"DEVINNNNNN" Joe screamed as he fell to his knees dramatically in the road, he was calling out to his boyfriend as if he had just been killed in the war. Ever since he couldn't find him back at Jakes house he was circling the block trying to find him.
"DEVIN I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. YOU KNOW I FAILED PE. IM TIRED DEVIN PLEASE"
Ah, Pe. Gym class. You either love it or hate it, forcing a bunch of teenagers to do it every week tends to have that effect. The jocks, the nerds, the fat kids, the kids that would rather just sit and talk rather than do anything, the group of girls always comparing boob sizes in the changing rooms. PE is where you can meet your best friends or your worst enemies.
Anyway, Joe was a bit of a loser so he hated PE. Meaning he hated running around the block begging for his boyfriend to run back into his arms.
He only did it because he loved him. Sometimes, you have to do things you hate in order to make sure the person you love the most is okay.
"DEVIN YOU'RE DEAD WHEN I NEXT SEE YOU. WATCH."
That was in a friendly tone, he laughed tiredly while saying it, the family were no longer infront of the ruined house so he could scream as much as he liked. He was just outside their house casually screaming into the void, it's like he's praying and his prayers are just constantly going unanswered
"Fuck all this man" Devin thought, he doesn't know these people and he's under no obligation to help them no matter how desperate they all seem for someone to step in. They were all too loud anyway, too loud for a Wednesday afternoon, too stressful for an already chaotic time where the only home he had to go back to after all this shit wasn't really his and all he had to wake up to was the cold, unforgiving pages of his mathematic mock exam tomorrow morning. He walked through what was once a gate to Jake's alley but was now a pile of ash and few jagged wooden pieces that all but faded to dust when they were stepped on, a horribly familiar feeling that tainted his already filthy white air forces that he'd been in trouble for so many times for breaking the uniform code. He walked for a while then stopped, resting his back on the blackened brick wall when he was just far enough out of sight to feel safe again.
He's had panic attacks before, once in his GCSE history exam which caused him to walk out, once in the middle of baggerwood country park when his dad left him there to find his own way home as a particularly harsh punishment and once in Joe's conservatory for a reason he can't quite remember. The point is he knows what they are now and he …sort of knows how to deal with them, he knows how they go, usually he starts counting the seconds he feels pass by, his breathing slows down and then Joe kisses him, it's sort of like a routine after a while and that thought is very comforting so…here goes…
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…
'How many seconds did it take the house to catch fire?' He wonders, 'how many seconds did it take for me to wake up and notice? How many seconds was I breathing in pure smoke?'
Oh god.
Does that shit stick around? Does it stay in your lungs or…the hairs of your nose or something? Is he still breathing it in?! It's been a week since the fire but, could it still be there? Fuck he never should have walked out of his biology GCSE then maybe he'd know…or was it his history? ….
He's still breathing it in, he's definitely still breathing it in, why the hell else is it so hard to breathe now?! He runs his numb hands across his trousers to try to feel them again, convince himself he's. not. dying. But the friction just creates more heat.
Heat.
Fuck it's hot. It was barely warm enough to decide forgo a jacket this morning how did it get so hot?! He runs a frantic hand across his face to try and brush off some of the sweat as he wonders how the hell that guy was in that massive fur jacket back there.
Holy shit he's burning, he's actually burning, he had to be, that's why it's so hot. His heart races as he all but drops to the floor, you're suppose to do that when you're on fire aren't you? Stop, drop and…and something else, he can't remember, all he can do is sit here with his back against the wall, knees against his chest because his whole body is weak and he can't remember when his last breath was. He tries again but all that comes out is this horrible strangled sound followed by the next loudest thing he can muster, a pathetic, desperate whimper as he covers his face with his hands hoping he was far enough away that the group of strangers didn't hear it, didn't find him, didn't come to "save" him, he didn't want their help, he only wanted…
"HEAVEN?!" He barely hears in the distance as his ears ring louder than the bells of a train heading straight towards him to pile drive him off the planet,
"HEAVEN?!" Maybe it does sound similar after all.
"DEVIN!! OH FOR FUCKSAKE!!"
After that he laid down on the concrete in frustration and let out a blood curdling scream like someone had just been murdered again (too soon?) and followed up with another choked out sob of his boyfriends name.
He missed his boy. Joe usually takes on the roll of being the bitch in his life. He's the one that would pour a milkshake in someone's hair if they're being an assshole. But, when you're with an even bitchier boy. Well, it makes Joe look like a saint, which he does not mind in the slightest.
The boy called out again, he wasn't going to stop until he got an answer "I KNOW YOUR FAT ASS DIDN'T WALK THAT FAR I KNOW YOU CAN FUCKING HEAR ME"
He's laughing while screaming, he's never been this obsessed with a boy and never wants to be again. If Heaven- sorry. Devin breaks his heart, then he's never loving again.
But hey. That's how all teenagers feel right?
He's so close. 'Please hear me please hear me please hear me' Dev thinks
"JOE!" He manages to sob out before he goes gasping for breath again
Just like that Joe is broken out of his fit of rage and immediately starts sprinting in the direction of the voice screaming, there's angry tears in his eyes, but he is smiling from ear to ear
"DEVINNNNNN" He shouted again through giggles, he was having fun with this now. Both boys were breathless and couldn't breathe, but for completely different reasons.
"WHERE ARE YOU BABES"
He paused when he made it to where he was, his head tilted slightly, he was planning to pounce on his lap, but the pleading expression in his boys eyes and the way in which he was sat made his heart drop to his stomach immediately. Joe was no longer smiling, his face was painted with concern
"Baby what's happened?- fuck it's cold over here." He wrapped his arms around himself and casually dropped to his knees next to Devin and cuddled at his side as an attempt to keep warm. It worked, Devin was extremely warm, too warm. Something was wrong. Joe looked up at him and gently pecked his lips
"What's wrong?"
"Shit okay. that's what's wrong. Okay, look at me"
He shifted off of him and held both of his hands "Babes. You're not dying. You know who's really dying, me, from running around this block to find you." Joe giggled and gave him another peck, this time on his forehead "If you were dying. I would know. Also, what are you doing here. In a tiny ass space. Surrounded by burnt shit. Not very smart of you now was it babes"
He gave him another quick kiss, this time on the lips, he then got up and then started coaxing Devin softly to get him out of here, he could tell the location was the issue. He will be making fun of him later for thinking leaving himself alone in a place surrounded by burnt ruins would calm him down.
"Come on, stand up i know you can" The boy spoke gently as he held his lovers hand.
Devin shook his head as he let out a few more sobs,
"No I can't!" He whimpered as he burrowed his head further into his arm crossed resting on his knees, further away from Joe's touch even though that's the thing he craves more than anything, that's the thing that might save him now
Joe's eyes rolled to the back of his head in slight annoyance, he knows this isn't his fault but he just needs him to realise that being in this place is NOT at all good for him.
"Devin i'm serious get up." He effortlessly drags the boy up with strength he did not know he had, he was much weaker than his boyfriend, he looked it too.
"I'll throw you over my shoulder if you carry on with this i can't shit. Yes you can. You're destined for anything" The last part was sarcasm. One part he did know, is that, he was not destined for A level history, i mean, he did walk out of his history gcse.
Joe held onto Devin as he was now stood up, maintaining a healthy amount of eye contact without it being classed as creepy, he wanted to let him know that he was safe.
He needed to get him out of that fucking alleyway.
Luckily for Joe, Dev managed to hold some of his own weight just before the smaller ones body gave out from supporting him. He was still trembling, gripping into Joe like he was terrified he'd disappear into a cloud of ash in mere seconds but he was up, walking and most importantly, breathing
The smaller boy dragged the panicked one out of the alley and into the street, he practically threw him onto the lawn of a random persons house, just to get him away from the burnt house.
"See. Told you. You're fine." He said as he dropped to his knees next to him once again, ripping out a little bit of grass and throwing it at Devin. He hoped that he would calm down
He'd calmed down sure, he wasn't burning anymore but he still shook his head whimpering, "Joe please, I'm not fine just-" he ran a frustrated hand through his hair slightly too hard, ripping at it slightly which he'd always been lightly scolded for before. He loved joe with everything he had which now to be fair, wasn't a whole lot but you know what I mean. He loved him and would usually back him to the hills in anything he said (even when Joe's been completely wrong sometimes) but now he starting to annoy him. Why can't he just fucking get it
Joe noticed he was still upset and decided to take back his i told you so ever so slightly, he was aware that he was one of the only people Devin has right now and he had no intentions to fuck it up.
"Shh shh shh yeah don't worry i know i know- let go of you your hair" He returned to the soft spoken approach, he knew that they could giggle about this later but Dev made it clear he was not ready for that just yet.
His hand was held onto the others, trying to gently unlatch his hands from his own scalp. Joe was worried for him because of how he'd hurt himself like this, but he didn't tell him that. He promptly just told him to stop pulling his hair because he doesn't want to have a 'bald ass boyfriend'.
God. What an absolute wanker.
"I'm sorry for saying you were fine Angel, i know you're not okay"
Joes thumb just gently caressed his lovers that is still rested on his head as he spoke "I can see you're not, i meant it as in, we're away from all that mess now. just look around baby, soak it all in. The beauty of everything"
The boy motioned with his free hand to what was around them. They were quite literally in the streets of the uk. Nothing was beautiful.
The whole ground was damp, it had been raining heavily a few hours before, they both have wet patches all over their clothes due to the weather. Both boys were on the opposite side of the road of a line of council houses, battered, old, used.
For those unaware, council houses are houses owned by the government, meaning the rent is cheaper. This usually means that these houses are usually owned by poorer families, but to those who aren't aware, that information is pretty useless.
In a more simple and classist way, this would stereotypically be where 'Roadmen' or 'Chavs' live, the degenerates of the United Kingdom. That's how the more privileged people in the Uk see people that live in council houses on first appearance, of course the stereotype is not at all true, but hey, stereotypes are never supposed to be good, don't shoot the messenger.
Dev took a few more breaths finally letting himself pull joe into a hug, a bit stiff and unmoving, like Devin himself.
"You're suck a prick," Devin heard himself say before he'd even realised he'd said it. He didn't mean it, not really he just wanted his own boyfriend to….to put it politely, get his head out of his own arse and listen to him and just do the right thing, though perhaps expecting him to just know what the right thing may be is a selfish move too
Silence.
Silence was the only thing that could escape Joe's mouth, when he tried to speak, words wouldn't let him, all he ever wanted to do was help and he felt as though all his attempts were for nothing.
I mean, the boys legs still ached from running, his lungs still in recovery, even his heart still hurt from the sprinting he did up and down the council estate.
Oh.
That's not the reason his heart was hurting, he now understood, he wanted to apologise, yes Joseph knew he was a prick but did not mean to be one right now in the slightest, his mouth tried to form an 'I'm sorry' but the words wouldn't escape, they couldn't.
All he could muster to do was let out a wince, a sound you're familiar with if you step on a dogs tail, another thing you'll be familiar with is a dogs cry.
The betrayed sound it makes as they question why the person they love hurt them, the dogs confused and thinks it wasn't an accident, that it was purposeful, the way you instantly swoon and feel bad for the poor dog before you coddle it in your arms with endless apologies and praises.
Well. If you step on a cocker-poodles tail, that is what is going to happen, So as Joe winced, the instant tears started, and after all he could spit out was,
"Sorry"
Which was muted by chocked up sobs and Devins shirt, the boy had begun to hide his face, embarrasment ran through his veins, he hated crying, hated people seeing him cry, thought he looked unattractive when he cried, and DESPISED bullies seeing him cry, and well, not to be dramatic; right now Devin has made his heart feel the same way that his old bullies did, but yet, he still couldn't help but grip onto his lover's shirt and ball his fist into the fabric in frustration. Frustration because he's crying, frustrated at his boyfriend, or frustrated that he's a prick and fucked it up? He's not sure.
What he is sure of is that he would never verbalise that, Devin had hurt his feelings.Of course Joe's apologetic about hurting his but, questions had to be made about the justice of the situation.
Is it okay to hurt someone just because they hurt you? how far does it have to go? When do you finally get even.
Joe continued to hide as he sobbed sorrys into his lovers chest, he was trying to scream, but all that came out were panicked whispers and strings of apologies. A hand slapped over his mouth, he tried to stop, clung onto his boyfriend for comfort, but nothing, still tears.
Self deprecating feelings filled the boys mind, he doesn't know why he's crying, he knows a lot of things, he got a 9 in his French GCSE for fucksake!
Devin seeing Joe in this state right now is his worst fear put into a reality. Joe didn't want Devin to feel sorry for him while he was like this, it was his fault, he was being a prick to Joe while he needed him the most and even though it wasn't on purpose it still happened. He feels as though he deserves to feel shitty for a little bit, because that's what he did to him, more choked sobs escaped his mouth as he dipped his dead down more slightly, ashamed, letting out a clearer,
"I'm so sorry"
Even though everything stated is how he feels about what happened.
The selfish prick still wants an apology back.
He craves closure from someone he hurt, that's normal, right?
Isn't that something we all do? That's why Ciara returned to Jakes house? Closure?
An apology didn't come, at least, not immediately. There was more of a stunned shuffling of positions to make sure Dev had Joe's head rested comfortably against his chest.
"Joe" he started hardly knowing where to start, they'd only ever had one fight in the year and a bit they'd been together and that hadn't been his fault. He's seen joe cry before of course he has, he was there for Joe's god awful parents evening that once, he was there for the 'bully tripped him down the stairs' incident, he was there for the passing of Joe's Hamster and he was there for the "are you sure a dogs purpose is really what you want to watch for Valentine's Day movie night?" Incident of 2022. All of these were instances where Joe's tears had been easily dried, this wasn't like that, it felt different, heavier - this time, it was Devin's fault.
He felt on edge, different like he was wrong and would never be right again. That spasming feeling at the back of his neck and the pit in his stomach that was screaming 'just get away from me joe!!! Before I hurt you again! Please!!'
Nature says that every action has an equal and opposite reaction or I don't know some science guy said that and it seemed right, Joe hurt him so he hurt Joe but this didn't feel like it belonged in nature, it didn't feel natural. Even if his reaction was equal, even if Joe deserved it he still felt wrong. He didn't want to be equal, he wanted to be better, perfect.
But it wasn't perfect anymore, he wasn't the perfect boyfriend anymore, it wasn't perfect so he needed to level it and start again. Joe wouldn't want someone imperfect, he wouldn't want someone he couldn't brag about to his friends and Devin doesn't want to be thought of as a boyfriend who made a mistake, that's a hair pin trigger away from an abusive boyfriend in todays eyes.
Before his mouth could form the words "maybe we should break up…" another loud sob echo'd from the his lover's chest making him almost instinctively pull him closer. He remembered the first time they'd ever cuddled like this properly, the first time that Joe ever stayed over at his house. Old house. The brunette threw himself down on Devin's bed, the one he learned how to make properly through an army cadets YouTube channel that taught him how to tuck the sheets into the sides so it looked cleaner and how to fold the pillow case properly so the middle didn't sag. In a matter of seconds the pristine bed was trashed by his lover hopping right on it and scrolling through tiktok like he didn't know what he did was wrong or irritating because well….he didn't know. Just like now he didn't know what he was doing anymore than Dev did so fucking hell, cut the boy some slack. The bed wasn't perfect anymore, but it didn't have to be it just had to be comfortable with someone warm and safe laying in its crumpled sheets.
Even if the cadets lesson in perfection wasnt all that helpful, there was something else he remembered being taught that was helpful. If there's a job to do, you do it without complaint and right now, there's a job to do here soldier and you better do it right cause if he screwed this up with Joe, he was done with love
"Joe….no, no I'm sorry" Swoon. Coddle. Apologise. Praise. " I'm sorry baby" he held Joe's hand, kept him close, nuzzled his nose against the brunette's anything to keep their connection physical or otherwise.
"I'm so sorry."
Small pale hands grasped at the ginger boys neck, frail arms limping past his shoulders, his fingertips grazing the outline of his man's body, his hair, his soft neck, his material of his shirt.
Fuck, the material of his boyfriends shirt made Joe feel like how you feel after a 2 hour long bubble bath, maybe because he usually wears his shirts after but, it made him feel comfortable, safe.
Those words from Devin was almost all Joe needed to hear, he just needed one more phrase to fully settle his nerves.
Looking up at Devin, admiring his boyfriend, this was no longer the man that carved out his heart and carved his initials into the right ventricle, this was now a gift sent from the gods, his perfect boy, crafted and made just to be in his arms.
"I fucking love you." Sincerity coated his voice, no tone of malice, no underlying message, full complete devotion and honesty.
If Devin were to ever leave Joe, he would do things that would get him safeguarded under school grounds or sent to a pysch ward.
That's a scary thought, being so vulnerable to the point that you will hurt yourself in order for the person you love to be happy, how you can let someone trample all over your self worth in order for them to feel okay. Maybe that's why some people become personal punching bags.
Maybe that's why so many shitty people have relationships, have children and then turn them into punching bags. The cycle usually continues until that person is worn out from being punched down for far too long.
They either find a florist instead of a boxer, might be by surprise, but the florist will carefully water and groom their petals when needed and help them grow and flourish into the bouquet of flowers they had the potential to be after being beaten too much to even sprout.
Or they can be so exhausted, so tired, so tired of fighting, they never get punched down again. They either become the boxer, or stay out of the ring completely. They may meet a florist, if they take on the roll as the boxer they'll destroy their flower garden, their career, the florist would wish they had turned back as soon as the boxer showed the ring.
Or, the second option, they do not interact with the florist, they push them away before they even get the chance of knowing them. It's sad really.
A smile crept on his face while looking at Devin, a similar one to a few hours ago, he thought about how he was in the arms of a soldier, and he knew in his heart that if he lost him.
He would also go to war like a soldier.