CHAPTER 25: Worn Nylons
"Sit on my bed," she whispers. I obey, leaning my back against the wall. She kneels on the bed, resting her hamstrings on her soles. She uses two fingers to close my eyelids and then instructs me to take deep breaths.
"Remember when I said you could ask me two questions? Before I… before I hit you? Yeah? Go ahead."
With eyes closed I ask, "Why were you crying?"
She scoots closer, her knees touching my leg. I feel her breath by my shoulder. She whispers so quietly I have to lean toward her… "I'm afraid. Believe it or not, I care about you. I know I'm a bitch and all that… But really, I… I didn't mean to hurt you. And to hear you say all that nice stuff about me… It made me feel like a horrible person. How could I be so cruel to someone who respects me, buys me fucking waifu figures of the show I like, beautiful flowers… It's fucked up! I'm a horrible person…"
"You're not a horrible person," I respond.
"Liar… Just shut up and ask your second question."
My heart flutters. I already know what I want to ask… I conjure up the bravery to speak. It's easier since my eyes are shut. "Do you… like me too?"
"Huh? Umm… No, I hate you…"
A knife in my chest. I open my eyes—she covers them with her palm, accidentally hurting my bruise. "Don't… look at me like that. Just keep your eyes closed. It's easier for me to talk to you like this…"
Mitsuko gets up from the bed. I hear her rummaging through her laundry bin.
"Inhale through your nose." My brain knows this scent; the aroma of her feet mixed with nylons… A musky odor that's been sitting in the bin for days. I let out a hungry whimper against my will as the smell ripples across my brain. My reaction makes her giggle softly. She ties the nylons around my eyes.
"I know I've been… harsh with you… but I… Fuck. I'm not good at this type of shit. You really piss me off, you know that? You're annoying as all hell, that's why I—Ugh, here I go again, belittling you…"
"It's ok, you don't have to answer my—"
"Shut up. I'm not done. You never learn, do you? Maybe I should make a new rule so you know when you're allowed to speak…" She sighs deeply, regaining her composure.
"I guess you're… not totally unbearable. It's fun to see that stupid face of yours when I'm being mean to you, especially at school. Remember when I almost smashed the Yumeko figure you got me? Ohh, that was priceless… Or how stupid you looked with my… foot in your mouth… Speaking of which…
The bed shifts. I tense up, mentally and physically preparing for Mitsuko's toes against my lips. They never arrive. I hear Mitsuko's berating laughter. I try not to pout.
"Aww, I'm sorry… You're addicted, aren't you? I want to hear you say it. I'll reward you if you say, 'I'm addicted to my bullies feet.'"
The blindfold covers my pleading eyes. Mitsuko gives me ample time to make a decision. Who am I kidding? It was decided the moment I met her. I repeat the phrase in a whisper. Louder, she says. I say it again, and again, and again…
The final repetition I feel the smooth texture of her foot on my cheek. I kiss the tip of her toe softly. Only two pecks and she pulls away, laughing at my desperation as my third kiss touches only air.
"That's the closest you'll ever get to kissing a girl," she says. I'm unsure why this comment hurts me more than anything else. I'm torn between submission and rebellion, wanting to speak up, but not wanting to forfeit the opportunity for more subservience, more of that divine scent and taste…
"Something on your mind? Go ahead. You have permission to speak. Wipe the drool from your face first…"
I dry my chin with my hand and clear my throat. "Why do we have to keep this a secret?"
In my darkened realm I can feel Mitsuko retreat into herself. She comes back with her voice cold. "This again? Look, I told you the other day. I'm me, you're you. It's never going to happen."
"Why? Are you ashamed of me?"
"I didn't say that," Mitsuko replies.
"But you act so differently around your friends."
"That's… not true… I degrade you either way."
I shake my head. "It's different when we're alone. You see me… But when we're in public, it's like these moments never happened, like you're embarrassed to spend time with me. I just wish—"
"I fucking told you it's not going to happen! So just shut up... Or do I have to hit you again?"
I'm appalled by what she said. The hitting was supposed to be consensual, a part of our mutually agreed training, an intimate act of her dominance over me… Yes it was taken too far, but I signed on for it. This, though?...
"Hey," she grabs my arm. "That was a joke. I'm sorry."
I'm relieved to hear that, but I'm still deeply wounded.
"I… I have feelings too… I deserve—"
"What, exactly?" Mitsuko cuts me off, raising her voice. "You don't deserve anything. Shut up and learn your place! We're never going to be anything more than this. You and I don't know each other outside of this room. Got it?"
I take the blindfold off. Mitsuko is stunned. I stand up. "I don't think I can keep doing this…"
"Huh?"
"You're tearing me apart, Mitsuko…" Tears stream from my eyes, but my voice remains strong. "It's ok if you don't like me. I understand. It's just… I can't just be your toy. I've never felt this much pain. I'm sorry, but I should go."
Mitsuko is so startled that she does not move. It's not until I'm outside that she chases me down, running barefoot in the front yard. "Jin, wait…"