I leapt to the side before even opening my eyes. It would have been nice to have some time to think, maybe check my status and confirm all my stats were the same, but Mr. Axe-Man was not a man of patience, or a man at all. He was a man of action, with that action consisting largely of swinging his axe down at me. At the very least, I had to be thankful that I got to grind a bit of Dodge EXP at the start of each loop, however miniscule it might be. Anyway.
I ignored the guy getting chopped down like always—thank god Sociopathy wasn't a stat, this situation was eroding my humanity faster than an online argument about game design—and picked up my now-standard equipment, including a few daggers on his belt. I had ignored them before, but now I understood the virtue of Throwing Weapons. I grabbed his belt too, which made me feel increasingly like a despicable corpse robber, though maybe that was good because I literally was. Anyway, once my helmet was on and everything, I pondered my next step, trying not to do so for long enough that it was considered a monologue. Should I go get the goblin fuck, or retreat to where the explosion happened and try to warn people? I probably had enough time to do both if I got to the goblin fast enough, but I didn't want to get poisoned again, and at the moment the goblin felt a bit extraneous. I decided to just run to the left, ducking and weaving in hopes of dodging any arrows.
After a few minutes of running (and a few dodged arrows, with a complimentary Dodging and Athletics level up) but there were definitely less orcs around. Just a few stragglers, maybe? The rows of human soldiers seemed to be standing their ground, though it looked more like out of confusion and uncertainity than the result of any particular orders. I noticed there were pallisades built into the ground. Actual defenses. I was on the human side for sure. I swung my head around, looking around to see if there was any better direction to focus on, when I saw her.
It was hard not to, when the flash of her long yellow hair stood out so dramatically against the brown mud of the battlefield and the grey of all the armor. It was flowing out of the back of her helmet, pinched down but still having enough space to break free, and a closer look revealed her gesturing sharply in the air while presumably shouting instructions to the men nearby. A makeshift table and some scattered chairs implied this was the forward most base of the human army, perhaps thrown into disarray by an orc ambush. Either way, her ornate plate armor—better decorated than any other plate armor I could see at the moment, with the insigna of a golden hawk emblazened on the front—marked her as at least a captain. I stumbled in that direction, figuring it would be safer there than anywhere.
"—at least five hundred of them. The Excursed could send more at any moment, if she's behind this," I heard the girl saying; her voice was hard, like cold steel. "We need to fall back to Fort Treem and- no, I don't give a shit about standing our ground, we have no fucking mage support. Did you forget we were here for training, not for—"
I lost the rest of what she was saying as I sat on a nearby rock to observe and think over the new information here. The fact I understood her language as English was unsurprising; the GUI had been in English, after all. Standard stuff. It looked like the girl was stuck arguing with a stubborn officer who was more concerned with the disgrace of fleeing from lowly orcs than anything, while she was concerned about... some fantasy stuff I didn't understand. Mage support? Excursed? Fort Treem? Anyway, it didn't seem like I was going to get much more information while waiting. It was time to step forward and hope Chadness was a stat.
"Ma'am!" I shouted, assuming that if she was not the highest in command, then she was at least someone who already agreed retreat or regrouping was important.
She turned my way, ice-blue eyes visibly narrowed behind the front of her helm. "What is it, soldier?" She looked me over, that is, my t-shirt and jeans. "Where's your armor? Wait... What's your name and rank?"
"Ah," I began. "I am..." Crap, what do I say? My real name probably isn't like any name in this fantasy world, and marking myself as a foreigner when she's already clearly suspicious is not a good idea. I need to channel my inner fantasy nerd and effortlessly state a fantasy name that won't draw any suspicion. "I am Malcador."
Name Set! You are now Malcador.
Uh oh.
The girl sniffed. "That seems true, at least. Now, your rank? Squadron?"
"I... New recruit, left squad?" I said, before I could even contemplate the significance behind her words.
If her eyes had been narrowed before, they were all but murderous slits now. She silently drew her sword and thrusted it through my chest before I could even speak. I fell back, and as my vision faded I heard her curse. "Blasted doppelgangers. Not even a good liar, this one. Now, about the mage support—"
Okay, magic was real, and made things a helluva lot more complicated than it needed to be. Killing soldiers that didn't have their proper rank or squadron memorized was, to be fair, a natural reaction to doppelgangers. I kind of put myself into that situation, too, by clearly pretending to be a solider (what with the helmet and stuff) when I wasn't. Maybe in another situation the girl would have left me alive for questioning, but this was a pretty intense battle situation with people dying left and right. She didn't have time to spare for that. Am I simping for her? No, I just understand she made a rational decision. The fault was all mine.
In any case, there was a clear solution to this problem, and it was the dude who I usually left to die. This time, after instinctively dodging to the left, I ran to the 1v1ing guy. I didn't know if I had time to grab the dead dude's sword, so this time I just leapt into the air and dropkicked the orc in the side.
Skill Unlocked! Unarmed Combat Level 1
Skill Up! Athletics Level 3
Hell yeah, motherfucker. The orc tumbled to the side and the younger guy didn't hesistate for an instant before stabbing his faux-knife speartip into the side of its neck. It roared, and for good measure I kicked the other end of the spear tip. The roaring stopped.
Lesser Orc Defeated!
"Thanks," the younger guy said, breathlessly. His eyes scanned the area as we spoke, no doubt looking for a loose sword or spear to pick up. I stealthily positioned myself in between him and the dead guy I usually looted and nodded.
"No problem. By the way, what's your rank? Squadron?"
"Farmer Second-Class, Torso Squad. Why? If you're here, aren't you in the same... Wait." He stopped scanning the crowd for a weapon and looked me over. T-Shirt and jeans, once again. If I had learned anything it was to never meditate and pray to be isekai'd in casual clothing. Order plate armor off Amazon first so you'll fit in when summoned in the middle of a battlefield. Though it looked like this guy was just wearing leather armor. Perhaps I was looting a captain this entire time.
Before he could ask me anything, I shouted "Later!" and bolted directly away from him, not to flee so much as to get a helmet and sword ASAP. The only thing worse than monologuing on a battlefield was engaging in lengthy conversation on a battlefield, since in that case it was two people who would get arrows in the head not one.
He didn't follow. I equipped myself on the corpse like always. For a second I considered trying to snatch all of his plate armor, but it seemed like it would take a lot of time to undo it all and get changed. That was asking for an arrow to the exposed body part, not to mention probably a self-righteous human stabbing me in the neck for looting this honorable probably-captain. The helmet, belt of daggers, and sword would have to do, even if I did look fairly ridiculous. If only I hadn't been wearing a shirt with an out of date pop culture reference. I could not believe how much being trendy and hip was debilitating me here.
Anyway, back to the camp. A few minutes of running, dodging arrows in the form of ducking and weaving while on the move, etc. No level ups this time.
"We need to fall back to Fort Treem and- no, I don't give a shit about standing our ground, we have no fucking mage support. Did you forget we were here for training, not for—"
Same conversation as last time, though I got here a little later. The exact machinations were a mystery—the conversation with the dude took extra time, but I also spent less time putting on the belt of daggers. Trying to puzzle out the exact chronology of all this would kill me if I didn't just count the seconds from the moment I opened my eyes, which didn't seem very pleasant. Anyway, take two.
"Ma'am!" I shouted, and just like last time, she turned with her ice-blue eyes narrowed behind her helm.
"What is it, soldier?" She looked me over, that is, my t-shirt and jeans. "Where's your armor? Wait... What's your name and rank?"
"Malcador. Farmer-Two, from the Torso Squad."
She tilted her head. "Hm. What news do you have?"
"News from the front," I said, telling more or less the truth based on what I knew from previous looks. "There's going to be an explosion soon. Orcs are planning to wipe out the whole back ranks. Reports of blue orcs at the back of their formation."
"Blast!" the girl shouted, slamming a fist down. "Orc mages. And we don't have any fucking mage support!"
"Where are the mages?" I asked, thinking that could be useful information.
She shot me a look. "You should know that, soldier. This is an infantry excercise, and all the mages are back at the fort, recharging mana. They can't get here in time. I thought you had just..." her eyes widened a bit. "What's my name? What's the name of your commanding officer?"
"I... Uh..." Shit.
"Blasted doppelganger!" she said, and out came the sword. I bolted towards the fort with her shouting orders behind me. Probably for people to chase me, or shoot arrows. Why was this girl so mistrusting and deadly? I guess any commanding oficer in a world with doppelgangers would need to get suspicious, so I could hardly blame her, but sheesh. She was probably killing me more than the orcs ever would.
Anyway, the plan was—I say while dodging arrows, and actually getting a Dodging level up from it—to get to the fort, find a mage, and learn Magic Barrier or whatever the fuck spell blocks fireballs. It would be too late in this loop, but judging by what she said, the mages would never make it here in time no matter how quickly word was sent. Call me arrogant, but I got the feeling the only way out of this predicament was me learning the Magic Barrier spell, then rushing over to block it myself. That would probably also earn the trust of the girl, who in retrospect was so battle-hardened she was willing to all but solo an entire orc army that one time, and from there I cou—
A roaring explosion sounded out behind me, sending a blast wave so hard it knocked me onto my face, and knocked me out. At least the rock didn't smash my skull to bits thanks to the helmet.
Skill up! Heavy Armor Level 2
Yippe... Shit.