Of Big and Small Things

When Kala was a small kit, she would claim to not be afraid of the dark. Her main argument was that she wasn't scared of anything. When that failed to convince anyone, she'd backtrack and say it wasn't the dark she was afraid of, but what it hides. Then, Kala grew a few feet taller and a few rotations wiser, so that if anyone asked her what she thought of the dark, she would respond with a phrase that has no direct human translation. Kala liked that. Humanity brought nothing but darkness to her planet.

Her first interaction with a human had not gone well. Her little sister Aura had invited a human to one of their usual get-togethers. It hurt Kala to see her sister with a human, no matter how happy they both seemed. Kala told her sister this as soon as she kicked that human out. Aura told her, in their language, that she could see the sunset with them, or remain in the darkness of her apartment. Kala knew she was considered part of what the dark hides. 

Nevertheless, she kicked them both out. What does Aura not understand? She's been too busy planet-hopping with that human to realize what's happening on hers. With the cold front approaching, it was only a matter of time before their home on this planet became inhospitable. It was already happening. Kala lived on the fifth floor of her apartment building because all the floors below her were full when she moved in. Now, she is the only resident in the entire building. While everyone has moved to other islands with clearer skies and warmer temperatures, Kala has remained. Kala likes to think of herself as resilient, even when others like to think of her as stupid. After the fight with Aura, Kala looks out her window and notices the empty pink beach. She has never felt so stupid.

Once, a few decades ago, Kala started her first day of education. She must have been about ten rotations old. All the other kits were so friendly. There were full-furs, half-furs, no-furs, and many mixes. She befriended another full-fur with bright orange fur and white spots named… What was her name? It was so long ago. Kala can't remember a time when she was in a place so diverse and happy. 

Then, the aliens invaded. Humans, they called themselves. They were fur-less, smart, and kind. They said they came in peace. They gave the fur-kinds gifts beyond their comprehension. They said the fur-kinds were stupid, but it was okay, because they would help civilize them. Humans were the only thing anyone ever wanted to talk about. 

When Kala started her third year of education, no one wanted to sit next to her. No one wanted to sit with any of the other full-furs, actually. The no-furs said they would catch their fur lice if they got too close. They said: you understand, right? Kala looked away and said: I understand. They laughed as she turned her back on them. Kala had never felt so…so big before. She felt like a monster who would rather risk hurting innocent kits than sit alone for a day or two. She felt like she was hurting people already, just by existing. The feeling only grew. 

A day or two turned into a rotation, which turned into another and another. Kala helped kits with their work. She would let them vent to her. Still, no one wanted anything to do with her. 

It wasn't long after that that the half-furs nearly stopped existing. Kala knew by now what was happening; half-furs were selling their fur to the humans -and they thought it was a good thing. The humans made stuff -mostly clothing, out of it. Not only did it completely strip them of their identities, but it also stripped them of their only protection against the steadily increasing cold. The cold had been coming and going for hundreds of rotations, but it decided now was the best time to stay. 

Kala remembers when Aura was born. She must have been around fifteen rotations old. The tensions that divided the full-furs from the no-furs now divided the full-furs from each other. Apparently, full-furs could be salvaged if they were pretty enough. It seemed "pretty enough" was always subjective enough to completely turn its back on her. Kala nearly cried when she held Aura for the first time. She didn't from the happiness she should've felt, but from the dawning horror she felt to see that her sister was born ugly. 

Now, though, Kala knows no one is born ugly. She knows the kits were just being kits. She knows her fur doesn't have to be beautiful to work. Even after having these epiphanies, nothing in Kala's life seemed to agree. She could never find clothes made for full-furs anymore. The kits of humans touring her planet will grab her hair and coo about 'wanting to pet the cat.' Kala had no idea what a cat was, but by the way the parents of the kits would stare at her, she could easily imagine a huge, scary, ugly monster. For some reason, the thought of these so-called cats made her happy. Somewhere in the universe, there were other full-furs who knew what humans were capable of. Maybe they kicked the humans off their planet and got justice. Maybe they were all killed by the humans. Either way, Kala could go a day or two without some dumb tourist calling her a cat. 

She could go a day or two without seeing a human at all, actually. She misses walking alongside opal cliffs with the other kits while the sky turns from its usual pink to purple at sunset. The pink ocean outside her window has never felt so far away. 

In her kitchen, Kala finds herself thinking of the human that was in it less than an hour ago. It wore huge purple glasses that complimented the white fur on her head. If it weren't for those obnoxious glasses she refused to take off, Kala could have easily misidentified her as a no-fur instead of a human. Kala grips the dirt cup in her hands hard at the stupid thought. She knows what a no-fur looks like. She knows how to tell her people apart. No matter how much Aura might insist, that human, or any other human, will never be her people. They managed to take away everything she had: her community, their fur, and her last surviving family member. Kala hurls the cup at the nearest wall. She cringes as it explodes into a million shards of glass. She can't help the tears of frustration that leak from their ducts as she grabs a broom. 

Kala throws away the last of the shards when there is a melody of knocks on her door. She yanks at the fur on her temples and digs her palms into her eyes as she curses. That melody has many names, and none of them are good. Kala creeps towards the door and opens it. The sight, though a familiar one, always manages to make her breathe faster. 

Standing up straighter, Kala pieces together her broken English and takes a deep breath. "I'm… sorry." Her eyes look at everything except the eyes of the man in front of her. She knows humans think of her as stupid -uncivilized, but she tries her best. Kala has the English alphabet memorized along with most words, but that doesn't mean anything when her mouth refuses to cooperate with her mind. She must speak slowly for now. 

"My forgiveness depends on what happened here. Care to explain?" Mr. Vanderhart is her landlord. He also happens to be human. Kala knows the only thing keeping this building from being destroyed and turned into a hotel for tourists is her. The humans tried every tactic up their sleeves to get her to leave, but Kala remained as resilient -stupid, her mind supplies- as ever. If this incident is what finally gets her kicked out, she'll make sure to take Mr. V down with her. No, she shouldn't think that. Mr. V has been nothing but kind to her. A little too kind sometimes, but Kala can't tell if her rational mind conjured that thought, or if her big, hateful mind did. 

"I'm… mad. Mad at…my sister." 

Mr. V nods and seems to consider it for a moment, before finally speaking. "May I come in?"

No, Kala wants to say -wants to scream. She reminds herself that what she wants doesn't matter and steps aside in a show of acquiescence. Mr. V's smile stretches wide like it always does and steps inside. He appears to assess her living space before turning to her. "I didn't know you had a sister."

Oh. Oh. Kala may be stupid, but she's not stupid stupid. She knows what human men want. She knows what they are. The thought repeats in her head like a mantra as she stares the man down. Her trance is knocked out of course as Mr. V bursts out laughing. 

"Look at you, getting all defensive for nothing. I don't mean any of you any harm, you know. It was just a question." Right.

"Anyway, I want to let you know that my previous offer still stands." Kala cringes at the reminder of his 'offer'. He has invited her to his house countless times to "hang out". If Kala were stupid stupid, that is what she'd believe. She knows the man lives too far to call the journey a casual trip. She also knows for a fact the man has a wife. 

"And I also wanted to inform you of a new one." Wow. He even manages to look shy. 

"Well, I'm sure you've heard of the -what do you call them? Full-furs? You've probably heard of all the full-furs going to New-Earth, right? Well allegedly, they get a pretty nifty salary to tour the galaxy! Think about it: you, rich, touring the Milky Way in a spaceship… What else could you want, am I right?" 

Kala knows these offers well. They usually have little to do with "touring the galaxy" and more to do with whatever odd jobs they want no-furs to do. Most of them don't come back, and Kala doesn't want to know why. She also does not want to know why this offer is for full-furs, the so-called ugliest of all fur-kinds. Her back straightens as she glares at Mr. V.

He seems taken aback by her sudden standoffishness and takes a few steps back. "I'm just saying, Kayla-"

"Kala."

"Kala. Got it. All I'm saying is: wouldn't it be nice to get away? I mean, every time I see you, you're alone. The few times you're actually talking to someone, it's to argue. I mean, don't tell me I'm the only one who sees a pattern here. Kala, do any of these people like you? I don't have to ask if you like them, I know you do, because you're kind and strong, even when people don't deserve your kindness or strength. There is no one -there's nothing here for you. I just don't get it. You're destined for wonderful things, Kala. Wouldn't you rather be out in the sun -in the light- than stay here in the dark? I mean, there's nothing wrong with dark, of course, but it seems to me you've made it your entire life. You live in the dark -you are the dark- and you spread it. That's why no one wants to be with you. That's why you're alone. Tell me: does that sister of yours want anything to do with you after you fought with her and caused a scene loud enough to be heard from five stories down?"

Kala snaps her head to Mr. V as the last sentence leaves his mouth. She hadn't even thought about it. What if Aura wanted nothing more to do with her? Did she really lose her sister over a human? Besides Aura, she has no one left. There's nothing here for you. Kala's eyes burn as the image of a furious Aura with a terrified human returns to the forefront of her mind. 

"Hey, hey. Come here." Mr. V holds his arms out for a hug. Kala doesn't hesitate to rush into his arms as another sob chokes out of her throat. Maybe she should've hesitated, because Mr. V hugs her back tight. Kala suddenly feels small, and it makes her stop crying. She's spent her entire life feeling big, like the big bad wolf in those human fairy tales Aura loved as a small kit. The big bad wolf always destroys everything in its way to get what it wants. No one writes about the big bad wolf with a happy ending because it doesn't deserve one. The big bad wolf shouldn't get a happy ending, but standing here, deep in an embrace with this man, she feels…not good, but definitely not bad. She's been wanting to feel not bad for so long, and if being small helps, well…

"Let's go." Mr. V pulls back from their embrace with wide eyes. The words are a shock to them both. Mr. V doesn't wait around to pretend he doesn't know what she's talking about or ask if she feels any better now. He does ask her one thing, though.

"Are you ready?" 

He smiles that wide, annoying smile of his and it makes Kala hesitate instinctively. The aggressive hesitation makes her feel weak and smaller, and she knows it's not a choice anymore.

"I'm ready." 

Mr. V takes her hand gently and guides her to the front door. The light from outside blinds her for a second before they're outside. Kala closes the door behind her and stares at the pink sky. The clouds sit beautifully up there today. 

"It's just the sky. You'll see it many more times." Mr. V jabs his elbow at her in a teasing manner and it makes Kala feel big in a nasty way. She can't tell who's using who in this situation.

As they descend the stairs, Kala feels the big bad wolf inside her get smaller and smaller. She's weak and small, and Kala doesn't hate it. As they enter an empty apartment on the bottom floor, Kala imagines the three little pigs feeling peace for the first time. She feels good knowing she's brought justice to the people she's hurt by getting rid of their mutual enemy. This is the wolf's happy ending: saving the three little pigs by preventing himself from reaching his crooked destiny. It hurts to think about it, but Kala knows better than to think she was destined for anything else. In the dark, freezing room, Kala wishes she could disappear. Maybe if she never existed, she wouldn't need to be punished. 

Maybe the big bad wolf's happy ending would be never existing at all.