When Solanne woke up, she saw the two cats beside them. Yael was still on the ground, sleeping, perhaps dreaming, while the TV was still on. Right now, the episode that was airing was in the third season.
Solanne estimated the time. 3 hours or so. She thought.
Heaving her breath, she realized that the amount of time they spent in that dream varied, and Solanne felt like a variable was missing. Still, she never thought that waking up could feel like this. She felt relieved as if someone had pulled her out of the water before she completely drowned.
"A miracle?" She thought. Annoying enough, she can hear the Clown's words in the back of her head.
'You are expecting a miracle even without making any effort?'
He even dared to call her a hypocrite.
She clenched her jaw, feeling the anger surge within her. Solanne felt like she was burning, and nothing else could defuse her.
Is that wrong? Who does he think is belittling her thoughts and actions? He doesn't know the pain, effort, and persistence it had taken for her to be in this situation and to feel withdrawn like this.
This was her only protection! To feel a little less pain every day.
Does that Clown really think that she didn't try? She tried. She tried and tried until she got sick of it. This universe is not making her win anyway. What's the purpose of even trying?
There will always be people who are far more lucky than her. She's envious, yes; at the same time, the jealousy she was feeling and the anger she felt will always be directed to her. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she knew she'd forever blame herself.
She knew that.
She had long known that.
She was angry with herself for not doing enough. She's angry because she always procrastinates and because she doesn't have any drive to try. She was angry with herself for everything she hadn't had because she knew herself more than anything and anyone else.
Deep down, she knew that she had endless potential!
It's frustrating. It's pathetic and disgusting!
And yet, she's always stuck in a cycle where she can't even move forward.
Does that Clown think that she never tried?
She never made an effort? She didn't push herself?
This world is unfair, but at the same time, it is fair.
In the end, those words made her feel so hopeless again. Feeling as if someone had cut her wings, and she'd never be able to fly.
Effort? Miracles? Pushing herself to the limit? Going forward?
Ha, if only she had money, and everything would be solved. She muttered in her mind. Right, she's poor. She had lived this dog-kind life enough, and yet she couldn't kill herself.
She can't.
She doesn't want his brother, her only sibling, to ask if he did something wrong or was not attentive enough. Solanne knew that he had far more troubles than her. Besides, she's a little hopeful.
At the end of the day, the thoughts of killing herself would sometimes fade because when she tried to think everything about it again.
She doesn't want to kill herself.
She wants to rest.
She wants to watch her favorite TV show.
She wants to spend her time with her brother, and she wants to eat all of the food she hasn't eaten.
At the end of the day, she would always realize that she doesn't want to die; she wants to live. She wants to live, yet living is more complicated than dying.
Solanne wiped the tears from her face and grabbed her phone. She scrolled through the contacts and saw her brother's name.
She pressed the call button. "Hey!" Her brother answered after one ring. His voice sounded cheerful even though it's only 6 in the morning.
"You haven't sleep?" Solanne guessed. A smile forming on her face.
"Yep!" He laughed. His laughter made her heart sway. Her tears suddenly rolled down on her cheeks. "I really tried making a vlog. Ghad! I am so embarrassed! I'm going to post it later. Watch it okay?" He sounded so hopeful it hurts her heart.
"Hmmm?"
A paused. Solanne wanted to save this moment. Perhaps she could freeze her own brother's voice? She laughed at the thought.
"Sister, are you okay?" He asked, concerned.
Solanne laughed. "Yes. I just had a dream. It's quite scary."
"Eh? You're still scared of your own dreams?" Solanne laughed so hard as she wiped her face. She can even imagine his face mocking her.
"This time, it was really scary. There's a Clown."
"Just a clown?" He laughed, and from the other side, Solanne could hear that he was preparing something in the kitchen. "My friend told me once that Clowns are lonely creatures."
"Why?"
"Because they make everyone laugh beside themselves."
"How poetic," Solanne muttered. "Anyways, I just called you to hear your voice."
"You miss me?"
"Of course."
Her brother laughs, "My dear older sister," he pauses. "I miss you too."
Their phone call ended and Solanne can't help but look at her phone before fixing herself. She feels a little bit lighter.
Solanne heaved her breath, trying to calm down the intense emotion that was trying to overcome her. She looked at the clock and it's almost 6 in the morning. She grabbed a blanket for Yael to use as it seemed he was still sleeping.
After that, she headed towards the kitchen to prepare the food of the cats and make her some coffee.
After filling the cats' bowls, Solanne heard the sound of Yael waking up. Just like what she had guessed, Yael slowly opened his eyes, and their gazes met.
"Tough dream, eh?" Solanne cheerfully smiled, her eyes and cheeks were red. Yael stared at her. "Want some coffee?"
--
Yael opened his eyes, feeling as if he had lost everything. He felt like he was in distress and that every people around him has nothing to say but curses on him. That dream reminded him of the fears he tried to bury.
However, the moment he opened his eyes, he saw Solanne in the kitchen, just like usual. The two cats were there eating. It's a scene he had always seen for the last few days, but what is the difference this time?
Yael couldn't help but pause as he stared at her. Pink cheeks and her eyes were red. She cried, he thought.
"Tough dream?" She asked as if she knew. Yes, she knows. They had the same dream. Yael swallowed. Her smile… just her smile was making him feel something was off. "Want some coffee?" She asked, just like the usual.
He nodded, still in daze. "Can you make it a little bit sweet this time?"
Solanne smiled. "I know you love sweet things."
"I wanted to ask a question," Yael stood up and folded the blanket he was using. He turned the TV off.
"What is it?" Solanne was busy preparing some coffee.
"Have you ever felt jealous of someone?" He asked.
"Of course. I'm always jealous of people who have things that I can't even afford or that they are in the pinnacle of life and that everyone has already regarded them as important. I would always wonder what it is like to be in their shoes? Or what is the feeling of winning? Such thoughts like that."
"Those people, do you hate them? Do you want to drag them down?" Yael asked. This time, he was already waiting, sitting on the stool of the kitchen counter.
"Do I have enough time to drag them down when all I can think of how pathetic I am? Besides, I do not even have the resources to do so," Solanne laughed. "Still, my thoughts about them are my very own reflection of myself."
"Are you jealous of me?" Solanne turned around as soon as she heard Yael's question. She was holding two mugs of coffee. One was for Yael.
"Of course," She smiled. Yael stared at her.
"You don't look jealous." He frowned. He looked so confused. "You are even taking care of me."
Solanne grinned. "You should say thank you."
"…"
Solanne laughed as she put down the coffee, and he took a sip from it. "I'm jealous of you, but I also know that all the things you have achieved were because of your own efforts. You have done so great in your career. You have sacrificed everything, even your childhood, from where you are now. Do not belittle those things. You are exactly where you are because of your actions, decisions, and efforts. And although I am jealous, that's for me to deal with it. You should just do everything and anything you want. You have the freedom. You're still young."
"You talk as if you are 10 years older than I am. You are just 26. 3 years gap."
"Hey! I have far more life experiences than you! You should be jealous of that."
"I am."
"Huh?"
Yael chuckled as he sipped his coffee. "I am."
--