I was the only one awake, sitting up in a relaxed posture as I watched the crackling fire in front of me. Lilith was curled up against my leg, sleeping like a happy kitten. Yuki was across from both of us, on the other side of the little campfire.
I was left to my own thoughts once more, something I was beginning to dread.
I'd love to stop having internal crises honestly, but the mental deterioration of someone placed in an impossible situation isn't really something the person themselves gets to decide.
I'm not even really consciously thinking anything, just looking at the fire dance around its coals as a deep feeling of unease settles over me.
It's cold. Even with the fire nearby, I can feel the occasional breeze wash against my back, leaving goosebumps over my arms. It's a grounding feeling.
It's an indescribably odd feeling, to not know if the world around you is real. It feels real, it wouldn't be worth having a crisis over otherwise.
It would be easy to say, "Real or not, it doesn't matter." But, It's a lot harder to feel that way than it is to say it. Most crises aren't really based on being logical. The human psyche, once given enough food, water, and shelter to not worry about survival, starts finding some other invisible issue to solve. Most of which don't have answers, so we're left in this state, looking for solutions to issues that don't exist.
Maybe I'm projecting my own issues out onto everyone though. Maybe the average person would be like the protagonists of the books I had read, and would have one slight line about how weird being in a new place was, then move on. Maybe I'm the one having an issue adapting, and there's no deeper, human experience involved in my constant breakdowns, besides my own mental weakness.
If there is an audience out there reading all of this, I bet that they're annoyed by me. Or, this moment of quiet contemplation would be skipped over. No book can accurately portray an entire life, every thought, feeling, sensation, every part of a person. At least not for any prolonged period without getting incredibly boring.
So, if there is an audience out there, they might get to skip out on my thoughts right now.
I'm not sure if I'd want that or not. Would I want the faceless observers to know how much this is all eating me up inside, or would I rather not let them know anything at all about my internal dialogue?
I blow out a breath of hot air, looking upwards towards the sky, like If I glared hard enough at the stars, I'd be able to see any eyes watching me.
Though, I'd freak out a lot more if I did see eyes in the stars. I guess I shouldn't look for things I don't want to find. That probably sums up this whole monologue. Stop searching for things you don't want to see. Stop asking questions you don't want answers to.
I wish I could, but I don't think it's in my nature to live in blissful ignorance. Not when I have an inkling as to what the truth is.
The books I read in the past never really thought too hard about the existential repercussions of being in the world of a book.
I mean, that's not what the author wanted to write I guess. This whole concept is about fantasy, adventure, escapism. All those things ring hollow at this moment, a young, frankly traumatized girl lying next to me, and a preteen desperate for parental love across from me.
Despite all the magic, the fantasy races, the curse we're going to dispel, it all feels real. I'm cold, but warming near the fire. I'm here, I'm present, I'm alive.
But my body and mind seem to disagree on this. No matter how much I try to rationalize everything, I can't help the feeling of wrongness at everything happening. I'm an intruder here, not where I'm supposed to be.
I felt Lilith stirring, she hazily opened her eyes, looking up at me with a small groan. "Poe? You need to sleep too, you're too squishy for tomorrow's fight to not at least be rested."
My hand plopped down on her head, rubbing her mess of hair. "You shouldn't call people squishy."
She yawned, stretching out her body, and squirming to rest her head on my lap. "You are. You're better than everyone else, but still squishy."
"Oh? Even better than the Frozen Man you fought?"
She crossed her arms In my lap, pouting. "He doesn't count! I was…going easy on him!"
I let out a huff, and didn't respond, just staring up at the rather beautiful sight of the stars above me, revealed in full without light pollution. Lilith's red eyes peered up at my expression, and she seemed to soften a little. "You're doing it again, aren't you?"
I glanced down at her, concern written on her face. "You have days where you feel…far away."
"Sorry. Just…thinking."
"What about?"
I'm silent for a moment, trying to figure out what exactly to say. "Far away thoughts I guess."
"What kind of thoughts are far away?"
"...What…" My lips twitch slightly, as I try to compose the question in a way she can understand. "How would you feel, if you learned we were all characters in a storybook? That all of our suffering, and striving, and fighting, and…well…everything, was all for the sake of entertaining some faceless group of people we can't even observe?"
She raised an eyebrow. I winced, realizing I probably sound insane. Great, I met him once and the Prince had rubbed off on me. I'm about to tell her to forget it, when she speaks. "I dunno. Sounds complicated. But, it would be nice to know we'll get a happy ending right?" She reaches her hand up, grasping up at the stars in the sky from her position on my lap. "I never thought I would be able to see them outside of my room. I never thought anyone would love me. I never thought I'd know anything but feeling lonely. If the world is a book, then, I'm the princess in a tall castle you saved!"
I wish that was the truth. The world was a novel, and I was a background character, and she was a villain. Still, it was…nice to hear her say it like that. "I don't think I'm a protagonist, given how often you're the one protecting me."
She giggled, her arm falling down to rest, as she interlocked her hands on her stomach. "Every hero has their flaws! But you helped me when no one else would, talked to me when I was alone, spent time with me when everyone else was afraid. Even if you and I aren't the main leads of the book, you're my hero!"
Her words hit me like a right hook to the liver. I blink rapidly, and can feel myself start to tear up a little. I speak with a small laugh on my lips. "That's so cheesy."
She laughed as well, before it's broken by a yawn. "I was pretty much raised by cheesy novels, what do you expect?"
"You're like, 13. You're still being raised."
She stuck her tongue out at me, and a speck of snow drifted languidly onto it. That was odd, it shouldn't be snowing tonight. I looked up, and several miles upwards, on a ridge near the very peak of the mountain, the source of the snow became evident.
Obscured by an intense swirling of snowflakes, all that could be gleaned was a large, broad black outline, and two shimmering red eyes.
It appeared roughly humanoid, bipedal at the very least. I was about to wake Yuki, when the red eyes blinked close, and the silhouette disappeared, the swirling self contained blizzard disappearing with it.
After a few moments, I became aware that my heart was making a desperate escape attempt from the prison of my rib cage. I pressed a hand to my chest, and let out a breath.
We were being watched by that thing. Presumably the cursed swords protector. Again, that all sounds very fantastical on paper, but I felt more like I was in a horror novel than a fantasy one.
Lilith didn't even seem to have noticed it, and had fallen back asleep, now on my lap. Yeah, there's no chance I'm going to manage to sleep now. Great.