Yeah so... In my last entry, I left off where I invited dad and Zyra out for dinner. So after waiting and waiting, and ignoring the questioning glances Zyra threw at me, I finally just cut dad short in the middle of his rant about how the people he was buying out were already going under and he was trying to save them.
"So dad, I finally made a headway in my research!" Zyra started clapping, but then stopped abruptly at the look in dad's eyes. He wasn't angry or sad or anything like that. Maybe if that was it, my stomach wouldn't have been so jittery.
No, there was scorn in his eyes. "You made a headway? Just like you did that time two years ago when you got a loan to test one of your mad bunny schemes and I had to pay back?"
I winced. Despite how I told myself to stay strong, I still flinched at his words. I forced my face to stay neutral, to just look at him without speaking. As always, Zyra came to bat for me.
"Dad, come on. Sigma worked her back to the bone on odd jobs to pay you back. It's not like she still owes you or anything. You don't have to bring it up." My heart wanted to burst in gratitude, but I couldn't even tell her thank you. I had to keep my mouth shut now, keep my words to myself and lock down my emotions. If I didn't, I knew I'd have burst into tears.
"Well, she wouldn't have had to pay me back if she wasn't running off getting her fingers into that stuff she calls a job, now, would she?"
"It is a job, dad. And a highly respected one for that matter. For once, you should be happy for Sigma. I mean, she got a grant, for God's sake. On this same job that you are always demeaning."
"Oh?" Dad said, finally losing his sneer. He raised his brows instead. "Well, how much did you get?"
"This is just the start. I mean, it's not like I have advanced really well in the project yes, so they just gave me a little, to see what I would come up with." His brows were still raised, so I finally told him.
It was silent around the table for a long, long minute. Then dad burst into laughter so loud, people all around the restaurant turned to look at us. I turned slightly to get a read on Zyra's expression. She was sitting there, mouth open, staring at my dad like he was a second moon that grew out of the moon through binary fission or something.
I would have laughed, but my stomach was clenched tight. I stayed still instead, waiting to hear what he would say. No, I wasn't anxious, or sad, or nervous, or something. I wasn't. At all.
"Finally, dad lost his breath, and the laughter ended just as fast as it started. "You know, I don't know if I've ever mentioned a friend's son to you. Can't exactly recall his name right now. You see, that boy has spent barely three years in the field since he got done with his microbiology degree. Last I heard, he got a grant for working on some antiviral drug to a virus people living on the LSS are particularly susceptible to. And it was worth maybe six times what you just mentioned."
"Daddy-"
"Enough, Zyra. I've told your sister often enough that she is wasting her time in that field. I mean, it's not like you're doing anything that benefits society. You're working on time-travel? Who cares about stuff like that?"
"Dad, you tell me there aren't some things in your past you wouldn't want to change if you had the opportunity to," Zyra threw back. "Or you aren't interested in maybe seeing the future."
I couldn't speak. I think maybe I had gone mute for those minutes. I was just sitting there, staring at dad as he continued speaking. I should have been used to this by now, I told myself. Ever since high school, and especially after I got into college and majored in Quantum Physics. Even now, after graduating. I started working with some of the best minds in my field, he still keeps harping on about how what I do is of no benefit to anyone whatsoever.
"Even if I did have things I want to change, it's past. Who wants to waste their lives on trying to get to a past that has already been lived?"
"Dad-"
"Look, Zyra, just forget it, okay?" I finally burst out. Dad continued to rant about how I'm wasting my life on things that aren't important. As always, his main point is how all we do in my field is provide fodder for writers to build imaginary worlds and how we contribute nothing, only eat up money with fruitless research.
After a while, I can't hold my tears back anymore. But I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words hurt me, so I grabbed my jacket and told them I was leaving.
Just as I walked out, I could hear Zyra telling him, "You know, for once in your life you could actually act like you are proud of your daughter."
Every time she defends me against my dad, it always reminds me of when we first met. I had just turned eighteen, and was preparing to meet with my academic advisor at Lunarian University about furthering my education for my graduate degree. It was early afternoon when I heard a knock on our front door. I was the only one home, so I went to see who it was.
When I opened the door and looked out, I saw this young lady who looked so much like me, it was unbelievable. I just wordlessly opened the door and let her in. It was awkward at first, talking to her. Within a few minutes, we were chatting like friends. By the time dad came home that evening, I knew all about his infidelity to mom. I confronted him about it, but as he always was with everything, he tried to absolve himself of the blame. It was that day that 18 year old Zyra came to live with us, and it remains one of the best days of my life.
That night, when I heard her tell dad to act like he was proud of me for once, I wanted to tell her she was fighting a losing battle. I cried all the way home. I didn't need him to be proud of me or anything. I was fine doing my own thing. I didn't need him for anything—And I tried so hard to ignore the little voice within me that was calling me a liar.