Today was one of the worst I lived ever.
Which's a good 18 years btw. It was one of those days... The ones where Seb disappears from the face of earth, for two to four days a month.
So basically my bestie is a nice person but .. in school he's isn't allowed to be his good person side, he puts on his social mask which is the mean cruel bully in school who does do horrible stuff_ getting drunk and driving, stealing, bullying as in scaring the actual bullies in school to hand over their money, vandalism... just to name a few_ I don't support it but I don't tell him to stop... They do deserve it, the bullies ofc.
So he thinks of this as a vacation, he doesn't tell to where or when he'll come back, his phone shuts completely, he likes to think he's separate from here . As in, this life can go fuck it self I'm out kinda way, but a few days later he'll be like, hi!! I'm back.
I hate these days because it reminds me how lonely I'm without Seb with all day.
Normally I'll just go about my day trying not to think about that, but not only did I not check my messages in the morning so I was late waiting for him to come pick me up, I did in fact miss the bus after the devastating realization hit to his *I'm off the clock* text.
Thus I was late, sweaty and tired from the loooong as hell walk when I got to school.
I missed the mandatory club hour so I'll have detention _ kinda of_ and half the first period.
My school isn't normal, well maybe to regular students, but as a class president and as the head of the students's council my detention is sorting through my teachers papers and organizing them, which what I was doing all afternoon with my headphones on_ I wasn't interested in the loud breathing of the gym teacher or the snoring of the ... Tbh don't know how he was, he's just not a teacher, not our headmaster nor the dean, probably in administration_ that I didn't notice the sun already setting down.
I have finished only half by then and maybe a little over it of paperwork, I sat up stretching as I swayed with the music liking the freedom of being all alone at that point. I lifted the shades off the window not expecting to see the purple hue in the sky that's getting closer by the second to the shining golden orange-ish rays of the sun which I couldn't see thanks to the huge building of the law firm just outside the school.
It was a beautiful sight I would have loved dwelling on it for hours if not for the dread that filled my chest as I thought of the walk back home.
I closed the room before I said buy to baldy_ our school's guard who's really sweet by the way_ he surprised me and offered to drive me home on his bike after his shift ended a few minutes before ( I probably looked so pathetic to him at that moment he took pity on me) I politely declined.
But as I saw him ride away i questioned if what I had done the right thing... No it was the smartest thing to do. His skinny tires struggle to keep him on the bike, add to that me and we'll both be walking. Plus I couldn't keep his husband waiting at their home for so long , especially since baldy had this glinting shine in his eyes whenever he headed home.
However as I stared down the path ahead of me, taunting me I totally regret it.
Then comes a loud buzzing sound to my ears through the headphones, someone is calling, and I know for sure it's not Sebastian but I still hope. So no wonder seeing Kyle's name instead of his is a little disappointing, I was overjoyed none the less.
" You are either godsend gift to me or really good mind-reader."
" That happy I called? It sure doesn't sound like it, where are you?"
" At the front gate of the school trying to ignore the scowl on the night shift guard, please come."
" Are you hurt? Why do you sound so distressed? Is it the guard? Is he scaring you?-"
" Bump your breaks.. no, I'm not, no and no.
You satisfied now?"
" I'm on my way, and until I'm there why don't you tell me why you sound like.. they fed you kittens for lunch at school."
"Pf-...That's not even a thing people say Kyle! where did you get that from? It's stupid. "
"Stupid? Maybe. Accurate? Definitely. Now, you gonna tell me or do I have to bribe you?"
"... What would you bribe me with? Not that I'm interested, just curious."
" How about my brother's number since you seemed so interested in him on Friday?"
The balls on this man! He knows I'm upset and still teasing me about the most embarrassing mistake I made ever.
Needless to say, I was freaking annoyed.
"Y'know what? Don't come I'll just walk home alone. And I hope I get murdered just so it keeps you up at night for the rest of your life."
" Sweetheart, there's nothing to be ashamed about here. This is young love. The purest of all kinds of love. I hope it works out between you two. I support you."
"I don't think wishing that both sides of your pillow are warm is a good enough curse for this kind of situation . So... I wish the next girl you approach was a man."
" ... I ... I'm sorry. Take that back, please."
" You started it, so no."
"Petty. Are you the one wearing the white tennis skirt, with high boots?"
" Why am I worried you didn't describe a top? Are you only staring at people's asses trying to find out which one is mine?"
" What? No! ...even tho I'll recognize it in first glance since it's one of a kind... But no I'll never do so. Still. It's that you?" He joked
" Yes. It's me, but why can't I see you?"
"You're facing the way to your house and not the way from mine." He added from behind me, he gets out of his car as I turn and face him, the panty melting smile he had on when he pulled up turns into this angry scowl.
Panty melting? MONICA get it together!
"... It's your boyfriend again, isn't it?" Is all he asks looking a little terrifying.
" If you mean Sebastian, my boy best friend, then yes." I reply try and failing to seem playful and not depressed.
" Why does your mood have to always depends on his presence?"
One thing I never mentioned in my dairy before about Seb's feelings for Kyle? They're very much reciprocated.
I stay silent after that and also during the whole ride back home. I won't just engage in a conversation I know the outcome of . As much as I count Kyle as a friend. It's not worth it.
When you start bad mouthing your best friend to another friend it's when you know the friendship is over. And as much as what Seb's doing (with disappearing like this) is messing me up. I can't complain about it to anyone, not my parents ( they're too happy, I'll hate to upset them.) or my other friends ( they're my classmates not my friends.) or sunshine and his girl ( why would I bring something like that to the young love birds?) not to Kyle ( I don't want to burden him with my feelings and insecurities.) and for sure not to my dairy ( you can never be so sure who will read this).
The silent treatment I gave him is undeserved, so to lighten the mood before I get out of the car I kiss his cheek and whisper a calm "I'm sorry" just so he knows I wasn't angry at him at the end of the night .
I get home and immediately relax after I wore my PJs .
I'm not writing until Seb's come back. It's making me more upset. GN.