When did I become so fond of the ending? 

I do not look for remorse from anybody as that is the last thing I want. But perhaps I look forward to the silent peace that it will grant me. Looking towards my future that I have previously set sight on, they do deem possibility, yet I feel too weak to move on forward. 14 years, I will be 30. Can that even be possible?

Sometimes I wished no one cared for me, so then my death would not be so painful to others other than my self. In contradiction to that I wish many cared for me, I wish that those who value me will bask themselves in my presence. 

I'm quite conflicted between 2 decisions. 

(I) I spend as much time as possible with those I have come far to loving and caring for, before I leave. 

(II) I completely distance myself from them all, purposely make a mistake so unforgivable that they do not accept me as their kind.

For the first one, it feels selfish. It feels as if I am satisfying my own demands in the cost of theirs. I do not want to die as someone who was known to not have thought about the others.

For the second one, it's too lonely. When I leave I would like to be known as someone who was powered with goodwill. I do not want to be known as the devil of their story. In fact it is ridiculous if you ask me.

Knowing myself, I will be able to make both decisions work out. After all, my indecisive nature has given me this priceless ability to balance things at an equilibrium. The only flaw is; one little mistake and the whole scale bellows.

I have almost no memories of last year, or the year before that.