that weigh heavy on me.
It wasn't your fault, Ryan," she lies
I can't do this to her. Not her.
Ruth pulls away to look at me, her expression guarded."But you must, and if it's the absolution you seek, what better way to find it than by making Sophia happy? Maybe you'll find that in doing so, you'll experience the happiness you deserve, too.Because you do, Ryan. You deserve to be happy."
look into my sister's eyes, taking in her sincerity. How could she possibly believe that with such fierceness, such conviction? How Could she sit here without blaming me for everything I've taken from her, from us?
Would she still feel the same way if she knew about the
viciousness I hide away? I'm worried my venom will end up infecting Sophia too. Being with me will taint her, corrupt her —and a sick, wicked part of me wants it to. What would Ruth say if I admit that I haven't just been running away from my fiance out of guilt?