The next few days were filled with constant boredom that made Yao Ling feel like a trapped bird in a golden cage; It's beautiful but limited in space. It's worse since he can't outright practice his swordsman skills to work out his restlessness. He has tried with a stick before when he manages to run away from his maids and Sun Momo until they find him once again, but to his dismay, it's just not the same.
The three-year-old sighs, right now he's supposed to be listening to Sun Momo's little story about a rabbit who's building their badger friend a boat made out of mud so they can go fish. It is supposed to be part of his academic schedule as he is required to memorize the whole five-page book.
No sooner than five minutes of listening to the children's story he tunes out.
He's more interested in what he read from Empress Xuefang's notes.
The upcoming family tea party. According to the information written down, it's an 'only' royal family event as the list included all the important relatives, from the Empress Dowager to the Emperor's siblings to, of course, the Emperor's highest consorts and his current children. Yao Lings wonders idly how a place full of people who presumably don't like each other will turn out, then he suddenly remembers he's the child of an unloved empress, which most likely means not good.
Yao Lings has heard that having the Emperor's attention, in this case, unwavering affection is pretty much like having a golden goose egg; that which can afford you respect and privileges, what those exact privileges are he's not entirely sure.
Either way, he's the Empress's son, right? What could they possibly do to him that wouldn't result in heavy consequences? Surely whoever tries must be foolish to harm a three-year-old in such an important event. Yao Lings assures himself the more he processes it.
"Fourth Prince!"
Yao Ling shocks back into the present, Sun Momo glares at him despondently making the wrinkles in her eyes and at the edge of her thin lips appear more clearly.
" Have you not been paying attention at all?"
Yao Ling merely blinks. Cleary his silence was an answer enough, closing the book loudly enough to cause Yao Ling to sit straighter.
She pinches the bridge of her nose, hoping the lords above to give her strength to deal with everything that involves the Fourth Prince. This is unfortunate for her because fifteen-year-old Yao Ling is well known for not following orders from strangers.
She huffs, setting the book down, " My children are more well-behaved than this. I can't believe the Empress's son is such a...inobedient brat. Teaching the First Prince was much better than this." She sits down, using one hand to cradle her temple.
Yao Ling's ears perked up. He will admit he is downright intrigued by what the other palaces are like. He hasn't heard much about the other princes or concubines other than what those maids said to each other and the Emperor's words. Maybe he can learn something more about them if he asks now.
"Who is First Prince?" He's been compared to this First Prince quite a lot, there is not much news about the royal family that travels to the war camps, all the news he gets is specifically from the General himself.
Sun Momo doesn't even look up, " First Prince, Jing Hua, is your oldest brother-by three years to be exact. Despite being very young, he is respected and well-liked by many in the inner palaces- though I'm sure it's mostly due to Noble Consort's Gao large influence." She states loudly to herself.
Yao Ling is impressed at the lack of care the Momo has about a three-year-old listening to what surely would cause her to get punishment. But he's not complaining, he's quite used to adults not caring about what children might happen to hear.
Sun Momo continues, " Haah, I should not be complaining too much after all I was given mercy to continue my work as an instructor, but for the Empress child instead."
Yao Ling blinks, something happened? Did she lose her position? "Momo taught First Prince?" He asks.
Sun Momo glanced at him, "Yes, and you must address the First Prince as Royal First Brother, Fourth Prince." Sun Momo did not elaborate and the conversation seemed to end as she walked towards him and went to pick him up instead, her arms hesitated as he glared back.
Her arms went down, and with a huff, she walked towards the doors " Come, Fourth Prince, it is time for dinner."
When they reached the room, Yao Ling didn't glance at the figure in silver on the table now accustomed to seeing the Empress during his lunch and dinner.
Yao Lings is slowly starting to get used to these meetings, while he doesn't meet the Empress on every occasion due to his work. He does miss having meals with company, before his death. General Yao was too busy making plans and corresponding with other military fleets to have dinner with Yao Ling, and Yao Ling was too embarrassed to ask.
He quickly moves on from thinking about the General, he's still not ready to come to terms that he won't see him again.
On the other hand, despite the lack of speaking, he appreciates the Empress being here. It's weird, he thinks, how comfortable he's getting around the Empress. He finds himself wanting to know this person more, there's something about him that Yao Ling can't resist wanting to understand about this aloof man, who is unloved by everyone, and yet he shows nothing to the world not even to the Emperor.
After he finishes eating the Empress stands to leave bidding him goodnight with a pat on the head, which makes Yao Ling weirdly warm and confused, the ghost of his hand stays with him until his bathed by the nanny and tucked into bed.
Weird.
After some time he finally lays in bed, warm and comfortable in the softest bed, on silks he has never dreamed of sleeping on. The candles were already out except for a few so he's he's not in complete darkness. He closes his eyes despite not having done anything at throughout the day and sleep takes him.
***
(TW: Suffocation near the end. The nightmare ends at the ** mark)
...
...
"Dammit A'Ling! I specially ordered you to protect your group! And what did you do?! You went against my orders and went on your own!" The General slammed his hands on the table. The sound was loud in the small tent. It drowned out the noise of soldiers marching just outside.
Yao Ling bristles in anger, " I had it handled! The bandits were nearing the village! What was I supposed to do?! Not help-"
"-Yes! " General Yao points agressily at Yao Ling." You were given orders! The villagers were already guarded and yet you-!" The General swiftly centers himself, he walks around the the table, pacing around the tent.
Yao Ling could feel the tension in his bones, he did the right thing, and he helped the defenseless, so why was he so angry? He's one of the best swordsmen around, and for what- just to be used for scouting? No way. He did the right thing. He knows he did-
"Because of your actions two of the soldiers in your group have died."
...what.
General Yao stands in front of him tall and imposing the scar on his cheek stands out in the candlelighted tent. The scar Yao Ling gave him. Yao Ling is too shocked to look at his eyes.
" You're surprised? Of course, you are. Not once have you thought of anyone but yourself have you?" General Yao says lowly, and brutally making sure Yao Ling catches every word like a knife to the chest.
"No..I- I'm-"
General Yao continues, " How many times would it take for you to understand, Yao Ling? Five deaths? Ten deaths? Today was only two, but what about next time, huh? Will you defy orders and endanger your squadron for your stupid pride? TELL ME YAO LING!?"
"IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR." Yao Ling shouts.
The General's piercing eyes squint at him, Yao Lung has never felt so small. The General had never shown this much fury before.
Gods, two of his teammates had died. The worst part is that he probably knows who they are.
General Yao walks back towards the table hands barced on the dark wood, his back facing Yao Ling.
"Pride is not needed in war. I have let you off because you are young, yet you still do not listen. You do not care for others well being neither do you understand the consequences of your actions." Yao Ling can't see his face, but his words are still clear and cutting through Yao Ling.
"One mistake is all it takes.."
Yao Ling stares silently, too guilty to defend the small shred of hurt feelings he has. He can feel goosebumps rise through his arms and a chill runs down his spine. The edges of his vision focus solely on the General.
The General turns the front of his armor dripping in blood visible slashes that cut through the armor. His open neck wound pours a stream of blood as he stares down at Yao Ling.
"All it took was one mistake. You will never change, A'Ling. Everyone around you will die because you can't care about anyone but yourself."
Yao Ling's breath staggers, and he walks back General Yao walks a few steps forward and slowly points at Yao Ling.
"Look at what pride did to you."
Yao Ling's breathing becomes shorter and shorter. Less oxygen travels to his lungs and he collapses to his knees. He claws at his throat hoping to get air but all it results in a burning sensation, he distantly feels the taste of iron in his mouth and driving down his chin.
He can't breathe. He can't breathe-
He collapses as he wheezes for any bit of air until the world darkens and the last thing he sees is a shadow of something in front of him.
...
...
**
Yao Ling wakes up with a loud inhale, quickly he sits up and breathes and breaths. Gathering as much air in his lungs as he can.
Gods what an awful nightmare. It started as a memory but then divulged it something horrific and awful. He breathes again. He is sweating and his hands are still shaking.
Tears fall down his face and he cleans them with his sleeve. He needs to cool down. He gets out of bed with light steps, and quietly opens the door. There's a maid that fell asleep at his door, which means it must be around the hour of the Ox. He closes the door silently and tip toes away.
It's is silent in the Jade palace, walking through the empty cold corridors is soothing his lungs and cooling his sticky skin.
He doesn't want to think about his nightmare, or his past grieves, he just can't, it's too much. So many mistakes Yao Ling made, but that one has never been easier to swallow. Though the dream was tisted into something horrid and gory its is still a memory.
That was the first time anyone died due to his fault. His mind has never let him forget that particular argument with the General. And his heart has not been any lighter since.
"Everyone around you will die because you can't care about anyone but yourself."
Yao Ling stops, he stares to his left at the serene view of the snowflakes falling onto the garden adding to the already blanketed ground.
It's cold.
He hears light footsteps in front of him, and suddenly stop a few paces away.
He slowly turns to see who it is. Yao Ling is not surprised.
"A'Ling why are you out of bed?" The Empress stood still clad in silver but with less layers. Hair loosley braided and over the shoulder. He face not expressing anything.
"Everyone around you will die because you can't care about anyone but yourself."
Yao Ling stared back.