"You're a fighter, and we've taught you to do whatever it takes to survive. If that means putting people in their place, well... to hell with it! Don't let anybody stand in your way of being something great!"
I carried those words with me everywhere I went. I recited those words whenever I was backed into a corner. I was prepared to have those words written on my grave when the time came, but then everything stopped. The person who picked me back up, taught me everything, sacrificed for me... She was gone. And she wasn't coming back. All that time passed and I never realized that she needed her advice more than I did. I needed her more than she'll ever know. I forced myself to write her eulogy, but I couldn't remember a single word she had said to me before everything was all apart. We burned her body and I got to keep her with me in my locket, but it just wasn't the same.
I miss you so much, Solei.
I knew what it felt like to be alone. I knew what it felt like to struggle, suffer, scream, cry, and completely spiral. I thought I knew better than anyone else, so why was I still here? I never got the chance to say goodbye, or even I love you for that matter. She had disappeared like a cloud of smoke, and it wasn't until it was too late when I found out she wouldn't be coming back.
I spent hours sitting at my desk in front of my monitor playing games, watching videos, and just wasting my life away. Every day blended together and eventually I had become the world's messiest color pallet. I fell into the deep abyss of monotony, and I never once saw a way out.
Until he came along.
He always joked about how he fell in love with my voice when we first met, but it felt true. We texted day and night; every second of the day and every minute of the night. He was there, just one call away, and I took advantage of that every chance I got. His voice, his laugh, his smile, his words, his entire being reminded me that I couldn't let the ghost of Solei hold me anymore. Because people like him existed and wanted me to keep going and do what she couldn't in the end.
Live.
So when I saw his panicked expression and watched as he collapsed and muttered utter nonsense, for the first time ever I saw him for who he really was. Not the boy I had always romanticized about meeting, but a boy that suffered just as much as I did, as much as Solei did. I was rooted in my position and couldn't process what to do or even if I should do anything. I was paralyzed because once again, I had caused someone pain and pushed them too far. It was my fault.
"Kara! H-Help me, please!" June cried out as he planted his big bird feet on Perrin's back and dug his claws into his shirt. I blinked, confused as to why he was crying out to me until I saw for myself what had happened. Perrin had collapsed and was convulsing in ways that were less than natural. "O-Oh my god, Perrin!" I scrambled over and quickly did the only thing I could to help for now.
"Catalyst: first configuration!" I summoned my trusted protection sphere around Perrin, causing June to scurry off and rest his small bird body on my shoulder. "We've drawn too much attention to ourselves. Isla Ila Abab is already a suspect place, so maintaining a low profile is key..." I trailed off as I picked up Perrin's starter pack that had fallen when he did and slung it on my other shoulder.
"June, can you get to the hostel and locate the twins? I'm going to take Perrin over to the harbor to hopefully wake him up." I gently stroked his small bird head and he chirped, fluttering his wings happily before taking off from my shoulder. "Please be safe!" I called out to him as he took off to the skies and disappeared behind some nearby trees.
I sighed quietly and pushed the sphere forward. The smell of saltwater was strong, and so was the breeze that was wafting in my direction. I followed the stimuli that were flooding my senses and found the rickety harbor that required repairs. Once we were close enough to the water and in one of the safer parts of the port, I released Perrin and sat down beside him. It was clear that he had blacked out from a panic attack. I recognized his reaction all too well, so why didn't I help him? I gently rested his head on my lap and gazed at his sleeping face. I never thought that we would share such an intimate moment under unreal circumstances. Part of me is jumping for joy, but the other part wants to cry.
We were in a world that wasn't our own. I still don't know how or why I was brought here, but the last thing I remember doing was... Oh.
I tried to kill myself.
My eyes shot open and I felt the absence of air in my lungs just like that night. I instinctively rested a hand on my chest and clutched the fabric that covered my breasts as I tried to take systematic inhales and exhales. How do I know I'm still breathing? Is this really real? Did I die? Why? WHY?! I'm sorry... Solei I failed you! I'm so sorry!
"Kara... I'm sorry..." His soft groans broke the confines of my mind that I had been trapped in and I looked down out of fear. Perrin was moving around and had wrapped himself around my waist, nuzzling my thighs as if they were a pillow. "I'm sorry... Your thighs are so nice though..." He muttered in his slumber and my face lit up from embarrassment and... something else. "P-Perrin you pervert! Get off me!!" I growled and shoved him off. His body rolled over before shooting up, his look of surprise catching me off guard.
We stared at each other, our faces red and the moment seemingly lasting forever before he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "S-So I just..." I huffed and averted my gaze away from him with a scoff. I didn't want to hear his excuses or anything he had to say at the moment, but I did anyway because I was still a good person at heart.
"I'm sorry. You were right, I need to work on being able to communicate to people better without getting so... so worked up. But I need you to know that I'm doing it for me, not to prove a point to you. I do need to improve, and that's what I was sent here to do. Do all the things I could never do in my previous life." He stood up but kept his gaze on me, his tone serious and his expression reflecting his conviction. I looked up at him with a much softer gaze and hesitated to reach out for his outstretched hand. I was at a loss for words because he was already different from the Perrin I had come to know in our world.
"Help me do those things, Kara Clarke." He gave me that boyish smile as he spoke my name, and at that moment, my heart stopped beating. I was sure of it. The boy I had met all those years ago, that I had come to be friends with, that I had come to fall in love with was no longer a boy. He was growing, maturing, and he did the unthinkable.
He asked for help.